The Sunday Bottom Ten #7 – March 11, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Another rathole week in the books. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
Mitigating Factors: NCAA President Dave Emmert said this: “…these are college kids playing a game…this is their moment…let’s give them their due”…Yeah, let’s do that so you can continue to whore them out while you pimp yourself to tee vee networks so NCAA revenues continue to top $1 billion…Congress, IOC – noted pimps and whores themselves – have notebooks out because when NCAA is testifying class is in session, baby.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: The NCAA should just go away…They close up shop on Friday and Saturday the for-profit, publicly traded College Sports America takes over governing major division college sports.
2. US/North Korea Talks
Mitigating Factors: Man-child leaders of once-proud military dictatorship and once-proud beacon of the free world agree to unprecedented talks…Though avoiding of nuclear annihilation expected to top agenda, latest from Twitter feed, fave sneakers of top NBA players also expected to come up for discussion.
Oh, Wait, Look!: Easy to see two men of no particular substance grappling only issue that really matters – avoiding nuclear war – getting distracted by passing clouds, evening’s dessert menu.
3. Mississippi Abortion Law
Mitigating Factors: Legislature of noted state passes law prohibiting abortion after 15 weeks despite fact some girls in rural part of state merely think they’re gaining weight until week 16…Governor expected to sign bill next week as nation eagerly awaits years of lawsuits and appeals.
Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: Your views on abortion are your lookout, but what free people want their government mandating choices in this matter???…The government must stay out of the abortion debate.
4. Michigan State University Protests
Mitigating Factors: A couple of dozen arrests and some injuries at protest outside of speech given by alt-right wizard who believes whites are superior to others…Speaker was same guy who fueled last summer’s KKK pep rally in Charlottesville, Virginia.
FunFact: You know, however you want to ID them – alt-right, white supremacists, the GOP – they make up such a small part of the population it is statistically insignificant…We ignore these people and they probably go away…The more we pay attention to them – like writing about them in half-wit columns like this one – the more you empower them.
5. The Story of Civilization: The Reformation by Will Durant
Mitigating Factors: Latest read for Sunday B-10 pollsters finally finished…We’ve been reading Durant for years and this was meticulous, substantive even by his lofty standards…While not a rollicking historical thrill ride, it does offer rewards if you are patient and willing to put some work in as Durant does usual dutiful job of issuing insights into human experience we expect of our writers.
“The Individual Succumbs, But He Does Not Die If He Leaves Something To Mankind.”: Don’t tell anybody, but we didn’t read the entire book…After Luther and Henry VIII died, we skipped over some parts that didn’t interest us, like effect of Reformation in sub-Saharan Africa and the Antarctic.
6. Florida Gun Control Law
Mitigating Factors: Legislature passes and governor signs half-assed law that is nothing more than political dickhandling…Law provides for a variety of things those truly hell-bent on causing mayhem will ignore, plus dangerous, useless provisions for English Lit teachers, study hall monitors to pack heat…Ink from governor’s signature not even dry before NRA sashays into federal court suing.
More Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: We have violent citizens because America has been at war daily since 1989…Does anybody really believe mass shootings would be as prevalent if America had been at peace every day since 1989???…Violence is our government’s go-to reaction…It should be no surprise it’s our reaction, too.
7. International Women’s Day
Mitigating Factors: First IWD of #MeToo era sees women basking in glow that 110 years after first IWD #MeToo exposes still necessary…Hollywood producers, still reeling from Weinstein scandal, vow to do more for women, agreeing to exchange casting couch for hotel suite, more nude scenes for babes…President Trump celebrates occasion with light second base action for female staffers.
#PressForProgress: Don’t worry guys, March 9 to March 7 are still International Days of Guys
8. St Peter’s Peacocks (0-5)
Mitigating Factors: Division I Peacocks retain Sunday Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere-of-influence – with splendid 0-3 week to extend losing skid to 45 games…Peacocks rank Dead Last of 297 D-I baseball teams in Hits, Runs and Walks Allowed and 290th or worse in a lot of other categories.
FunFact: With .181 team batting average, 12.07 team ERA, Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” batting average-to-ERA ratio would lead league if Sunday B-10 pollsters were actually smart enough to figure it out, which they’re not.
Editor’s Note: The Sunday Continental Cup is stolen from college football Bottom Ten survey’s Continental Cup – issued to the college football team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO…Losing streaks are accurate as of bedtime Saturday night.
9. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: Totals since 2004 show over 4,700 strikes in Afghanistan, Yemen, Pakistan and Somalia killing between 7,000 and 10,000…Special Olympics personnel standing by to present Pentagon with A For Effort Award as almost 85 percent of drone deaths non-civilian.
FunFact: Despite these numbers being deserving of their own war – and despite being Constitutionally mandated to do so – Congress has not declared war on anybody since World War II.
Drone strike, death source: Bureau of Investigative Journalism
10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: Once more with feeling: our country is dying!!!…If status quo – i.e. Republicans and Democrats – was going to change anything, like produce a nation at peace or an economy anchored in low taxes and free markets they would have done so by now…They’re not, so if we want these things we must go and get them at the ballot box this November.
FunFact: The only thing standing between us and the government we want looks us in the mirror every morning…We must have the courage to set aside the status quo if we expect good things to happen for our country.
Thought for the Week: If you are acquainted with the principle, what do you care for a myriad of instances and applications? – Henry David Thoreau, Walden
The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.