The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 4

The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 4
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

The cream is starting to rise, as Florida International and Iowa State turn up the heat in the race for the ESPNCup, symbolic of Bottom Ten supremacy. The field so deep that despite Rice remaining unvictoried with their usual loss the hilarious Tri-Lateral Commission entry (Rice, Duke, Vanderbilt) returns to the survey.

Also, it’s Historical 500 week at the Bottom Ten as we take our almost-yearly look at the all-time records of this week’s ranked teams.

This week’s mess:

  1. Kansas (1-2; lost to Memphis 43-7)
    Mitigating Factors: Following Week 1 win over lower level school, Jayhawks show they’re all in in defense of 2015 B-10 title with eight (8) punts, five (5) turnovers and five (5) three and outs…Offense getting smiley faces on playbooks for managing not to lower Red Zone Scoring percentage by avoiding red zone altogether…Despite teams changing conferences every hour on the hour, B-10 pollsters still “pretty sure” Jayhawks only have conference games remaining, giving Jayhawks inside track to B-10 glory in weak Big 12.
    Broad Historical Perspective: While only 522-589-54 for 116 years, Jayhawks have one (1) B-10 title and two (2) Tostitos Plaques – issued to team(s) with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – to their credit and can still hold heads high at annual B-10 banquet.
    Next Loss: at Texas Tech (9/29)

 2. Florida International (0-3; lost to UMass 21-13)
Mitigating Factors: After pulling within one (1) with curious third-quarter field goal, offense finishes strong with two (2) punts and a fumble…Consistent Panthers getting it done on both sides of the ball, ranking 104th in Total Offense and 106th in Total Defense…Though current five (5) game skid rather modest by B-10, FIU standards, it’s still good for third best in country…Though minefield of C-USA schedule remains, Panthers have best chance to claim first B-10 title since 2007 squad blew title with win in final game.
Historical .500 Watch:
With 45-101 all-time mark, Panthers make strong claim for coveted Worst Team To Never Win B-10 Title award.
Next Loss: Central Florida 

3. Charlotte (1-2; lost to Eastern Michigan 37-19)
Mitigating Factors: Showdown loss to B-10 perennials thrusts 49ers back into B-10 spotlight…Though leading in most stat categories, efficient 49ers show type of mettle that leads straight to B-10 glory, allowing 21 points off their three (3) turnovers…Game not as close as score indicated, as two (2) late touchdowns came against EMU seventh string defense and some band members looking for some PE extra credit.
Young, But Determined: Though only in their second season of major division football, 49ers already strong contenders for Rookie of the Decade award with 3-12 all-time mark.
Next Loss:
at Temple

4. Iowa State (0-3; lost to TCU 41-20)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 pollsters sending radar out for repair as Cyclones make first appearance of 2016, despite having lost nation’s-best seven (7) straight…Cyclones actually play pretty well, putting up decent offensive numbers while stubbornly refusing to turn ball over…With lack of B-10 playoff, Cyclones need non-conference loss this week against 2010 B-10 champs to stay in title chase.
The Long Road: At 493-625-45 Cyclones are very respectable 134 games under historical .500…Would be dismal 492-626-45 without 1997 Colorado loss being vacated due to NCAA sanctions against Buffaloes.
Next Loss: San Jose State

5. Tri-Lateral Commission (2-7; Rice: lost to Baylor 38-10; Duke: lost to Northwestern 24-13; Vanderbilt: lost to Georgia Tech 38-7)
Mitigating Factors: Rice fan(s) file official protest as Owls lose solo entry in survey despite losing so B-10 pollsters can also make fun of perennials Duke, Vanderbilt…Duke secures spot in entry with easy loss to Northwestern in annual B-10 Hall of Fame game…Bleu Devils – B-10 Team of the Decade for Double Aughts – still trying to recover from four (4) consecutive bowl appearances…Vanderbilt – still benefitting from turn-of-the-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments – sees offensive anchored by 5-10, 185-pound Divinity School students up front turn in four (4) punt, one (1) turnover second half.
Really Broad Historical Perspective: At combined 1458-1663-103, Tri-Lateral Commission second worst combined entry ever behind Burrito Supreme entry of Tijuana Tech/Juarez State, who are a combined 736 games below Historical .500
Next Losses: Rice: North Texas; Duke: at Notre Dame; Vanderbilt: at Western Kentucky

6. Kent State (1-2; defeated Monmouth 27-7)
Mitigating Factors: While running the table in 2016 is out of the question, Kent State fan(s) taking some solace in fact defense allowed late touchdown, thereby avoiding first shutout this decade…Golden Flashes finish 2016 with good, but not great, 1-1 mark vs. lower level teams and are looking to come back strong with .000 mark in the minefield that is MAC play…Kent State can get B-10 swagger back with huge road force feeding to defending national champions this week.
Historical .500 Hunt: Golden Flashes are 197-398-5 all-time…While only criminals with long prison sentences have the time to research this, B-10 pollsters “almost positive” Kent State can become the first major division program “in, like, forever” to reach 400 losses before reaching 200 wins.
Next Loss: at Alabama

7. Earlham (0-3; lost to Anderson 31-14)
Mitigating Factors: D-III Quakers show Continental Cup – issued to team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO – may reside in Earlham trophy case for a while, losing big to Anderson squad that had lost 49 of 54…Earlham has now lost 26 straight…With minus-30 yards rushing and 165 penalty yards in 2016, B-10 staffers slide rule disintegrated trying to figure out Rushing-Yards-To-Penalty-Yards ratio.
The Long March: With D-III teams only playing ten (10) games a year and an all-time record of 360-608-23 Quakers would have to go undefeated through Week 8 in 2040 to reach historical .550…Not including playoffs.
Next Loss: Defiance (10/1)

8. Sun Belt Conference
Mitigating Factors: Sun Belt back in familiar territory, claiming first B-10 Conference of the Week award of 2016…5-16 non-conference record easily sets pace among major division conferences…Rare for Conference of the Week winner, Sun Belt does not have any teams ranked this week, though two former teams – North Texas and Florida International – infest survey…Printable version of conference standings on official website begs the question why in the hell anyone would want to print out Sun Belt Conference football standings in the first place.
New Material Budget Is Still Zero, I See: With 3-3 conference play mark, Sun Belt on track to finish conference season with strong .500 mark.

 9. North Texas (1-2; lost to Florida 32-0)
Mitigating Factors: Once and current B-10 darlings poised for strong 2016 run following obligatory road loss to traditional national power… Mean Green dominates in all phases of the game, mustering just 53 total yards while giving up 471…Only win came against lower level team, meaning Mean Green not only in good position for B-10 title run by losing out, but also Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
Yeah, We Bad:
Loss to Rice this week would not only boost B-10 medal stand hopes, but also improve all-time record to 239-313-11.
Next Loss:
at Rice

10. Army (3-0; defeated UTEP 66-14)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 pollsters still scratching heads over best Army start since 1996…Entire corps of service academies out of their minds, as Cadets, Midshipmen and Airedales are a combined 8-0, leaving vast stockpile of jokes B-10 pollsters can’t use…Army benefitting from Defense Secretary rescinding 2013 order requiring Cadets – in order to better prepare for War on Terror – to drop and give back judge 20 before entering end zone…B-10 pollsters so shaken by 3-0 start, they didn’t even refer to Army as Black Knights of Confusion this week.
Your Mother Wears Army Boots: With 652-501-51 all-time mark, versatile Cadets both winningest, losingest team in this week’s survey.
Next Win: Buffalo

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: North Texas at Rice
B-10 Past vs B-10 Future vs. B-10 Past: Charlotte at Temple
Up Next On ESPN693: San Jose State at Iowa State

The Bottom Ten is the funniest column in America. 

 

 

 

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, September 19
Spent no small part of the day in IT Hell…Well, maybe purgatory but still, it was tuff.

Actually, I had two IT episodes today…The first came at 10:47…I remember the time because I was sitting out back when my personal cell rang…I recognized the number, so I answered.

An hour and 17 minutes later I was done…Added hilarity ensued because it wasn’t even a front desk issue, it had to do with a printer that wasn’t working in the new housekeeping office upstairs, in what used to be our business center….Housekeeping was woefully understaffed, so I rolled on the call.

Their printer still doesn’t work…They had actually called to do a little troubleshooting that really should’ve taken all of ten minutes…There were two factors that contributed to the evolution taking an hour and seven minutes longer.

The first was my lack of technical brilliance…We lost, literally, over a half-hour because I got confused about which cable was which.

The second, honestly, was the girl who had called me spoke heavily accented English that was very difficult to understand…It took twelve minutes before I was able to figure out exactly what she was calling about…It was normal for me to presume it was a front desk issue – we have a couple of open tickets – because why else would she have called my personal cell???

My number, however, must be plastered on the walls in the IT bathroom because even open housekeeping tickets now mandate calling Sparrow.

The troubleshooting was really easy, too…The printer connects directly to an Internet port…The computer hooks up to another one…An hour of my time could’ve been saved had someone whom I could understand had called and said “Hey, dude, we need to determine if Internet port A is working, so plug the computer into it and log on and see.”

Even I could have handled that in short order….Instead, it took over an hour.

The second episode came near the end of the shift when the supervisor’s computer arrived, fresh from the IT repair desk in another state.

This still doesn’t work, either…Regular readers of this crap will recall we have been trying to set up a desk for Tanya and myself in the side office for over a month…The original CPU we tried wouldn’t allow us to log on…So we shipped it to IT…They gave its blessing and sent it back…Same deal…Still didn’t work…Chris was surprised because he said it worked there and had us ship it back…A couple of days ago he had emailed and said it worked fine.

Well, hell…This meant it probably still wouldn’t be working, but I opened the box and set it up with an open mind…You never know.

First, I hooked the Supervisor’s cable up to the Manager’s computer…It worked fine…This means the cable that goes into our computer is live…Then I hooked up the Supervisor’s cable to the Supervisor’s computer…Same problem…I was not allowed to log in…Then, just for funsies, I hooked the Manager’s cable into the Supervisor’s computer and the same thing happened and you do not have to be Bill Gates to conclude the Supervisor’s computer still is not working properly.

Another shift at the retailer without a decent bachelor purchase…There were a couple of rather poignant purchases, however.

The first came from a young man and a young woman, neither of whom could’ve been older than 21…The first time they came thru they bought a Hershey bar and were giving their new food stamps card a test run…It was declined, the screen saying there wasn’t any money on it, so they gave me a dollar for it and I gave them 15 cents change…A few minutes later they came thru buying a hot plate and good gravy, you’re getting food stamps and you’re buying a hot plate…This is not an easy life…I am not sure what their relationship was, but I got the impression they were brother/sister…They had a familiarity with each other you generally don’t see in young couples.

There was no doubt about the relationship of the young couple that bought the pregnancy test, however…They also bought some cheap food and their clothes were new many years ago…Sigh…What are you going to do???…If the test comes back positive Mother Nature will be rejoicing that our species has produced another generation, but she will probably be the only one.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, September 18
Had some fun with my fellow supervisor Tanya today…There’s a whiteboard in the side office and with Stephanie gone for good now, it was blank…I had some time to kill so I wrote “Supervisor Duties” at the top with a SPARROW column on the left and a TANYA column on the right….Under the THANIA column I wrote lots of front desk duties, like audits and inventories and other fun things that involves spreadsheets and computer research.

Under the SPARROW column I wrote lunch, PTO (Paid Time Off) and Early Out…Thania thought it was funny, gave it the laff it deserved and called me a name.

We still haven’t waddled across the street and met our new neighbors, but some research shows they paid about $40,000 more for their house than we paid for ours….This is good, because it means the value of our house, while completely subjective based on what someone would want to pay for it, had probably gone up, quite a bit on a percentage basis, tho we aren’t going to impress the Rockefellers with the value of our home.

I did not work Aisle 5 for the whole shift today!!!!…Most of it, but not all of it.

When I reported for duty Dale was on Aisle 5…All right, Dale’s been there a while so I manned Aisle 2 in good spirits….The problem came an hour later when Dale was scheduled for his lunch hour and had Aubrey relieve him.

Aubrey!!!

Aubrey saw the obvious inequity in this a few minutes in and switched with me, but I was back on Aisle 2 when Dale got back from lunch, tho I eventually spent the last hour-and-a-half on Aisle 5.

There really wasn’t a decent Bachelor Purchase of the Night…I guess all the bachelors were in-house watching football because they sure weren’t shopping…Or maybe they were all stocked up…What was interesting was watching an older gentleman try to purchase and return a car battery in the line being manned by one of the several African immigrants that work here…He really didn’t know what to do…This, of course, had nothing to do with him being African…I wouldn’t have known what to do, either, but it was funny watching the gentleman…He didn’t get impatient, but you could see his face and it was plain he was curious as to whether he’d get sold the new battery or end up walking out with the old one…Eventually it took a Salaried Member of Management to sort the whole matter out.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. 

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

 Saturday, September 17

15 hours in the sack!!!

I am not making that up!!!…1:30pm Friday till 4:30am Saturday…I needed every one of them and I was up a half-hour before the alarm.

I did wake up about 9pm feeling kinda rested, but that was a false alarm…I was back asleep in fairly short order and I did wake up about midnight to use the can, but that was it…I woke up feeling great.

15 hours is pretty good, but it is still four hours off my personal best.

There wasn’t a decent Bachelor Purchase of the Night at the retailer…There was one guy who bought some of the usual things – you know, peanut butter and that jelly that comes in the squirt bottle, some frozen foods, cheap bread – but I look up and he can’t be out of his teens and it wasn’t clear if he was on his own or merely living with parents who don’t give a crap and I care about Customer Privacy too much to ask him.

There’s a new supervisor named Mary…The Wife warned me about her, that maybe my reign at Aisle 5 might be coming to an end, but I wasn’t worried…One, Aisle 5 transcends any instructions a mere mortal like Mary might issue…Two, I know Mary from my days at the Doily Delivery Company…She worked at the retailer, then she went to a bank we serviced but she didn’t like that and returned to the retailer last year and was recently promoted.

Anyway, I reported to the service desk for duty and she said “pick your favorite aisle and go!!!”…God bless this woman…So I went to Aisle 5 and Aubrey was there and she likes me and it was a simple matter to tell her it was probably time for her break and she agreed…I did get a couple of check-outs at evil Aisle 4 when my machine was being rebooted, but that was it.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, September 16
Damn, long day.

I got 45 minutes of sleep last night…I have no idea why…I worked till 8:30pm, got home did some reading and then nothing…The mind simply would not stop turning and me being me it wasn’t as if it was turning with the most profound thoughts in human history, either.

Not helping was the fact I had to be back at work at 5am and sometimes its tuff to fall asleep when you know there’s an alarm clock waiting for you in a few hours.

So I am exhausted as I write this…I was virtually completely useless at work and left early.

Good night…Or good afternoon…I am going to bed.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

 Thursday, September 15
Warning: some moderate guy humor follows!

So I’m hanging around the Maintenance office waiting for the afternoon team meeting to start and Richie and Dan are in there…Regular readers of this crap might recall that Richie has a gut you could toss batting practice off of and generally looks and talks like someone from New Jersey….He likes to give the impression he’s all gruff and mean and stuff, but he’s really a softy.

Richie was sitting at the desk farting around on the computer and he had a cast on a wrist…I said hey, Richie, what’s up with the cast on your arm.

She crossed her leg…

All right, that was pretty good guy humor and I, as more or less a Leading Authority in the field, chuckled appreciatively…The line is not original tho…I had first heard it many years ago in the Navy, from a crusty old senior chief who happened to show up with a cast on his wrist…I’ve never had a cast on my wrist, so I’ve never been able to use it, but will if I ever do.

Anyway, Richie later admitted to having some minor surgery done on his thumb…I looked around for a Sharpie, announcing to everyone in the office that I wanted one so I could draw something obscene on Richie’s cast.

Too late, Sparrow…Someone beat you to it.

They had, too!!!…Richie had, rather cleverly, drawn some more stuff on there to make it look not like a male sex organ, but if you looked closely you could see the original artwork, not that I looked too closely…Richie added that a girl who works at my front desk did it, which surprised me.

This was my first team meeting in a while…They have them every day, but they start at 12:30 and I am usually at lunch at that time, but I went in at 12 noon today and there isn’t much point in eating lunch a half-hour after you report for duty – even for me – so there was a no reason for me not to go.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, September 15

Some moderate excitement today, as I called 9-1-1 early this afternoon.

I was the only one home, and I was the desk farting around when I heard what sounded like a gunshot…We live in a quiet, small town so this wasn’t particularly likely, and I look out, and large horse trailer was pulled over in the vacant lot next door…Probably had blown a tire…There’s smoke spewing from the rear left tire well and some neighbors were already on the scene with fire extinguishers and a couple of horses were being escorted out the back.

This would probably be nothing, but one thing I’ve learned over the years is you never know in situations like this, so I called 9-1-1…As it was, it was nothing…There wasn’t a fire and no one – human or equine – was hurt and by the time Officer Friendly moseyed on by, they had the tire changed and were almost on their way.

At night Her Majesty asked me about I have called Roots…We had actually discussed Roots before…I forget when, as well as the context, but she remembered it asked about it today.

Roots, some might recall, came out in the 1970’s…The author traced his ancestry back to Africa, specifically to man who was captured and taken to America for a lifetime of slavery…It was one hell of a book, richly researched and brilliantly written…The only downside was the author later admitted to stealing portions from another writer.

One part, specifically, left an indelible impression on me…His ancestor had already been kidnapped and was being held in the hold of a ship, waiting for transport across the ocean while other slaves were kidnapped…He was on his back, chained to a board and left to wallow in his own filth.

Good gravy…This is not a life, this is a sentence and got me thinking I’ve got it pretty good…After all, my life is what I choose to make it and I am not chained to a board awaiting shipment to a foreign land for a life of bondage.

I vowed never to complain about anything ever again, tho I will whine from time to time…It a modest amount of searching to find it in my library – it wasn’t where the hardcover books usually are, it was in with the paperbacks for some reason – and I gave it to her, telling her she may never whine about anything ever again after she’s done with it.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 3

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 3
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

And they’re off!!!

 With 16 teams already with losing records, the competition for the most coveted trophy in all of sports – the Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – as off to its most competitive start in recent memory.

There are so many lousy teams in 2016 that Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere are already starting to drool over the possibilities and all eyes will be on Detroit this week as the Titans, in their quest for a Bottom Ten three-peat, pay a courtesy call on the Lions, the only 0-16 team in NFL history.

This week’s fiasco, as the nags limp out of the starting gate:

  1. Tennessee Titans (0-1; lost to Minnesota 25-16) – Titans already in midseason form, blowing leads, turning the ball over and still unable to rush the football like you would expect of two (2)-time defending B-10 champion…Current five (5) game skid tied for best in NFL…Next Loss: at Detroit

2. Cleveland Browns (0-1; lost to Philadelphia 29-10) – Browns all in in quest for first B-10 title, losing starting QB before anybody needed a deodorant…Entire country already looking for something else to do on Nov. 10, when Browns make only prime time TV appearance…Next Loss: Baltimore

3. San Diego Chargers (0-1; lost to Kansas City 33-27 OT) – Nobody really doubted Chargers’ ability to lose close road games, but blowing 24-10, fourth quarter lead delivers Chargers directly to B-10 medal stand…Chargers must take one game at a time, and not get caught looking ahead to games against Tennessee and Cleveland…Or Jacksonville …Next Loss: Jacksonville

4. Dallas Cowboys (0-1; lost to New York Giants 20-19) – Showing competitive greatness of B-10 champion, Cowboys out-gain and out-first down the Giants, but still manage to lose when receiver isn’t smart enough to run out of bounds on last play…Current five (5) game skid tied for best in NFL…Next Loss: at Washington

5. Chicago Bears (0-1; lost to Houston 23-14) – Strong second half key, as Bears toss interception on first drive beforevreally throwing in towel and punting on next five (5) possessions…Though only Week 1, it is already plain Bears will go as far as complete lack of running game takes them…Next Loss: Philadelphia

6. Chicago Cubs (92-52; lost to St Louis 4-2) – Cubs continue march to first World Series title since 1908, which was 108 years ago, which is a very long time…Should have NL Central clinched by this time next week…Only NFL game this week where all scoring came on safeties…Next Loss: 2017…Good luck repeating

7. Los Angeles Rams (0-1; lost to San Francisco 28-0) – No wonder Rams wanted to hightail it out of St Louis, as they knew folks with good Midwest common sense would never pay to watch this crap…Hilarious joke about Los Angeles Rams still not having scored a point since mid-1990’s – thought up by us last week – already in general circulation B-10 deadline…Next Loss: Seattle

8. AFC South (1-3) – Defending Pete Rozelle Award winner – issued to NFL’s worst division – wins Week 1 Marv Levy Broach, symbolic of AFC’s worst division…Gets nod over equally 1-3 AFC East just because…Next Loss: Automatic entry into AFC playoffs, as league looks to get winner automatic berth in Sun Belt Conference title game.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1; lost to Green Bay 27-23) – Despite owner hell bent on winning, Jaguars 0-1 for fifth straight season…Great opportunity for loss this week, as it isn’t easy to cross country and win in NFL, especially when you suck…Next Loss: at San Diego

10. NFC South (1-3) – All set to give AFC South run for its money in race for Pete Rozelle Award, NFC South takes first Ray Malavasi Pin – issued to NFC’s worst division – of 2016…Three (3) losses by a total of nine (9) points, showing division bottom-dwellers can lose close ones…Next Loss: Insert usual joke about division champion earning berth in small college football playoffs here.

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Tennessee at Detroit
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Jacksonville at San Diego

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

 Tuesday, September 13
Recall last week before our camping trip Sir Allan and I made some trail mix…Really good trail mix, too…Chez-Itz, cashews, honey roasted nuts, lots of great stuff… And since even a modest amount of a lot of ingredients adds up, we had a lot of trail mix, so much we still have leftovers here in the kitchen.

The only downside was Sir Allan requested pretzel sticks be included…Well, OK…Make no mistake, I like pretzels…Officially, I am pro-pretzel!!!…But pretzel sticks are kinda hard to reach in and grab…They take up a lot of space in your hand and cashews tend to fall out, life’s great tragedy.

Well, I was kinda hungry this afternoon…The Wife was out and we have a lot of healthy stuff in the house now so there was nothing to throw between two slices of bread with mayo so I decided to dine on some trail mix.

Do NOT tell Sir Allan this, but I took the pretzel sticks out…It was fairly labor intensive, but it was a leisurely afternoon – I didn’t leave the house all day – so I had the time….I felt terrible about it, but I did put the pretzel sticks in a container for thru-the-day snacking for others.

I really didn’t leave the house all day…Well, I went outside a couple of times…I forget why, but I came right back in…Maybe I was doing some watering or something…I also got a couple-hour nap in.

The new neighbors appear to have moved in…There are lights on at night and we can see movement inside and they appear to have at least one young kid…We haven’t stopped by to see them and introduce ourselves, tho.

And I still haven’t mowed the lawn.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 3

The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 3
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

All hail the Jayhawks!

The defending ESPNCup holders refused to rest on their laurels, following up their Week 1 smackdown of a lower level team to start yet another losing streak, with a breathtaking home loss. A repeat of last year’s Bottom Ten title isn’t going to be easy, though, as the medal stand is filled out with 0-2 teams that threaten to run the table in 2016.

Elsewhere in the Bottom Ten, chaos reigns as Charlotte is bumped from the top spot following a win over a lower level team, a clear violation of some Bottom Ten bylaw or another. Fortunately, at this stage of the season, any team can make a strong claim for Bottom Ten glory merely by losing out.

This week’s mess:

  1. Kansas (1-1; lost to Ohio 37-21)
    Mitigating Factors: Defending B-10 champions come back strong after smacking around lower level team in Week 1…While defense sets pace by bursting out to early 25-0 deficit, steady-as-she-goes offense in midseason form with six (6) punts, three (3) turnovers and a (a) safety…With loss Jayhawks back on track for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win…Despite Week 1 win, Kansas has still lost 21 of 23.
    Dust In The Wind: With B-10 race expected to be close, Jayhawks could benefit from strength-of-schedule points received from losing to MAC team.
    Next Loss: at Memphis

2. Kent State (0-2; lost to North Carolina A&T 39-36)
Mitigating Factors: Unranked in first polls of 2016, Golden Flashes return to B-10 medal stand following classic four (4) OT, come-from-ahead home loss to lower level team…Coaching staff officially “pleased” with type of no heroes, next -man-up total team loss that really builds character for B-10 title run, showing Golden Flashes can play well and still lose the close ones…Current seven (7) game skid second-best in nation and best since 2007-08 squads blew nine (9) straight.
As The World Turns: Kent State can really go all in for B-10 title run with second consecutive loss to lower level team this week.
Next Loss: Monmouth

3. UMess (0-2; lost to Boston College 26-7)
Mitigating Factors: Thinking game was being played under experimental Team-Leading-At-End-Of-First-Quarter-While-Playing-In-NFL-Stadium-WIns rule, Minutemen lead 7-0 after first quarter before putting in scout team…Offense says “we got this” taking charge with minus 23-yards rushing, seven (7) drives of negative yardage and three (3) turnovers…Strong second half key, as offense produces six( 6) punts and an interception, while defense stays the course, giving up 13 points…College football so popular in Massachusetts only 25,000 or so showed up for lousy interstate battle played in professional stadium.
Broad Historical Context:
UMess, which resumed major division football in 2012, has not a season that featured a losing streak of less than four games since 1904 squad went 5-2-1.
Next Loss: Florida International

4. Washington State (0-2; lost to Boise State 31-28)
Mitigating Factors: Sort of B-10 perennial Cougars back in well-charted waters following stirring loss to ranked team, which followed stirring Week 1 loss to lower level school…Cougars off to first 0-2 start since treasured 2009 squad finished year on B-10 medal stand…Loss to Idaho this week for Potato Famine Plaque could be type of classic morale-depleting loss that sends Cougars straight to B-10 medal stand.
Coach, U-Haul On Line Two: In his sixth season at Washington State, pressure really on coach Mike Leach to produce solid B-10 run in 2016.
Next Loss: Idaho

5. Charlotte (1-1; defeated Elon 47-14)
Mitigating Factor: 49ers fan(s) file official protest after B-10 pollsters violate B-10 bylaws and drop Charlotte from top spot following win against lower level team…B-10 pollsters cite lack of B-10 pedigree, failure of bribe check to clear by deadline, as reasons for dropping 49ers from top spot…With deep B-10 field starting to assert itself, 49ers need to break off long losing streak, deposit funds in bank account, to get back in B-10 race.
Only 108 Shopping Days Till Christmas: Proof that Charlotte still developing football tradition can be found that when googling “Charlotte football” the first thing that is auto-populated is name of chick clothing site.
Next Loss: Eastern Michigan

6. Earlham (0-2; lost to Gallaudet 30-0)
Mitigating Factors: Quakers lose 25th straight, easily retaining Continental Cup – issued to team with longest losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence…Consistent Quakers give up one (1) touchdown in each quarter…With 90 penalty yards and minus-34 rushing yards, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” they are unable to figure out Earlham’s Penalty-Yards-To-Rushing-Yards ratio, though they are “more or less” certain it’s “really bad and stuff”.
In The Crosshairs: Earlham hasn’t won since October 2013’s 21-20 win over Anderson…Anderson isn’t any good either, having lost 49 of 54, including 29 straight earlier this decade.
Next Loss: Anderson

7. Rice (0-2: lost to Army 31-14)
Mitigating Factors: Owls back in B-10 mix following decisive loss to eight-time defending Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – winners…Owls come back strong following touchdown on opening drive with five (5) punts and an interception while “defense” lays down gauntlet, giving up touchdowns on three (3) of first four (4) drives…Owls getting back on B-10 schneid, going 5-7 in 2015, which followed three straight bowl game appearances.
Now Hear This: Rice hindered by Army Secretary pregame ruling requiring Cadets to impale all tackled runners on stake, leading to depleted running back corps that saw tuba players carrying ball at end of game.
Next Loss: Baylor (9/16)

8. Coast Guard (1-1; lost to Merchant Marine Academy 31-27)
Mitigating Factors: With major division service academies off to a combined 6-0 start, B-10 pollsters really slumming, making fun of small college, shallow water officer candidates in spot normally reserved for Army…Though a D-III school, Bears show mettle of traditional B-10 power, blowing two leads and rushing for only 70-yards…Coasties have lost five (5) of six (6) Secretaries Cups against arch-rival Mariners.
Name Game: Starting QB Derek Victory expected to change name to Derek .500 later this week. 
Next Loss: 
Catholic

9. Louisiana – Famous Dead Person (2-2; UL-Monroe: lost to Oklahoma 59-17; UL-Lafayette: defeated McNeese State 30-22)
Mitigating Factors: Hilarious joint entry back in B-10 survey, following #9 ranking in final 2015 poll…UL-M keeps entry on track with strong blowout loss to traditional national power, breaking out to 42-0 halftime deficit before coasting in second half…With Sooners playing special ed students and PE majors in second half, UL-M keeps starters in to pad stats with 17 points…UL-L keeps pace with close win against lower level school, with game not decided until UL-L recovers onside kick, takes knee at end of game.
Mark Your Calendars…Now: Annual match-up between two teams always highlight of B-10 social season…It’s on 12/3 this season, with loser, as usual, receiving Billy Cannon Certificate, symbolic of Cajun football ineptitude.
Next Losses: UL-M: Georgia Southern; UL-L: Southern Alabama

10. MAC
Mitigating Factors: Paced by Kent State, MAC teams have three (3) of the five (5) longest losing streaks in the country, easily earning B-10 Conference of the Week award…Three-quarters of MAC is either at .500 or below, and four (4) are winless…With usual powers MAC and Sun Belt Conference expected to be strong, and with the Pac-12 making noises they aren’t any good, it  could be a pitched battle for coveted B-10 Conference of the Year award.
This Line Never Gets Old…We Don’t Think: Despite slow start, MAC fully expected to mimic Sun Belt Conference and rebound for strong .500 mark in conference play.

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Eastern Michigan at Charlotte
Up Next On the Fox Sports Southeastern Washington/Really Western Idaho Network, Following This From Your Friends At Dave’s Dairy: Idaho at Washington State
B-10 Past vs B-10 Future: Florida International at UMess

 

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