The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 16 – NCAA Final
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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 16 – NCAA Final
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
The Bataan Death March that was the 2016 quest for the ESPNCup – symbolic of Bottom Ten supremacy – is over, with Fresno State surviving as not only the nation’s only one (1)-win team, but as holder of the nation’s longest losing streak, 10 games.
The 2016 Bottom Ten Hardware is ready to be handed out: the ESPNCup, the Tostitos Plaque, the Continental Cup and the Sgt Bilko Trophy, the Conference of the Year Award and, not to mention berths on the coveted Bottom Ten medal stand. Thank you for reading. Few enjoy do anything as much as we enjoy writing The Bottom Ten.
This year’s final solution:
- Fresno State (1-11; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Bulldogs shot glass runneth over, as historic 2016 campaign claims both first ever B-10 title and Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win, as current ten (10)-game skid best in nation…Bulldogs show mettle deserving of B-10 title holder, losing games by one (1), two (2) and (5) points, plus a double OT thriller by six (6)…Bulldogs showed they could lose not-so-close ones, too, as average Margin of Defeat was 13.2 points.
FunFact: Bulldogs play it old school in 2016, showing football games still lost in the trenches, as complete inability run the ball, stop others from running it, pave way to B-10 glory.
2017 Outlook: Strong…Bulldogs have gone from three (3) wins in 2015 to one (1) this year and will be looking to run the table in 2017.
2. Rutgers (2-10; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Scarlett Knights celebrating return to B-10 glory, as Rutgers finishes on B-10 medal stand for first time since 1869 squad split first two college football games ever…Rutgers makes big pitch for Worst Ever Big Ten Team honors, losing conference games by average score of 40-to-9.5…
FunFact: Rutgers excelled in all aspects in 2016, ranking Dead Last in Total Offense and Net Punting, Next-To-Dead-Last in Scoring Offense and Next-to-Next-To-Dead-Last in Rushing Defense.
2017 Outlook: As Northwestern and Indiana have shown, it’s not too difficult to be real bad for a long time in the Big Ten, so Rutgers fan(s) might be in for a long stretch of B-10 medal stand finishes.
3. UMess (2-10; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Minutemen back on B-10 medal stand for second time in past four (4) years…Only wins came against lower-level school and then-unvictoried Florida International squad…UMess still has not posted winning season as a major division programs since 1904 squad finished 5-2-1 and still has not beaten major division team that finished season with winning record since beating Holy Cross in 1901.
FunFact: Minutemen claim medal stand spot based in part on final three-game swing through Alabama, Utah and Hawaii, giving B-10 regional pollsters an opportunity to see UMess train wreck up close.
2017 Outlook: Hard to say…2017 features likes of Maine, Old Dominion and Coastal Carolina, but also real teams, too.
4. Texas State (2-10; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Bobcats just miss out on B-10 medal stand, but season-ending eight (8)-game skid still more than enough to secure first ever B-10 finish…Consistency key for Bobcats, ranking 124th in Scoring Offense (18.6 ppg) and 125th in Scoring Defense (41.1 ppg)…Special teams not any good, either, as Texas State ranks 126th in Kickoff Returns, averaging just under 50 feet a return despite fact kicking team starts 60-yards away.
FunFact: Bobcat athletic department staffer(s) petitioning NCAA for “technically winless season” designation as only wins came against MAC team, lower level school.
2017 Outlook: B-10 pollsters taking wait-and-see attitude, not entirely convinced Bobcats want B-10 success badly enough.
5. Mid-American Conference
Mitigating Factors: In closest race in recent memory, MAC takes coveted B-10 Conference of the Year Award, just edging out Sun Belt Conference and Conference USA…Though all three conferences had lousy non-conference records and similar number of teams with losing records, MAC gets nod based on having nation’s-best four (4) losses to lower level opponents.
Maybe You Guys Could Get A Grant For New Material Next Year Or Something: MAC did come back strong for .500 mark in conference play.
2017 Outlook: It’s been a while since Sun Belt Conference – which used to win this award annually – took Conference of the Year honors, and B-10 pollsters fully expect them to reassert their dominance.
6. Notre Dame (4-8; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Losses to Navy and Duke, three (3) two (2)-game losing streaks and blowout loss to arch-rival USC, plus exciting vacating of wins following academic scandal, all combine to return Irish to final B-10 survey for first time since 2007’s iconic 3-9 squad.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters always grateful for opportunity to rank snobbish Irish, as 2016 will be just 15th time since Irish started going to bowl games in 1969 they will not be playing in postseason.
2017 Outlook: Not good…The Holy Trinity does not take losing all that well and Irish have not had consecutive losing seasons since 1985-86 (and before that 1887-88) so B-10 staffers expected to put Irish pennants away for a few years.
7. Earlham (0-10; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Quakers shake, rattle and lose way to first-ever Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 33-game skid…Like all great B-10 teams, Earlham got better as season progressed, giving up season low 28-points in opener and season-high 74 points in finale…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this 46-point spread “pretty much a record of some sort”.
FunFact: Earlham making big pitch for B-10 Small College Team of the Decade honors, with fifth (5th) winless season of decade and 3-67 record since 2010.
2017 Outlook: 2017 squad expected to be long on inexperience as only seven seniors expected to suit up as most Earlham football players say screw it after sophomore year.
8. Navy (9-4; lost to Army 21-17)
Mitigating Factors: Losses to Air Force and Army give Navy Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness…Navy hampered by President-elect Trump’s directive requiring service academies that have won at least 14 straight games against another service academy to “lose one or two” to give other team a morale boost.
FunFact: Navy only second team this century besides Army to win Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – joining 2007 Notre Dame squad which lost to Navy and Army.
Next Loss: vs Louisiana Tech, Armed Forces Bowl, Ft Worth, Texas, December 23
9. Trilateral Commission (13-23; Duke, Rice and Vanderbilt: DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Hilarious joint entry back in final B-10 survey as no team – each a longtime B-10 standard bearer – bad enough to warrant own, separate ranking…Rice got off to strong 0-6 start, but late two-game win streak took them out of B-10 title contention…Duke – the B-10 Team of the Decade for the Double Aughts – back in final B-10 survey after four (4) consecutive bowl berths as Bleu Devils frantically try to return to heights of B-10 glory
FunFact: Vanderbilt off to play in Biscuit World Bowl Presented By Velveeta after stellar 6-6 season…Despite .500 finish, Commodores still hampered by turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments, as group of Japanese exchange students that took over play calling duties kept trying to be polite and give ball to opponents by punting on every down.
2017 Outlook: B-10 pollsters always look forward to strong B-10 runs from these teams and one or two – and sometimes all three – can usually be counted on to appear throughout the season.
10. Kansas (2-10; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks left on outside of candy store looking in as catastrophic win over Texas erases chance of repeat B-10 title, coveted medal stand berth and even another Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win…Jayhawks still in hunt for B-10 Team of the Decade honors, as 14-70 record, one (1) B-10 (10) title and two (2) Tostitos Plaques still nothing to sneeze at.
FunFact: Jayhawks still able to hold head up at B-10 awards banquet, as 41-game road losing streak still best in nation.
2017 Outlook: Solid…Jayhawks need to do some soul searching this offseason, but if attitude remains lousy, other elements in place for strong B-10 run.
The Daily Dose/December 10, 2016
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Go Mount Union!
The Daily Dose/December 10, 2016
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
HUT, HUT, HIKE: Official Daily Dose Faves, the cavalcade known as the Mount Union Purple Raiders football team, continues its trek to the 2016 NCAA Division III national football championship today, stopping in some gawd-awful Texas backwater to take on Mary Hardin-Baylor in the national semifinals.
Breakdown Segment: Despite the fact they sound like an entry in the NCAA tennis regionals, Mary Hardin-Baylor has a football program deserving of respect.
Fly In The Ointment: Well, as much respect as you can have for a program that has won zero (0) national championships – twelve fewer than Mount Union – though they were national runners-up in 2004.
Back On Message: This will be the Crusaders third appearance in the national semifinals, and all have been against the Mount Union Purple Raiders!
The series is tied 1-1. In 2004 the evil Crusaders beat our beloved Raiders 38-35 and in 2012 Mount Union won 48-35.
Oh Yeah: The Crusaders (13-0) are 12-time defending champions of the American Southwest Conference
Getting To Know You: Mary Hardin-Baylor was founded in 1845 as Baylor Female College. Despite its founding as a chick college, guys attended for the first few years, until they were separated. In 1886 both the female and male colleges relocated to their current location: Baylor Female College to Belton and Baylor to Waco. Baylor Female College became Mary Hardin-Baylor in 1934, after the Hardins gave the school a lot of money and it became fully coeducational in 1971. Their athletics programs spent many years in the NAIA before joining the NCAA around the turn of the century.
Road Raiders: Mount Union appears to be completely at home on the road. Today’s game is their tenth road game this year – next week’s Amos Alonzo-Stagg Bowl in Salem, Virginia will be their eleventh – and they are the first team to win three road games to reach the national semifinals.
More Running The Numbers: Mount Union is in the national semifinals for – and we are not making this up – the 22nd consecutive year. They have played in the Amos Alonzo-Stagg Bowl every year since 2005.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: Our Purple Raiders are looking for their 13th Division III national championship, a record for teams playing playoff football.
Yeah, Yeah, Whatever: Mount Union will take on the winner of the John Carroll/Wisconsin-Oshkosh-By-Gosh semifinal. It’s the second meeting of the year for them, with UW-Oshkosh-By-Gosh winning the season opener 33-14.
A Fond Remembrance: Last year in the national semifinals, Mount Union defeated the bastards from UW-Wherever 36-6.
IT’S GREAT TO BE THE KING, UNLESS YOU’RE NOT THE KING: King Edward of Great Britain and other assorted places signs the Instrument of Abdication that leads to the end of his reign as King of England on this date in 1936.
This caused a bit of a bloody problem because there was no provision anywhere for a sovereign to abdicate. Traditionally you became sovereign when someone, probably your mom or dad, died and you stopped becoming sovereign when you died. So Edward could not merely resign. He had to produce an Instrument of Abdication, which announced his intention to abdicate the throne. Then parliament had to produce an act which approved of Edward’s abdication.
The King Has Abdicated! Long Live The King: Even this wasn’t enough, because then Edward had to give his assent to the act of parliament. Once he did this, the following day, his brother Albert took the throne as King George IV.
Hey Batter, Batter: The American League decides to give the designated hitter a three-year trial run on this date in 1972.
It was not a new idea. Pitchers by and large never could hit and Philadelphia A’s owner Connie Mack proposed the DH in 1906. The American League would make the DH permanent three years later. The National League still forces pitchers to bat.
Get Your Daily Dose Policy Right Here: We are pro-DH here at the Daily Dose. Who the hell wants to see a pitcher hit? We don’t. Anybody who talks about the purity of the game or the glories of a sacrifice bunt or how they miss the strategy the DH takes away can go play chess. There’s enough strategy there.
Thought For The Day: …the sage is not bound to poverty; if wealth comes to him honestly he must take it; but he must be capable of abandoning it at any time without serious regret. – Will Durant, The Story of Civilization, Vol. III, Caesar and Christ
Answer To The Last Trivia Question: Rod Blagojevich is the only Illinois governor to be removed from office.
Today’s Stumper: The Trivia feature will return.
The Daily Dose – December 9, 2016
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Those zany Ghanaites, or whatever they’re called
The Daily Dose/December 9, 2016
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
THOSE ZANY AFRICANS: United States embassy officials in Accra, Ghana broke up a counterfeit document ring operating out of a fake US embassy – also in Accra – recently. Three days each week in the morning fake embassy personnel would run an American flag up a flag pole and illegally sell US passports, visas and other useful documents, like bank and education records and birth certificates.
Trust Us, We’re Funny: What’s funny is not the fact a fake embassy was in operation. People will do a lot to make a buck, some of it illegally, and it was not the Upset of the Year to find some trailblazing entrepreneurs open a fake embassy to make a buck or two.
LOL: No, what’s funny is one, it operated for ten years! And in the same city as the real US Embassy!
What in the hell were our embassy personnel up to? They ran a US flag up a flagpole and put a sign up for Pete’s sake. They were issuing US passports. You would think that over the course of a decade, which is ten years, someone from the embassy would somewhere hear something.
Whew: The documents were all legitimate. They were, however, stolen, and the going rate for a folio of assorted, stolen American documents was $6,000.
USA! USA! This almost defies comprehension. A fake embassy or consulate in another city? Sure, you could see that staying open for ten years. But to have it operate in the same city as an American embassy? Well, somebody must have been paying someone very well.
We’re Shocked, Too: Which is what happened. Assorted Turkish and Ghanian criminals are the lead suspects, and they are suspected of bribing assorted Ghanian authorities to look the other way.
Dry, Technical Matter: Ghana is a country in Africa, which is a continent on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, south of Europe and Asia.
FunFact: The Atlantic Ocean is the body of water that runs along the east coast of the United States.
Oh Yeah: A fake Dutch embassy was also shut down.
I DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR: P.B.S. Pinchback, the son of a white father and free black mother, because the first black to serve as governor of a state, taking the oath of office as governor of Louisiana on this date in 1872. He replaced Henry Warmoth who was being impeached by the rascals in the legislature. Pinchback would serve until Warmoth’s term ended six weeks later.
FunFact: Later, Pinchback would win contested elections to both the US House and Senate, though both chambers refused to seat him
Hut, Hut, Hike: The first Heisman Trophy, then known as the Downtown Athletic Club Trophy – is awarded for the first time on this date in 1935. It is awarded to University of Chicago halfback Jay Berwanger.
The University Of Chicago? Yes. The Maroons played major college football back then, and in fact a found member of the Big Ten, winning seven Big Ten football titles before leaving in 1940.
Dry, Technical Matter: Berwanger would later become the first pick in the first NFL draft the following year. He was drafted by Philadelphia, who traded his rights to Chicago for a tackle. Berwanger and the Bears couldn’t agree on a contract, and Berwanger never played pro football, a decision he later would say he regreted.
Great Moments In Rod Blagojevich: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is arrested by federal authorities on this date in 2008 on assorted charges, including selling the United States Senate seat being vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.
Blagojevich would be impeached by the Illinois House and tried, convicted and removed from office by the Illinois Senate the following month. This had no bearing on his federal case, and he would be convicted of one of 24 charges in August, 2010. The jury was hung on the other charges and Blagojevich was convicted on 17 counts in June, 2011. He is serving his 14-year sentence in Colorado and could be eligible for early release in 2024.
Thought For The Day: …they decided that to eat state corn in the city was better than to sweat on the land…Sloth combined with superstition…Wealth mounted, but did not spread. – Will Durant, The Story of Civilization, Volume III: Caesar and Christ
Answer To The Last Trivia Question: The first collegiate sporting even in the United States was the Harvard/Yale regatta, first rowed on August 3, 1852. It has been held continuously since 1859.
Today’s Stumper: How many Illinois governors have been impeached, tried and removed from office? – Answer next time!