The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 7
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It was steady as she goes in the Bottom Ten this week, as there was no change in the top five teams, with Bottom Tem pollsters “pretty sure” this is the first time in “like, quite a while and stuff” the Top 5 has remained unchanged.
All eyes are on Division III Earlham this week, as the two-time defending holders of the Continental Cup – issued to team with the longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA’s sphere-of-influence – can tie the all-time Division III record this week with their 50th consecutive loss.
This week’s mess:
1. UTEP (0-6; lost to North Texas 27-24)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 pollsters searching bylaws to see if they can just cut-and-paste last week’s entry as Miners humming on all cylinders in quest for second straight B-10 title…Current 18-game skid still nation’s best…To combat complacency during upcoming bye week, UTEP staff to keep inspirational movie Rudy on continuous loop in weight rooms.
FunFact: Team so bad official athletic website now focusing on accomplishments of chick tennis, soccer teams even though they’re a combined 9-21-1.
Next Loss: at Louisiana Tech (10/20)
2. Nebraska (0-5; lost to Wisconsin 41-24)
Mitigating Factors: Huskers retain B-10 runner-up spot with now-usual, convincing road loss…Special teams doing its part, averaging 20.5 inches per punt return leading for calls for B-10 pollsters to trot out traditional line about basketball team contributing tallest player who can just fall down and get longer returns…Entire team showing mastery of fundamentals averaging ten (10) penalties per game.
FunFact: Husker administrators now regretting decision to join Big Ten conference instead of accepting invite to join Conference-USA, where they might actually have been able to win some games.
Next Loss: at Northwestern
3. Rice (1-5; lost to UT-San Antonio 20-3)
Mitigating Factors: Owls retain coveted spot on B-10 medal stand as B-10 pollsters continue to follow B-10 bylaws by not penalizing otherwise lousy teams for beating lower level squads…Offense shows way, punting or turning ball over on first eight (8) possessions before mustering field goal on last drive…Current five (5)-game best since 2017’s ten (10)-game skid.
FunFact: With opening week loss, Owls still in prime position for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: UAB
4. San Jose State (0-5; lost to Colorado State 42-30)
Mitigating Factors: Spartans surprise hell out of everyone by squandering 28-0 deficit with 30 unanswered points…Total Team Effort (TTE) saves day, as defense stems tide, allowing 83-yard touchdown drive which offense follows up with interception returned for touchdown…Complete inability to run football key, as Spartans rank Dead Last in Rushing Offense (53.2 ypg).
FunFact: Spartans 0-5 for third time ever and first time since 2001
Next Loss: Army
5. UCLA (0-5; lost to Washington 31-24)
Mitigating Factors: Bruins petitioning NCAA for moral victory designation seeing as team didn’t completely get their tails kicked this week…Bruins 0-5 for just third time ever, chasing 1943, 1940 squads 0-7 starts…Bruins actually lead nation by scoring on every trip to red zone, though team’s eleven (11) sashays into red zone rank Next-To-Next-To-Next-To Dead Last in Trips Into Red Zone.
FunFact: Bruins a statistical juggernaut, ranking 100th or worse in no less than 13 official NCAA stat categories, including Dead Last in something called 3rd Down Conversion Percentage Defense (.538)…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this means Bruins blow 3rd down defensive coverage more than half the time.
Next Loss: at Cal
6. Texas State (1-4; lost to UL-Lafayette 42-27)
Mitigating Factors: No strangers to B-10 glory having lost 22 of 25, though Bobcats making first appearance of 2018…Bobcats never in this one, breaking out to 28-0, 35-13 deficits before cruising to satisfying, blowout loss…Though minefield of Sun Belt Conference play remains, Bobcats another team that could contend for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters still working their slide rules, but remain “pretty sure” Bobcats entitled to big strength of schedule points as only win came against I-AA squad whose only win came against Division II school.
Next Loss: Georgia Southern (10/11)
7. Louisiana-Famous Dead Person (4-7; UL-Monroe: lost to Ole Miss 70-21; 42-27; UL-Lafayette: defeated Texas State 42-27 )
Mitigating Factors: Hilarious joint entry makes first appearance since Week 5 2017 survey…B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” neither team could stop keep team of sick nuns out of end zone, with UL-M and UL-L juggernaut combining to give up 39.9 ppg…UL-M has lost four (4) straight, while UL-L’s win over lousy Texas State snapped their own three (3)-game skid.
FunFact: 11/24 rivalry game will, as usual, be for Billy Cannon Certificate – symbolic of Cajun football lousiness – and berth in B-10 Southern Regional.
Next Losses: UL-M: at Coastal Carolina; UL-L: New Mexico State
8. Earlham (0-6; lost to Hanover 83-17)
Mitigating Factors: Quakers retain Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 49th straight loss…History books ready to receive Quakers, who can tie Macalester’s all-time Division III mark with 50th consecutive loss this Saturday…Quakers get off to uncharacteristically slow start, only trailing 2-0 after five minutes…83 points allowed propels Quakers from 244th in D-III Scoring Defense (51.6 ppg) to Dead Last (56.2)
FunFact: Confetti???…Check…Power bill paid so lights work for night game???…Check…Extra chairs installed near south corn dog station to handle overflow crowd???…Check…All systems go for record-tying 50th consecutive loss post-game celebration.
Next Loss: Anderson
9. Conference USA
Mitigating Factors: With MAC refusing to produce winless team, C-USA (still) easy pick for weekly, coveted B-10 Conference of the Week award thanks to occupying two-thirds of current B-10 medal stand…With ten (10) of fourteen (14) – and counting – conference teams having past B-10 appearances, C-USA making big pitch for B-10 Conference of the Decade honors.
FunFact: Conference recovering from lousy 24-39 non-conference play mark to produce strong .500 record in conference play.
10. Navy (2-3; lost to Air Force 35-7)
Mitigating Factors: Navy torpedoes way to forefront in race for Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – with blowout loss to future thermostat operators…Midshipmen hampered by pregame Navy Secretary directive requiring players to take naps, watch stag movies during plays to better prepare for future submarine duty.
FunFact: With current two (2)-game skid and 13 games scheduled, Middies still with outside shot for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: Temple
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New Mexico State at UL-Lafayette
History’s Game: Earlham at Anderson
Lousy Intersectional Game Played In NFL Stadium: Army at San Jose State
Plenty of Seats Still Available: Army at San Jose State
Up Next on ESPN 7,234-41 Inclusive: Entire Sun Belt Conference schedule