The Diary of a Nobody – Sunday April 8, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, April 8
Boy, the cat was really crying for her canned yummies before I was even in the door this morning…It was as if she’d never eaten before and I could hear her on the porch before I even opened the kitchen door because both The Wife and I had forgotten to issue the cat her nightly ration of canned yummies before both of us scooted out the door (recall she is housesitting in town) Saturday night…The cat was so pissed about the entire matter she knocked over the trash can in the kitchen, the usual sign we had been derelict in our duties…Recall she usually gets yummies at night, but mainly so she wouldn’t kill me when I slept, I immediately authorized a morning ration.

Got some solid Aisle 5 time tonight at the retailer…Back when I was a cashier I loved working Aisle 5 for some reason but I don’t work it too much now that I’m at the service desk but there we had few cashiers tonight but service desk clerks out the wazoo, so I spent virtually all my four hours shift there.

Had a decent bachelor purchase!!!…A guy in his 30’s come up with a box of Cheez-Itz, a couple of packages of the cheapest hot dogs we had and the obligatory packages of 88-cent buns because you can’t eat hot dogs with your bare hands…He also had a couple of boxes of shells and cheese, the leading national brand, too, which was heartening to see because there’s a big difference between the leading national brand and the house brand and it is worth it to fork over the extra buck or two…Plus it’s good for morale, knowing you’ve earned enough the past couple of weeks to get the good stuff…Long-time bachelors know cheap hot dogs are OK, but not cheap mac and cheese, unless you’re really broke.

Right as I reported for duty this punk kid struts up and announces he left his $20 cash back in one of the self-checkout registers…He said it just happened – like 15 seconds ago – so it was unlikely there was time for another customer to use the machine and his implication was one of the thieves masquerading as employees here had to have taken it…He shrugs his shoulders flippantly gives me this smarmy, privileged smile indicating I was put on this earth to make this right…I would have loved to have smacked him, but I turned it over to my supervisor, Sir Thomas…He went and checked the machine to make sure it hadn’t jammed and when it hadn’t all there was to do was tell the kid to take better care of his money because there was nothing we could do for him…We gave the kid credit for realizing a lost cause when he saw one…He turned and left, though he wasn’t happy and Sir Thomas and I both suspected he took his $20 and was trying to scam another $20, tho he didn’t care enough to go check video coverage.

Sergio is a pretty funny kid who is a stocker and I was walking past the lower level break room when I heard him talking about the Marine Corps as if he’d been it…So I sashay into the break room and ask and he said yes and I said I was in the Navy and we gave each other some shit because that’s what sailors and Marines do…Then I asked him if that earring he was wearing was issued by Chesty Puller – legendary Marine – and he said yes and invited me to perform a physical impossibility on myself.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 9:30 Sunday morning to the 3:30 Sunday afternoon alarm…Six solid hours, not even waking up to use the can…I am still not completely caught up, but I will take care of that tomorrow…Again, the going to sleep time is reckoned based on the time I stop reading and turn off the light and en educated guess on how long it takes me to get to sleep…Maybe I should get one of those FitBits The Wife has…It tells her to the minute how long she slept…I’m not entirely sure how it knows when The Wife starts sleeping…Maybe it can hear when she starts snoring.

Last week total was 40 hours over six sleep sessions, 6.66666666 hours per session, a bit less than we’re looking for frankly, but now we have a base figure to work from…I know you appreciate that as much as I do.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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