The Sunday Bottom Ten #15 – May 6, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
This week’s winners:
1. LeBron James
Mitigating Factors: Saturday night’s last-second game winner further no real surprise as King James almost single-handedly carrying Cleveland Cavaliers through current NBA playoffs…James making strong case for greatest ever in a sport loaded with names like Chamberlain, Jordan, Krystkowiak.
FunFact: James only getting stronger at conclusion of 15th NBA season, averaging 34.8 points, 9.5 rebounds and 8.8 assists per game.
2. 2018 Nobel Prize for Literature
Mitigating Factors: #MeToo era claims another casualty after husband of Swedish Academy member – which issues peace prize – is accused of sexual assault by 18 women…Academy says it will issue two (2) awards in 2019…While #MeToo-ers have claimed trophies from Hollywood to the Heartland to Europe, president of United States still in office despite fact he said he likes to grab women by the p*ssy.
FunFact: Sunday B-10 pollsters officially “pissed” at delay, since they were “pretty sure” they were on the short list of finalist, but holding out hope for one of the two 2019 awards.
3. Congressional Term Limits
Mitigating Factors: On Monday President Trump comes out in support of an effort by lawmakers for term limits for members of Congress.
Get Your Official Gaylon For Congress Policy Right Here: Term limits are not the answer…Us Americans already have the greatest form of term limits ever devised: regular elections…The fact we keep re-electing the same people and getting substandard government is not the incumbent’s fault, it’s ours for continuing to reelect them.
4. Major League Baseball
Mitigating Factors: The Grand Old Game is changing and not for the better, as in April battes struck out more times than they got base hits for the first time ever over the course of a month…For the record, batters struck out 6,656 and only mustered 6,360 hits.
FunFact: Everybody is Dave Kingman now: swing for the fences and see what happens…Between this and shifts and batters who refuse to hit to the opposite field, baseball is getting more and more difficult to watch.
Mitigating Factors: Fresh off new scandals and allegations and an independent commission’s report, an NCAA vice-president is visiting colleges and their conferences to discuss cleaning up the sport with coaches and athletic directors.
LOL: Ha!!!…This is akin to having an inmate task force investigate prison security improvements or the College of Cardinals work on sex abuse reform…The only solution is for the NCAA to go away and for major division college sports to start all over.
6. Gaylon’s New Book
Mitigating Factors: We The People: Making America America Again now available…It’s an entertaining and thoughtful look at our country and how demanding voters are all this country needs to become itself again…The best news is it is short enough to be read in one sitting…Only $3.99 at www.gaylonkent.com
FunFact: Also available are old favorites The Regular Guys and Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: A Vegas Memoir!!!…Go in peace, serve The Sunday Bottom Ten.
7. Immigrant Caravan
Mitigating Factors: 150 or so plucky Central Americans traveling through Mexico to get to promised land is a pretty touching story, but US law is US law and most of the caravan will probably have their claims denied…As we write this, all are in the US, with mothers and their children headed to detention center in Texas, while the men head to various other centers to wait out process that usually takes years.
FunFact: Sunday B-10 pollsters still scratching their heads wondering why in the hell anyone would want to come to America right now, though they remain “pretty sure” America still easier to get to than China.
8. St Peters (0-37)
Mitigating Factors: Peacocks easily retain Sunday Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – going 0-5 this week, extending losing skid to 76 games…Peacocks petitioning NCAA for moral victory designation for only getting outscored 73-17 this week, including season-high ten (10) runs in loss in opening game of Saturday’s doubleheader.
FunFact: Maniacs in NCAA baseball office aren’t entirely certain if Peacock’s losing streak is official NCAA record or not, but they report they’re “pretty sure” it probably “like, ranks right up there and stuff”.
9. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: Pentagon officials patting themselves on back with four (4) new drone strikes this week, though Special Olympic officials standing there shaking their heads as this week’s death toll same as last week’s, so apparently they didn’t kill anybody…US officials wonder if orphanage kids were out playing soccer or perhaps hospital had been evacuated.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: Countries being routinely drone-striked – Afghanistan, Somalia, Yemen – are sovereign nations the United States is not at war with…Some find it surprising to find our America has not actually declared war since World War II.
Source: Bureau of Investigative Journalism
10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: Talk of term limits and draining the swamp is all a bunch of dickhandling because while it may not seem like it, our government is in our hands…Not in the hands of incumbents, media or lobbyists, but in our hands…All that is needed to make America America again is concerned and conscientious, participating and demanding citizens taking charge on Election Day.
FunFact: Fellow citizens, our country needs our help…We can either vote for the status quo or we can make a difference this Election Day…Because if you and me – we the people – don’t do something soon America will be tossed on History’s rubble pile before this half-century is out.
Thought for the Week: “Where was all this infinitesimal matter before it was set in motion by mind?” “Everywhere.” “No real answer.” “Perhaps no real question.” – Gore Vidal, Creation
The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Ten columns Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.
Gaylon has funny books for sale at www.gaylonkent.com