The Daily Dose/December 19, 2018 
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

In The News
In The News will return.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow might finally have found some chapstick that provides more than five seconds of relief.

I found a package of something that had Lip Repair in block letters on the package, as well as before and after pics of a set of lips…The before pic was pretty bad, the lips looking like the Gobi Desert after a particularly dry summer, but in the after pic they looked normal…I ripped the package open immediately after paying for it a self-checkout and BOOM! the effect was immediate moisturizing relief…

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 17: The race for The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – might be the closest ever as no less – and no more – than five (5) teams have either three (3) or four (4) wins.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-10; lost to Washington 16-13) – Strong finishing kick sees Jaguars pull out come-from-ahead loss, getting outscored 10-3 in final period…Owner Shad Khan, in attempt to motivate team for B-10 stretch run, has scheduled Saudi Crown Prince MBS to give motivational speech before Sunday’s game …Next Loss: at Miami

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On This Date
In  1998 – President of the United States Bill Clinton is impeached by the United States House of Representatives on one article of perjury and one article of obstruction of justice related to his conduct in the Monica Lewinsky scandal. A second perjury article and one of abuse of power failed to pass. Clinton would be acquitted at his trial by the United States Senate in February.

In 1917 – The National Hockey league (NHL) plays its first games ever with the Montreal Wanderers defeating the Toronto Arenas 10-9 and the Montreal Canadiens defeating the Ottawa Senators 7-4. The NHL replaced the National Hockey Association (NHA), and was originally scheduled to last for a year or so until the NHA could get back on its feet. Toronto defeated the Canadiens for the first NHL championship in a two-game total goals series 10-7 and would defeat the Vancouver Millionaires of the Pacific Coast Hockey Association for the Stanley Cup.

In 1970 – Smokey Robinson and the Miracles are at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the second an final week with The Tears of a Clown. The song had gone to #1 in Great Britain over the summer and also went to #1 on Billboard’s soul chart. It was the first #1 for the Miracles, who first hit the Hot 100 in 1959. Robinson soon left the group and The Tears of a Clown remains his only #1 appearance on the Hot 100 as a performer, though the Miracles would hit #1 again in 1975 with Love Machine – Part 1. 

Quotebook
When your final day comes, you yourself must be the examiner. Did you do well? Or did you squander your precious existence? You must decide.
Deng Ming-Dao 365 Tao

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The Portsmouth Spartans are now the Detroit Lions, moving there in 1934.

Today’s Stumper
Who was the first president of the United States impeached by the House of Representatives? –Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 18, 2018 
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

In The News
Instead of enjoying the quarterfinals of the NCAA Division I football playoffs this past weekend, American sports fans were force-fed five bowls games nobody really cared anything about. These games had an average margin of victory of 22 points in stadiums that were a bit more than half full. Maybe 1.5 million – les than one-half of one percent of the country – watched each game. Maybe not.

The players don’t really care, either, as four top professional prospects – Michigan DE Rashan Gary, Houston DT Ed Oliver, LSU DB Greedy Williams, Iowa TE Noah Fant – can’t be bothered to play in their team’s bowl games and you can’t really blame them: if you had a choice between playing in the Tidy Cats Clumping Kitty Litter Bowl and the National Football League, which would you choose? This continues a recent trend and is now expected and really isn’t news anymore. If you think any of these kids would have sat any games in a real playoff, you are deluding yourself.

Had there been an NCAA Division I playoff this year, it could have been a 32-team affair that started on December 1, meaning this past weekend the remaining eight teams would have competed in the quarterfinals and this week we would all be getting worked up over Saturday’s national semifinals.

The national semifinals!!!

But we’re not achieving and maintaining states of arousal over the national semifinals. Instead, we will be force-fed nine more exhibitions this week including games in the Bahamas and Boise, where the game time temperature is expected to be in the mid-40s, which isn’t too bad for Boise this time of year, actually.

Yes, the upcoming four-team Nick Saban Invitational will produce some good football and will generate the ratings and money that will allow everyone to pretend to be interested in the other 37 games. And we’re watching it and talking about which means we will continue to be spoonfed this tripe for the foreseeable future.

We are not demanding better, so we will not receive better. When we stop paying attention to Bean Dip and Crack Whore bowl games, and the current playoff, we’ll get an NCAA Division I playoff. It will become an American classic so quickly every one of us will wonder why we didn’t do this 50 years ago.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow is in the papers again, this time in an article about the vacancy on his small town’s council. Plus, there is the latest from around town, including an update on the abandoned coffee shop next door that Devon is turning into a house.

Recall a couple of weeks ago myself and a woman applied for it and we appeared at a council meeting to say howdy and the council was so impressed with us they extended the deadline to apply for the seat by a week…Evidently two more residents put in for it and they will decide who they want at a special meeting Tuesday.

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On This Date
In 1777 – Thanksgiving is celebrated in the United States for the first time, declared by the Continental Congress to commemorate the American’s October victory over the British in the Revolution’s Battle of Saratoga. Previously, the holiday had been celebrated at various times in the 13 original colonies and it was celebrated intermittently in the United States until it was declared a permanent federal holiday by President Lincoln in 1863.

In 1932 – The Chicago Bears defeat the Portsmouth Spartans 9-0 in the first NFL championship game and the first NFL game played indoors. Originally scheduled for Wrigley Field, the weather forced organizers to move the game to Chicago Stadium, then three years old and home to the NHL’s Chicago Black Hawks. The game remains one of the most significant in NFL history as rule modifications like moving the goal post to the goal line and staring each play inside the hash marks and the introduction of a permanent league championship game, were adopted the following season.

In 1961 – The Tokens, a quartet from Brooklyn, are at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the first of three consecutive weeks with The Lion Sleeps Tonight. The song was originally written in the Zulu language in South Africa in the 1930s, recorded by Soloman Linda and titled  Mbube. The song would spend three weeks at #1 on the Hot 100 and The Lion Sleeps Tonight remains the Tokens only Top 10 hit. The song charted again in 1972, with Robert John’s version peaking at #3.

Quotebook
It is not the first steps but the last ones that are most difficult.
Jean-Francois Steiner
Treblinka

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Paul McCartney has hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with five different acts: the Beatles, Wings, and three times as a member of a duet: with Linda McCartney, Stevie Wonder and Michael Jackson.

Today’s Stumper
The Portsmouth Spartans are now what NFL team? –Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 17, 2018 
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

In The News
Yesterday the Quotebook feature of this column ran a quote from Abraham Lincoln from the end of his 1862 State of the Union message to Congress. Following the custom of the time, it was delivered in writing:

We cannot escape history…we will be remembered in spite of ourselves…The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation. 

A century-and-a-half after Appomattox, whether or not the Civil War was an honorable effort or not is still open to debate. Most we know think it was, but some do not, regarding Lincoln’s performance as that of a despot. Both points have merit and the only thing that can be said for certain is that Lincoln was determined to save the Union and both used and ignored the Constitution as he saw fit.

150 years from now, when there are all new people on this planet, our time here will be scrutinized and we don’t think future generations are going to give us good reviews. They will be looking back at a divided, bickering and mean America that in the late-20th century became fat, dumb and happy and stopped striving. They will be shaking their collective heads at an America that accepted perpetual war, fiscal insanity, their country becoming a shooting gallery

Implicit in all this the fact future generations will be looking back at either an America that eventually got its act together or an America that collapsed under the weight of her perpetual wars and consuming debt, her collective rancor and deep social divides, her spite and her indifference.

We will not find those that will ultimately determine America’s fate on the TV or in the headlines. We will see them every time we look in the mirror because it is you and me – we the people – that will determine our country’s future. As long as we continue to tolerate the substandard at the ballot box we will have a substandard country. We begin demanding better, we will have better.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow buys some leather wipes for his personal desk blotter, plus some really expensive lip balm, and every college student east of the Rockies appears to be taking their winter holiday in town.

Who the hell schedules tour buses for a discount retailer???…Were the public restrooms closed???

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On This Date
In  1903 – Man takes its first successful airplane rides when Wilbur and Orville Wright fly the Wright Flyer four times a bit south of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Man’s first plane ride lasted for 12 seconds and 120 feet and the last one went 852 feet in 59 seconds, the Wright Flyer sustaining heavy damage on its final landing and never flew again. The Wrights had actually flown three days earlier, however, their flight crashed after 3.5 seconds and was not successful.

In 1991 – The Cleveland Cavaliers defeat the Miami Heat 148-80, the 68-point difference establishing a new NBA record for Largest Margin of Victory in a Game. Cleveland led by 20 at the half, while the Heat could only be bothered to score 27 points combined in the third and fourth quarters. The record still stands and broke the old record of 63 points established in March 1972 when the Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Golden State Warriors 162-99.

In 1983 – Say, Say, Say by Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson are at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the second of seven consecutive weeks, McCartney’s 29th appearance at #1 as a performer and Jackson’s tenth. The song also went to #1 in Sweden, Norway, Spain, Italy, France and Canada and peaked at #2 on Billboard’s soul chart. Due to when it charted Say, Say, Say was Billboard’s fourth biggest song of 1984, the ninth biggest of the decade and ranked 44th all-time on Billboard’s 2013 Greatest of All-Time Hot 100 singles chart.

Quotebook
…what a man is contributes more to his happiness than what he has.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Seven NFL players have rushed for more than 2,000 yards in a season, most recently by Adrian Peterson, then of the Minnesota Vikings, who ran for 2,097 yards in 2012. OJ Simpson is the only player to do it in a 14 game season.

Today’s Stumper
With how many different acts has Paul McCartney hit #1 with on the Billboard Hot 100? –Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 16, 2018 
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

In The News
The US media seems to have lost interest in reporting developments in the death of Jamal Khashoggi, despite the fact there are no fewer than 923,000 news outlets who can report their findings instantaneously. Follow-up reporting, along with context and substance and investigation, is one of the major casualties of the insta-news cycle.

(We’ve long felt this malfeasance is responsible for the Trump presidency. Instead of dismissing him as they would have any other billionaire needing attention who lacked a cogent, long-term plan for our country, Trump meant ratings, clicks and profits, so he was ushered right into the GOP primaries, the nomination and the White House.)

Here’s the latest:

Khashoggi is still dead and it is still not reasonable to believe Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman was not complicit in it.

The United States Senate this week passed a resolution saying the crown prince was responsible for Khashoggi’s murder. The resolution is non-binding, meaning it while it packs some moral punch, it has the same legal authority as a resolution passed by the New York Yankees.

For his part, President Trump – President Trump! – still declines to implicate the crown prince, saying the Saudis “…have been a really good ally” which is akin to keeping the clap around because you had fun getting it.

Turkey, the country where Khashoggi uttered his last words – “I can’t breathe.” – is still doggedly trying to bring the killers to account however, in what is hardly the Upset of the Year, the Saudis are making the effort difficult. A Turkish government official appealed for international help – good luck with that – saying:

…it will be in the best interest of the international community to seek justice for the late Saudi journalist under international law,

It would, of course, but with the US declining to do anything, nothing will happen.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: They sell dreidels at the retailer! Sparrow is not making that up.

Anyway, we keep them fairly well hidden, on one of those ubiquitous impulse strips against the far wall, at the end of the Christmas section next to hardware, between ornament hooks and the stepladders…To celebrate Sally and I sang the only verse we know of the dreidel song Jasmine taught us.

On This Date
In 1773 – Several dozen American patriots, some disguised as Indians, protest taxes on tea levied by the British crown without their consent, boarding three ships in Boston harbor and throwing 342 chests of tea into the harbor. History refers to the incident as the Boston Tea Party, the significance of which was not lost on the colonists, with John Adams calling it “…the most magnificent Movement of all”.

In 1973 – O.J. Simpson of the Buffalo Bills slashes his way into the NFL record book, establishing a new record for Most Rushing Yards in a Season, rushing for 200 yards as the Bills defeated the New York Jets 34-14. Simpson finished the season with 2,003 yards. The old record was 1,863 yards by Jim Brown of the Cleveland Browns, in 1963. The record is now held by Erick Dickerson, who rushed for 2,105 yards in 1984.

In 1967 – I Heard It Through the Grapevine by Gladys Knight and the Pips is at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart – then known as the Hot Rhythm and Blues Singles chart –  for the third of six consecutive weeks. It was second of ten #1’s on the soul chart for the group and the song peaked at #2 on Billboard’s Hot 100. A version the following year by Marvin Gaye spent seven weeks at #1 on both the soul chart and the Hot 100.

Quotebook
We cannot escape history…we will be remembered in spite of ourselves…The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation. 
Abraham Lincoln
Annual message to Congress, 12/1/1862

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Anne Murray has had 23 #1 songs on the country chart in her native Canada.

Today’s Stumper
How many NFL players have rushed for over 2,000 yards in a season? –Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 15, 2018 
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

In The News
Man’s quest to explore added another stone to the foundation of private sector space travel when Virgin Galactic’s SpaceShipTwo made it to 51 miles above sea level this week. This is, depending on your definition, either space or pretty close to it.

It was Virgin’s fourth test flight, and owner Sir Richard Branson is in a race with fellow billionaires Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk to be the first to send paying tourists into space. Their quests began around 2004 and have been marred with the usual failures and tragedies that have attended space travel since the 1950’s and, indeed, all human exploration since time immemorial.

Almost interesting is the fact the FAA will issue the two pilots commercial astronaut wings, as the United States Air Force considers 50 miles to be the boundary of space. America, though, is the only jurisdiction that uses that definition. The exact boundary is unclear because our atmosphere doesn’t have a had and fast end, it merely fades away, but most use 62 miles as the boundary, a figure arrived at by someone smarter than us that incorporates a lot of dry, technical matter, including speed and altitude.

We don’t issue astronaut wings here at In The News, but our own view is 76 miles, the distance, more or less, when the earth’s atmosphere begins to exert influence on incoming spacecraft, is a pretty good practical definition of where space begins.

We quibble: kudos to everyone trying to make private space flight a go. It’s too bad that on the cusp of the third decade of the 21st century the private sector is still achieving states of arousal over sub-orbital flights that barely make it into space, but America’s government can’t even send anyone into space anymore, so they have hardly been either a shining example or much help.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow is obliged to fill out onboarding paperwork for a job he’s had for two years and is leaving in a week, while at the retailer, Sparrow congratulates both the premium and the cheap bird seed customer on their purchase.

For the premium purchaser I confided The Wife and I both enjoy the higher class of bird the premium cseed attracts, while for the cheapo seed customer I confided The Wife and I appreciate the fact that birds are birds and they can’t tell the goddamned difference anyway, so why blow good money on the premium stuff???

On This Date
In 1970 – Man reaches another planet for the first time when the Soviet Union’s Venera 7 lands on Venus. It also marked the first time data was transmitted to Earth from another planet as Venera 7 reported, among other things, that Venus’ atmosphere was 97 percent carbon dioxide and its surface temperature was 887 degrees F. Venera 7 transmitted for 53 minutes, 20 of those from the surface, and hasn’t been heard from since.

In 1982 – Paul “Bear” Bryant retires as the head football coach at Alabama. His final game would come two weeks later, a 21-15 win over Illinois in the Liberty Bowl. Bryant retired with six national championships and 323 career victories, both records at the time. His six national championship mark has been tied by Nick Saban and his 323 wins is now good for fourth amongst major division coaches and seventh overall. An avid smoker and drinker and in ill health for several years, Bryant died of a massive heart attack several weeks later.

In 1984 – No One Loves Me Like You Do by Anne Murray and Dave Loggins, is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles chart – for its only week. For Murray, it was her seventh and penultimate #1 US country hit. For Loggins, long an accomplished songwriter, it was his third and final appearance as a performer on an American chart: In 1974 Please Come To Boston went to #5 on the Billboard Hot 100 and its followup Someday peaked at #57.

Quotebook
Love is a perpetual act of selfless devotion.
Jim Bishop
The Day Christ Died

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The Charlotte Hornets were the other NBA team that began play in 1988. They moved to New Orleans in 2002 and a new team began play in Charlotte in 2004.

Today’s Stumper
How many #1 country hits as Anne Murray had in her native Canada? –Answer next time!

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