The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13

The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy 

Oh the humanity. 

Wins by Rice and New Mexico State have seen the race for the ESPN Cup – symbolic of Bottom Ten supremacy – go from a three (3)-team race to a title that is Akron’s to lose – literally. In fact, the field has been blown so wide open Bottom Ten pollsters were obliged to trot out the hilarious New Mexican joint entry. 

In other Bottom Ten news, Thiel College, a Division III school somewhere in Pennsylvania, has taken the Continental Cup – issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO – home for the winter with their 27th consecutive loss. 

This week’s fiasco: 

1. Akron (0-10; lost to Eastern Michigan 42-14)
Mitigating Factors: Patience, perseverance, complete inability to stop run finally paying dividends, as Zips ascend B-10 throne for first time in 2019 when #1 team wasn’t in bye week…Zips rank Dead Last in Rushing Offense (52.5 ypg) and also setting national pace with only 13 offensive touchdowns…Cross country, rifle, chick volleyball all sports featured before football team on official athletic website as Play Football For Akron link now least clicked on link on Internet.
FunFact: Current 15-game skid not only nation’s best, but best in school history, too.
Next Loss: at Miami (Ohio) (11/20)

2. UMess (1-10; lost to Northwestern 45-6)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 Hall of Famers Northwestern officially sanctions UMess B-10 run with type of pasting Wildcats regularly endured in their B-10 salad days…Minutemen actually led in this one 3-0, before calling off the dogs and settling in for eight (8) drives of four (4) or fewer (fewer) plays…With only “win” coming against Akron, UMess in prime position to claim first B-10 title should Zips stumble and win.
FunFact: With classic Puritan/Morman rivalry scheduled for this week, UMess staffers petitioning NCAA to change overtime procedure to Te Deum Laudamus chant-off at midfield.
Next Loss: BYU

3. UTEP (1-9; lost to UAB 37-10)
Mitigating Factors: Strong start key, as offense punts, turns ball over on first six (6) possessions, while defense chips in with 23 unanswered points…Current nine (9)-game skid tied for second best in country…Though Miners have tough road to B-10 title, UTEP can still claim share of Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
FunFact: With both Rice and New Mexico State winning Miners stand to lose big strength-of-schedule points and will need help to win second B-10 title in three (3) years.
Next Loss: at New Mexico State 

4. Rice (1-9; defeated Middle Tennessee 31-28)
Mitigating Factors: Owls shoot selves in foot again, as November win scuttles title chances for second consecutive year…Despite giving up two (2) late touchdowns, not even Rice defense bad enough to overcome offense’s highest output of season…Planetary alignment now better bet than Rice B-10 title chances as Owls not only need to lose out, but need wins from both Akron and UMess.
FunFact: Owls immediately discharged from B-10 medal stand and now just another one (1)-win team with problems.
Next Loss: North Texas

5. Thiel (0-10; lost to Grove City 63-0)
Mitigating Factors: In only second week in possession of Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere-of-influence – Division III Tomcats already full acclimated to B-10 limelight, turning in 27th consecutive loss…In finest Lutheran tradition, Tomcats gracious hosts, giving up touchdowns on nine (9) of first ten (10) possessions, until Grove City, pleading exhaustion, punts on last three (3) drives.
FunFact: Future insurance salesmen, choir directors in Class of 2020 graduate with impressive four-year record of 5-35
Next Loss: Season over

6. New Mexicans (3-17; New Mexico: lost to Boise State 42-9; New Mexico State: defeated Incarnate Word 41-28)
Mitigating Factors: With New Mexico State somehow winning, and UNM riding a seven (7)-game skid, B-10 pollsters dust off traditional, hilarious, joint entry…Aggies see B-10 title hopes go up in smoke with win over lower-level team…Lobos back in survey with second seven (7)-game losing streak since 2018.
FunFact: With both teams expected to contend for B-10 hardware for next several years, B-10 staffers filing paperwork to have annual rivalry game for Border Wall Cup – symbolic of New Mexican football ineptitude – be played on final week of season.
Next Loss: New Mexico: Air Force; New Mexico State: UTEP

7. Vanderbilt (2-8; lost to Kentucky 38-14)
Mitigating Factors: Commodores again hindered by turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as Theater Department majors on special teams cause multiple delay of game, unsportsmanlike conduct penalties after game officials taken hostage during Civil War reenactment…Consistent Commodores rank 100th or worse in 15 official NCAA stat categories.
FunFact: A B-10 legacy team, Commodore fan(s) know losing last two (2) games will make team tough for B-10 pollsters to ignore when handing out medal stand berths.
Next Loss: ETSU

8. South Alabama (1-9; lost to UL-Lafayette 37-27)
Mitigating Factors: Jaguars show mettle that leads straight to B-10 glory, losing despite rushing for 351 yards and only turning ball over once as clutch defense has everyone’s back, blowing two (2) leads…Jaguars another team strong on both sides of ball, ranking 120th or worse in three (3) offensive categories and 111th in Rushing Defense (203.5 ypg)
FunFact: With only win coming in Week 2, Jaguars will need help to claim Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest winning streak in season that actually includes a win – even, when, they lose out.
Next Loss: at Georgia State

9. UNLV (2-8; lost to Hawaii 21-7)
Mitigating Factors: Perseverance key for Rebels, who turn three (3) Hawaii turnovers into only seven (7) points…Rebels back in survey for first time since disastrous Vanderbilt win shattered B-10 title dreams…Rebels can get back in B-10 pollster’s good graces with loss this week to San Jose State squad that has lost four (4) out of five (5).
FunFact: Though Rebels have only lost rather modest four (4) straight games, supporter(s) point out UNLV only team in survey who has done this twice in 2019.
Next Loss: San Jose State

10. Big Ten Conference 
Mitigating Factors: Thought not expected to contend for B-10 Conference of the Year Award, conference issued coveted weekly honors as B-10 pollsters acknowledge late surge that has three (3) conference teams combining to lose 15 straight games while six (6) teams have won four (4) or fewer games.
FunFact: Despite recent struggles, Big Ten has manned up for strong .500 conference play mark. 

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: UTEP at New Mexico State
Up Next On ESPN725: San Jose State at UNLV
Let Us Pray: BYU at UMess


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