The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, October 23
Repaired the windshield wiper on The Wife’s car today.

I can never get this right…When I get new windshield wipers I have the girl at the parts store put them on for me…The Wife gets new wipers she buys them at the retailer to save a few bucks and brings them home for me to put on.

She might as well bring home a do-it-yourself nuclear power kit for me to assemble.

What’s almost funny is the actual solution to windshield wiper puzzle is painfully simple…But the tab on the wiper moves 25-hundred different directions and the first time it literally took me half an hour to get the hook attached properly.

But when The Wife announced this morning the passenger side wiper had come off when she was trying to de-ice her windshield, I was optimistic I could effect a repair in fairly short order.

I was wrong…One it was dark and while two flashlights helped matters, neither one of us were able to hook the bugger on…We didn’t have all day, and it was clear besides, so The Wife headed in to town with only one wiper.

After work I’m at the retailer and, adorably, I am determined to fix the wiper…The Wife produces it and dig in ready for battle and – just like I knew what I was doing – I had it on only a few seconds!!!…I am not making that up…I looked at the hook and the wiper blade and voila! had it on in a jiffy.

It was very slow at work, especially when you consider there were over 80 departures but everybody was content to leave us alone…Scott and I were in the back office talking about guy stuff and he mentioned a family friend died yesterday…I didn’t know here, but it turns out she lives a couple blocks down from us…Anyway, Scott said his wife was taking it pretty hard, tho he was having a tuff time getting worked up.

– Yeah, us guys take death a little differently sometimes…
– Yeah…She’s only 25 so, you know…

I did a double take…Scott is 41.

– Your wife is a child of 25???

Scott nodded his and shrugged in the manner of someone who had just gotten away with something.

– You maniac!!!…You completely rule…You’re a maniac…You know that, right?

Scott said it took some work noting it’s good for a married couple to have shared experiences – like your 20’s – but otherwise they made it work.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, October 22
A tuff day, no two ways about it.

We sent Wayne to his grave today with a first-class funeral…Actually, we were part of – a big part of – the funeral service his pastor put on…At least I think it was his pastor…I don’t really know…The Wife and I have gone to his church once or twice over the years…It’s one of those non-denominational churches where everyone where the pajamas to services…If your jeans are clean your overdressed.

Anyway, Tony, who commands the VFW post, and I marched in carrying his urn and our nation’s colors and we shared a reading…I ended my portion by saying Wayne was a veteran’s veteran and I admired him…Then Tony gave commands for the firing squad and flag squad to render appropriate honors and we presented Tony’s mother of all things, still hale and hearty at 95.

That’s gotta blow, outliving your kids…Actually, I know it blows seeing what mom went thru when my brother died.

Anyway, it was a beautiful day and there was a nice crowd, probably couple hundred or so and at the end we stood in line and filed thru and we each tossed a small amount of dirt on the urn…Two of his kids had placed it in the ground and if you don’t think that’s moving you’ve got another thing coming.

Afterward, a lot of us gathered at the VFW post/bar…Wayne was an officer of the VFW post and Tony and I led the toast…The Wife came by after her shift at the retailer, too, and we spent no small amount of time talking to Ron and Sharon…Ron and Sharon grow hay just outside of our small town and Ron is a member of the small town post, tho he has cut down his involvement somewhat the past year or so…Sharon is trying to get The Wife to sign up for the small town post’s auxiliary and Ron grilled me on some issues.

Also happened to run into Dave and his wife Candy…Dave is a post member, he wasn’t at the funeral but I was out back getting some air and he and Candy happened to drive by…We talked about our post baseball team, which didn’t have much of a season…In fact, there wasn’t even a Commander’s Award for me to pass out…I am not entirely sure what the deal is, except some parents aren’t happy with Coach Rusty because boy, he sure works the kids awfully hard…They parents were so up in arms Coach Rusty said screw it and sat the year out, preferring to be in his native Texas watching a granddaughter play softball…Evidently, a lot of kids weren’t happy with the replacement coach, either.

Well, I’ve said this before, Rusty has my full support…I don’t know what in the hell is going to happen…Dave and Candy are heading south for the winter here in a bit, but I think I will call Rusty and see what the deal is here in the next couple of weeks…A lot of it has to do with drama with the high school baseball team, which I tend to ignore…I don’t understand this…It’s ski country up here and baseball is the 30th most popular sport, right behind snowboard cribbage…There should be zero drama, but there appears to be a lot.

Got quite a bit of feedback from some of the guys about my candidacy, too…They had read my Op-Ed and Q&A in the local paper…Most, but not all, said I had earned their vote…A couple of malcontents were honest enough to say they were staunch Republicans so I made a mental note to have the IRS mess with them after I’m elected.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Bottom Ten - 2016 | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, October 21
Didn’t get the promotion.

Wayne’s funeral is tomorrow…This is providing some needed context.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Thursday, October 20
Ran into Mike, a member of the post, at the bank today…We talked about Wayne’s funeral on Saturday and Mike said Wayne died by accident.

Crap, I didn’t know that…I presumed it was natural causes…Recall that would’ve been surprising because Wayne looked pretty good at last week’s meeting, but things happen…Mike said Wayne was on a ladder farting around with the awning on his house, in a gusting wind, when he fell off…He died later of complications from a variety of injuries.

Sigh…Well, hell…Actually, well, f*ck, but what are you going to do….

Her Majesty got her ballot in the mail today…The Wife got hers yesterday…I still have NOT received mine, and I’m the candidate!!!…I don’t believe this, everyone in this house has voted for me except for me…If it’s not here by tomorrow I will visit the county clerk next week and start smacking some people around.

People at work certainly are voting for me…A handful came up to me today – my first day back since ballots went out – saying the voted for me…I thanked them, of course, tho The Wife insists they only voted for me because they don’t want me to work there anymore.

Just for funsies The Wife and I went to dinner in town after work and we were walking around downtown when we ran into Elvis and his wife Julie…Regular readers of this crap will remember Elvis from basketball officiating…Anyway, they had a couple of friends with them and Elvis asked how the campaign was going and I said, frankly, it’s been pretty slow going this year…Then one of his friends asked if I was actually in Congress and I said, I was merely a small party’s nominee and then The Wife opened her yap and noted I was a Congressman in my mind.

Wrongo…I’m Supreme Commander Dictator in my mind.

All right, not Line of the Year, but pretty good nonetheless…I’m still going to report for jury duty next month, tho…No reason to let being Supreme Commander Dictator go to my head.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, October 19
Woke up this morning to the sad news that Wayne from the Post had died…Stanko emailed me, and the Wayne’s Funeral subject line sorta gave it away…Wayne was in his early 70’s and had been in declining health and had gone on oxygen in recent months but I saw him at the meeting last week and he looked well enough, so this was a surprise…His funeral is Saturday.

The Wife got her ballot for the election in the mail today…Despite the fact we both live in the same place and will be both be filling out the same ballot, mine was not in our post office box…Since I’m a candidate and want to vote for myself I called the county clerk’s office…I verified they had the correct address and whatnot and she assured me my ballot was mailed and sit tight for a couple of days and if I still haven’t received it then they’ll issue me a replacement ballot.

I am going to keep on top of this because I didn’t get my ballot for a small election we had last year…I did some research and the PO Box number on my registration was wrong…The Wife’s is correct, but mine is wrong…What happened was – and this is pretty funny – that when we bought The Shire a couple of years ago I changed my address but instead of writing the down the four digits of our new PO Box, I wrote down the last four digits of my phone number…But the girl assured me my address is updated.

I did, however, get a jury duty summons in the mail!!!…I am not making that up!!!…Regular readers of this crap know I love jury duty, even tho I’ve only had it once, several years ago, in Sin City…I don’t think there’s anything major pending on the court’s docket, probably just routine DUI stuff, but you never know…It’s not until the middle of next month and I certainly can’t go and do any research or ask any questions because I must remain unbiased, of course.

Rest assured, tho, I will not do anything to get out of it…I will gladly do my civic duty.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 8

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 8
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

The torch may well have been passed.

After winning The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – the past two (2) seasons, the Tennessee Titans appear to have passed the torch to a new generation of losers, sending Cleveland to an 0-6 start in their showdown game Sunday.

Hold on to your hats, though, as Cleveland has yet another Bottom Ten showdown this week, invading Cincinnati to face a Bengals squad themselves seemingly striving for Bottom Ten glory.

This week’s mess, as the nags approach the backstretch:

  1. Cleveland Browns (0-6; lost to Tennessee 28-26) – Browns save best for last in Titanic struggle with two (2)-time defending B-10 champions, scoring two (2) late touchdowns to show two (2)-time defending B-10 champion there’s a new sheriff in town…Browns 0-6 for first time since 1999 squad hailed triumphant return to NFL by starting 0-7…The NFL’s only 0-16 team, the 2008 Detroit Lions, also started season 0-6…Next Loss: at Cincinnati

2. San Francisco 49ers (1-5; lost to Buffalo 45-16) – 49ers hold down runner-up spot with five (5)-game losing skid, best among teams not from Cleveland…Defense showing way to B-10 glory, losing games by average margin of 17.2 points…In order to appease fans offended by national anthem protests, 49ers looking to have singer Lee Greenwood start at quarterback…Next Loss: Tampa Bay

3. New York Jets (1-5; lost to Arizona 28-3) – Blowout, Monday Night Football loss would have been complete embarrassment if anyone watched MNF anymore…Turbo-charged Jets offense rushes for 14 (14)-yards, tosses two (2) interceptions while alleged ‘defense’ really makes Cardinals earn with touchdown drives 14, 14 and eleven plays…Jets getting outscored 25-9 during current four (4)-game skid…Next Loss: Baltimore 

4. Cincinnati Bengals (2-4; lost to New England 35-17) – Bengals back in familiar territory – knocking on door of B-10 medal stand – following fourth loss in five (5) games…With 120 rushing yards and zero (0) turnovers, coaching staff, B-10 pollsters impressed – though not particularly surprised by –  Bengals ability to lose when they’re not playing their worst….Next Loss: Cleveland 

5. AFC North (9-15 ) – With AFC South surprising everyone with (relatively) strong start, AFC North takes first Pete Rozelle Award of 2016 – issued to NFL’s worst division…Anchored by Browns six (6)-gamer, entire division riding losing streak…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure”  ‘rebound for strong .500 divisional play’ line used in college survey wouldn’t be as funny in professional poll. 

6. Baltimore Ravens (3-3; lost to New York Giants 27-23) – Ravens squarely on B-10 radar following third straight loss…Ravens show mettle of B-10 champions, blowing two (2) leads, including one in final two (2) minutes…Ravens can make big pitch for B-10 medal stand with loss in showdown game Sunday, and against Browns on Nov 10…Next Loss: at New York Jets

7. AFC South – Stunned, betrayed B-10 pollsters – who had declared AFC South the favorite for B-10 Division of the Year Award – has  put entire division on double-secret probation as half the division has won two (2) straight and two (2)-time defending B-10 champion Tennessee is at goddamned .500.

8. Gaylon For Congress – Genius behind Bottom Ten looking to follow-up receipt of 2.6 percent of vote in 2014 Colorado United States Senate election with repeat triumph in 2016 US House race…Campaign just under $5,000 threshold required for FEC reporting by mere $4,925…

9. 2016 Presidential Campaign – Sewers look better than the show Mr Trump and Ms Clinton are putting on…The American electorate appears to be tolerating it though, able, but unwilling, to demand better…Next Loss: The American way of life, after entire country collapses, probably before this half-century is out. 

10. Chicago Cubs – A 2-1 deficit vs the evil Dodgers will just make their inevitable World Series triumph that much sweeter…Kinda need to start hitting, though…B-10 pollsters frantically trying to time travel to 108 years in the future to see what year Cubs actually end World Series drought.

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Cleveland at Cincinnati
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Baltimore at New York Jets

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Bottom Ten - 2016 | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, October 18
This was not the busiest day in the history of Sparrow, and I spent some time having some fun with an outfit that allegedly wanted to hire me for some work from home stuff….Last year, when I was looking to leave the Doily Delivery Company, I posted some resumes on assorted sites, and I gathered the scammers had been mining those because I got texts and emails from a couple-three places.

It was plainly not legit from the start…As a public service, I will detail the factors that gave it away.

One, their email address was not from their company’s website, altho the companies they claimed to represent were legitimate, as near as I could tell.

Two, the written materials they sent were written by someone for whom English was their seventh or eighth language.

Three, the company’s Career page didn’t list the job they were offering.

Four, they were offering $50 an hour.

So just for funsies I played along…I even had an interview and in less than three minutes he was asking where I banked at…I told Salim I banked at Phil’s Bank…Combined with his general unfamiliarity with English and the incongruousness of there being a Phil’s Bank, he really didn’t know what in the hell was going on…I further advised him I lived in a small town and Phil’s was a local bank and my account number was twelve…He stammered this and that for a bit before I lost interest and hung up.

Got a text today from a voter who also sent a pic of his ballot showing he had voted for me…I am not making that up!!!…Combined with the voting bloc here at The Shire that makes four votes I have.

(Unless you register late, elections are done by mail in this state…We should be receiving our ballots here at The Shire in the next day or two.)

You know, there’s a dead French politician who said do what you can with the resources available to you and when you do this the way will open for you to do more…Well, I am doing that…I do not have much more than a website and a couple of social media accounts but I am doing what I can with that…We’ll see.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 8

The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 8
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

And then there was one.

The Rice Owls are it: the last remaining winless team in college football following a tough, one-point loss that has Owl fan(s) dreaming of hoisting the ESPNCup – symbolic of Bottom Ten ineptitude – for the first time.

It ain’t over yet, though. Not only do C-USA and the always-tough MAC have multiple contenders in the hunt for coveted B-10 medal stand berths, but UMass – known as UMess to Bottom Ten staffers – is back on the medal stand and defending ESPNCup holders Kansas are dismissed at your peril

This week’s mess:

  1. Rice (0-6; lost to Texas-San Antonio 14-13)
    Mitigating Factors: Owls putting it all together, outgaining their opponents, scoring on their opening drive and only turning ball over once and still pulling out close, hard-fought home loss…Rice puts “special” in special teams, missing to field goals…Though minefield of C-USA schedule still remains, first ever B-10 title is theirs to lose – literally…Owls off to best start since 2009 squad started season 0-9 and are looking for first winless season since Reagan Administration.
    Broad Historical Perspective: 206 Owls can lay foundation for B-10 Hall of Fame membership with loss this week to lower level team that once lost galaxy-best 80-straight games.
    Next Loss: Prairie View A&M

2. Florida Atlantic (1-6; lost to Marshall 27-21)
Mitigating Factors: Owls blow two (2) leads in type of morale-depleting conference loss that tends to lead straight to the B-10 medal stand…After second quarter touchdown, FAU finishes strong, turning the ball over or punting the rest of the way…Current six (6)-game skid tied with Rice for nation’s best…With only win coming in opener, FAU in prime position to claim first ever Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win.
FunFact: With bye week coming up, FAU must remain focused on lousy week of practice, Oct 29 game vs Western Kentucky and not be caught looking ahead to Nov 5 showdown with Rice.
Next Loss: Western Kentucky (Oct 29)

3. UMess (1-6; lost to Louisiana Tech 56-28)
Mitigating Factors: Offense takes center stage with two (2) missed field goals and two (2) turnovers, while turning two (2) Louisiana Tech turnovers into two (2) punts…Minutemen still have not had winning season as major division program since 1904 squad finished 5-2-1, leading athletic staff to seek to resume series with Williams, Wesleyan and Worcester Tech.
FunFact: Minutemen not putting a whole lot of drama into B-10 run, losing games by an average of 17.8 points.
Next Loss: at South Carolina

4. Kansas (1-5; lost to Baylor 49-7)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks – the defending B-10 champions – show their “all in” for two straight with obligatory blowout road loss to established national power…After blowing shutout with third quarter touchdown Jayhawks coaching staff  calls off dogs by putting in fifth string to compete with Baylor PE majors getting some extra credit work in.
Carry On, Wayward Losers: Jayhawks one of 735 teams who can earn Tostitos Plaque – issued to tam with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: Oklahoma State

5. Notre Dame (2-5; lost to Stanford 17-10)
Mitigating Factors: Leading 10-0 at half and seeing B-10 medal stand hopes fading, Irish offense takes command, allowing both fumble and interception returns for touchdown, plus safety in second half…Notre Dame enjoying best B-10 campaign since 2007 when they earned Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – with losses to Navy and Air Force…With ND having lost to Duke, who lost to Northwestern who lost to Illinois State, B-10 staffers searching for path to national title to Kankakee Prep.
Bottom Ten Jesus: Irish losing games by only an average of 5.6 points, impressing B-10 pollsters with ability to lose close ones.
Next Loss: Miami, Florida (Oct 29)

6. Kent State (2-5; lost to Miami, Ohio 18-14)
Mitigating Factors: Golden Flashes throw MAC B-10 race into complete chaos, snapping Miami’s nation’s best six (6)-game losing streak…Kent State actually not too bad on defense, getting it done with passing game that couldn’t toss screen pass against eleven (11) nuns, ranking 122nd in Passing Offense…With only wins coming against lower level team and MAC squad, Golden Flashes still in contention for B-10 medal stand thanks to strength of schedule points.
FunFact: Recruits tab on football home page actually leads to text page advising high schoolers “DON’T COME HERE”
Next Loss: Ohio

7. Conference USA
Mitigating Factors: With emergence of Kent State and Bowling Green, C-USA staves off big challenge from MAC to barely hold on to coveted B-10 Conference of the Week award…Six teams in country have lost five (5) or six (6) consecutive games, three (3) are from C-USA, most in country…Conference so weak nine (9) teams have a Future Opponents Winning Percentage of less than .400.
The New Material Budget Is Still $0.00 I see: Despite winless teams, conference bravely mustering strong .500 mark in conference play.
Next Loss: Affiliation with Fritos Bean Dip Bowl Presented By Mobile Prostitute Alliance

8. Earlham (0-6; lost to Mount St. Joseph 61-7)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Quakers retain Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in country spied on by the NSA – with 29th straight loss…Quakers rank Dead Last in Rushing Offense (22.8 ypg), only 381.4 ypg behind D-III leading Washington and Lee…Earlham setting the pace in tough Division III, as Quakers followed closely by Lewis and Clark (28 straight losses) and Grove City (27 consecutive losses).
This Is Casey, Counting Them Down: Quakers rank 200th or worse in 15 D-III stat categories, up from twelve (12) last week…Gentlemanly Quakers do rank 67th and 43rd in Fewest Penalties and Fewest Penalty Yards Per game.
Next Loss: at Hanover

9. Bowling Green (1-6; lost to Toledo 42-35)
Mitigating Factors: 21-point fourth quarter means Falcons good enough to turn potential blowout into heartbreaking road loss…Current five (5)-game skid second best in nation…Defense showing way to B-10 glory, as Falcons rank Dead Last in Scoring “Defense”, allowing 45.9 ppg…Defense also ranks Dead Last in Turnover Margin…Though B-10 pollsters not bright enough to completely understand this stat, they’re “pretty sure” Dead Last is still “like, really bad and stuff”.
FunFact: With Week 1 blowout loss to Ohio State, followed by win against lower level team Falcons can construct classic B-10 run by running table in MAC play.
Next Loss: Miami, Ohio

10. Fresno State (1-6; lost to San Diego State 17-3)
Mitigating Factors: Bulldog fan(s) filing official B-10 protest, claiming usual East Coast bias that sees Bulldogs as only West Coast team in survey this week, and no higher than number ten (10)…Offense shows way to fifth straight loss, sleepwalking to inspired ten (10) first down, three (3) interception, one (1) field goal performance…Defense allows 292 rushing yards but only two (2) touchdowns, leading coaching staff – hell bent on B-10 glory – to wonder if they should just stop tackling people entirely in order to pad points per game stats.
FunFact: With only win coming in Week 2, Bulldogs need help to win Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – even if they lose out.
Next Loss: at Utah State

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Miami, Ohio at Bowling Green
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either:Fresno State at Utah State

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Bottom Ten - 2016 | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, October 17
Had the first snow in our small town today…It was about noon or so and fell for a couple-three hours…Not particularly hard and it didn’t stick, of course, but it was still snow…It was also one of three signs today we are closer to winter than to summer.

The second was my usual parking area on the dirt/grass on the side of the post office was a quagmire…It might dry up for a week or so before winter really hits – or it might not – but no matter…Pretty soon I will be relegated to using the parking lot again…This is a pain in the ass because it is small and has a couple of really tight turns and one of the spots is completely inaccessible unless your car can hover and it’s easier to park on the grass and use the side door.

The final sign winter is nearing is I didn’t get any of my spring/summer projects done…Well, project…I only have one and I’ve been meaning to do it since we moved in two years ago.

Readers keeping score at home know the side door leading to the kitchen gets all the use…It’s right off the carport…Our front door, which faces the street, has a small porch with stairs leading down to the lawn.

I have always wanted to dig up a stretch of lawn and make a path that goes from the porch to the street…I also want to line this with rocks or bricks…So far I haven’t wanted it bad enough to go and expend the effort to actually go and do it, but it remains an Official Sparrow Project, merely deferred for the time being.

Enjoyed my extra day off today…I was up early with The Wife because she still had to work, but I headed in and got a good workout and wrote three pretty good things for the Sparrow For Congress website…All three basically said look, sure our government is substandard, but it’s our fault so why don’t we go and elect something better on Election Day?

Sunday at work I was talking with Charlie…Charlie is a houseman and he’s one of those guys who doesn’t pay a whole lot of attention to combing his hair but is really smart…He takes more than a casual interest in my Congressional campaign and has a smart, international perspective on issues that sometimes confuses me.

He confused me Sunday…I forget what got him on the subject of Homer’s Iliad – something I am completely unqualified to even think about much less discuss – but Charlie held court on it for no small amount of time…This annoyed me because I was at lunch and watching a Barney Miller rerun on my phone and I kept having to shut it off because I didn’t want to be rude.

Anyway, Charlie eventually wondered, as I’m sure we all have, if the Iliad wasn’t, in fact, an anti-war polemic for Achilles…For my part I winged it pretty good, nodding thoughtfully while sipping my coffee and advising Charlie he may well be right, but not making a commitment on the matter.

I should probably look up polemic in the dictionary.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, October 16
I got to where the gold vest at the retailer today!!!

The gold vest is reserved for those who work the Scan N Go aisle…This is where you go and check yourself out…You scan, pay for and bag your items all yourself and the friendly employee in the gold vest is standing by to render whatever aid you might require.

The guy in the gold vest is busy…There are still a few bugs in the system, so roughly 99.99993 percent of customers need some sort of help…This could range to a price override to voiding an item because either they don’t want it or they scanned it twice to the machine merely copping an attitude and wanting to make the guy in the gold vest press a button…I was only there an hour or so and I was completely drained when I left.

Bachelor Purchase of the Night was one I’ve made before, years ago: some of that pink stuff you take for the trots and an upset stomach, some more medicine for the trots, some nighttime cold medicine and some mouthwash for after you ralph…You knew he was a bachelor because he was buying these things himself because he didn’t have anyone to buy them for him…He looked like crap, too…I felt for him…I’ve been there.

My fave purchase was by this grandma who was plainly spoiling her grandkids: Hot Wheels, candy, toys for the girls, lots of stuff…I looked at the kids…There were about five of them, all with wide, cake-eating grins.

You’re getting pizza for breakfast and brownies and ice cream for lunch, right???

The oldest boy looked at me and nodded enthusiastically…Grandma looked at the kids and at the stuff on the conveyor belt:

I don’t think mom and dad are going to be too happy with me, but I don’t see them all that much…

She let the sentence trail.

I am taking the day off from work tomorrow…I don’t have a shift at the retailer tomorrow, or all of next week for that matter, and I’ve got some sick time to use or lose and there is no point to losing sick days…We are very slow tomorrow and Gabriel and Desiree can easily handle a couple of dozen checkouts.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Join The Conversation and Leave Your Comments Below
Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment
Share