The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 7
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Oh, the humanity.
Oh, the Jets. Oh, the Bengals. Oh, the Redskins.
Oh the Dolphins, if they had played.
The race for the most coveted trophy in sports – The Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – is ON! All caps, in italics, with an exclamation point, as a full one-quarter of the league has one or fewer victories with Bottom Ten pollster bar tabs working overtime to separate the very worst from the very bad.
This week’s mess, as the nags navigate the clubhouse turn:
1. New York Jets (0-4; lost to Philadelphia 31-6) – With the Dolphins off, Jets ascend B-10 throne for the week with blowout loss…Offense in rare form, even for Jets, with ten (10) sacks and two (2) turnovers returned for touchdowns…Next Loss: Dallas
2. Cincinnati Bengals (0-5; lost to Arizona 26-23) – Bengals stay on course with type of disastrous home loss that leads straight to B-10 glory…With Bengals scheduled to play in London later this month, Queen Elizabeth rumoured to be scouring Treaty of Ghent to see if game be passed off on Kenya or some other Commonwealth country…Next Loss: at Baltimore
3. Washington Redskins (0-5; lost to New England 33-7) – Redskin owner Daniel Snyder so hell-bent on first B-10 title he fires head coach for not being 0-7 after five (5) games…Big showdown against Dolphins this week will show if Redskins are contenders or pretenders for B-10 throne…Next Loss: at Miami
4. Atlanta Falcons (1-4; lost to Houston 53-32) – Falcons blow three (3) leads soaring to closest point of approach to B-10 medal stand in 2019 with third straight loss….Falcons take Week 7 B-10 Pollsters Pin award, issued to NFL’s worst team with at least one (1) win….Next Loss: At Arizona
5. Arizona Cardinals (1-3-1; defeated Cincinnati 26-23) – Though not quite as bad as Bengals – who is??? – Cardinals still reap strength-of-schedule points for close road win against winless Bengals…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” they still have no idea how tie game will factor into final rankings…Next Loss: Atlanta
6. NFL – Though average number of sexual assaults up league wide, officiating still inconsistent, atrocious, on-field action so bad so far in 2019 four (4) teams still unvictoried while ten (10) others have won only one (1) or two (2) games.
7. AFC East – As only division with two (2) unvictoried teams, AFC East easy pick for weekly, coveted Pete Rozelle Award – issued to NFL’s worst division…Division does lose some luster due to presence of currently undefeated defending Super Bowl champions, but B-10 Conference of the Year award theirs to lose – literally.
8. Dallas Cowboys (3-2; lost to Green Bay 34-24) – B-10 pollsters take advantage of obscure B-10 bylaw – is there any other kind??? – to rank evil Cowboys anytime they’ve lost two (2) straight…Cowboys set strong early tone with two (2) first-half interceptions, 24-0 deficit…Next Loss: at New York Jets
9. Cleveland Browns (2-3; lost to San Francisco 31-3) – Old habits die hard for once and probably future B-10 stalwarts, as inspired road blowout loss gives fan(s) hope for another B-10 title run…Browns show token second quarter interest by actually scoring, but fate sealed with nine (9) first downs, 78 (78) passing yards…Next Loss: Seattle
10. Los Angeles Chargers (2-3; lost to Denver 20-13) – Chargers squarely on B-10 radar after snapping Broncos league-best eight (8) game skid…Team sinking so fast B-10 pollsters thinking about dusting off classic “StubHub Center spokesman assures LA football fans tarps will be taken off seats in time for next month’s high school football playoffs” line…Next Loss: Pittsburgh
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Washington at Miami
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Atlanta at Arizona
Paging Spero Dedes…Paging Spero Dedes: Cincinnati at Baltimore