The Diary of a Nobody/February 5

It’s Read Free Sunday at The Diary. Today’s entry is on the house.

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, February 5
Ol’ Sparrow was assaulted tonite at the hotel!!!

I am not making that up.

It started about 20 minutes after reporting for duty…112 had called to whine about needing a couple of more pillows so I go and attend to that – or not attend to it, because I couldn’t find any – and yours truly returns to the lobby and the bar’s manager had poured a drunk customer onto a lobby couch, plainly content to let ol’ Sparrow take care of the havoc they had wrought…This was not the Upset of the Year because the bar was very loud when I’d come in. 

Anyway, I say hi and ask if I can be of service and he sort of says something non-committal and then I ask if he is a guest of the hotel and he doesn’t know either way and I ask for an ID and he is unable and unwilling to produce one…There are some others in the lobby and nothing’s really wrong right now but then he stands up and starts bothering guests and then he attempts to leave but the automatic doors are confusing and then he starts getting loud and that’s it, I call the police, the non-emergency number because right now we only need help moving out a drunk…This is done discreetly and I’m far enuff away so that he can’t hear me.

I’m on the phone with the dispatcher and the guy’s starting to yell now and the chick is asking me useless questions on par with what’s my favorite color and do I like to hike…It’s unreal, the guy is drunk and loud and stupid and while there are a few feet between us, I’ve got one hand tied up with the phone…All I really want to hear is an officer is on the way, not give a goddamned deposition. 

Almost as important as my own safety is the safety of our guests and I manage to shoo them away and the lobby is clear, which is good because it allows me to give the ding dong my complete and undivided attention…I’m still on the line with the dispatcher and she, finally, says an officer is on the way when the guy starts advancing towards me…Fuck…This is not what I need…I can defend myself – the knife is handy as a last resort and I know some tactics others might not – but you don’t want to defend yourself…At least I don’t…I back up and we’re in the back of the lobby with the tables and chairs and I’m still backing up and some people come thru the front door and then the idiot really advances and pushes me back and I’m on my keester on the fireplace mantle.

All right…You get the advantage of the first move, but after that, you’ve got problems…I’m not Jackie Chan but I keep my head in these situations – half the battle – and I’ve had some training…I reach up and grab his throat, drop the phone – or maybe it was the other way around – and start to stand and get some leverage because once you get some leverage you can throw options out there…My plan was to kick him in the balls, but grabbing a wrist and continuing to choke him are also in play.

Kicking him in the balls has both advantages and disadvantages…One, it’s easy…Two, as any guy can tell you, it works; it would certainly get him off me tho it would probably mean cleaning up puke or blood or, as likely as not, both…But threats against me are ended immediately and for good…Sorry…I’m a fucking hotel nite auditor…I’m not paid to be assaulted and I’m not some mamby-pamby who’s going to tolerate your nonsense. 

He gets a break, tho, because right then one of the guys who’d just come in grabs him from behind and expertly takes him down like the wrestler he used to be…Right then Officer Friendly arrives and takes charge, with the cop taking care to ID himself so the guest doesn’t go ape shit on him, too.

I was glad to see him…Two others came within a minute and later another officer and a sergeant stopped by to see what was shaking…I was offered medical attention and a mental health advocate – I am not making that up – but both were declined.

Scott the Owner gets emailed on an employee assault, especially when it’s mine – along with GM Andy with everyone else cc’d…In a separate email to Scott and Andy I noted that if he was so drunk ol’ Sparrow was obliged to defend himself, the guy probably should’ve been cut off hours before…Unsaid was please discuss with your GD effing bartenders. 

The assault completely overshadowed yours truly adding the overnite low to his wake-up call greeting…It was completely out of the blue and went off splendidly, first take, dead solid perfect…The low tonite was minus-2, right now it’s zero and the high today will be 27. 

You can’t rest on your laurels tho…We all know there will be another wake-up call greeting to do tomorrow. 

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 1430 Saturday until 1930 Saturday…5.0 hours for the day and 47.5 hours for the week, a fine total before the Fo Ti Era (FTE) but a rather hum-drum one now.


The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence. 

 It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name. 

 Gaylon’s books can also be found at The Reading Salon.

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