The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 1

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 1
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

32 teams try. One succeeds.

As another season of fumbles and false starts, hopes and dreams, turnovers and injuries begins, NFL fan(s) everywhere are hoping this might be the season their team breaks through and seizes the most difficult trophy to win in sports: The Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy.  

The Week 1 fiasco, as the nags leave the paddock:

Editor’s Note: Because they confuse B-10 pollsters, ties are not included in Historical .500 calculations.
Editor’s Note II: 2018 records, final B-10 finish in parenthesis. 

1. Arizona Cardinals  (3-13; 3rd) – Despite new head coach and quarterback, Cardinals fan(s) confident if any team can overcome high expectations, it’s theirs, as Cardinals (553-753) are league-best 200 games under Historical .500…Opening Loss: Detroit

2. New York Jets (4–12; 2nd) – Steady-as-she-goes Jets looking for fourth consecutive last-place AFC East finish…At 90 games under Historical .500 (401-491), Jets take Ed Koch Award for best Historical .500 mark in New York metropolitan area…Opening Loss: Buffalo

3. San Francisco 49ers  (4-12; Defending B-10 champions) – Though repeat aspirations strong, 49ers realize they will need another key injury, like last year’s to starting QB – to really contend in 2019…One of NFL’s winningest teams, Niners would need to lose out until Week 12 in 2022 to reach Historical .500…Opening Loss: at Tampa Bay

4. Oakland Raiders (4-12; 9th) – Raiders begin another final season in Oakland poised for strong B-10 run, having gone from twelve (12) wins in 2016 to four (4) last season…Raiders (466-423) another team with long way to go to reach Historical .500…Opening Loss: Denver (9/9)

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11; 4th) – Last place finishers in eight (8) of past ten (10) seasons, Buccaneers looking to turn corner to B-10 glory after consecutive 5-11 campaigns…A strong 155 games under Historical .500 (260-415) Buccaneers still feeling momentum of franchise’s historic 0-26 start…Opening Loss: San Francisco

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11; 5th) – B-10 perennials, Jaguars confident they’ve completely recovered from AFC title game appearance following 2017 season…One (1) of two (2) NFL teams without a tie (170-214-0), Jaguar fan(s) ecstatic over pure 44-games-under-Historical-.500 mark. …Opening Loss: Kansas City

7. Detroit Lions (6-12; NR) – Entitled to courtesy Week 1 ranking thanks to being NFL’s only 0-16 (0-16) team, Lions have not had consecutive losing seasons since 2012-13…Despite being only 99 games above Historical .500 (559-658) Lions have second-most losses in NFL history…Opening Loss: at Arizona

8. British Columbia Lions (1-9;) – NAFTA-mandated entry, BC gets nod over equally one-victoried Toronto despite having beaten Toronto because, well, actually Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” they have no idea why this is the case…Next Loss: at Montreal (9/6)

9. Cincinnati Bengals (6-10; 10th) – Bengals with a lot to prove with new head coach, though change could be good as usually-lousy Bengals still looking for first B-10 title…70 games under Historical .500 (357-427), Bengals also nine (9) games under Historical .500 for playoffs (5-14)…Opening Loss: at Seattle

10. Don Criqui (2003 NFL Hall of Fame inductee) – A Sunday B-10 pollsters all-time fave, talented, retired announcer back for another season lending name to item heralding second-worst matchup of week…Like Dan Henning, neither he nor legal team seem to have any idea of B-10 involvement. 

Opening Week Clash of the Titans: Detroit at Arizona
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Cincinnati at Seattle
Strong Regional Presence: San Francisco at Tampa Bay 

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