The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 2
By Gaylon Kent America’s Foremost Humorist
Like fruit flies that simply will not go away, that American institution – the NFL Bottom Ten Week 2 Interregnum Poll – is back!!
Necessitated by the extra week between the Week 1 NFL poll and the actual start of the NFL regular season, the 2016 edition features the usual assortment of lousy NFL team(s) and witless social commentary the entire country has come to know and love.
As always, the highlight is the awarding of the first Bottom Ten hardware of the season, the Jim Hanifan Medallion, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten ineptitude.
This week’s mess, as the nags enter the starting gate:
Colin Kaepernick’s ‘Fro – Totally rad hairstyle becomes first coiffure to win the Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL B-10 lousiness…Veterans themselves, B-10 pollsters rather sympathetic with QB sitting during national anthem as one of the reasons we served was to protect his right to speak his mind…Personally, we issue a hand salute during the anthem, but knock yourself out.
2. Don Criqui – Hall of Fame football announcer we’ve always enjoyed makes his first B-10 medal stand appearance and is back for another year of sponsoring This Is Don Criqui Reporting, the hilarious B-10 lead line highlighting second lousiest match-up of week in NFL…Retired from NFL announcing for a few years, Criqui now the only reason to listen to Notre Dame football.
3. Chicago Cubs – Often, if not usually, eliminated from NL pennant race by time Interregnum Poll released, Cubs actually in first place in NL Central and have a magic number countdown…While they certainly don’t want to jinx the Cubs, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Cubs are “basically a lock” for first World Series title since second T. Roosevelt Administration.
4. Interregnum – Seldom-used word makes annual appearance in ranking of lousy, professional football teams…2016 ranking takes on added significance as time between presidential election and inauguration is only time word is used in America.
5. Tim Tebow – 2014 Jim Hanifan Medallion winner set to try hand at professional baseball career…B-10 pollsters have always been big Tebow fans – he does have a tendency to win – and are thinking of offering him spot on B-10 softball team for 2017…They could use a shortstop…And an outfielder.
6. 2016 Summer Olympics – While far from a resounding success, Rio did manage to prevent any actual deaths to athletes during competition or on medal stand…B-10 staffers currently working on plan to have various Olympic events held in the same places around the world every four years.
7. Legal Weed In Colorado – Dude…Really…
8. Gaylon For Congress – Fresh off getting almost three percent of the vote in 2014 Colorado US Senate election, hack author of Bottom Ten back at it in bid for US House seat…Has currently raised $7 in campaign contributions.
9. US Electorate – Still tolerating substandard government, voters being treated to worst major-party presidential choices ever…Had Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson – a former two-term republican governor of New Mexico – been the GOP nominee he would be polishing up is inauguration speech right prior to naming the Electoral College score this November.
10. Cleveland Browns (0-4) – Browns get great head start on regular season with flawless, winless preseason, missing out on Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude – to far out, outta sight hairstyle in closest voting ever…Despite not winning coveted award, Browns still receive congratulatory text from 2015 Jim Hanifan Medallion winners, the Washington Generals basketball team.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 2
By Gaylon Kent and Allan Mayes, Special Correspondent
Editor’s Note: Allan Mayes is the son of Gaylon’s wife. He is a long-time Bottom Ten fan and is visiting the homestead this week and made more than one contribution to this week’s survey.
All the losing has died in victory.
Mourning clothes are being worn around the Bottom Ten office as Cheney College, winners of the last two Continental Cups – issued to the team with the longest losing streak in the NAFTA sphere of influence – up and won, snapping their 43-game losing streak.
After the tragic win Bottom Ten staffers were quick to send flowers, while assuring Cheney fan(s) their place in the Bottom Ten Hall of Fame was still secure, as the Wolves remain the only team to win three total and two consecutive Continental Cups – issued to the team with the longest losing streak in the Milky Way.
This week’s mess:
Charlotte (0-1; lost to Louisville 70-14) Mitigating Factors: Charlotte, in their first year of B-10 eligibility, opens second major division campaign with head-turning blowout road loss…With Kansas win, 49ers now proud owners of Nation’s Longest Losing Streak (NLLS) with eleven (11)- straight losses…49ers avoid heartbreak of crushing, last second defeat by sprinting out to 56-0 halftime deficit…Offense shows way with eleven (11) punts, six drives of three plays or less and a fumble. Mark Your Calendars: With losses to lower level team this week and in 9/17 showdown with Eastern Michigan, Charlotte can go a long way to taking control of B-10 race. Next Loss: Elon
2. Oregon State (0-1; lost to Minnesota 30-23) Mitigating Factors: Formerly under-the-radar Beavers make first ever medal stand appearance, with current ten (10)-game skid best since 15-gamer in mid-1990’s…Beavers refuse to fold against Gophers, blowing two (2) leads in type of come-from-ahead loss that puts Beavers squarely on B-10 pollsters radar…Leading 23-17 after three (3) quarters, Beavers seal the deal by punting and turning the ball over on downs twice, while defense does its part allowing two rushing touchdowns. Mr Potato Head We Like You: Beavers can claim annual Au Gratin Casserole Cup with losses to Boise State and Idaho State the next two games. Next Loss: Boise State (9/17)
3. North Texas (0-1; lost SMU 34-21) Mitigating Factors: North Texas fan(s) ecstatic to be back on B-10 medal stand following snub in final 2015 B-10 poll…Balanced attack sees offense turning the ball over on first two possessions while defense keeps pace, allowing scores on three (3) of first (1st) four (4) possessions…Following 1-11 mark in 2015, expectations for 2016 so low athletic department website leads off with soccer pic on homepage…A B-10 perennial, Not-So-Mean Green can take big step towards first B-10 title since 2007 with another loss to lower level Bethune-Cookman. This Is Casey Counting Them Down: With five (5) straight losses, Not-So-Mean Green still working their way up consecutive loss chart, but have still lost twelve (12) of last thirteen. Next Loss: Bethune-Cookman
4. Kansas (1-0; defeated Rhode Island 55-6) Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks snap Nation’s Long Losing Streak (NLLS) at 15 after smacking around hapless lower level Rams…Kansas still in running for second straight B-10 title and are in prime position to claim third Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win…Jayhawks still suck, having not won consecutive games opening 2011 2-0…Jayhawks can get B-10 title hope back on track with big home loss to lousy MAC team this week. Play The Game Tonight: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Jayhawks will continue to lose to all major division opponents, with next wins not anticipated until 2023-24’s home and home series against Tijuana Tech. Next Loss: Ohio
5. Earlham (0-1; lost to Southern Virginia 28-10) Mitigating Factors: A Division III school in Indiana, Hustlin’ Quakers now proud possessors of coveted Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 24 straight losses…Losin’ Quakers so bad this isn’t even longest skid this decade, as heroic 2010-12 squads celebrated new decade with school-record 26-straight losses…Current squad has record in crosshairs, opening with strong Week 1 loss…After starting game with two punts, Earlham lays hammer down, closing out half with turnovers on last four drives. Waiting In The Wings: D-III Lewis and Clark, idle in Week 1, in hot pursuit, having lost 23 straight. Next Loss: at Gallaudet
6. Army (1-0; defeated Temple 28-13) Mitigating Factors: B-10 Hall of Famers for only 0-13 season in college football history (2013), Army’s 2016 title hopes take big hit with Week 1 win…Black Knights of Confusion now face must lose game against traditional B-10 power Rice and rest of 2016 schedule a minefield, including games against North Texas, Buffalo and dreaded Morgan State…Army helped by Temple University Acting President’s pregame decree requiring Owls to let Cadets “score and make tackles and stuff” to improve morale for future battles against ISIS. Forward, March: Despite win, Army still in position to claim ninth consecutive Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness. Next Loss: Rice
7. Vanderbilt (0-1; lost to South Carolina 13-10) Mitigating Factors: Historically strong finishers, Vanderbilt hoping strong start combined with usual strong finish will to lead B-10 promised land…Turn-of-the-century merging of Athletic, Student Affairs department still paying big B-10 dividends as Debate Team captain comes up clutch, missing late, tie-breaking field goal attempt…Commodore defense then takes charge, showing ability to lose the close ones by allowing go-ahead field goal with 35 seconds left…Commodores must avoid usual, morale-depleting wins against lower level teams to contend for B-10 medal stand in 2016. Strong Finishing Kick: Commodores show type of mettle that leads straight to B-10 medal stand, blowing 10-0 halftime lead. Next Loss: Middle Tennessee
8. Pac-12 Mitigating Factors: Power 5 conference starts 2106 with pedestrian 4-4 non-conference mark, taking Week 1 Conference of the Week award as benchmark schools UCLA, USC and Washington State all lose…While nationally ranked UCLA saves some face with OT road loss, once-proud USC has lunch handed to them by Alabama…Cougars make big pitch for own B-10 entry opening season with loss to lower level team for second straight season. Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: With B-10 perennials the MAC and Sun Belt conferences expected to have usual strong campaigns, Pac-12 is not a favorite for B-10 Conference of the Year award, but is expected to come back with strong .500 mark in conference play.
9. UMess (0-1; lost to Florida 24-7) Mitigating Factors: B-10 pollsters officially “concerned” over relatively close 17-point road loss to perennial national power…Really tho, B-10 pollsters more concerned over fact bookies looking to collect after losing shirts by taking the over….Minutemen seeking official Moral Victory designation from NCAA after being tied 7-7 as late as the second quarter…B-10 pollsters concerned over fact UMess did not turn ball over once as Minutemen offense getting smiley faces on playbooks after getting first downs on 60 percent of their drives. Broad Historical Perspective: This week’s game vs Boston College most anticipated matchup between these schools since historic 1902 game when UMess was 0-0-1 and BC 0-2…UMess finished season 2-3-2 while BC ran the table at 0-9. Next Loss: Boston College
10. Holy Trinity (0-3; Notre Dame: lost to Texas 50-47 2OT; Boston College: lost to Georgia Tech 17-14; Anna Maria: lost to Coast Guard 34-0) Mitigating Factors: Irish feeling God’s wrath after violating terms of Fourth Commandment and not remembering the Sabbath Day and keeping it holy and playing goddamned football on the holiest day of the week…Boston College, fresh of a #6 B-10 finish in 2015, has lost nine (9) straight, third best in nation…Former Continental Cup holders Anna Maria back in B-10 survey…AmCats went 1-9 in 2014, 0-10 in 2014 and have lost 37 of 42 since starting football in 2009. Let Us Pray: Catholic priests none too happy over losses, as players at all three (3) schools taken out behind the rectory for beatings, wee peeks down the jock straps.
Next Losses: Notre Dame: Nevada; Boston College: at UMess; Anna Maria: at Nichols
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Boston College at UMess This One’s Ain’t Going To Be Any Good, Either: Rice at Army Good Seats Still Available: Entire Sun Belt Conference schedule
The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 1
By Gaylon Kent America’s Foremost Humorist
And they’re off!
Coaching changes, key injuries and lousy drafts all come to a head as the race for the most coveted trophy in sports – the Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – is about to kickoff.
Sure, all eyes are on the anticipated dog fight between Tennessee and Cleveland, but veteran Bottom Ten fan(s) know you ignore the long shots only at your peril. The race for the Dan Henning Trophy is a 16-week sentence that only the weak, unfocused and untalented survive.
The opening week mess, as the nags enter the track:
Editor’s Note: 2015 records, final Bottom Ten ranking in parenthesis.
1. Super Bowl 50 – Fiasco of a title game was easy pick for 2015 B-10 Game of the Year honors…18 penalties, 6 turnovers and 12 sacks made this a B-10 Instant Classic…First Super Bowl to achieve Week 1 top ranking since that one were Garo Yepremian tried to throw a pass that one year …Next Loss: Never…There will never be a Super Bowl worse than this one.
2. Cleveland Browns (3-13; 2nd) – Browns fans ecstatic over 2015 runner-up finish, of course, but B-10 perennials must avoid crushing late season win(s) if they hope to ascend to B-10 promised land…Opening Loss: at Philadelphia
3. Dallas Cowboys (4-12; 3rd) – While B-10 pollsters firmly convinced Cowboys could contend for B-10 title with Tony Romo at QB, they are super double-sure they will do worse than another medal stand berth now that he’s broken his back again…Opening Loss: New York Giants
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11; 5th) – 19 wins over last five (5) seasons and a 2013 medal stand finish have made Jaguars one of B-10’s most stable franchises, but morale-depleting consecutive wins and failure to lose the big one has kept team from coveted B-10 title…Opening Loss: Green Bay
5. Tennessee Titans (3-13; Two-time defending Bottom Ten champions) – 2014…2015…2016?…Dare Titan fan(s) dare to dream of a B-10 three-peat???Team officials hoping glow of offseason B-10 Hall of Fame induction doesn’t cause team to rest on their laurels lose focus……Opening Loss: Minnesota
6. AFC South (25-39; 7th) – Defending Pete Rozelle Award winners – issued to NFL’s worst division – early picks for repeat performance…Could get competition under seldom used NAFTA clause from CFL East, where three teams have four wins and one has three and none have a winning record…Opening Loss: Entire Week 1 schedule
7. Chicago Bears (6-10; 9th) – Midgets of Midway at crossroads…Not too bad and not too good in 2015, Bears must do some deep soul searching to see if they have what it takes to contend in 2016…Six (6) of ten (10) losses were by less than a touchdown, so they’ve shown they can blow the close ones…New Soldier Field still ugliest stadium in history of mankind…Opening Loss: at Houston
8. NFL Relocation (0-3) – Played king maker and allowed the favored Rams to move back to a city they’d once abandoned but allowed Dean Spanos to play by the rules then gave it to him in the shorts, forcing him to either work a deal in San Diego or become tenants of the Los Angeles Rams…Next Loss:
9. Los Angeles Rams (7-9; NR) – Returning for three seasons to stadium they rejected as inadequate in the Carter Adminsitration…B-10 pollsters, who were in LA at the time, still flummoxed as to why they left in the first place…Few teams and cities had the bond the Rams had with LA…Next Loss: at San Francisco (9/12)
10. San Diego Chargers (4-12; 6th) – With offseason chaos concerning moving and being unable to sign top draft pick, Chargers should easily have sufficient momentum to build on losing ten (10) of last twelve (12) in 2015 (2015)…Opening Loss: at Kansas City
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Entire AFC South schedule
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Cleveland at Philadelphia
