This is the final week the Bottom Ten surveys are on the house.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 3
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It’s the ultimate inequity: 14 unvictoried teams, but only ten (10) spots in The Bottom Ten. In fact, space in the Week 3 survey is at such a premium B-10 stalwarts like UMess and UConn are obliged to share their first-ever joint entry.
In these trying times, Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere are grateful for the consistency of New Mexico State, who retain the top spot in their quest for their first ESPNCup – symbolic of NCAA Bottom Ten supremacy.
This week’s mess:
Editor’s Note: there were seven (7) ESPNCup champions in 2020. All are referred to as defending champions.
1. New Mexico State (0-3; lost to New Mexico 34-25)
Mitigating Factors: Aggies continue quest for first-ever wire-to-wire B-10 title, earning co-share of Holy Trinity Common Cup – issued to first team to start 0-3 in 2021…Stubborn Lobos stick with it, as loss not ensured until late interception, complete inability to move ball on final two (2) drives.
FunFact: Aggies offense showing way to B-10 glory in 2021, already ranking 120th or worse in three (3) offensive stat categories: Rushing Offense, Scoring Offense and Team Passing Efficiency, tho B-10 pollsters remain “pretty sure” they still don’t know what team passing efficiency is.
Next Loss: South Carolina State
2. Arizona (0-2; lost to San Diego State 38-14)
Mitigating Factors: Wildcats earn highest B-10 ranking ever, as nation’s-best 14th straight loss anchors them in B-10 runner-up spot…Wildcats have not won consecutive games against major division teams who ended season with winning records since 2014…Wildcats in uncharted waters, with B-10 staffers obliged to overnight B-10 medal stand welcome packet to coaching staff.
FunFact: Entire team being modeled for school Hall of Fame busts, as current 14-game skid is the best ever for Arizona.
Next Loss: Northern Arizona
3. Old North Church (0-5; UMess: lost Boston College 45-28; UConn: lost Purdue 49-0)
Mitigating Factors: Favorites for John Adams Spitoon – symbolic of Yankee B-10 dominance – have combined to lose 20 (20) straight and are first joint entry to claim coveted B-10 medal stand berth since 1953’s hilarious Taco Tuesday tag-team entry of Juarez State and Tijuana Tech…UConn also claims share of Holy Trinity Common Cup as nation’s first 0-3 team.
FunFact: B-10 electricians already fussing over patented TitleTrak Radar, as 10/9 meeting between teams expected to blow fuses left and right.
Next Loss: UMess: Eastern Michigan; UConn: at Army
4. Rice (0-2; lost to Houston 44-7)
Mitigating Factors: Once and future B-10 darlings, Owls back in natural habit – the B-10 survey – for first time since losing 20 of 21 from 2018-19…Rice off to usual strong start, already losing games by average score of 41-12…Owls 0-2 for ninth time this century and 28th time over all, with B -10 pollsters “pretty sure” that’s “like, a lot and stuff”.
FunFact: Though minefield of C-USA play remains – including games against three (3) past B-10 champions, not to mention UTEP! – Owl fan(s) cautiously optimistic about winning first ever ESPNCup.
Next Loss: at Texas
5. South Florida (0-2; lost to Florida 42-20)
Mitigating Factors: Bulls fan(s) ecstatic after returning to patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar screen after mysteriously vanishing from 2020 B-10 after Week 5 survey…Bulls doing it with defense, with unit currently ranking Dead Last in Total Defense and Rushing Defense…Offense not any good either, ranking 100th or worse in all five (5) major offensive stat categories…Current ten (10)-game skid fourth-best in country, and Bulls have also lost 13-of-14 and 19-of-24 dating back to 2018.
FunFact: Bulls fan(s) disappointed team did not get invitation to join Big 12, as application pointed out annual, easy wins made them natural “whipping boy” pick.
Next Loss: Florida A&M
6. Bowling Green (0-2; lost to South Alabama 22-19)
Mitigating Factors: Defending B-10 champions claim MAC’s automatic B-10 berth based on current ten (10)-game losing streak being best in conference…Rushing game key to B-10 glory in 2021 as Falcons showing both complete inability to run football (20.5 ypg), stop opponents from doing same (220.5 ypg).
FunFact: Falcons 3-for-3 in MAC losing streak race, as four (4)-game home and eight (8)-game conference skids also setting MAC pace.
Next Loss: Murray State
7. Navy (0-2; lost to Air Force 23-3)
Mitigating Factors: Midshipmen take helm in race to retain Sgt Bilko trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – with strong road loss to Falcons…Midshipmen hindered by pregame Navy Secretary ruling requiring team – to best honor 9/11 victims – to play entire game in first responder gear, resulting in NCAA record 9,335 penalty yards for using axes to block, tackle.
FunFact: Current eight (8)-game skid team best since eight (8)-straight losses paced 2018 campaign.
Next Loss: at Houston
8. Washington (0-2; lost to Michigan 31-10)
Mitigating Factors: Huskies back in survey, taking advantage of obscure B-10 bylaw reserving survey spot for former B-10 champion who starts season 0-2 in season that starts with loss to lower-level team from state sharing border tripoint with Alberta, Saskatchewan…Huskies offense apparently think football like golf – lowest score wins – ranking Next-To-Dead Last in Scoring Offense (8.5 ppg).
FunFact: With attendance at Michigan 108,345, B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” 10834.5-to-1.0 paid customers-to-points ratio is “like, the best this week and stuff”.
Next Loss: Arkansas State
9. Thiel College (0-2; lost to Washington & Jefferson 64-12)
Mitigating Factors: D-III Tomcats keep paws on Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 29th consecutive loss… A Lutheran school, team trainers pointing to pregame meals of hotdish, Jello mold as not providing required calories for extended effort on football field.
FunFact: Apparently one of those “academic” schools, Tomcats losing games left and right in 2021, as fall sports squads combined 0-14-3 so far.
Next Loss: at Waynesburg
Mitigating Factors: With four (4) unvictoried teams, and overall conference mark at 8-16, MAC easy pick for weekly, coveted, B-10 Conference of the Week award…Conference so bad in 2021 – even by usual MAC standards – bowl agreements being reworked to give MAC champion automatic berth in first-ever COVID-19 Bowl Presented by Red State Governors Association, to be played in ER of St David’s Hospital in Austin.
FunFact: Despite slow start, MAC officials confident ambitious goal of strong .500 conference play mark “not completely unobtainable” in 2021.
10A. UNLV (0-2; lost to Arizona State 37-10)
Mitigating Factors: Rebels another B-10 stalwart returning to patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar, not ranked at all in 2020 despite dutifully going 0-6…Though still awaiting figures from Monte Carlo State in Monaco, B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” current eight (8)-game skid the best amongst universities where Showgirl is actually a major
FunFact: With home games now played at new NFL stadium, Rebels not only tarping over seats, but considering tarping over field so embarrassment of actually playing games can be avoided.
Next Loss: Iowa State
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Eastern Michigan at UMess
MAC Thriller of the Week: Murray State at Bowling Green