The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 2: The Interregnum Poll
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Mom. Apple pie. The flag.
And the Interregnum Poll.
Yes, the American classic is back, tried and true, red, white and blue, the Bottom Ten Interregnum Poll, offered annually because the NFL regular season doesn’t begin until after Labor Day.
As usual, we have the Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude – to award, plus the usual witless social commentary the country has come to know and love.
This year’s mess, as the nags make their way to the starting gate:
1. Detroit Lions – Hardly strangers to going winless, Lions earn their first-ever Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude… Lions show grit that usually leads straight to regular season B-10 glory, getting blown out in opener, then losing remaining three (3) games by seven (7) points or less…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Lions first NFL team ever to have 0-4 preseason eleven (11) years after 0-16 regular season.
2. President Trump – We said before the election that Candidate Trump’s only real talent is drawing attention to himself, something he does supremely well…President Trump is no different, bringing out, as he has since Day 1, the worst in everyone: himself, his supporters and his opponents, further fracturing an already divided and bickering country.
3. Interregnum – Namesake of Week 2 survey, word is generally only used in America to describe time between a new president’s election and inauguration…From exciting Latin words inter (between) and regnum (reign)…First B-10 medal stand appearance since 2017’s runner-up finish.
4. America The Beautiful – Between her perpetual wars, mindless spending and, now, deep social divides that make the 1960s look like something out of Mother Goose*, once proud, useful country might make it until half-century is out before imploding, or it migh not.
5. American Electorate – Despite the fact they provide no real value, American voters continue to reelect the status quo every two years, preferring a partisan, fractured and bickering government incapable of doing anything of substance to making any changes.
6. Tariffs – Childish, punitive measure designed to punish other nations, though some are surprised to learn tariffs actually paid by companies that are importing the goods, which leads to higher prices meaning the tariff is paid by you and me – we the people…Scheduled to be title sponsor of Recession 2019-20.
7. NFL – Begins 100th season this week, growing from a regional, second rate association into planet’s most profitable sports league…With more and more evidence of the long-term brain damage playing the game causes and fewer and fewer kids playing football, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” league will be around for 150th season, but not entirely certain.
8. Jim’s Burger Haven – Longtime north Denver institution, was visited by B-10 pollsters on recent field trip to girls locker rooms…Go there now…It is as good burger as they’ve had, and they have some street cred in this matter…Onion rings, fries good though not great…Vanilla milkshake ruled.
9. Hurricane Dorian – Latest in a long line of recent devastating hurricanes would have B-10 pollsters planning goodwill tour of area if anyone knew who they were…Elizabeth II, Queen of the Bahamas, and England, too, issues thoughts and prayers, plus shout out to first responders, which immediately solved every problem in area.
10. Chicago Cubs – Annual Interregnum Poll participant since they were usually out of pennant race by now, ranked out of habit, only three years removed from latest World Series win, instead of over a century…Still in thick of NL Central race and would play in wild card game if playoffs started today.
* – Editor(s) Note: “something out of Mother Goose” line stolen from Dan Jenkins…Officially, done in tribute to a funny writer, but the truth is B-10 pollsters – in what is not the Upset of the Year – unable to improve on it.
Opening Week Clash of the Titans: Detroit at Arizona
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Cincinnati at Seattle
Let’s Screw CBS II: San Francisco at Tampa Bay
Annual Week 1 AFC Monday Night Matchup No One Wants To See: Denver at Oakland
Bi-Annual Final Oakland Raiders Home Opener Before They Move: Denver at Oakland
Would like to read the 2019 Bottom Ten for only $2.99?
Of course you would. Click on the button for an offer that lasts only this week.
Editor’s Note: The Bottom Ten goes behind a paywall next week and this rate is for this week only. Get in on the laughs and avoid paying full price today.