The Daily Dose/May 17, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was. 

1. COVID-19 – Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters harkening back to good old days when America would have provided a timely and competent response to coronavirus and the world looked to it for leadership…Those days are gone, of course, as country currently reaping benefits of having president who’s a lying sexual predator who believes the moon is part of Mars…Current death rates are 0.0000401% for planet, 0.000272% for US, 0.000000294% for Taiwan. 

2. College Football – Sure, the NCAA canceled their basketball tournaments, but do you really think the good ol’ boys in the SEC are going to let some silly virus interrupt the 2020 season???…Come on, there’s money to be made and blacks to pretend they like…They may not actually play, but Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” they’re going to try to. 

3. Puerto Rico – Zany islanders to hold non-binding vote on whether to level up from territorial status to the wonders of full US statehood…Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters remain “pretty sure” they have “like, some zero clue and stuff” why any jurisdiction would want to be any more involved with US than they have to be and suggest joining British Commonwealth. 

4. Fake News – Where’s John Chancellor and Walter Cronkite when you need them???…Heck, where’s SCTV’s Floyd Robertson and Earl Camembert???…Click here for stories people were actually believing this week. 

5. President Trump Fact Check – Standard 5-hole staple, click here for exciting latest falsehoods from planet’s Liar-in-Chief.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

Par for the Sunday course, The Diary of a Nobody if free to read today. Enjoy. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow gets the griddle out and makes some pancakes. Today’s Diary.  

Grandpa always made hotcakes with crispy edges growing up and I still like them that way…(Pa Sparrow made them with normal edges…He grew up during the Depression and didn’t like to waste things and that included cooking oil.)…I’ll tell you what, yours truly had enuff oil on the griddle to fry chicken…It was wonderful…

Click here get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1792 – What would become the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) is formed when 24 brokers sign the Buttonwood Agreement in front of what is now 68 Wall Street in New York City. Previously securities, as well as commodities, had been sold by auctioneers and the agreement bound the 24 signatories to trade only with each other and also limited commissions. Currently, the NYSE has 2,400 listings and its companies have a market capitalization of $30.1 trillion. The agreement gets its name from the buttonwood tree the agreement was supposedly signed under, though some believe this is a legend. 

In 1968 – Frank Howard of the Washington Senators establishes a new major league record for most home runs in five consecutive games in 7-3 loss to the Detroit Tigers. Howard had a two-run home run in the top of the ninth inning, his eighth home run in the last five games and Howard would tie this record with two home runs the following day. Barry Bonds also tied this record, twice, in 2001 and Howard’s ten home runs in six games remains a major league record. 

In 1986 – Whitney Houston is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the first of three consecutive weeks with The Greatest Love of All. The song also went to #1 in Ireland, Canada and Australia and the following week peaked at #3 on Billboard’s soul chart and was Billboard’s eleventh biggest song of the year. In 1977 George Benson had charted with the song, peaking at #24 on the Hot 100 and at #2 on the soul chart. It was Houston’s third of a Hot 100 record seven consecutive #1 songs, a record that still stands. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

I have said to myself a thousand times that I should be happy if I were but as ignorant as my old neighbor; and yet it is a happiness which I do not desire. – Voltaire, The Good Brahmin

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Elvis’ smallest hit on the Hot 100 was Where Do You Come From, which spent one week at #99 in 1962. It was the flip side to Return to Sender, which peaked at #2. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What song snapped Whitney Houston’s record of seven consecutive #1 songs? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/May 16, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.

PLAY BALL…MAYBE: Like other elements of American life, major league baseball is making the first tentative, probably futile, plans to return. They would like to play an 82-game schedule beginning in July and among the obstacles to be overcome is how players are going to be paid because it is anticipated games will be played in empty stadiums, without the accompanying ticket, parking and concession revenue. MLB has proposed a 50/50 revenue split while players are on record as wanting their full salaries, on a prorated basis. 

“Bro, Y’All Got To Understand…” Some players are more outspoken than others. Blake Snell, a not particularly bright pitcher for the Tampa Bay Rays and the 2018 American League Cy Young Award winner, is on record as saying: 

I’m not playing until I get mine. 

All right, fair enough. He overcame tremendous odds to make it to the very top in a sport that also happens to be a very profitable business. I think Snell went a little overboard when he said he was risking his life, but he’s right: he paid the price, he should get the reward. You make the big leagues you are entitled to cash in. 

Dry, Technical Matter: But good gravy, though, could he have sounded any more like an ungrateful, ignorant snot? 

We’ll Field This One: No, he couldn’t. He sounds like a petulant child, actually, and could have sounded a bit more gracious for earning a living most can only dream about, but we agree with him. We won’t be burdened with this choice, but we wouldn’t play unless we were getting our full, prorated salaries. We play half a season, we get half a year’s pay. Players, after all, don’t get bonuses when there’s a spike in revenues, they shouldn’t take it in the shorts when revenues fall. 

The Bottom Line: Historically, we are lousy prognosticators here at The Daily Dose, but this is likely to get ugly and the players have a long history of being united. Don’t bet against the season not being played over this. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has news from the kitchen. Today’s Diary.   

I did remember to use the new purified water for coffee this morning and I could tell the difference so the purifier was a good investment…Also, I enjoyed morning coffee in one of the new coffee mugs and because I am keeping track, I know this is the last of the new dinnerware that’s been used…Well, except for the salad plates…I haven’t a salad yet, much less four of them, and these might not receive their first test drives for a while…The dinner plates, bowls and coffee cups, tho, all of those have broken their maiden here at The Shire and have been cleared for regular use. 

Click here get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1866 – The United States Congress authorizes the minting of a new five-cent piece, now commonly known as the nickel. It wasn’t the first five-cent piece produced by the United States, but it was the first made of copper-nickel. It had a shield on the obverse side and the number 5 surrounded by stars on the reverse side. The first US five-cent piece was known as the half-dime and was first struck in 1792, Today, a nickel costs about 9 cents to produce. 

In 1980 – The Los Angeles Lakers win their seventh NBA title, defeating the Philadelphia 76ers 123-107 in Game 6 of the Finals. Magic Johnson, playing center for the injured Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, had 42 points, 15 rebounds and seven assists. Johnson’s 42 points remain an NBA Finals rookie record and his 14-14 performance from the free-throw line was a record until broken by Terry Porter of Portland (15-15, 1990) and is now held by Kawhi Leonard (16-16, 2019).  It was the Lakers’ first NBA title since 1972. 

In 1960 – Elvis is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the fourth and final week with Stuck on You. It was Elvis’ first chart single after a two-year stint in the Army was his 13th of 18 #1 songs. The song also went to #1 in the Netherlands, Canada and Australia and peaked at #3 in Great Britain. It peaked at #6 on Billboard’s country and soul charts and was Billboard’s ninth biggest song of the year. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Too often, the way taken is the wrong way, with too much emphasis on what we want to have rather than what we wish to become. – Louis L’Amour, Education of a Wandering Man

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

President Kennedy’s “We choose to go to the moon” speech was delivered at Rice Stadium on the campus of Rice University.  

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What Elvis’ smallest hit on the Billboard Hot 100? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/May 15, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.

Leading Off is taking some PTO.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow installs a water purifier on the kitchen faucet. It takes longer than it should. Today’s Diary.  

That’s OK because the instructions also advised that it is entirely possible you might not need an adapter, so I started screwing it on directly and while it appeared to fit, I couldn’t get the threads to connect…I was screwing the right way, too: righty tighty, lefty loosey and for those that weren’t familiar with this concept, there were arrows on the cap showing the proper direction…Nothing…I kept on trying and more nothing, obliging yours truly to go tactical and resort to the tried and true Sparrow habit of stepping back and staring at it crossly with my hands on my hips…This worked…I didn’t even have to swear, it complied and soon enuff it was attached and, after letting it run for five minutes producing purified water.

Click here get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1963 – Mercury-Atlas 9, piloted by Gordon Cooper, lifts off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. During the 34-hour mission, Cooper conducted assorted experiments during his 22 orbits and towards the end of the mission sent back the first TV pictures from space. Cooper, then a US Air Force colonel, had first joined the service in 1945, enlisting in the Marine Corps and had initially been commissioned into the Army. He was the first American to spend more than one day in space and remains the last American to go into space alone. 

In 1919 – The Cincinnati Reds establish a new major league record for most runs scored in the 13th inning in a 10-0 victory over the Brooklyn Robins, now, the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Reds got ten runs and eight hits in the inning and were helped by two walks by pitcher Al Mamaux, who also committed one of the Robins’ three errors, resulting in only one earned run. The record still stands and remains tied for the National League mark for most runs in any extra inning. Research into whose record the Reds broke was inconclusive. 

In 1961 – Faron Young is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot C&W Sides chart – for the second of nine consecutive weeks with Hello Walls. It was the fourth of five #1 country songs for Young and the 16th of 35 Top 10 hits in a chart career that spanned from 1952 through 1988. The song spent 23 weeks on the country chart, including 18 weeks in the Top 10 and also peaked at #12 on the Hot 100 and remains Young’s only Top 40 pop hit. The song was written by Willie Nelson.

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

We choose to go to the moon in this decade, and do other things, not because they are easy but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills. – John F Kennedy, 9/12/62

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Chicago was originally awarded the 1904 Olympics. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Where was President Kennedy’s “We choose to go to the moon” speech of September 9, 1962 delivered? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/May 14, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience. 

GAYLON FOR US SENATE…VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN: I’ve long said the biggest issue facing our country is peace. America has been at war daily for over 30 years and anyone who believes perpetual war will lead to peace and prosperity is deluding themselves. The only dividend war provides is more war.

Fly In The Ointment: We’re not so sure anymore, though. Right now the biggest issue facing America is leadership: we need some. We’re on record here as saying America hasn’t been led since Kennedy said let’s go to the moon (Ford remains an exception) but any previous president could have provided better leadership than we are currently getting.

Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: Our president is a lying sexual predator who believes the moon is part of Mars and we are reaping that harvest right now. Today America is irrelevant, at the midway point between the influence we once had and the oblivion we are destined for.

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: Now, we’re not doctors and Lord knows we’ve never played one on TV, but had America provided a timely and competent response to the coronavirus, we believe there would have been a fraction of the deaths and we wouldn’t be locked down right now.

Quote That Sucker: The Washington Post said it brilliantly:

As the house burns, Mr. Trump is standing on the front lawn, boasting of success, denying responsibility, ordering others to grab the garden hose and promising that everything will be back to normal soon.

USA! USA! And we’re taking it! There is no serious opposition to this either in the GOP or the media. No one is calling an orange an orange. Even Vice President Mike Pence, no dummy and the one person Trump can’t fire, has fallen into line. Incompetence is now accepted as the new Trump reality.

The Bottom Line: Friends, the new Trump reality is destroying our country. We deserve a flourishing America. We deserve better than we have now, but we are not going to have it until we demand on Election Day. It’s up to us take charge. We’ll see you at the ballot box.

Editor’s Note: Gaylon is a candidate for the Colorado Libertarian Party’s US Senate nomination. The primary is June 30. Click here to get in on the magic.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow is back on the virtual campaign trail. Today’s Diary. 

Except for my face made for radio, the videos aren’t turning out too bad…Brylcreem has tamed my awful haircut and the beard looks pretty good, too…The tripod I bought remains key…I put the iPhone in the holder and put the camera lens next to the computer monitor and I use the narrowest width on the online teleprompter, so I am looking directly into the camera the whole time and good luck telling that I am controlling the speed of the teleprompter with the arrow buttons on the keyboard with my right hand. 

Click here get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1848 – Israel announces its independence, to begin when what History refers to as the British Mandate expires at midnight. Israel was immediately welcomed to the neighborhood by an attack from her Arab neighbors and the Arab-Israeli War began the following day and would end in an Israeli victory nine months later. Borders were not specified in the declaration and today three of their five borders remain disputed. 

In 1904 – The St Louis Summer Olympics are opened, though the actual competition was held from July 1 – November 23. Like the Paris Summer Games in 1900, the St Louis Games were held almost as an afterthought to a World’s Fair. 645 men and six women from only twelve countries competed and 526 of the athletes were from the US. They were the first Olympics held in the United States and the first to award gold, silver and bronze medals. Previously, silver and copper medals or cups and trophies had been awarded. 

In 1977 – Leo Sayer is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the only week with When I Need You. The song spent seven weeks in the Top 10 and 14 weeks in the Top 40. It was the second consecutive and final #1 song for Sayer (You Make Me Feel Like Dancing, 1976) and was his third of eight Top 40 hits. The song also went to #1 in Canada, Ireland and Great Britain and peaked at #94 on Billboard’s soul chart. When I Need You was written by Albert Hammond and Carole Bayer Sager. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

…our countrymen have all the folly of an ass and all the passiveness of a sheep. They are determined not to be free and can neither be frightened, discouraged nor persuaded to change their resolution. – Alexander Hamilton

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo was the treaty that ended the Mexican-American War. It was signed and took effect in 1848. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What city was originally awarded the 1904 Olympics? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/May 13, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience. 

Leading Off will return. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: A relatively busy night at the hotel. Today’s Diary.  

46 rooms tonight, the highest total in the Virus Era…There were only a dozen or so arrivals when I left in the morning and Brandon reported there were almost two dozen same-day reservations…In fact, with 131-149 out of order for maintenance, a few rooms on the second floor had to be opened…Gloria the Head Housekeeper noted this and not with any sort of glee, either, noting there was no way to get a maid’s cart up to the second floor right now.

Crap, she’s right!!!…Recall 227-248 are being completely renovated, so that wing is blocked off…Because of this, the elevator by 127 is OOC…Now, this leaves the elevator by 167, however, good luck getting a cart thru the 227-248 hallway…I bravely blamed Brandon for this, since all second-floor rooms had been either checked-in or assigned by the time I got there. 

Click here get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1846 – The United States Congress declares war against Mexico, starting the Mexican-American War. The war followed the US annexing Texas the year before and ended with a US victory in 1948. It was the second time the Congress had declared war – a power reserved to it exclusively by the Constitution – and Congress has since declared war eight more times, the last when it declared war on Bulgaria, Hungary and Romania in 1942. In Mexico, the war is known as the US Intervention in Mexico. 

In 2006 – The Buffalo Sabres win their Eastern Conference Semifinal series against the Ottawa Senators 4 games to 1, winning Game 5 3-2 in overtime. The winning goal was scored by Jason Pominville at 2:26 of overtime and this remains the only time in NHL playoff history a series has ended on a shorthanded, overtime goal. The Sabres would lose the Carolina Hurricanes, the eventual Stanley Cup champion, in the conference finals. 

In 1967 – The Happening by Diana Ross and The Supremes is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for its only week. It was the tenth of twelve #1 songs for the group and their twelfth of 14 Top 10 hits. The song also peaked at #6 in Great Britain and at #12 on Billboard’s soul chart. It was from the movie of the same name and an instrumental version of the song by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass would peak at #32 in August. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

There’s a hard and distant prize/Probably won’t happen, but I think I’ll try/Even if it doesn’t happen for me/It sure beats hanging around here  – Bruce Hornsby, Across The River

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Tom Heinsohn was the head coach of the Boston Celtics for the 1973-74 season. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What was the name of the treaty that ended the Mexican-American War? – Answer next time!

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