The Sunday Bottom Ten VI – March 4, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Let’s start right in, shall we:
This week’s mess:
1. Steel/Aluminum Tariffs
Mitigating Factors: With recent tariff proposal, current regime forgetting History’s lessons that free trade drives growth, fuels efficiency and promotes innovation…Tariffs on steel and aluminum imports will only stifle all those things, not to mention obliging America to deal with even more ill will than the planet has for us now.
Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: All any trade restriction does is limit consumer choices and drive up prices…They only benefit those who otherwise cannot/will not compete in a free market.
2. Donald “Rambo” Trump
Mitigating Factors: Sure, Mr President, it’s easy to believe you’d run into a school to confront an active shooter when your only demonstrable talent is drawing attention to yourself…Maybe you could attack them with your Twitter account…You are as delusional as Sunday B-10 pollsters when we tend to think we’re John “Johnny Wad” Holmes.
Stick ‘Em Up: While experience shows you never know how someone will react until the deal actually goes down, and we applaud Mr President’s can-do attitude, we think he would have retreated to an observational position at the nearest mini-mart for emergency hot dog, Pringles requisition.
3. Gun Control Conversation
Mitigating Factors: Though GOP/NRA still farting around on issue, time coming when Americans will demand their government do something…The time has passed to hide behind Second Amendment or merely wanting laws passed merely to say we did something.
We The People: We Americans must decide how much security we want and how much we are willing to give up for it…We must be careful abridging a constitutional right because once one starts to go, others will follow…We must remember that neither criminals nor law-abiding citizens will follow laws that do not reflect the way we actually live…Good luck, America!!!
Mitigating Factors: The NCAA should just go away…We have only tipped the NCAA bribery scandal iceberg and Sunday B-10 pollsters eagerly looking forward to day when other shoe drops in football, indoor track…The amateur model is no longer workable for major college athletics and NCAA is incapable of governing major division sports, only enabling bribery specialists, crooks, child molesters.
USA! USA: With conference tournaments in progress, annual March Madness institution around the corner, American sports fan(s) heroically ignoring mounting evidence that NCAA is pimp, whore, john at same time as attendance, TeeVee ratings remain strong.
Mitigating Factors: With fewer and fewer cities interested in hosting Games, perhaps time has come to hold events in same cities every four years…This would obviate single city from building velodromes, natatoriums they’ll never use again and events can be held where there are strong interest, deep historical ties…A similar model can be used for Winter Games.
FunFact: The Opening Ceremonies, as well as some ancient events, can be in Athens, track in London, basketball in America, soccer in South America, et al…When it’s all over the world can gather in Los Angeles for baseball gold medal game, marathon, Closing Ceremonies.
6. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: Sunday B-10 staple shows another strong week for killing civilians, military alike in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia, Yemen as total for 2018 up four big attacks to 28 for 2018…139 dead, too, though civilian total remains relatively low…We are drone striking these countries and killing innocent men, women, children despite fact Congress has not declared war against them.
Hot US Constitution Article One, Section 8 Action: The last time Congress declared war was in June 1942 when it declared war on noted zanies Hungary, Bulgaria, Romania.
7. Nap Time For Stephen Miller
Mitigating Factors: Presidential aide caught napping during school safety conference makes him easy social media fodder…While Sunday B-10 pollsters mindful of seriousness of topic, any meeting featuring President Rambo, nation’s governors bound to bore living hell out of almost anyone, advise the cutting of some slack in the matter.
FunFact: Sunday B-10 pollsters also wondering if conference discussed fact America has mass shootings because we have violent citizens…We have violent citizens because we have a violent American government…If America had been at peace every day since 1989 instead of at war, these things would not be happening on mass scale.
8. St Peter’s Peacocks (0-2)
Mitigating Factors: After running table last season with perfect 0-38 campaign, Peacocks take first spring Sunday Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 41-game skid…Peacocks off to 0-2 start this season, already hitting only .235 with 1.375-to-1.000 strikeouts-to-hits ratio…Sunday B-10 pollsters sending shoutout to D-II Lincoln University, which actually has longest current skid, 43 straight games despite not playing since end of 2015-16 season.
Lemon Lime, Tutti-Fruitti, We Are Going To Kick Your Booty: #metoo’ers, other feminists already up in arms over men’s only status of Sunday Continental Cup, pointing out D-III North Central University has lost 45 straight softball games, and 126 of 147 since April 2012.
Editor’s Note: losing streaks accurate as of Saturday night.
9. Jury Duty Anniversary
Mitigating Factors: Nine years back for Sunday B-10 pollsters only known jury service…Still a fond memory…Can recall Dad talking about jury service at kitchen table as kid and always wanting to be on one…Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” triumphant guilty verdict for DUI, not guilty verdict for causing significant bodily harm still being dissected at leading law school(s), though jury did lose some face with death penalty recommendation.
FunFact: Perhaps because he always sat at head of table, yours truly also elected foreman, backed by a broad-based coalition that included chicks, labor (the stereo installer) and minorities (the black guy).
10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: Might as well just cut and paste this every week: our country is dying!!!…Anybody who tells you America can maintain eternal warfare, mindless debt and social divides that are making the 60’s look like something out of Mother Goose is either deluding themselves, trying to delude you or – as likely as not – both.
FunFact: Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” America will be tossed aside the scrap heap of history before this half-century is out if we don’t start doing something soon.
Thought for the Week: Everyman achieved his own greatness by reaching out beyond himself, and so it is with nations…Only when a nation means something to itself can it mean something to others. – Werner Von Braun
The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season. It tends to run on Sundays.