Backstairs at the Monte Carlo/August 17 and 19

August 17
The nice thing about working in a casino is that you don’t have to go far for an after-work libation, even at 0700. Your workplace is pleased to offer several full-service bars on the premises.

Houchins, D-Dawg, Matt, Redneck Randy and yours truly retired to the sports bar (the only one open at Monte Carlo at 0700 in August) to celebrate Houchins’ last graveyard shift. He reports for duty on swing shift – which we both trained on – after his weekend. 

Matt had the best line. D-Dawg was on his cell talking to one of the 130 women he is currently dating when Matt said, loud enough for the girl on the other end to hear, “OK Rafa, you can take the dildo out, I’m all done.”

Oh, baby, that had all of us going. Houchins, typically, tried to top it but couldn’t and D-Dawg started laughing so hard he had to retire to a nearby slot bank so he could continue his conversation.

D-Dawg is treading on even thinner ice, if that’s possible. He is still seeing Heidi, whose stock has risen measurably the past couple of weeks, and Maria as well, who has always been a blue-chipper, and now he is working a cocktail waitress. D-Dawg said she just wants to get together and party and ‘do whatever’ and it wouldn’t be anything serious. He even used the words ‘booty call’. I told him to make sure to tell Heidi and Maria this wouldn’t be anything too serious. 

I was Charlie 3 last night. It was pretty harmless, but I enjoy the hotel so much that even one night a week in the casino is a chore now. 

I was manning Eddie – 2 during the 0200 hour when Junior gives me a 21 (phone call), wanting to know if I want a 10-10. Honestly, I don’t particularly need a 10-10. I had gone 482 at midnight and wasn’t particularly hungry and all it was doing at Eddie – 2 was sitting down and enjoying a cup of coffee at leisure chatting with Schempp, who had stopped by, which is pretty much what I’d be doing on 10-10 anyway. Schempp had been sent out to relieve me at Eddie – 2 in case I wanted my 10-10. 

But one of life’s lessons is you must take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves, so even though I would be doing on 10-10 exactly what I was doing manning Eddie – 2, I told Junior sure, I’ll take a 10-10. I even waited the customary five minutes from the time I was cleared for my 10-10 to tell dispatch I was starting my 10-10 even though I never moved from my seat on the bench right outside the door. 

My new shoes completely rule. Offhand, I’m calling it shoe purchase of the year.

August 19
Usually working in the hotel is pretty laid back. You tell people to pipe down so their neighbors can sleep, you let people in their rooms and you seldom find yourself concerned with your personal safety.

Last night, though, was one of those rare moments where you find yourself wondering what could be waiting for you on the other side of a closed door. 

I had been dispatched to a room because their neighbors were whining they were smoking pot. In fact, you could smell it three doors down. 

Invariably everything ends up being OK. The guests involved are invariably mellow and just want to get along. They realize they are in as much trouble as I want to make for them, but we don’t want to make trouble on graveyard and if the guests show a cooperative attitude we will allow them to continue to enjoy their stay here at the lovely Monte Carlo, though the Nazis on swing shift would have them out on their ear quicker than you can say “Pack your bags”.

Still though, and in accordance with MCSD policy which calls for two officers on any 446 (dope) call, I radio for Special Ed to back me up. Because you never know. In addition to the potheads, there could be others doing smack or blow or who knows what else and if I’m going to get shot by some dealers I certainly do not want to get shot alone. Someone is going down with me, goddammit.

So Ed shows up and we knock and get no answer. 

– Henry 1, control, there’s no response.
– Copy. Stand by. 

Junior phones the room but there’s no answer. He tells us to make entry. 

And this is where you wonder what may be on the other side of the door. It’s a very fleeting thought, because Monte Carlo is a classy joint, not some housing project, but you never really know if some Colombians are lying in wait for you until you open the door.

As it was, the room was empty. Visual inspection revealed nothing more lethal than mouthwash and I reported this to dispatch and Ed and I left. 

The EDR has really been mailing it in lately. Usually, they’re pretty average, but this week they haven’t even bothered being average. Everything on the buffet line has been dry or overcooked or otherwise noxious and they’ve been trotting out a lot of deep-fried food lately and the salad bar is being ignored, too. The lettuce looks old and the dressings are always nearly empty and, in a grave crime against humanity, they are always out of croutons. 

Not only that, there haven’t been fresh pastries after 0400 like there usually are. I don’t usually indulge in sweets, but it is nice to walk in on your 10-10 and be able to smell fresh pastries.

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The Diary of a Nobody/June 9

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, June 9
You would think, after enuff time knocking around front desks, that you would have heard everything on the phone.

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The Daily Dose/Tuesday, June 9, 2020

The Daily Dose/June 9, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.

THERE’S ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE: The email came to our address at our county veterans service officer (VSO) job, though we’re not sure if that was a red flag or not. It was from a representative of Vertz Bank in Austria, one Leon Gattis, informing me that Edward Kent, recently deceased and a relative of mine, had left me $850,000. 

Hello (Modest) Retirement: If you’re not greedy and have half a brain, there was an immediate sign you are dealing with a scammer: Mr Gattis wrote me from a gmail address and not from a Vertz Bank email account. But it was a slow day at the VSO and I played along, mainly for personal amusement, and Mr Gattis wrote back and sent some forms, including an application for the release of the funds. Since it didn’t ask for anything more sensitive than a mailing address, I filled it out and sent it back. 

Dry, Technical Matter: The next time I was in the office, two days later, there was an email from an official at the bank, with a bank email account, thanking me for my prompt response, indicating that the government was going to confiscate the money soon and we must act with all possible haste. My application had been received and was in “administrative processing”. His red flag was that his English was substandard. It wasn’t Nigerian email scam bad, but it wasn’t the quality you’d expect of someone in that position. His next email stated I would be required to produce some paperwork, a probate letter, a certified application for the money and a registered death certificate. Since time remained of the essence, it was imperative I go to Austria immediately if not sooner to take care of this. In the extremely rare circumstance I was unable to immediately flee to Austria, contact information for a law firm in Austria was, for my convenience, included. 

Lacking anything better to do, I contacted the law firm and they wrote back soon enough that they would be delighted to arrange everything for a mere $1,750. 

Now We Know: Finally. I was wondering what the scam was. Because I hadn’t been immediately asked for bank account or social security numbers I was beginning to suspect this might be on the up and up, though I was wondering why bankers in Austria were answering emails in the late evening there. 

Way To Go Joe Friday: I’m not a complete idiot and some farting around on their website showed none of their social media links worked and further investigation showed their website was registered to someone in Maine. 

The Bottom Line: We’re delighted to be among the first scammed like this because googling ‘Vertz Bank scam’ turned up nothing and we are still debating whether to snitch to the Feds on them. We’re not snitches by nature, though, and if people are dumb enough to fall for this, that’s their lookout. But be careful. Your instincts will generally tell you when something is a scam. Don’t ignore them, because they’re probably right. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

Read Free Week continues!

The Diary of a Nobody: The gray in Sparrow’s COVID beard will not go away. Today’s Diary.   

I am not pleased at all with that beard wash I’m using to get rid of my gray beard hair…I’m almost thru two tubes and it’s as if the product is called Add Gray because I am seeing no change…On the other hand – and I am not making this up – my chest hair is all dark now!!!…I guess enuff of the stuff has dripped down from my beard while I let it sit after applying it…I don’t think it went from white back to dark on its own. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: We have the Holy Trinity for you today, three entries because they’re all rather short. Among the thrills, Orwad calls off, which makes everybody happy.

The shocker in the four-hole came about because Orwad called off. We do not know why Orwad called off, nor do we particularly care. Maybe the pimp came by and delivered the smackdown, or maybe he has dandruff. Either way, no one was getting too worked up about it, even though the story of the impending pimp smackdown is common knowledge because Orwad did everything but issue a press release on the matter.

Click here get in on the laffs: The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today.

In 1959 – The USS George Washington (SSBN-578), the world’s first nuclear powered ballistic missile submarine, is launched in Groton, Connecticut. She was commissioned in December and conducted her first missile tests the following summer and her first refueling came in 1970, after having sailed over 100,000 nautical miles, about 115,000 statute miles. The George Washington last sailed as a ballistic missile submarine in 1983 to facilitate American compliance with the SALT I treaty and was decommissioned in 1985. 

In 2003 – The New Jersey Devils win the Stanley Cup defeating the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim 3-0 in Game 7 of the finals. It was the third and most recent Stanley Cup win for the Devils, who had also won it in 1995 and 2000. New Jersey scout Marcel Pronovost had his name engraved on the Stanley Cup for the eighth time, 53 years after his first time as a player with Detroit in 1950, a record for time between first and last Cup engravings that still stands. 

In 1984 – Cyndi Lauper is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first of two consecutive weeks with Time After Time. It was the second chart single for Lauper, her second of four consecutive Top 10 hits and her first of two #1 songs (True Colors, two weeks, 1986). The song also went to #1 in Canada and peaked at #78 on Billboard’s soul chart. It was co-written by Lauper and Rob Hyman and a remixed version of the song peaked at #2 on Billboard’s dance chart in 2014.

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.George Bernard Shaw

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Marvin Gaye had three #1 songs on the Billboard Hot 100: I Heart It Through the Grapevine (1968), Let’s Get It On (1973) and Got To Give It Up (Part 1), (1976). 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who were the head coaches of the New Jersey Devils the years they won the Stanley Cup? – Answer next time!

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The Diary of a Nobody/June 8

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, June 8
Busy when I first reported for duty at the hotel tonight…There was an arrival immediately followed by a walk-in…I didn’t really like the walk-ins, a younger couple that seemed sort of fishy…Or perhaps incongruous is a better word…A Hispanic guy and a white chick and he was drunk or stoned or something and she stood three feet away from him whereas couples generally stand close together even if they’re not up for the Couple of Year nomination…And my professional opinion – honed after many years in the hotel racket – was that she was not working…Then the first debit card he offered was declined and the girl muttered something about someone not transferring the money like they were supposed to…The second one went thru, tho, and I ended up having to give them a room. 

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Backstairs at the Monte Carlo/August 12, 13 & 16

August 12
I finally got around to buying a new pair of shoes for work. Allow me to introduce you to the Bates Comfort Flex Sting Ray. I tried to purchase these immediately after I started in January, but they were back-ordered till August. I was going to buy another shoe, but decided August wasn’t all that far away and decided to show some patience. 

As it usually is, patience is rewarded. I’m putzing around the Internet last night when I get an email from our friends at qmuniforms.com announcing that our long national nightmare was over, that Comfort Flex Sting Rays were finally in stock. I checked and they even had my size, 10 wide.

My course of action was clear: I ordered a pair and even forked over for two-day shipping because I want them right now.

I will look totally hot in these bad boys. I have been wearing my Converse Running Ref basketball officiating shoes, which have served me fairly well, actually,  but I’m a security officer, not a basketball ref and it’s about time these things came in. 

August 13
Here was your Henry lineup for last night:

Henry 1 – Old Man Pilcher (OMP)
Henry 2 – moi
Henry 3 – Jose
Henry 4 – Russ

The shocker in the four-hole came about because Orwad called off. We do not know why Orwad called off, nor do we particularly care. Maybe the pimp came by and delivered the smackdown, or maybe he has dandruff. Either way, no one was getting too worked up about it, even though the story of the impending pimp smackdown is common knowledge because Orwad did everything but issue a press release on the matter.

Russ doesn’t work the hotel all that much. He finds the solitude that some of us who do work the hotel enjoy boring and is on record as preferring the casino. 

Russ did get stuck with a report, though. That was a complete clusterfuck. We were sent to the eighth floor because some kids were throwing Jolly Rancher candies out their window. Unfortunately, the outside units who reported this didn’t get the room number right and Russ and I woke up guests in two rooms who had nothing to do with the matter. I then got sent on a guest assist and 88TonyB and 77Rick came up and took charge and eventually we found the culprits. 

August 16
My new Comfort Flex Sting Rays arrived today and oh baby, I’m in love. They fit perfectly and we have another example of it paying to fork over for top quality gear, a lesson I originally learned sports officiating. I am wearing them as I write this, and, to celebrate, I am about to drop and give myself twenty. 

Rich had a really funny line in briefing tonight, the typical, droll, low key line that is Rich’s stock in trade. 

Houchins and I were discussing the delivery of a dinette set I am freeloading off him. I have freeloaded everything in my bachelor pad, except for a couple of coffee tables, but even those were bought at a thrift store and were purchased to compliment some crap someone gave to me. Houchins is not only delivering the table and chairs but is bringing a screwdriver to set the table up with because the only tools I have around the house are a hammer and a tape measure. 

“You do have beer in the frig, don’t you?” Houchins asked. 

I shake my head. I seldom drink beer and never have any in the house. 

“I do have some protein shakes, though.”

“Boy, you’re in for a long day,” Rich said.

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The Daily Dose/Monday, June 8, 2020

The Daily Dose/June 8, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.

USA! USA!: Damn, that was quick. 

The Minneapolis City Council on Sunday voted to pledge to dismantle the police department. No committees, no blue-ribbon panels, no investigations. Anything they do can be vetoed by the mayor, but the council has the votes to override his veto. This came two weeks after George Floyd was killed by a policeman who declined to remove his knee from Floyd’s neck despite the fact Floyd was handcuffed and lying face down on the ground, an incident you may have read about. 

This is, of course, an extreme measure but both Floyd’s killing and America’s response to it are extreme circumstances and perhaps now is the time that white America realizes – after 400 years of oppression – that it’s time to treat blacks like we would like to be treated. 

Good News And Bad News: This will solve the problem because you can’t have police brutality without a police department. On the other hand, you need people with some authority to respond to car wrecks or to do something about the neighbor who’s beating their kids. 

Dry, Technical Matter: Extreme situations, though, require extreme measures and bravo to the Minneapolis city council for realizing this. Perhaps a solution that makes it easier to fire bad cops – or, better yet, ensure they aren’t hired in the first place – comes about. Perhaps we will stop having municipal police departments armed like panzer divisions.  

The Bottom Line: Something needs to be done, of course. Completely doing away with the police is not practical, but George Floyd deserved better than being suffocated while in custody. Somewhere in the middle between police autocracy and complete anarchy is the answer. Somewhere in the middle is a white America finally willing and able to respect those different from them. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow buys some socks. Today’s Diary.  

After the hotel, I headed to the retailer for some milk and I also ended up buying some socks because they have been disappearing lately…I have some zero clue what the deal is…I’ve generally been able to take care of myself since being on my own but for some reason, I can’t keep track of my socks…It’s an age-old problem of course and the only solution is to keep buying more socks…I went all black this time, athletic, working man’s socks from Dickies…Well, the bottoms are gray and I’ve had them before but those have disappeared too, except for one odd one that keeps showing up from time to time…The only problem was I left the bag untouched all day while I slept…I had put it on the kitchen table and neglected to put anything away, so that’s a gallon of milk wasted. 

Backstairs at the Monte CarloIt’s difficult to get out of a conversation with Orwad.

Orwad has a low, grating, monotone voice which is tedious to listen to. Plus he’s boring. Most conversations with Orwad tend to consist of him wondering whether or not he’ll be able to watch the NASCAR race this weekend and how much his brother-in-law pisses him off because all he does is get shitfaced and screw up the brake work on the car they are working on.

Click here get in on the laffs: The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 2009 – Two American reporters, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, are sentenced to 12-years of hard labor after being convicted of illegally entering North Korea. The pair had been arrested in March at the Tumen River on the North Korea/China border after entering North Korea without a visa. They were released in August after former President Bill Clinton visited North Korea and arranged for their pardon and release. 

In 1961 – The Milwaukee Braves become the first team in major league history to hit four consecutive home runs in a 10-8 loss to the Cincinnati Reds. Eddie Matthews, Hank Aaron, Joe Adcock and Frank Thomas connected in the seventh inning for the Braves, who pulled to within 10-7 after the inning. The first two home runs came off of starting pitcher Jim Maloney and the remainder off of Marshall Bridges. The record still stands and the feat has been equaled eight other times, five of them this century. 

In 1968 – Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell are at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart – then known as the Hot R&B chart – for the only week with Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing.  It was the fifth of nine chart singles for the duo and their first of two #1 soul songs (You’re All I Need to Get By, five weeks, 1967). The song also went to #8 on the Hot 100 and was written by Nickolas Ashford and Valerie Simpson, who also provided backup vocals. The song returned to the charts in 1976 when Donny and Marie Osmond took it to #21 on the Hot 100.

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Fighting against destiny seemed impossible for the moment. – Jules Verne, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

John Adams, the future second president of the United States and then representing Massachusetts in the Second Continental Congress, second the Lee Resolution. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

How many #1 songs did Marvin Gaye have on Billboard’s Hot 100? – Answer next time!

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Backstairs at the Monte Carlo/August 11

August 11
So Orwad and I are wrapping up a tough noise complaint on 31 when he tells me how much he really didn’t want to be at work that night. 

This is not as exciting as it sounds. Orwad has a low, grating, monotone voice which is tedious to listen to. Plus he’s boring. Most conversations with Orwad tend to consist of him wondering whether or not he’ll be able to watch the NASCAR race this weekend and how much his brother-in-law pisses him off because all he does is get shitfaced and screw up the brake work on the car they are working on.

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The Diary of a Nobody/June 7

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, June 7
Business remains better at the hotel…47 rooms tonight, tho it will be a slow month…Assistant Front Desk Manager Devani was marking up the whiteboard calendar which lists the groups we have scheduled to come in for the month, mainly for her benefit, to see how many groups really aren’t coming and it was depressing to look at…All of the baseball tournaments for the month have been canceled, tho all of the teams that booked with us still have a couple of active reservations. 

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The Daily Dose/Sunday, June 7, 2019

The Daily Dose/June 7, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was. 

1. USA! USA! More violence as – hardly for the first time – 400 years of oppression meets 400 years of dominance….Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” nation got off easy this time, too. 

2. President Trump’s George Floyd Great Day Crack Our president is an idiot as Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” even most diehard KKK grand wizard shaking head over president’s tasteless remark…The hard question: should we be expecting better from man who believes moon is part of Mars???

3. President Trump’s George Floyd Great Day Crack Here’s the quote…The president was talking about a jobs report that wasn’t as bad as everyone expected: “Hopefully George is looking down right now and saying this a great thing that’s happening for our country,” Trump said. “There’s a great day for him. It’s a great day for everybody.”..First quote to occupy two Sunday Bottom 5 spots “slavery is a good, a positive good” line in 1837. 

4. American Sports Despite fact this season will end right about when next season would normally begin, NHL, NBA forging ahead with plans to conduct playoffs…With quality of play likely to be low due to layoff and no one in stands, American males might decide talking to wife, kids, preferable to watching this on TV…Maybe not, though…America is in third generation of TV being focal point of American life and, like riots after white cops kill black suspects, good luck changing that.  

5. President Trump Fact Check From the Associated Press…Click here for the latest lies, untruths and misinformation from the Liar-in-Chief. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow bought a chair at an estate sale on Friday. Today’s Diary.  

At first, I started in on the books…The selection was modest and dull and it was one of those rare times I could find nothing that even remotely interested me…Then I saw the chair…I’m not smart enuff to know the type offhand – nor interested enuff to look into it – but it was old, came with a matching ottoman and it was plain it was probably pretty elegant in its time…They were looking to move product, too, and immediately an heir to the estate was on me, extolling its virtues and advising an immediate test sit…It was an older lady and she all but pushed me into the seat. 

Backstairs at the Monte CarloD-Dawg and I talk about him dating every single woman at the Monte Carlo.

We agreed that sooner or later he is going to die because all three of them get off work at 0700. These problems are mitigated right now to some extent because Maria, as a non-uniformed employee, is not required to utilize the employee entrance, which is good because currently D-Dawg and Heidi, who are, walk to their cars together.

Click here get in on the laffs: The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1776 – Richard Henry Lee of Virginia presents what history refers to as the Lee Resolution to the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia. The resolution read, in part, that “…these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown…”. The Continental Congress would approve the resolution and declare its independence from Great Britain on July 2 and approve and sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4. 

In 1997 – The Detroit Red Wings win the Stanley Cup, defeating the Philadelphia Flyers 2-1 in Game 4 of the Finals. It’s the eighth Stanley Cup title for the Red Wings and their first since 1955. Detroit would win the Stanley Cup again the following year, and again in 2002 and 2008. 

In 1975 – John Denver is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the only week with Thank God I’m a Country Boy. It was the seventh of 15 Top 40 hits for Denver and his third of four #1 songs. The song also went to #1 in Canada and Yugoslavia and earlier had spent a week at #1 on Billboard’s country chart. The song had been recorded live the previous year and was written by John Martin Sommers, a member of Denver’s back-up band. A version by Billy Dean peaked at #27 on Billboard’s country chart in 2004. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

In Profiles in Courage, he had been the one delivering the verdict, praising eight senators for possessing ”…the breadth of a man above party or section…and, above all, a deep-seated belief in themselves…“. – Thurston Clarke, JFK’s Last Hundred Days

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The first foreign team to win the Little League World Series was from Neuvo Leon, Mexico, in 1957.

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who seconded the Lee Resolution when it was introduced in the Second Continental Congress? – Answer next time!

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The Diary of a Nobody/June 6

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, June 6
There are now two thermometers at the clock-in station at the hotel and the new one appears to be producing correct temperatures…Just for funsies, I used both before reporting for duty and the old one reported a temperature of 90.1 degrees, basically telling me that all bodily functions had ceased, while the new one – tuff to figure out at first – said I was a hale and hearty 98.6, tho even that is suspect because everyone is getting 98.6 from it, so maybe we’re not using it right…For added hilarity, I logged the 90.1 temperature on the screening form. 

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