The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 5 By Gaylon Kent America’s Funniest Guy
After having both themselves and their bar tabs released from quarantine, the Bottom Ten pollsters are back, with the first survey of the season in what is already the deepest Bottom Ten field in recent memory as there are no less than two games this week featuring two 0-3 teams.
With half the league either winless or possessing a lone victory, the race for spots on the Bottom Ten medal stand and for The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – promises to be the closest in ages with every false start, turnover and dropped pass sure to be important.
August 16 I spent most of the night in the New York, New York garage, by choice. I was talking to Roger from day shift last week and he said he spent all his time in the garage, the whole week, and he enjoyed it so I turned the situation around and committed myself to enjoying it too.
The Daily Dose/September 29, 2020 By Gaylon Kent America’s Funniest Guy
Leading Off Notes from around the human experience.
HUT, HUT HIKE: The news that the Big Ten Conference would be resuming football, naturally, drew the interest of Bottom Ten pollsters. Then the Pac-12 Conference announced it would, too. Then came the news Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere were waiting for:
The Mid-American Conference will be resuming football!
Our Long National Nightmare Is Over: With this news, it means that all ten major college conferences will be playing at least some games this season and with that, your fearless Bottom Ten pollsters – after due consultation with their bar tabs – are pleased to announce both the NCAA and NFL Bottom Tens will resume.
Dry, Technical Matter: To date, both the NCAA and NFL Bottom Tens have been in reruns, the NCAA survey because there is, was, no point to it without MAC participation and the NFL because there is no point to it without its collegiate counterpart.
Fly In The Ointment: The only question is when the 2020 surveys will debut and Bottom Ten pollsters are in constant consultation both with each other, Dr Fauci and their bar tabs in order to figure out the best possible date for a return.
The Bottom Line: As many of your fave Bottom Ten awards as possible will be handed out. There wasn’t an NFL preseason so the Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude though once award to Colin Kaepernick’s ‘fro won it once – can’t be issued and the small colleges still aren’t playing so the Continental Cup won’t be, either, but The Bottom Ten will be back.
…one of the benefits to never clearing off your desk is the scraps of paper you write your phone messages down on are always nearby…It took some looking but I found Mike’s number – ‘dental work’ was written next to it – more or less where I’d thought I’d find it and I called him and left a message…Had I thrown away the slip of paper – or, worse, written his name and number down in one of those phone books without the notation – I would not have been able to contact him.
I go and inspect and the engine is running and the windows are tinted but I do notice a human form in the back seat. It takes a couple of seconds to get his attention because he appeared to be receiving the act of fellatio. Confirmation seemed to come – so to speak – when a female head pops up and the guy starts pulling his pants up. I felt bad, of course, though probably not as bad as he did, and told them to move on.
Commodores continued to be hampered by turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as ROTC detachment calling defensive plays get “war games” and “football game” confused, drawing NCAA-record 2,345 penalty yards for Illegal Incoming Mortar Fire.
Free Stuff The same trick the drug dealers use.
Backstairs at the Monte Carlo Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip. – Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever.
Criminals, Courtesans and Constables Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. – Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.
Click on the button to get started to read The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables for only $4.99, a steal.
On This Date The long march to today.
In 1789 – The opening session of the 1st Congress of the United States adjourns in New York City. The session had convened in March and would, among other things, send what would become the Bill of Rights to the states for ratification and it also established the State, War, Treasury and Justice departments, as well as organized the federal judiciary. It would reconvene the following January in New York City and its final session would be held in Philadelphia.
In 1979 – Manny Mota of the Los Angeles Dodgers establishes a new major league record for most career pinch hits in a 3-0 loss to the Houston Astros. Mota’s eighth-inning single, batting for Jerry Reuss, was the 146th pinch-hit of his career, breaking the record of 145 established by Smokey Burgess between 1949 and 1967. Mota’s first pinch-hit had come on June 2, 1962 for the San Francisco Giants, a fourth-inning single batting for Jim Davenport. The record is now held by Lenny Harris, who had 212 pinch hits between 1988 and 2005.
In 1958 – Tommy Edwards is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the first of six consecutive weeks with It’s All in the Game. It was the third of eight chart singles for Edwards and remains his only #1 hit. The song also went to #1 in Great Britain and was also in its first of three consecutive weeks at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart. The song has returned to the Hot 100 on two other occasions: by Cliff Richard and the Shadows (#25, 1964) and by the Four Tops (#24, 1960).
Some Philosophy Crap The wisdom of the ages. Whatever.
You don’t have much hope of getting the truth if you think you know in advance what the truth ought to be. – Robert B Parker, Pale Kings and Princes
Answer To The Last Trivia Question It’s not who you know, but what you know.
The New York Cosmos won five North American Soccer League titles, the most of any team.
Today’s Stumper Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar.
Which vice president of the United States co-wrote It’s All in the Game? – Answer next time!
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As Bottom Ten pollsters limber up for the return of real Bottom Ten columns, they are pleased to offer this really funny column from 2019.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 5 By Gaylon Kent America’s Funniest Guy
Five (5) unvictoried teams, one ESPNCup.
Sure, the 2019 Bottom Ten title is Rice’s to lose – literally – but they still have the minefield that is Conference USA play remaining and should they stumble and win, there will be no shortage of teams ready to step in, as the deepest field in memory fumbles their in mortal combat for coveted spots on the Bottom Ten medal stand.
And as usually happens about this time, there is no shortage of one-win teams tossing their hat in tje ring for the Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with the longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
As usual, though, Guy mobilized like it was a four-car pileup, putting Jo(s)e to work and even calling me in from the garage for traffic control while he utilized his two biggest talents, taking command of the routine and schmoozing.
Free Stuff The same trick the drug dealers use.
Backstairs at the Monte Carlo Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip. – Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever.
Criminals, Courtesans and Constables Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. – Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.
Click on the button to get started to read The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables for only $4.99, a steal.
On This Date The long march to today.
In 1928 – Alexander Fleming of Great Britain, then a young bacteriologist, finds a bacteria-killing mold growing in his laboratory, a discovery that would later turn out to be penicillin. The mold had grown on a plate of staphylococcus bacteria that had been left uncovered and Fleming noticed the mold had killed a variety of bacteria. The discovery ushered in the age of antibiotics and Fleming would later share the 1945 Nobel Prize in Physiology and Medicine.
In 1968 – The Atlanta Chiefs earn the first major division professional soccer championship in the US, winning the North American Soccer League (NASL) title. The Chiefs defeated the San Diego Toros 3-0 in the final game of a two-game aggregate goal series the first game of which had been a 0-0 tie. Despite enjoying some popularity in the late 1970s, the NASL folded after the 1984 season, the Chicago Sting winning the last title.
In 1974 – Waylon Jennings is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles chart – for the only week with I’m a Ramblin’ Man. It was the second of 15 #1 country hit for Jennings, who had first hit the charts in 1964 and the song also peaked at #75 on the Hot 100. The song was written by Ray Pennington, whose own version had peaked at #29 on the country chart in 1967.
Some Philosophy Crap The wisdom of the ages. Whatever.
One sometimes finds what one is not looking for. – Alexander Flemming
Answer To The Last Trivia Question It’s not who you know, but what you know.
The St Louis Browns won their most games in 1922, when they went 93-61, finishing in second place in the American League, one game behind the New York Yankees.
Today’s Stumper Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar.
What team won the most North American Soccer League titles? – Answer next time!
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The Daily Dose/September 27, 2020 By Gaylon Kent America’s Funniest Guy
The Sunday Bottom 5 The very best of the very worst of the week that was.
1. Pac-12 Football – Everyone else is playing, you might as well, too…Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” debate over conference champion getting College Football Playoff berth rendered moot because champion probably would have been left out anyway.
2. College Football – All major division conferences now scheduled to resume seasons, either pacesetters for America’s return to normalcy or desperate gamblers betting the future health of unpaid college kids against cashing some network TV checks…You make the call!!!
3. Lauren Daigle – At 103rd non-consecutive week at #1 on Hot Christian Songs chart with You Say, extending Billboard all-singles-chart record…Wendy Carlos’ all-time Billboard record of 110 weeks at #1 (Switched On Bach, classical album chart, 1968-72) now in cross-hairs…You Say first hit #1 in July 2018.
4. COVID-19 – Pesky illness still taking advantage delayed, inept, uncoordinated American response as American deaths surpass 200,000 mark…Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters remain “pretty sure” a timely, competent response would have resulted in a fraction of those deaths…COVID-19 still unable to bring down major division college football.
5. President Trump Fact Check – The 5-hole staple, click here for usual weekly update of latest from Liar-in-Chief..Includes modest Joe Biden action, too.
Today At The Site Writing worth reading. Usually.
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has what he believes to be a record sundry stand sale.
Speaking of the sundry stand, ol’ Sparrow did what had to be a record sale: $18.50 to this guy who had just come in from smoking some weed, a figure that does not include some popcorn thrown in with my compliments…It was like he was loading out for a cruise: Hot Pockets, two breakfast sandwiches (both of which had to be retrieved from the back office freezer because the new one hadn’t been stocked yet) two sacks of chips and several candy bars…Almost interesting: no beverages…I was going to ask about this but instead asked if it was all for him and he said no, which I didn’t altogether believe.
0345 – I conclude 482 (lunch), but linger in the EDR (employee dining room) for a few minutes in the hopes a babe or two walk by…
Free Stuff The same trick the drug dealers use.
Backstairs at the Monte Carlo Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip. Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever.
Criminals, Courtesans and Constables Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.
Click on the button to get started to read The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables for only $4.99, a steal.
On This Date The long march to today.
In 1956 – US Air Force Captain Milburn Apt becomes the first human to travel at Mach 3 – three times the speed of sound – in a flight on a Bell X-2 above southern California. After reaching Mach 3.196, Apt lost control while attempting to return to Edwards Air Force Base and died after ejecting from the aircraft. The aircraft would eventually land a few miles away with minimal damage.
In 1953 – The St Louis Browns play their final game, a 2-1, 11-inning loss to the Chicago White Sox. It was the 100th loss of the year for the Browns, their eighth 100-loss season and their tenth last-place finish in the American League. The Browns had been in St Louis since 1902, after spending their first season in Milwaukee and won their only American League pennant in 1944. They would become the Baltimore Orioles in 1954.
In 1941 – Jimmy Dorsey is at #1 on Billboard’s Best Selling Singles chart – then the only Billboard chart in existence – for the only week with Blue Champagne. It was the fifth #1 song of the year for Dorsey, establishing a Billboard pop chart record that would stand until the Beatles had six #1 songs on the Hot 100 in 1964. Dorsey would finish the decade with seven #1 songs and 32 total weeks at #1, both totals that trailed only Bing Crosby (9, 55) for the decade. The vocals were sung by Bob Eberly.
Some Philosophy Crap The wisdom of the ages. Whatever.
If to please the people we offer what we ourselves disapprove, how can we afterwards defend our work? Let us raise a standard to which the wise and honest can repair. – George Washington
Answer To The Last Trivia Question It’s not who you know, but what you know.
After Philadelphia in the Revolution, the other time the British occupied the US capital was in the War of 1812, when they occupied Washington D.C. and burned down the White House and other buildings. The British didn’t win that war, either, as Washington was not regarded as that important a conquest at the time..
Today’s Stumper Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar.
In what year did the St Louis Browns win their most games? – Answer next time!
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Posted in2020|Comments Off on The Daily Dose/Sunday, September 27, 2020
