Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Thursday, April 5
The big decision today was Vitalis/Brylcreem.

I used to shave my head, but about a year ago, more or less, I started letting it grow out…Long-time readers of this crap know when I did have hair there wasn’t a whole lot on top…There still isn’t, but I was tired of the bald look and there is still enough on top to require some effort to make look good.

Anyway, for the longest time I put Brylcreem exclusively in my hair…It’s what Dad used and I used it from time to time, too when I was younger…A few weeks ago, simply because I’m a complete maniac, I picked up some Vitalis…I was curious…I had no complaints with Brylcreem and I felt somewhat guilty because they’re right next to each other at the store and I could feel the Brylcreem box glaring at me.

I was intrigued by their differences, tho…Brylcreem, as you might guess, is a cream and provides really good hold, even when I’m working a double and it even survives hat usage…Vitalis is a liquid and is almost as good…The big difference I noticed is the hold doesn’t last as long Brylcreem’s does…It will get you through a regular day, but on the really long ones it will wear out…But for today – wash and go and out the door for a day’s work – Vitalis is great…It holds up to the hat and my hair looks sharp all day.

Woke up to the (new) alarm clock today, for the first time in a while…Despite the odd hours I am keeping right now and despite the fact I work an awful lot I am pleased to report I seldom need an alarm clock, which is good…I like my sleep and take care to get as much as I can…When I worked dayshift at the timeshare the alarm went off at 5 every morning so this is much better for morale, even if I do work graveyard five nights a week.

Anyway, the alarm clock is new!!!…I am not making that up!!!…The old alarm clock, which I stole from Mom’s house three years ago after she died, had a couple of intolerable flaws…One, it was one of those clocks where daylight savings time was already programmed in for the next thousand years and the dates of DST changed so it was always a week off…It sprung forward a week later and fell back a week sooner…Or maybe it was the other way around…I forget.

The other flaw that signed its death warrant was one of the buttons that moved the time broke…There were two of these buttons, one forward and one backward and these were NOT buttons for the hours and minutes so moving the alarm involved pressing the forward or backwards buttons and moving both hours and minutes at the same time…The backward button is the one that broke so if I needed to change the alarm from 7am to 9pm I had scroll all the forward, past noon, till I got to the desired time…This easily added 30-40 seconds (I timed it) to the alarm clock changing evolution.

The new alarm clock is rather modest – was not in the mood to spend top dollar here – but it does have seperate hour and minute buttons for changing the time and the alarm, so it only takes a few seconds to change the alarm even if the button only goes forward…It also has a port for charging your phone, tho I’ve learned it’s best to keep my phone in the office.

Customer of the Day at the service desk was this older gentleman who returned one of those 85-roll packages of toilet paper…He said it was evil single ply which he picked up inadvertantly because his ass has always demanded double ply…I wanted to tell him, you know, fold it over for Pete’s sake, but I didn’t want to seem too interested in the matter so I processed the return without making a fuss.

Return policies are pretty liberal here…Sometimes you have to say no when it’s plain they went through their attack looking for old radios and toasters and stuff, but there are times when I’ll take something when if it was my store I wouldn’t…I’ve taken a stand, tho…If you do not have a receipt and your refund is more than a few bucks you’re getting a gift card and not cash…Sorry…You want to return a used portable heater without a receipt because you broke it, you ain’t getting cash from ol’ Sparrow…Tough noogies.

You do feel empathy from time to time, though, because it’s the end of the month and it is plain they are returning things because they need the money…Sometimes they’re even unused with a receipt…Sometimes not, tho…One time I remember a guy came thru with all these used items…Clocks, utensils, clothing, it looked like he had just robbed a yard sale…He was young, and I’ve seen enough people short of money over the years to know he could use some cash…He was disheveled, hs clothes were dirty, he had the look: I need help…I felt sorry for him, and I stretched a policy here and there to return a few bucks worth of stuff, which I gave him cash for, but for most of it I was obliged to issue apologies and tell him no…Later I saw him in a checkout lane with some pasta and some canned sauce which he was probably able to get because of the few bucks I was able to refund him.

Sparrow Sleep Log: 9:30 Wednesday night to 6:00 Thursday morning, a solid 9.5 hours, exactly what I needed…I know all of you are looking forward to the weekly totals as much as I am.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, April 4
Right after I reported to the trenches at 9am to experience the wonders of the service desk, Register 2 copped an attitude and stopped working completely properly…It would do most things, but sometimes when you pushed a button on the touch screen nothing happened…None of the usual high tech troubleshooting techniques worked, either: hitting it hard, hitting it consecutive times, hitting it hard consecutive times.

This is tuff because it left us with two registers at the service desk and we were not shorthanded…Key in this situation is to look busy because if you’re merely standing around scratching your nose during the day you’re liable to be snagged for some real work like stocking or, horror of horrors, cleaning…Eff that noise…I went and pretended to straighten up the bread aisle which had just been stocked and needed no attention whatsoever…This is all right though because you aren’t standing at the desk not doing anything…You are looking busy.

One of the things I do to make a pest of myself is to pretend to understand and take part in a conversation in a language I don’t understand, which is pretty much everything but English and a little Spanish…Today Mamadou came by the desk and called for Customer Service Sam to come over and chat with him…I was standing next to Mamadou at the time and Sam dutifully came over…They are both from Senegal and were speaking Senegal and I nodded and pursed my lips importantly and, of courses, laughed when they did…Of course, I had some zero clue what they were talking about…They could have been talking about seagulls or the homeland or even the GOP tax cut – which none of them think was big enough…At the end, I laughed significantly and said “you’re telling me” and even pointed knowingly at nothing in particular…Customer Service Sam is a rather serious sort and if my shenanigans brought him any joy whatsoever he brilliantly kept it to himself…Mamadou, tho, is pretty funny and pretended to smack me while continuing to talk to me in Senegal…It sounded like a question.  

One of my duties is to wire money…We use MoneyGram for this and today a mother and daughter came in looking to wire money to Nigeria…A supervisor named Maria actually pointed them out when the walked in saying they had tried to send money to Nigeria yesterday but MoneyGram said no and perhaps they were being scammed…So they tried again today with me and it went thru…Maybe I should have asked some questions…Their clothes were neither new nor clean and $600 is $600 for Pete’s sake…But I didn’t…It’s none of my business…If they are hell-bent on sending hard-earned money to some dude in Nigeria, more power to you…If they choose to ignore the voice inside them that is telling them this isn’t quite right, that’s their lookout.

Because those voices are there…One time we did talk a guy out of wiring money after he said something inside told him not to do this…I asked him the details and he said he was selling something in the classifieds – a sander, I think – and a guy from Ohio had made an offer…He sent the buyer a cashier’s check for $960 only $950 over the agreed-upon purchase price…The seller told the buyer to wire him the rest of the money and that’s what he was here to do and his bank had made half of the funds available…In fact, one of his first questions was how much could he wire, which always gets my attention anyway.

– You want my two cents?
– Yeah. He really did, too, probably to confirm his suspicions.
– Wait until the entire check clears…When it’s all in your account go to the bank and personally triple check it…Make sure they can’t take it out…Don’t wire the money until every penny is in your account and the check has cleared.

I didn’t say “scam” or “fraud”, even though that’s what it probably was…The cashier’s check had to be forged because you don’t have to be Joe Friday to wonder who in the hell would be sending $960 to buy a $50 sander…Eventually, the guy trusted his instincts about something not being right and took the common sense advice of not wiring the money until the check had completely cleared and, sensibly, he put his money back in his pocket…He thanked me and reiterated his claim that this had seemed fishy from the start

Got to use one of my favorite lines today…It’s not a Line of the Year candidate or anything, but it is pretty funny and it never gets old…Or so I think…It might…At least if you’re not me because I think it’s always great fun…This young couple came up carrying their rugrat in a carrier…They also had some diapers and other baby stuff…Or it looked like baby stuff…I never reproduced so what do I know…Anyway, I had the scanner in my hand an after scanning a couple of items I reached across the counter as if to scan the kid, announcing, hilariously, that kids were 33 percent off today….Sometimes they’re half off…The parents laffed and the dad said it sounded like a pretty good deal.

No sleep log…I’ve been up since yesterday afternoon and I am going to bed now.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name. 

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, April 3
Shows what I know…Wore the winter coat into work last night…It was cold and windy and snowy, so my winter-is-over declaration turned out to be a crock, not for the first time because it’s human nature to embrace false springs.

The Wife is doing some house sitting in town so I went by for dinner tonight, before heading to the hotel…The Wife, as noted here in the past, is a brilliant improvisational cook and tonight she sauteed some chicken with some onions and orange beets and carrots and threw in some Asian seasoning…She’s never made for us before, it was really good and I will probably never see it again…I still remember the leftover navy bean/roast potato soup she made years ago…It was Soup of the Year and we haven’t had it since…On the plus side, the tofurkey we had one holiday years ago when we were both avoiding meat hasn’t been repeated yet, either, so it works both ways.

I was grateful for the home cooked meal…The Wife’s been gone for a while and I tend to eat sandwiches over the sink or convenience store hot dogs because they’re convenient.

Afterward, we watched the animal channel because who doesn’t want to see tigers attempt to copulate???…One if its commercials was for frozen pizza topped with pepperoni which made me laff because why would the animal channel carried ads for food products topped with seasoned animal meat???…That didn’t seem quite right and I thought if the animals featured on the channel knew they might well go on strike. 

The neighbors across the street are still moving in, tho the U-Haul was turned around, still parked parallel for some reason, but facing the other way…I thought about going over and showing him how to back the ass end into his driveway, but I didn’t…It’s his house.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 10am-4:30pm…6.5 hours, not as long as I was hoping for because I have a long day coming up, but I had get up to use the can and I was unable to get back to sleep.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence. 

It was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name. 

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday April 2
More neighborhood news!!!…New neighbors are moving in across the street!!!

I’m not sure how long they’d been at it, but when I woke up at 3:30pm there they were, youngish couple with a couple of rugrats…Why they didn’t back the U-Haul into their new driveway is a mystery that may never be explained, but they also have their pickup to unload, too…I didn’t want to bother them by going over and asking…I probably should…I mean, this is a small town and you’re expected to do things like that…Heck, there was probably a time when neighbors could have been counted on to bring some food over, too, and maybe even a six-pack or something, but then they’d want to talk and who the hell wants to talk to me???

The Wife and I both suspect the lot next door to The Shire has been sold, too…It’s pretty big, it’s where GG’s coffee shop used to be and the building was abandoned long before we moved here and the only activity we see there is when somebody comes by to cut the grass/weeds every few weeks during summer…There is also an equally-abandoned home on the site, which is pretty close to our fence.

Anyway, there has been activity here, too…Earlier this week there was a long, red trailer on site but that’s gone today, replaced by a long motorhome and a trailer that has contractor’s name and phone number on the side…The company that owns the convenience store in town owns the property and I don’t think it’s been sold, tho I don’t know for sure and don’t care enough to look it up…Either way, no one appears to be in any great rush to do anything, because we haven’t actually seen anyone do anything.

They’re been a lot of computer problems at Hotel B, where I’m the night auditor Sun/Mon/Tue nights…For a few weeks, the main one had the quaint habit of shutting down at random, blue screen of death and everything…Sometimes it would work again, sometimes it wouldn’t…Well, they replaced it but the scanner still doesn’t allow us to scan multiple documents which is a pain in the ass because I have a couple of dozen to scan and email out to assorted people…Kathy, the nice young girl who is the new assistant manager, swore this would be taken care of forthwith, but she was unable to provide a specific…When she told me this I sighed and put my hands on my hips, feigning exasperation, which was pretty funny and made she smile…Not laugh, or even chuckle, but I’ll take the smile.

The trash is already out…They don’t pick it up till Tuesday, however, I like to get it out when I get home Monday morning.

Sparrow Sleep Log: 8:30am to 3:30pm...I thought I’d get a little more in, frankly…I didn’t have the retailer tonight so there was no alarm clock, but we’ll take seven solid hours….I’ve been logging this on my desk calendar…The weeks start on Sunday, of course, so Saturday night I’ll have some figures for the week.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19^th-century British novel of the same name.

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, April 1
You know, I’ve come up with a good way to reckon when winter comes and goes: when ol’ Sparrow needs the winter coat for five (5) consecutive days, winter is here…When I don’t need it for five (5) consecutive days…So, according to Sparrow, Mr Equinox, winter is over…I haven’t put the winter coat away – it’s still hanging on the rocking chair – but it hasn’t been used in at least a week.

In fact, the weather is so nice the lawn will have to be mowed soon…I am not making that up!!!…The downside is The Wife and I didn’t get to raking up the leaves last fall, so that still has to be done.

The ugly blue house across the street is vacant again…I have no idea where the Freeman’s went, but the moving truck was there last week and I thought maybe they split up and only one was leaving, but no, the whole place is empty…There isn’t a For Sale sign either…The For Sale sign is down at the house next to the Freeman’s, the one on the right as you enter town…I checked and he got almost what he was asking for it, which was a lot, if you would have asked me, but he only came down a few thousand dollars from his original asking price…Some modest, mostly unscientific, research shows the value of The Shire is up considerably, too, not that we’re looking to sell cause we’re not, don’t even start.

Slow at the retailer, tho I did get to use a fave technique today…This guy waddled up to the service and said he wanted to buy four bags of mulch…They’re big, too big to lug into the store and he asked what he should do…I went outside with him so he could show me exactly what he wanted and, get this, I took a picture of the barcode!!!…This way I could scan the barcode without having to bring a bag in and the gentleman could pull his truck up…I would to take credit for this splendid innovation, but a customer actually showed this team a year or so ago.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 8:30ish to 3:28…I add the exact minute because the it was five (5) minutes before the alarm was scheduled to go off…Seven hours is pretty good.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19^th-century British novel of the same name.

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, March 31
You’re probably wondering about the status of winter here…It’s all but over and it wasn’t real tough to begin with.

Maybe there is something to global warming…The Wife and I just finished our seventh winter up here and maybe two of them have been tough…Our first one was the easiest of them all, so easy one guy told me at the time it was a good starter winter because long-time readers of this crap know that was my first real winter and the first in a long time for The Wife…This winter wasn’t too tough at all…There were bare spots on the lawn most the time and we didn’t have to put the drop the lights under the car to keep the oil warm at all.

A couple of years ago I was scraping three feet of snow off the top of the carport, but most winters have been tolerable.

Did a four-hour shift at the retailer before reporting to the hotel…We get lots of returns and it’s our job to restock them (called go-backs in the trade) and there were a lot of health and beauty go-backs and I was favored with being allowed to restock them…Good gravy, that was a fiasco because if customers see you handling health and beauty stuff in the health and beauty section they naturally assume you know a lot about health and beauty crap – which I don’t – and they ask you lots of questions about it…And not only where something is, either…One lady wanted specific recommendations about how best to treat her sunburn…Hell,I don’t know…I don’t even particularly care how you treat your lousy sunburn or how you got it in the first place…But there I was playing pharmacist, reading the labels so I could, maybe, sound like I knew what I was talking about.

Doing health and beauty go-backs took so long I was obliged to make closing pages from telephones in the field, either at the phone in the photo lab or in the garden center…Let me tell you something, the phone in the garden center is DIRECTLY under a speaker…It would have been nice to know this in advance so I didn’t wet my pants out of fright, but no matter…It plays havoc with you though, if you’re not careful cause there you are talking and there is your voice, loud in your ear and it is the slightest delay, too, more than enough to completely screw you up because if you’ve never been in this situation hearing yourself at the same time you’re talking in this situation really throws you off.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 8:30am-2:30pm, 6 hours…Starting time, of course, is approximate…I got relieved on time, not a given at either hotel, and I was back at The Shire and in bed before 8am…Some people who work graveyards stay up a while and wake up an hour or two before work, but I’ve worked a lot of graveyard over the years and I’ve always preferred to go to right when I get home.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19^th-century British novel of the same name.

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, March 30
For reasons I am not prepared to explain some of the Africans at the retailer trust me to translate important emails and letters they get…Usually, they’re pretty easy, good for them because one time Ba came to me anxiously because all he recognized was the word ‘Immigration’ on the letterhead and he was worried he was going to be deported…I read it and I forget what it was, but it was something routine and our shorthand is I nod and say OK if it is a good letter, and shake my head and say bad if it is not a good letter…The problem, tho, is I don’t speak Senegal and sometimes it is rather difficult to translate exactly what the thrust of the letter or email is.

Take today…Mamadou showed me an email from his credit card company…It was merely an offer for another credit card…I asked Mamadou if he already had a card with this company – it appeared he had – and he took out his wallet and showed me…I tried to explain it was a new offer with an exciting cash back offer but I might as well have tried to sing Dancing Queen to him for all the good it did…I finally got very basic with him, asking him if he had a credit card, which was stupid because he just showed it to me, and I asked him he wanted another one and he shook his head so I told him no, bad, he doesn’t need this email, which he more or less understood.

When I close at the retailer, as I did tonight, I do the closing pages announcing the store’s imminent closure to our valued customers…I usually start at 9:30, tho sometimes Zach, a graveyard assistant manager, has me start them earlier, but that’s completely whack if you ask me.

Anyway, I’m pretty good at it…I did some radio back in another life and stuff like this easy…One kid named Sergio asked what the secret was and he did this with the same reverence a novitiate might ask a revered monk.

Well, I told him, first you must have an idea what you want to say…You don’t need a script, but have an idea what you are going to say and the order in which you are going to say it…For example, a typical Sparrow page will start with a greeting, an invitation to bring your goddamned purchases up front for checkout and immediate egress, followed by an invitation to return tomorrow when we’ll re-open at 6am…Sometimes I might mix up the order and add wishes for a fabulous rest of their evening…But you’ve got to individualize it, I told Sergio, you can’t copy me…You gotta be yourself…For his part, Sergio said he did a closing page while I was gone last weekend and he said he needed work.

After the shift at the retailer, I went to the hotel…I generally have an hour to kill and I usually go to the convenience store on the other side of town for a couple of low-cal hot dogs and I usually get to the hotel around 10:30 or so…This gives me time to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee.

I actually work at two hotels, both under the same owners and both more or less next door…Friday and Saturday nights I’m at Hotel A and Sunday, Monday and Tuesday at Hotel B.

Just for funsies I’ve begun tracking my sleep…I’m seldom tired even tho I work graveyards five (5) nights a week and 25 hours at the retailer because I schedule my availability at the retailer very carefully, but I am curious how many hours I sleep a week because I only get six sleeps a week and not seven…Last night I got off the retailer at 10pm and was asleep around midnight and I woke up at 8:30, so that’s eight-and-a-half hours.

Snuck lunch in at the Mexican joint in the next county today, too…Before reporting for duty at the retailer at 2pm…I went to go and get the cat some canned yummies and kitty litter and reasons to not have lunch at the Mexican joint did not present themselves.

I don’t even have to order anymore…They know…A quesadilla and a chorizo burrito…It doesn’t change because no one loves routine more than ol’ Sparrow…The day is probably coming when they’ll start my order when my car pulls up instead of when I actually open the front door, saving everybody 15 seconds.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19^th-century British novel of the same name.

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Thursday March 29
I do not work the hotel Wednesday and Thursday night and when I go to bed Wednesday night I sometimes sleep upwards of 14 hours but I was up early today, about 6:30ish, after only ten or so hours…I got some work done on my book. It’s about some issues facing our country and what I would do about them…It’s non-partisan, too, so if you are looking for some ramblings from a minor party whack job candidate, you won’t find it here…I even talked to a guy about ways to charge for it on the Sparrow For Congress site because we are not going to make any noise this election relying on my debit card.

On the days I don’t work at the hotel I generally put in full days at the retailer…I was obliged to take some computer training today and it was really easy because of the three modules due I actually only completed one…Of the two I didn’t do I got full credit for, however…When I clicked on both of them they took me to a screen that asked me if I had completed the training yet…Well, no, had I completed it, it wouldn’t have been on my goddamn to-do list and I wouldn’t have clicked on the goddamned START button…When I clicked no it took me back to the original training screen…After a couple of times of this I got bored and clicked yes, I had completed this training and voila, it was gone and I hadn’t actually done anything!!!…I have no idea what either training module was so who knows if it was something I already knew or something I really needed.

It was the 100th anniversary of the birth of the retailer’s founder – he’s known as Mr Sam in the company – and they had a regular party for him…There was cake for the customers at the exit and cake in the breakroom for us…They even made a card out of a display board for us to sign but I didn’t because it seemed creepy to sign a birthday card for someone who was dead and would never read it because not even the retailer has a creepy enough culture to believe the dead founder is actually still with us.

Before my shift, I was making a couple of Sparrow Specials, a tortilla, with some baloney and cheese on it…I had two, actually, one for the microwave and one to throw some mayonnaise on and eat while the other was heating up…Anyway, Carol, a department manager, noticed it and said she had never seen that before and I advised her she was witnessing a classic from the Sparrow Bachelor Days (SBDs)…Especially when I didn’t want to bother with bread…Carol is a chatty, older lady, a widow, and she got started on what she used to eat and we would make good siblings because she likes fried baloney and braunschweiger, just like I do…She grew up in Minnesota and I asked if she was Lutheran cause that’s the Lutheran promised land and I had 13 years of Lutheran schooling but she said no, she grew up Catholic, though she was mostly over it.

We haven’t had much snow this winter and ski season is winding down anyway, so we weren’t too busy…No matter, tho, I still wear my half-glasses at the edge of my nose while working the service desk, which I think makes me look distinguished.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19^th-century British novel of the same name.

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday March 28
Went for a full shift at the retailer after my shift at the hotel this morning…Those of you keeping score at home might be scratching your heads telling yourself that’s a long day and it is because when I get home about 7pm or so Wednesday night I’ve been up since the previous afternoon…I’m pretty strong, tho, not to mention used to it, so I handle it pretty well, but I will sleep really well tonight…

I’ve been promoted at the retailer, from mere cashier to mere service desk associate…It mainly involves handling returns, cashing checks and wiring money, mainly to Mexico and Jamaica and here in the states…I work about 25 hours a week there, too, about double what I used to.

It was pretty slow early on and Mic and I were talking about something or another and he started talking about his native Senegal…We were talking about women, actually, and he said one woman wasn’t enough for a man and in Africa you got four women and his tone implied your four women were issued to you at the supply hut or something…English is Mic’s seventh or eighth language, by the by, so he is sometimes tuff to understand and from time to time I’ll talk with him in Spanish if our chat isn’t going to be too long.

Got some time today on my old stomping grounds, Aisle 5…There were no bachelor purchases, it wasn’t Saturday night so the lonely hearts were either squirreled away in mommy’s basement or they were manning the convenience stores, but I did get to use my classic “are these snacks or a meal plan line” one woman who bought chips, more chips and a big box of Cheez-itz.

I forgot to mention that I met the new GM at the hotel when I went in Tuesday night…His name is Hadeesh (it is possible, perhaps likely, that I am misspelling that, but here merely said his name and didn’t write it out for me but the pronunciation is right so lay off) and no one, including Hadeesh, is entirely sure if he is permanent or not…The old GM left last week…His name was Dave and he was a pretty good guy…Ran a good shop and was low key and funny.

Janis had left me some food, too, when I went in Tuesday night…You run into this sometimes in the night audit racket: the clerk working swing shift leaves you something…Tonight’s haul was a couple of slices of pizza and a few BBQ wings, which isn’t too bad…There was also a salad, but who cares about that???…Not ol’ Sparrow.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19^th-century British novel of the same name.

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, March 27
I will say this about the cat: she does not wake me up to eat….She realizes I keep odd hours and that a growing boy like me needs his rest…For example, working overnights now I sleep during the days a lot…Like today…I got home after work and actually stayed up till 10am or so farting around because I had slept a lot the night before…I woke up around 7pm, too, a couple of hours past the time when I’m usually up, and she was patient.

Of course, the second I stirred she was on the prowl…Literally, the instant I shed the covers there she is trotting into the bedroom, meowing, the first couple greetings for the day but following that are demands for dinner service…And I produced it, too, don’t doubt that…Well right after getting coffee ready, of course, cause nothing gets in the way of AM coffee…Or, at need, the morning constitutional…But yummies do take precedence over turning on the computer on if you can believe that.

Did a second Sparrow For Congress video after work…I took up a minute of your time talking about trusting your instincts and if your instincts told you our country was on a collision course with peace and prosperity go watch another candidate’s video but if your instincts told you we’re screwed, you’ve found a home at Sparrow For Congress…I added the line from the first video about it being time for us to send a message to rest of our state and the rest of our country that the Third Congressional District was demanding better this Election Day…It’s a pretty good line and I’ll probably use it every time I open my mouth because one of the lessons Hitler taught was the key to success was to say the same thing over and over.

Speaking of coffee, the Wife and I, not for the first time, have separate coffee pots…She is stubborn and insists on drinking coffees that are an instant high…Well, longtime readers of this crap know ol’ Sparrow prefers something mellower, like crack cocaine.

Anyway, a while back at the retailer, I noticed they had a variety of new house brands…Not only that, they were colorfully packaged, so I bought a package of their breakfast blend and donut shop knockoff…Both were really good and I was alternating them when they stopped carrying the breakfast blend because it didn’t sell very well…So now I drink the donut shop knock-off regularly while the Wife drinks crap that has such a high caffeine content that it comes encased in concrete.

The donut shop knock is a pretty good replica of the real Dunkin Donuts coffee that is really my All-Time Fave, but it is more than twice as much as the knockoff…Now, the Wife and I are not broke but I appreciate the savings and the coffee is really good, so what the hell.

The Wife is spending the week with her daughter, so I cleaned the cat box, too.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19^th-century British novel of the same name.

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