The Sunday Bottom Ten #11 – April 8, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Read it and weep.
It’s the first ever Sunday Bottom Ten Almost Quarterly Best Of Column! The best entries from each of the preceding ten (10) weeks are featured. Entries are listed chronologically and the numbers preceding the entry is their position in that week’s survey.
All of today’s laureates will advance to the Sunday Bottom Ten Regionals later this year.
This week’s mess:
Mitigating Factors: Casino tycoon Steve Wynn the latest to put head on chopping block and it turns out Garrison Keillor, of all people, couldn’t keep his hands to himself, either…While mindful of Mother Nature’s persistent, compelling mandate to conquer and reproduce, us men must do better.
The Hard Question: Would we like to be sexually harassed at work???…Well, actually, some of us would, but women deserve better than we’ve been giving them.
10. The American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: One year of the Trump Administration in the books, three more to go…We’ve made thus far without nuclear war or complete anarchy, so if we can survive one we can probably survive three…As Speaker of the House heralds $1.50 weekly raise thanks to GOP’s heroic tax cuts, we must realize that status quo will eventually destroy our country.
FunFact: The Bush/Obama/Trump triumvirate is the three worst consecutive presidents this nation has had…None have done anything to address our perpetual wars or our crushing debt two elements that if left unchecked will destroy our country before this half-century is out.
Mitigating Factors: Sunday B-10 pollsters dismayed when obliged to use self-serve kiosk to order recent breakfast…It wasn’t particularly difficult, but snarky girl barking instructions – who has some zero clue it’s her job the machine will ultimately take – didn’t help, either…New 21st century process only took two (2) minutes longer than old-fashioned give-order-to-cashier method.
You Deserve A Kiosk Today: Sunday B-10 pollsters also got shorts in a knot over value menu change affecting prices of treasured McMuffins, biscuits (no egg)…Attempt to call in air strikes failed as Sunday B-10 air wing had day off.
3. Florida Prostitution Sting
Mitigating Factors: A few days before 17 people are slaughtered down I -75, Naples, Florida police snag evil judge, pastor, actor, other community pillars in prostitution sting…Judge has since retired, though status of pastor, actor, others not known…Chick cop posing as whore pricing sex acts to move, issuing quotes ranging from $150 to $300.
FunFact: Psychos are posting videos about how armed and dangerous they are but Florida law enforcement focused on men trying to get some…While mindful that most prostitutes have had lousy, usually violent lives, can we ask 1) who the victim here is and, 2) don’t Florida police have better things to do?
5. Online Pharmaceutical Adverts
Mitigating Factors: Sunday B-10 pollsters too cheap to pay for ad-free youtube experience obliged to watch stereotypical, rather serious actors try to sell them potions for Type II diabetes, Crohn’s Disease, neither of which they have, plan on getting…Pollsters would also like to point out they don’t habla Espanol, either.
“If Death Persists, See Your Doctor.”: With side effect warnings like lowered immune system effectiveness, cancer risks and open sores now taking up two-thirds of some ads, Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” day is coming when actual death is side effect.
Mitigating Factors: With fewer and fewer cities interested in hosting Games, perhaps time has come to hold events in same cities every four years…This would obviate single city from building velodromes, natatoriums they’ll never use again and events can be held where there are strong interest, deep historical ties…A similar model can be used for Winter Games.
FunFact: The Opening Ceremonies, as well as some ancient events, can be in Athens, track in London, basketball in America, soccer in South America, et al…When it’s all over the world can gather in Los Angeles for baseball gold medal game, marathon, Closing Ceremonies.
7. International Women’s Day
Mitigating Factors: First IWD of #MeToo era sees women basking in glow that 110 years after first IWD #MeToo exposes still necessary…Hollywood producers, still reeling from Weinstein scandal, vow to do more for women, agreeing to exchange casting couch for hotel suite, more nude scenes for babes…President Trump celebrates occasion with light second base action for female staffers.
#PressForProgress: Don’t worry guys, March 9 to March 7 are still International Days of Guys
Mitigating Factors: NCAA tournament starts with almost 20 percent of field involved in current bribery scandal make picking bracket almost as repulsive as picking bracket of particularly virulent strains of the clap…Per protocol, players responsible for upsets, heart-stopping finishes receiving $0.00 of billion dollars NCAA will bring in this year.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: We say this every week: the NCAA, whose daily clinics in being pimp and whore at the same time inspire Congress, IOC, should just go away…Major division college athletics is such a cesspool the only to clean it up is to start over with someone else.
3. The American Media
Mitigating Factors: Another American institution that, like the NCAA, needs a do-over…A real media would have Donald Trump out of GOP race before the primaries began…They’re still continuing to play along, too, acting as if Trump were a real president with a real vision for our country…Which he’s not…He is merely a blatherskite whose main concern is doing whatever it takes to draw attention to himself.
FunFact: Our press corps long ago exchanged clicks and ratings for any real substance, but like our fractured government, America continues to tolerate it.
7. Racism In America
Mitigating Factors: With blistering police shooting unarmed black men numbers, America still setting worldwide racism pace…With 50th anniversary of MLK assassination coming up, Associated Press poll shows blacks still believe they are getting raw deal in America, while most whites think everything is hunky-dory.
FunFact: Concurrent KKK poll shows 100 percent of grand wizards agree America not quite as racist as it could be, vowing to step up voter suppression, cross burning efforts.
Thought for the Week: If we did the things we were capable of, we would astound ourselves. – Thomas Edison
The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.