The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 9

The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 9
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy 

It’s on. 

With three (3) 0-7 teams, three (3) hard-charging one (1)-win teams that have lost six (6) straight and a UTEP squad lurking and ready to pounce, Bottem Ten fan(s) everywhere are gearing up for an ESPNCup race for the ages, with teams knowing that every turnover, every missed block, every false start will be key to determining Bottom Ten success in 2019. 

This week’s mess: 

1. Rice (0-7; lost to UTSA 31-27)
Mitigating Factors: Owls back on top, not missing beat following bye week, blowing five (5) leads as offense chips in four (4) turnovers…Rice defense taken out behind equipment shed for whoopin’ after somehow only allowing seven (7) points following turnovers…Owls can’t rest on laurels, as minefield of C-USA schedule remains, as remaining opponents have only won 41% of games.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Owls’ Blown-Lead-To-Turnover-Ratio of 1.25-to-1.00 is “like, the worst this week and stuff”.
Next Loss: Southern Mississippi

2. Akron (0-7; lost to Buffalo 21-0)
Mitigating Factors: Zips show determination to win first-ever B-10 title, tossing first shutout of 2019…Rushing game, complete inability to stop same, keying Akron’s 2019 B-10 success, as Zips rank Dead Last in Rushing Offense (49.7 ypg) while giving up 198.7 rushing yards each game…Another team with brutal road to B-10 glory, as remaining opponents have won only 40% of games.
FunFact: Zips current 12-game skid best in nation.
Next Loss: at Northern Illinois

3. UConn (1-6; lost to Houston 24-17)
Mitigating Factors: Huskies back in hunt with sixth straight loss…Though hardly the statistical juggernaut they were last year, Huskies getting it done where it counts, getting outscored by impressive an 38.1-to-18.7 every week…Though 2019 B-10 race tightest in a generation, defending B-10 champions can rmeain on B-10 medal stand radar with loss to UMess this week.
FunFact: With only win coming in opener, Huskies generally considered team to beat – literally – in race for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – if they can lose out.
Next Loss: at UMess

4. Rutgers (1-6; lost to Minnesota 42-7)
Mitigating Factors: Defense takes charge in second half, breaking open 14-0 game by allowing four (4) straight touchdowns to start second half…No one hitting paydirt, splitting uprights less than Scarlet Knights, who rank Dead Last in Scoring Offense (11.1 ppg) …With team having already matched 1869 win total, Rutgers booster(s) have started Project 300, a tricentennial celebration designed to double team’s win total to two (2) by year 2169.
FunFact: With dangerously winnable non-conference game this week, Scarlet Knights cannot get caught looking ahead to remainder of easy Big Ten schedule if they expect to remain in B-10 medal stand hunt.
Next Loss: Liberty 

5. Northern Illinois (2-5; lost to Miami, Ohio 27-24)
Mitigating Factors: Huskies earning respect of B-10 fan(s) everywhere following gritty road loss to lousy Miami squad…Huskies show character required to level up in tough B-10 race, losing despite out-rushing opponents and committing zero (0) turnovers…It’s tough to get noticed in B-10 with two (2) wins, but in MAC all things are possible, as Huskies can get on fast track to B-10 glory with clutch, actually any kind of loss, to Akron this week.
FunFact: Huskies setting pace for Pollster’s Cup – issued to B-10 team with worst all-around fall sports program – as fall teams currently combined 16-39-3.
Next Loss: Akron

6. Shorter (0-7; lost to North Greenville 7-0)
Mitigating Factors: Division II Shorter – a Baptist school in Rome, Georgia – retains Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – with 46th consecutive loss…Hawks show mettle of past Continental Cup holders with first shutout loss since last week…Diversified offense refuses to punt on every possession, livening matters up with a couple of turnovers and turning ball over on downs.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Hawks first team “in, like, forever, dude” to run record to 0-7 with a 7-0 loss.
Next Loss: at Mississippi College

7. Old Dominion (1-6; lost to UAB 38-14)
Mitigating Factors: 39-yards rushing, three (3) turnovers, strong, early 28-0 deficit all key to Monarchs sixth straight loss…Though new to B-10 race, Monarch fan(s) downright giddy over prospect of earning no worse than share of Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
FunFact: Defense actually not too bad as alleged “offense” keeping team in B-10 race, ranking 120th or worse in every offensive stat category, including Dead Last in Total Offense (242.6 ypg)
Next Loss: Florida Atlantic

8. UTEP (1-5; lost to Florida International 32-17)
Mitigating Factors: 2017 B-10 champions, Miners still in hunt to make it two (2)-out-of-three (3) titles following fifth straight loss…Strong start key, as defense allows scores on every first-half possession while offense chips in interception, safety on two (2) of first three (3) possessions…Miners have lost five (5) straight and 27 (27) out of 30 (30).
FunFact: With final two games against New Mexico State, Rice, Miners have rare opportunity to claim both B-10 title and no worse than share of Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: Louisiana Tech

9. Conference USA
Mitigating Factors: C-USA celebrating 25th anniversary with strong football showing, wresting coveted B-10 Conference of the Week award from MAC in what promises to be closest B-10 Conference of the Year voting ever…C-USA gets nod based on minor detail of 40 percent of Week 9 survey made up of conference itself or its teams, a monopoly not seen since good old days of Sun Belt Conference.
FunFact: Despite woes, C-USA still managing to post strong .500 conference play mark. 

10. Clemson (7-0; defeated Louisville 45-10)
Mitigating Factors: Defending national champions have won 22 straight, are winning games by average score of 40-12 and continue to drop in those other surveys…B-10 pollsters willing to provide home for Tigers if needed, but wish Top 25 pollsters would get collective heads out of their vending machine dispensers and give Tigers rank commensurate with a 22-game winning streak.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters scouring basement at B-10 headquarters for suitable award should defending national champion Tigers go undefeated and not get invited to Nick Saban Invitational playoff.
Next Slaughter: Boston College 

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Akron at Northern Illinois
MAC Thriller of the Week: Akron at Northern Illinois
Eastern Seaboard Instant Classic: UConn at UMess


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