The Daily Dose/August 11, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was: 

1. Red Flag Gun Laws – Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” America must do something to stem tide that is current American shooting gallery, but do we really want a country where we’re all snitching on everyone else?  
2. Jeffrey Epstein – Alleged child molesters death in NYC jail mid-year favorite for Conspiracy Theory of the Year, though Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” death ordered by long-dead Queen Mother following seance with Prince Andrew, with death carried out by MI5 agents dressed as leprechauns. 
3. Major League Baseball – Attendance still going down harder than whore with fleet in, with 14 of MLB’s 30 teams showing declines, with attendance down another 948,00 fans from 2018, when attendance was down by over 3 million…MLB officials heralding Miami Marlins increase of one (1) fan per game. 
4. The Bottom Ten – Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters cite contractual obligations, not lack of material, for ranking of hilarious feature ranking worst college, professional teams resuming later this month…Click here to enjoy NCAA Week 7 column from last year.  
5. Trump Fact Check – New stalwart in Sunday Bottom 5 five hole, click here for the latest misinformation from America’s Liar-in-Chief…This week from a man unwilling or unable to get facts straight: tariffs and gun control!!! 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow wants to tell this couple to get a room, however, they already have a room. Today’s Dairy.

…then the lone remaining arrival sashayed in…They were a couple and they were both wearing identical fleece jackets, despite the fact it wasn’t even cool out and they were fawning over each other like they were sophomores and it was plain they were still in the attachment mode and even plainer they hadn’t been a couple more than a week or so…They were still feeling each other out, literally, right there in the lobby…Heck, I was about to give them my Visa number.

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

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On This Date
In 1934 – One of History’s more notorious prisons, Alcatraz, on an island in San Francisco Bay, opens its doors to 137 prisoners who had been doing time in Leavenworth, Kansas.  No one was sentenced to Alcatraz, residency there was reserved for the cream of the crop, the worst behaving inmates from other federal penitentiaries and despite the discipline and the rigors some inmates said it was easier time than that offered at other federal prisons. Alcatraz closed in March, 1963 and today it is a museum, attracting about 1.5 million visitors annually. 

In 1984 – Carl Lewis of the United States wins his fourth gold medal of the Los Angeles Olympics, anchoring the 4×100-meters relay team to a win over Jamaica and Canada. Lewis teamed with Sam Graddy, Ron Brown and Calvin Smith to set a new world record with a time of 37.83 seconds. Earlier, Lewis had won gold medals in the 100 and 200-meters and the long jump, equalling a feat accomplished by American Jesse Owens at the 1936 Berlin Summer Olympics. 

In 1973 – Marueen McGovern is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the second and final week with The Morning After. It was the first chart single for McGovern, and although she had five other songs hit the Hot 100, only one hit the Top 40 and The Morning After remains her only #1 song. The song originally appeared in the movie The Poseidon Adventure and was credited as The Song from The Poseidon Adventure and was sung by Renee Armand, doubling for a character in the film. 

Quotebook
But Tim had done his best to dramatize an election in which neither candidate dared to say what he meant to an uneasy people who realized something was seriously wrong with their political system.
Gore Vidal
The Golden Age

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Lou Gehrig hs the lowest percentage of successful stolen bases in a career for someone with at least 200 attempts. He stole 102 bases out of 202 attempts, a 50.3% success rate.

Today’s Stumper
How many Olympic gold medals did Carl Lewis win in his career? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/August 9, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Friends, your Daily Dose will return.

Click here to read today’s edition of The Diary of a Nobody. It’s on the house. Here’s a preview:

The only real problem was discovered when The Wife was unpacking:

“Honey, where are the oars???”

Back at The Shire as it turned out…The Wife, eager to get on the road, had taken charge of packing and had forgotten them…Heroically, she tried jury rig one with a long branch she’d found however neither her sandals nor the top to the first aid kit made a satisfactory paddle… This was of no particular consequence because it spared me the effort of putting air in the Why Not and having to lug it to the lake…Recall I was up early and had lifted and mowed the lawn and I was tired and, between you, me and the lamppost, I was content to sit in a chair and do some reading.

The only real blemish on the day came during lunch, when yours truly was attacked by a hummingbird, causing me to drop half of my sandwich (I had torn it in half for manageability’s sake) causing some dirt to get on the top slice of bread…A trooper, I dusted most of it off, added some more mayo, and ate it anyway…

Thank you for reading,
Gaylon

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The Daily Dose/August 8, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

ME, ME, ME! It is human nature, we suppose, for someone to want to defend themselves and their beliefs. 

A Time To Reap, A Time To Sow: As with everything else, there’s a time for it, though. There is a time to assert yourself and a time to keep your yap shut. The hours and even days following two mass shootings is a good time for the latter. No one is interested in hearing your facts and figures. 

We thought of this recently as we read some figures someone felt our lives would not be complete without knowing. You may have seen it. It was by someone officially Famous, though we don’t get out much and hadn’t heard of the person before. It ran on the planet’s spewfest, Twitter, though his apology ran on Facebook. 

Running The Numbers: Evidently, the 34 mass shooting deaths in the past 48 hours paled in comparison with other types of deaths during the same time frame. For example, in the same time period 200 people died from car accidents, 500 to medical errors, 250 to suicide. There were others. We didn’t fact check them because their accuracy isn’t the point.  

What is the point is, one, it was witless and insensitive to bring it up and, two, the numbers are not particularly relevant. Every nation on the planet has car accidents and suicides and medical errors.

FunFact: No other nation on the planet has mass shootings to the extent America does and few have them at all. 

Dry, Technical, Matter: Every mass shooting and its aftermath is the same. Thoughts and prayers are issued, t-shirts and hashtags saying Insert-City-Strong are issued and people on both sides of the gun control argument trot out the Second Amendment. All of this points to one thing: 

America is broken. 

We have been at war every day for the past 30 years. Our current spending and accumulated national debt are almost beyond comprehension. Those two elements themselves are enough to destroy our country, perhaps before this half-century is out. 

Oh Yeah: Our biggest problem though, is our deep social divides. Rich vs. everyone else paced by the Democrats that want to tax the rich so they can pay for things to give to the not rich. Whites vs. everyone else, paced by a racist president who has grand wizards from Charleston to Biloxi achieving states of arousal they haven’t seen since prom night.  

Well, Now Wait A Second: Actually, the biggest problem is an America electorate that is putting up with this nonsense. Every two years we keep reelecting a partisan, fractured and bickering government and every two years we keep getting partisan, fractured and bickering government. Long after America has collapsed, when there are all new people on this planet and they look back at us, they won’t have to wonder what happened because it will be obvious:

American voters refused to demand better.   

USA! USA! The good news is the solution to America’s problems looks us in the mirror every morning because there is no problem a united America cannot solve. Concerned and conscientious, participating and demanding citizens can deliver an America we can be proud of again. 

But we must demand better at the ballot box. It’s up to us – you and me, we the people – to make it right. Until we do, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow meets some serious drinkers at the hotel, while at the VSO he sees what’s shaking at the department staff meeting. Today’s Diary. 

Just for funsies, I went to part of the 1400 welfare department staff meeting…Not everyone was there, but I was still the only guy and to start we each listed two true statements and one false statement about ourselves and the others had to guess the lie…My three were: 

• Avid reader
• Former TV newscaster
• Mostly retired sports official. 

I am not particularly surprised my valued co-workers picked former TV newscaster as the lie, but I was rather dismayed at how quickly everyone pounced on it…I was hoping for, at least, even a second or two of thought, maybe even some anguish over it, but nooooooooo…TV newscaster was dismissed immediately. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

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On This Date
In 1974 – President Richard Nixon announces his resignation, in a speech from the Oval Office. He was succeeded the following day by Gerald Ford. The speech cited highlights of his presidency and looked toward the future, which received mixed reviews. Some applauded the fact it did not dwell on current circumstances, while others derided the lack of contrition. The speech was written by Nixon’s chief speechwriter Richard Price, who had written both his inaugural addresses, as well as President Gerald Ford’s speech pardoning Nixon. 

In 1900 – The first Davis Cup competition – then known as the International Lawn Tennis Challenge – begins at the Longwood Cricket Club near Boston. Thought up by four members of the Harvard tennis team, the first opponents were from Great Britain and the US won the competition 3 matches to zero, with the fourth match not finished and the final match not played. The Davis Cup is named after Dwight Davis, who played in the first competition and who paid for the trophy. The challenge was not played in 1901, but resumed in 1902 and first featured other countries (France and Belgium) at the 1904 competition in London. 

In 1960 – Hank Locklin is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Sides chart – for the 13th of 14 consecutive weeks with Please Help Me, I’m Falling. It was the second and final #1 for Locklin on the country chart and the second of his nine Top 10 country hits. The song also peaked at #8 on Billboard’s Hot 100, Locklin’s only Top 40 pop hit, and was the third of only five #1 country songs for the year.

Quotebook
Amid world beating hearts, the tumult and the shouting starts.
Grantland Rice
The Start

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The Oscar for Best Original Song for the year 1982 was won by Up Where We Belong. The song was written by – and the award issued to – Jack Nitzsche, Buffy Sainte-Marie and Will Jennings and was sung by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes.

Today’s Stumper
When was the first Davis Cup not played on grass contested? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/August 7, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: The Kirby vacuum cleaner, back from the repair shop, gets good action at The Shire. Today’s Diary. 

Boy, The Wife is going ga-ga over the new, properly-maintained Kirby vacuum…She’s been walking around with a dreamy look in her eye, like a schoolgirl with a new crush and the second I woke up this evening she had it plugged in and was working on the living room…She showed it off, too, noting the different heights it can work at and the hi-beam light that could probably provide reliable service at a rock concert…I was suitably impressed, of course, tho it should be noted this was equivalent of the first thing in the morning for me – I hadn’t even had coffee yet – so I wasn’t in complete rapture…Still, tho, its a hell of an appliance…You can actually feel the difference when you walk on it barefoot. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

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On This Date
In 1959 – The design of the US penny changes, with the Lincoln Memorial replacing the words “One Cent” and a couple sheaves of wheat on the reverse side. The Lincoln penny debuted in 1909. It was the first US currency to feature an actual person and was issued to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Lincoln’s birth and the obverse side with Lincoln’s profile remains the longest-used design of any US money still in use. Since 1982, the penny has been mostly copper-plated zinc with a small amount of copper and the official name is the one cent piece. 

In 1988 – The Seattle Mariners establish a new major league record with five sacrifice flies in 12-7 victory over the Oakland Athletics. Seattle sets the record with scoring fly balls by Alvin Davis, Rey Quinones, Jay Buhner, Darnell Coles, and Jim Presley. The Mariners would become one of the few teams to tie a major league record they’d already set by doing this again in 2008 and the record was also tied by the Colorado Rockies in 2006. The records still stand. 

In 1982 – Eye of the Tiger by Survivor is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the third of six consecutive weeks. The song also went to #1 in eight other countries, including Finland and South Africa, was Billboard’s second biggest hit of the year and ranked 26th on Billboard’s 60th Anniversary Hot 100 last year. The song earned Survivor a Grammy Award for Best Rock Rock Vocal Performance by a Duo or Group and was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Original Song. Eye of the Tiger was Survivor’s second of nine Top 40 hits and remains their only #1 song.

Quotebook
The man who finds the smell is the one who sniffs.
Nicholas Monsarrat
Smith and Jones

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The second and third of Andy Gibb’s three consecutive #1 songs were (Love Is) Thicker Than Water and Shadow Dancing.

Today’s Stumper
What song won the Oscar for Best Original Song for 1982? – Answer next time!

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