The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 3
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
And they’re off!!!
With 16 teams already with losing records, the competition for the most coveted trophy in all of sports – the Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – as off to its most competitive start in recent memory.
There are so many lousy teams in 2016 that Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere are already starting to drool over the possibilities and all eyes will be on Detroit this week as the Titans, in their quest for a Bottom Ten three-peat, pay a courtesy call on the Lions, the only 0-16 team in NFL history.
This week’s fiasco, as the nags limp out of the starting gate:
- Tennessee Titans (0-1; lost to Minnesota 25-16) – Titans already in midseason form, blowing leads, turning the ball over and still unable to rush the football like you would expect of two (2)-time defending B-10 champion…Current five (5) game skid tied for best in NFL…Next Loss: at Detroit
2. Cleveland Browns (0-1; lost to Philadelphia 29-10) – Browns all in in quest for first B-10 title, losing starting QB before anybody needed a deodorant…Entire country already looking for something else to do on Nov. 10, when Browns make only prime time TV appearance…Next Loss: Baltimore
3. San Diego Chargers (0-1; lost to Kansas City 33-27 OT) – Nobody really doubted Chargers’ ability to lose close road games, but blowing 24-10, fourth quarter lead delivers Chargers directly to B-10 medal stand…Chargers must take one game at a time, and not get caught looking ahead to games against Tennessee and Cleveland…Or Jacksonville …Next Loss: Jacksonville
4. Dallas Cowboys (0-1; lost to New York Giants 20-19) – Showing competitive greatness of B-10 champion, Cowboys out-gain and out-first down the Giants, but still manage to lose when receiver isn’t smart enough to run out of bounds on last play…Current five (5) game skid tied for best in NFL…Next Loss: at Washington
5. Chicago Bears (0-1; lost to Houston 23-14) – Strong second half key, as Bears toss interception on first drive beforevreally throwing in towel and punting on next five (5) possessions…Though only Week 1, it is already plain Bears will go as far as complete lack of running game takes them…Next Loss: Philadelphia
6. Chicago Cubs (92-52; lost to St Louis 4-2) – Cubs continue march to first World Series title since 1908, which was 108 years ago, which is a very long time…Should have NL Central clinched by this time next week…Only NFL game this week where all scoring came on safeties…Next Loss: 2017…Good luck repeating
7. Los Angeles Rams (0-1; lost to San Francisco 28-0) – No wonder Rams wanted to hightail it out of St Louis, as they knew folks with good Midwest common sense would never pay to watch this crap…Hilarious joke about Los Angeles Rams still not having scored a point since mid-1990’s – thought up by us last week – already in general circulation B-10 deadline…Next Loss: Seattle
8. AFC South (1-3) – Defending Pete Rozelle Award winner – issued to NFL’s worst division – wins Week 1 Marv Levy Broach, symbolic of AFC’s worst division…Gets nod over equally 1-3 AFC East just because…Next Loss: Automatic entry into AFC playoffs, as league looks to get winner automatic berth in Sun Belt Conference title game.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1; lost to Green Bay 27-23) – Despite owner hell bent on winning, Jaguars 0-1 for fifth straight season…Great opportunity for loss this week, as it isn’t easy to cross country and win in NFL, especially when you suck…Next Loss: at San Diego
10. NFC South (1-3) – All set to give AFC South run for its money in race for Pete Rozelle Award, NFC South takes first Ray Malavasi Pin – issued to NFC’s worst division – of 2016…Three (3) losses by a total of nine (9) points, showing division bottom-dwellers can lose close ones…Next Loss: Insert usual joke about division champion earning berth in small college football playoffs here.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Tennessee at Detroit
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Jacksonville at San Diego
By gaylonkent September 15, 2016 - 15:18
It ain’t all that difficult to confuse the pollsters, Steve…Be careful…
By Green Bay Steve September 14, 2016 - 21:18
Exactly! 16 pro teams with losing records. Now I am not trying to confuse the pollsters, but they failed to point out is that there are another 16 teams just one game “behind” them. We are “fairly certain” this will be the only time this happens during the 2016 season.
Seriously though, it is great to see the pollsters back in action.