The Daily Dose/December 5, 2018 
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

In The News
Tuesday we published The Bottom Ten/2018 Bowl Game Edition, our annual nonsense ranking the worst upcoming college football bowl games. It was, for our money, the funniest thing we’ve ever written.

Writing is no different than anything else us humans do. Some days a sprinter runs a personal best but most days he doesn’t. What made yesterday different than any other day we’ve plied this trade? Hell, we don’t know. We were enjoying morning coffee (actually, afternoon coffee, we keep odd hours here) and we’d had some rest, both key for a writer, but we enjoy caffeine daily and are accustomed to getting our rest. There was nothing to distinguish this session from any other and we were no more focused than any other time. We were prepared, as usual, to give you our very best.

But it was different. We seldom laugh out loud when writing. If something is particularly amusing we might smile after we’ve written it and if it is particularly funny we might chuckle as we write it. We seldom actually laugh out loud at something we’ve written, insert your own joke here.

But this column found us genuinely laughing at four lines: the Cheez-Its midfield logo line, the crown prince shit list line, the detention leaders for opposition leaders line – which is actually an encore from last year – and the Trident missile warranty line. Others made us chuckle and we thought the column so good we put it in our Hall of Fame.

In the end, we chalked it up to having been a bit better than usual, which happens from time to time. You can’t rest on your laurels, of course, so you enjoy it and get back to work, because today’s three columns – this one, The Diary of a Nobody, The NFL Bottom Ten – are not going to write themselves. You must get back to work.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has a guest ask him to do something about the dry air, he hears from the town manager about his application to fill the vacancy on the town council and he learns a dreidel song.

About 0300 I got a visit from a long-term guest who was wondering if there was anything I could do about the really dry air here…Well, I’m a night auditor and hardly omnipotent, so I don’t have all-encompassing powers so, frankly, there is little I can do in this circumstance…I did offer a humidifier and he said he has one and his nose still feels like it’s stuffed with Triscuits…

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 15: The nags are headed for home, and it’s the Raiders, Jets and 49ers perched on the Bottom Ten medal stand this week. Veteran Bottom fan(s) know, however, you count out the Browns and the Bengals at your peril.

1. Oakland Raiders (2-10; lost to Kansas City 40-33) – Despite losing strength of schedule points for wins over Browns, Cardinals, Raiders earn B-10 top spot thanks to owning tiebreaker with loss to 49ers…Next Loss: Pittsburgh

On This Date
In 1955 – The Montgomery Bus Boycott begins in Montgomery, Alabama, four days after Rosa Parks was arrested for not yielding her seat on a bus to a white person. Instead of taking the bus, blacks carpooled and some black taxi drivers charged only ten cents – bus fare and about 97 cents in today’s money – for rides, causing no small amount of fiscal problems for the city. The boycott lasted for over a year until the US Supreme Court ruled segregated bus laws were unconstitutional.

In 1973 – Ron Santo of the Chicago Cubs vetoes an attempt by the Cubs to trade him to the California Angels. Santo became the first player to invoke what is known as the 10/5 rule, which allows a player with ten years in the major leagues, the last five with one team, to veto a trade. Santo was later traded to the Chicago White Sox and would retire after the 1974 season.

In 1987 – Heaven Is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle is at #1 for its only week on Billboard’s Hot 100. The song also went to #1 in Britain, Switzerland, Ireland, Sweden, South Africa, Norway and New Zealand. Carlisle had previously charted as a member of the Go-Go’s and Heaven Is a Place on Earth remains her only appearance at #1.

Quotebook
…as if the deepest springs of pleasure in his body were trembling under the caress of exhilarating winds.
William McGivern
Choice of Assassins

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Little Things Mean a Lot by Kitty Kallen spent nine weeks at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart, the most of any song in 1954.

Today’s Stumper
What was the name of the US Supreme Court ruling that struck down Montgomery’s bus segregation laws? –Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 4, 2018 
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

In The News
In The News is taking some time off.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow wears socks that don’t match, plows the driveway and finalizes plans for the trip to the VA hospital for his checkup.

…sorting through everything to find matching socks seemed like an awful lot of work so I tossed everything on the couch and took the first two socks I could find…I’ve actually been doing this most of the week.

The Bottom Ten/2018 Bowl Game Edition: 40 games, all but three of them meaningless exhibitions and, as this year’s bowl game survey proves, some are more meaningless than ever. There are two new awards this year, too: The Jack Frost Award for Cold Weather Bowl Game of the Year and the Bottom Ten Contractor’s Cup, given to the worst bowl game venue.

6. Cure Bowl
Details: December 15; Camping World Stadium, Orlando
Teams: Louisiana-Lafayette (7-6) vs Tulane (6-6)
Reasons To Watch: First bowl game of season, you want to set good foundation for future misery by watching game featuring two (2) teams that used to regularly appear in weekly, hilarious collegiate B-10 survey. 
Reasons Not To Watch: Saudi crown prince has announced beheadings for anyone watching this game and you do not want to get on his shit list.
Bottom Line: Only bowl played for charity as organizers donate proceeds to help find cure for lousy bowl games…Current favorite for B-10 Bowl Game of the Decade honors. 

Editor’s Note: this might be the funniest thing Gaylon has ever written. He really hopes you like it.

On This Date
In 1872 – The American ship Mary Celeste is found abandoned and adrift off the Azore Islands by the British ship Dei Gratia. Mary Celeste’s life raft was missing and the final deck log entry on November 25 merely referenced it’s last fixed position and left no clue about why the ship had been abandoned. The ship had some minor damage but was otherwise seaworthy and still fully provisioned. The ship had sailed from New York City on November 5th, and none of its crew was heard from again.

In 1987 – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar scores seven points in an 85-83 loss to the Milwaukee Bucks, the first time in 787 games he had not scored at least ten points, an NBA record. The streak had started on December 4, 1977, when he had 21 points in a loss to the Denver Nuggets. Abdul-Jabbar’s record was broken in 1997 by Michael Jordan and is now held by LeBron James, who scored at least ten points in 893 consecutive games between January 6, 2007, and this past November 27.

1954 – The Chordettes are at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart – one of several predecessors to the Hot 100 – with Mr Sandman. The song spent seven weeks at #1 and was the Chordette’s only #1 hit. The song was recorded by several other artists, including a version by Emmylou Harris that reached #37 on the Hot 100 and #10 in Billboard’s country chart 1981.

Quotebook
…the only absolute attainment is absolute abandonment.
Buddha

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Tom Fears is the first person born in Mexico to be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. He was born to an American father and a Mexican mother.

Today’s Stumper
What song spent the most weeks at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers In Stores chart in 1954? –Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 3, 2018 
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

In The News
In The News is taking some time off.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow leaves the eggs, cheese, bread, peanut butter and jelly in the frozen car all night, then thaws it all out when he gets home. Later, when he scrambles the eggs he doesn’t die. Also, it’s dead slow at the retailer.

… it was so slow tonight when I did the first closing page I said “good evening retailer shopper” instead of “shoppers”…Like last time, it went over everybody’s head.

On This Date
In 1775 – A national flag of what would become the United States is raised for the first time, on the USS Alfred in the harbor of Philadelphia. Known to History by various names, the flag consisted of 13 alternating red and white stripes with the British Union Jack in the upper left corner. History declines to disclose for certain who designed and made the flag, and in 1777 the Continental Congress authorized the current design of the flag of the United States.

In 1950 – Tom Fears of the Los Angeles Rams establishes a new NFL record with 18 receptions in a game. Two of them were for touchdowns and the Rams defeated the Green Bay Packers 51-14. Fears broke the record of 14 that been done on occasion in the past, and the record was broken by Terrell Owens (20) in 2000 and the record is now held by Brandon Marshall, who caught 21 passes in a 2009 game. Fears, who played collegiately at UCLA, is a member of the college and professional football Halls of Fame.

In 1977 – Dolly Parton has the #1 song on the Billboard country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles Chart – with Here You Come Again. The song would spend five weeks at #1 and was Parton’s sixth #1 country hit and was also her first hit on the Billboard Hot 100, peaking at #3. The song was written by Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil and was originally offered to Brenda Lee, who declined it.

Quotebook
Life is being on the wire. Everything else is just waiting.
Rick Wallenda

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The Temptations had 14 #1 songs on Billboard’s R&B chart. A 15th song went to #1 on Cashbox’s R&B chart, during a time the Billboard chart was inactive.

Today’s Stumper
Tom Fears is the first person born in what country to be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame? –Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 2, 2018 
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

In The News
In The News will return.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: History at The Shire today, as Sparrow eats a complete meal with chopsticks for the first time ever…Also, there is a new coffee pot at the hotel.

Usually, I lose interest in chopsticks after everything ends up on my shirt, but I was in rare form today…Now, my technique may not be in strict accordance with lessons from the Masters of the Orient, and I did eat straight from the bowl towards the end or dinner would have lasted all night, but it was chopsticks the whole way.

On This Date
In 1971 – Man lands on Mars for the first time when a descent capsule from the Soviet Union’s Mars 3 orbiter safely reaches the surface. Space exploration being space exploration, this triumph was followed by the lander ceasing transmission after a few seconds and contact was never recovered. The lander did send back the first photograph from the Martian surface, however nothing was identifiable.

In 1984 – Dan Marino of the Miami Dolphins breaks the NFL record for Most Touchdowns Passes in a Season, throwing touchdown passes 37-40 in a 45-34 loss to the Los Angeles Raiders. The old record was 36 held by George Blanda (1961) and the record is currently held by Peyton Manning, who threw 55 touchdown passes in 2013.

In 1972 – Papa Was a Rolling Stone by the Temptations is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for its only week, the fourth and final #1 for the Temptations. The song won three Grammy Awards: Best R&B Vocal Performance by a Group, the B side of the single won best R&B Instrumental and the song’s writers – Norman Whitfield and Barret Strong – won for Best R&B Song. Papa Was a Rolling Stone peaked at #5 on Billboard’s R&B chart.

Quotebook
…the burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart.
J.R.R. Tolkien
The Lord of the Rings

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The first US presidential election to be decided by the US House of Representatives was the election of 1800. Although History shows Thomas Jefferson defeated John Adams in this election, due to a quirk in the Constitution the House chose between Thomas Jefferson and his vice presidential running mate Aaron Burr, who had tied in the Electoral College with 73 votes. Jefferson was elected on the 36th ballot. The quirk was corrected by the Twelfth Amendment to the Constitution.

Today’s Stumper
How many #1 songs did the Temptations have on Billboard’s R&B chart? –Answer next time!

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