The Bottom Ten
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
Next loser up.
With previously unvictoried Rice winning – albeit against a lower level school – and Florida Atlantic suffering through a bye week, the race for the Week 9 Bottom Ten medal stand was wide open. Bottom Ten pollsters have their work cut out for them, too, as nine (9) teams have lost either six (6) or five (5) straight.
The race is so tight this week, Bottom Ten staffers are preparing for the anticipated onslaught of calls for a Bottom Ten playoff, mainly by ensuring bar tabs are paid off.
This week’s mess:
- Bowling Green (1-7; lost to Miami, Ohio 40-26)
Mitigating Factors: Though not only team riding nation’s best six (6)-game skid, Falcons ascend B-10 throne by virtue of strength of schedule points for decisive loss to equally lousy MAC squad…Falcons show mettle of B-10 champions sealing loss with four (4) big second half turnovers…While inability to rush the ball key, Falcon alleged “defense” setting pace, ranking Dead Last giving up 45.1 ppg.
Some Places Have Interns For This: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Falcons can become first team from Ohio to lose four (4) consecutive bowl games in South and win B-10 title by losing out.
Next Loss: at Northern Illinois (Nov 1)
2. Rice (1-6; defeated Prairie View A&M 65-44)
Mitigating Factors: Rice ascends win column after smacking around lower level team in first basketball scrimmage of 2016… While still in running for first B-10 title – along with everyone else in C-USA, Owls fail to solidify B-10 Hall of Fame nomination with loss to program with most consecutive losses and now just another one-win teams with problems.
FunFact: Owls now 2-1 against lower level foes this century.
Next Loss: at Louisiana Tech
3. UMess (1-7; lost to South Carolina 34-28)
Mitigating Factors: UMess fan(s) up in arm(s) as Minutemen lose coveted B-10 medal stand berth despite dutiful loss to Power 5 conference team…Game not as close as score indicated, as UMess makes things interesting with a couple of fourth quarter touchdowns against some Carolina KKK Studies majors looking to inflict some damage against some Yankee bastards.
FunFact: Minutemen lose big strengths of schedule points as only win came against Florida International team that earlier won three straight.
Next Loss: Wagner
4.Kansas (1-7; lost to Oklahoma State 44-20)
Mitigating Factors: Despite cacophony surrounding C-USA and MAC teams, defending B-10 champions stem tide with routine conference home loss….Jayhawks show usual strong finishing kick, breaking open close game by getting outscored 20-0 in final 18:25…Though road to B-10 title still murky, Jayhawks assured of third Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Carry On Wayward Losers: Jayhawks getting it done in all facets, ranking Next-To-Dead-Last in Punt Returns and Turnover Margin and ranking 121st in Rushing Offense.
Next Loss: at Oklahoma
5. Fresno State (1-7; lost to Utah State 38-20)
Mitigating Factors: Despite hot six (6)-game losing streak lack of B-10 pedigree, bribe check conspire to keep Bulldogs off B-10 medal stand….Bulldogs so unaccustomed to B-10 success, current losing skid just third time ever Bulldogs have lost this many in a row…Can tie all-time school record for consecutive losses with loss Saturday.
FunFact: Bulldogs so intent on B-10 domination, athletic director fired head coach after most recent loss, citing Week 2 win over lower level school that has prevented treasured winless record.
Next Loss: Air Force
6. Earlham (0-7; lost to Hanover 54-0)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Quakers turn in best all-round performance of 2016 to retain Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in ISIS sphere of influence…Quakers have lost 30 straight…Earlham a juggernaut on both sides of the ball, getting outscored by average of 43.3-to-10.6 in 2016…Though NCAA record book does not list seasonal mark for Fewest Yards Rushing, B-10 pollsters “pretty darn sure” Quakers current average of 24.6 ypg would “rank right up there and stuff”.
Waiting In The Wings: Fellow D-IIIers Lewis and Clark College has lost 29 straight and would probably tie for Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – if they were playing ten (10) games this year instead of nine (9).
Next Loss: at Manchester
7. Buffalo (1-6; lost to Northern Illinois 44-7)
Mitigating Factors: Loss to lower level school???…Check…Multi-game losing streak???…Check…Loss to lousy one-win MAC team???…Check and double check…Bulls show they are all in for B-10 medal stand run with the type of decisive, total team effort loss that leads straight to B-10 glory…Strong start key, as four (4) first half interceptions (interceptions) lead to 17 Husky points.
FunFact: Bulls trail 7-0 before anybody needs a deodorant as special teams chips in, allowing touchdown on opening kickoff return.
Next Loss: Akron
8. Mid-America Conference
Mitigating Factors: Dogfight for coveted B-10 Conference of the Week award between MAC and C-USA continues, as MAC garners weekly award due to obscure “what the hell” provision in B-10 bylaws…Really, B-10 fans haven’t been treated to such a close Conference of the Year race since Mexican Collegiate Athletic Association’s (MCAA) La Migra Conference and Pac-8 dueled it out in 1953.
The Long And Winding Road: B-10 staffers wondering what the deal is as beloved Sun Belt Conference has yet to earn coveted Conference of the Week award in 2016, and faces prospect Sun Belt might not have team ranked in final B-10 survey.
9. Rutgers (2-6; lost to Minnesota 34-32)
Mitigating Factors: Rutgers so bad they are in running for Bill Mallory Trophy, given to worst Big Ten football team ever…Scarlet Knights so bad they rank 14th in a conference that only admits to having ten (10) teams in no less than eleven (11) official NCAA stat categories…College football’s oldest team, calculating how many times Rutgers has lost five straight beyond the scope of even this column, but first time was during 1887-88 seasons.
Bottom Line: Only wins have come against lower level team and former B-10 perennials New Mexico…Or maybe it was New Mexico State…B-10 pollsters aren’t too sure.
Next Loss: Indiana
10. Army (4-3; lost to North Texas 35-18)
Mitigating Factors: Army back in survey, having lost three (3) of last four (4) following curious 3-0 start…Actually, all three service academies have more or less lost their minds, off to a combined 13-7 start in 2016, depriving B-10 pollsters of a season’s worth of material…Despite solid start, Black Knights of Confusion still favorites for ninth straight Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness.
Ten-Hut!: Army hindered by pregame Army Secretary ruling requiring Cadets to polish opponents cleats, fluff up shoulder pads, after each play.
Next Loss: at Wake Forest
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Akron at Buffalo
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either:Kansas at Oklahoma