The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 12
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
Members of the 2008 Detroit Lions – the NFL’s only 0-16 team – are in the habit of cracking open some RC Cola when the last NFL team wins its first game in a season.
This year RC purchase is on hold as they nervously watch the train wreck that is the Cleveland Browns tear through their 2016 schedule. Sure, San Francisco, Chicago and Jacksonville are standing by should Cleveland stumble and win, but the race for the Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – is steamrolling through Cleveland.
This week’s fiasco, as the nags stagger into the far turn:
- Cleveland Browns (0-10; lost to Baltimore 28-7 ) – Browns in full post-victory mode now with 13th straight loss…0-10 start, utter lack of talent and complete front office upheaval gives Cleveland best chance at becoming first team since 2008 Detroit Lions to go 0-16 since, well, the 2016 Detroit Lions…Browns 25th NFL team to start season 0-10…Next Loss: Pittsburgh
2. San Francisco 49ers (1-8; lost to Arizona 23-20) – Offense takes center stage in this one, producing four (4) drives for negative yardage and five (5) that produced zero (0) first downs…Current eight (8) game skid best since iconic 1979 squad’s nine (9)-gamere…Next Loss: New England
3. Chicago Bears (2-7; lost to Tampa Bay 36-10) – Bears never in this one, either, as offense produces interception returned for touchdown and a safety. while defense chips three (3) drives of 50 (5) or more yards..While Bears lack attention-grabbing losing streak, Oct 16 loss to Jaguars gives Midgets of Midway nod for final, coveted B-10 medal stand berth. …Next Loss: at New York Giants
4. Jacksonville Jaquars (2-7; lost to Houston 24-21) – Jaguars back on track with fourth straight loss, but Jaguar fan(s) already wondering what might have been following October’s curious two (2)-game win skid…Owner Ghengis Khan so angry at drop from B-10 medal stand he has ordered ISIS inspired orange jump suits for postseason beheadings of B-10 staff if Jaguars do not win B-10 title…Next Loss: at Detroit
5. AFC West (25-13) – With four (4) teams – none of them the Chargers – tied for first with seven (7) wins, noted NFL division earns first Pete Rozelle Award – issued league’s worst division – for first time…B-10 pollsters cite obscure – is there any other kind? – allowing Pete Rozelle Award to be given to division with three (3) seven (7)-win teams if the last place team recently had a new stadium referendum rejected at last election and will probably be returning to Los Angeles in 2017.
6. Cincinnati Bengals (3-5-1; lost to New York Giants 21-20) – Former B-10 stalwarts back in survey following close, prime time TV loss…Defense opens fourth quarter by allowing go-ahead touchdown and offense closes it out, finishing strong with interception, two (2) punts…B-10 pollsters sill working out how tie will effect B-10 medal stand chances, but have sent Bengals strongly worded memo to “like, not do it again or anything”…Next Loss: Buffalo
7. New York Jets (3-7; lost to Los Angeles 9-6) – Jets head into crucial bye week with inspired, dull loss…Jets a long shot for B-10 medal stand, and will use bye week for soul searching to see if they have what it takes to lose out…Key will not be looking ahead to Dec 11 showdown with San Francisco…Next Loss: New England (Nov 27)
8. Los Angeles Rams at New York Jets – Strong contender for B-10 Game of the Year honors…With 18 of 22 drives ending in some sort of kick, game would have bored even the British…15 punts, three (3) field goals thrill have Los Angeles fans wondering if being out of the NFL was so bad after all…Teams combine for eleven (11) penalties and 55 rushing yards, tho due to last call commitments, B-10 pollsters unwilling to reckon Penalty-Yards-To-Rushing-Yards ratio…Next Loss: test
9. NFL Anthem Protests – Hey Mike Evans, you wanna protest our country by sitting during the national anthem???…Fabulous…I’ served to protect your right to do this…Knock yourself out…But Jesus H, show some sack and don’t apologize for it and please protest the entire season…Hell, you can bring a BarcaLounger out there and recline for all I care…Next Loss: All our First Amendment rights.
10. Donald Trump – President-elect gets destruction of America off to flying start by naming a senior strategist who gets rave reviews from KKK imperial wizard… …Next Loss: Mandatory book, cross burnings.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Jacksonville at Detroit
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Cincinnati at Buffalo