The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 14
America’s Funniest Guy on Facebook!
The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 14
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
They made it.
The Cleveland Browns are 0-12 and head into their bye with both the Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – and the immortality of an 0-16 season clearly in sight.
While some Cleveland fan(s) might bemoan the loss of momentum of a bye week, others say the rest from the rigors of playing twelve (12) straight NFL (NFL) games will do them well.
In other news, all eyes will be on Chicago this week, as two-thirds of the Bottom Ten medal stand meet, with the loser a shoe-in to replace Cleveland at number one for a week.
This week’s mess, as nags are at the head of the stretch:
- Cleveland Browns (0-12; lost to New York Giants 27-13) – Browns steady as she goes, with 58-yards rushing and three (3) turnovers maintaining perfect record in chase for B-10 glory…Browns can’t rest on laurels during bye week, as internal dissension, lousy film sessions will be key to B-10 stretch run…Browns tenth (10th) team start NFL season 0-12……Next Loss: Cincinnati (Dec. 11)
2. San Francisco 49ers (1-10; lost to Miami 31-24) – 49ers gracious guests, as two (2) turnovers magically turn into ten (10) Miami points…Big game against Bears Sunday could be for B-10 title if Browns somehow manage a win…Next Loss: at Chicago
3. Chicago Bears (2-9; lost to Tennessee 27-21) – Bears show cursory early interest, leading 7-0 before catching fire and getting outscored 27-0…Bears glad to have not gotten caught looking ahead to Sunday’s showdown in third (3rd) straight loss…Next Loss: San Francisco
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9; lost to Buffalo 28-21) – To show he’s serious about beheadings if team does not win B-10 title, owner Genghis Khan has coaching staff dressing in orange jump suits around team complex, sends them all complimentary sets of Ginsu knives…Next Loss: Denver
5. New York Jets (3-8; lost to New England 22-17) – Jets show mettle of B-10 contender, blowing two leads in impressive third (3rd) straight loss…Consecutive October wins really have Jets fan(s) wondering what might have been this B-10 campaign…Next Loss: Indianapolis (Dec 5)
6. Cincinnati Bengals (3-7-1; lost to Baltimore 19-14) – Game not as close as score indicated, as Ravens gave Bengals two (2) points on safety on game’s final play…Bengals cannot get caught looking ahead to Dec 11 showdown with Browns, as lack of focus could produce win over Eagles this week…Next Loss: Philadelphia
7. AFC North(15-29-1) – With Baltimore and Pittsburgh tied for first with 6-5 marks and Cleveland and Cincinnati mailing it in, AFC North easy pick for weekly Pete Rozelle Award, issued to league’s worst division…Bengals and Browns have combined to lose or tie 16 straight games.
8. Philadelphia Eagles (5-6; lost to Green Bay 27-13) – Five wins a bit much for B-10 medal stand consideration, but Eagles have lost four (4) of last five (5) and can make big strides with loss to Bengals this week…Next Loss: at Cincinnati
9. US Media – Continues to report witless ramblings of president-elect Donald Trump as real news…Had a genuine, working US news media been in place when Trump announced his candidacy for GOP nomination, Trump would never have made it to the first primary…Next Loss: Our entire way of life, as nation collapses before half-century is out.
10. Donald Trump – You know, maybe it’s a bit much to expect a president-elect to have specific knowledge of the 1967 Supreme Court decision that made it unconstitutional to strip someone of citizenship as punishment, but couldn’t a staff member Googled “Supreme Court” and “Loss of Citizenship” beforehand, just for funsies???
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: San Francisco at Chicago
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Philadelphia at Cincinnati
The Daily Dose/November 30, 2016
Visit America’s Funniest Guy on Facebook!
The Day In Trump…
The Daily Dose/November 30, 2016
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
STEP AWAY FROM THE TWITTER ACCOUNT MR TRUMP: President-elect Donald Trump was back at it this week, announcing that people who burn the American flag should face a loss of citizenship or, perhaps, spend some quality time in jail.
This policy, announced not in a substantive forum but on his Twitter account, shows we should keep expectations low for the Trump Administration.
#LetsGoToCanada: Forget the fact in 1990 the Supreme Court said flag burning was protected by the First Amendment and that in the 1960’s they said the stripping of citizenship as a punishment for crimes was unconstitutional. These are not the words or actions of a man of substance, of a man ready to lead the United States. They’re the words of a blatherskite whose only real talent is drawing attention to himself.
Get Your Notebooks Out, Class Is In Session: Which, of course, he does brilliantly. Better than anyone, really. No one has played us or plays the media better than Trump has and will. A real, working media would’ve had Trump out of the race for the GOP nomination with 20 minutes of his announcing his candidacy, but we don’t have a working media anymore.
Gee, Thanks Guys: The media has lapped up everything Trump has said from Day One, offering his witless ramblings as real news instead of ignoring them. We have a media that is as much entertainment as a prime-time comedy and the reward for that is one D Trump is now working on his inaugurations speech.
Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: Trump was an embarrassment as a candidate and there is no reason to think he will be anything less as president. The biggest plank of his platform was the insult and he offered no substantive policy initiatives. We elected him anyway.
More Exciting Daily Dose Policy!: Personally, people can burn all the flags they want for all we care. We rode a diesel submarine in the Navy to protect a malcontent’s right to protest, Because there are elements of our country that deserve protesting. We protest, too, though our protests tend to center around running for election to the United States Senate or House of Representatives.
And we’ve burned flags over the years, too. Dozens of them, though it should be noted it was in the context of a flag retirement ceremony, in our role as commander of an American Legion post.
USA! USA! Representatives of the United States and Great Britain sign preliminary peace articles ending the American Revolution on this date in 1782. The articles led to the Treaty of Paris signed the following year
The American delegation, featuring Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, John Jay and Henry Laurens, had been negotiating with not only Britain, but also France and Spain, but the French were getting snitty and in September the Americans began negotiating exclusively with the British. The treaty is generally considered to have been very generous to the United States.
Dry, Technical Matter: The United States Congress of the Confederation would ratify the Treaty of Paris in January, 1784, the British in April and everyone exchanged ratified versions of the treaty in May.
Great Moments In Boredom: The first international soccer match is held on this date in 1872 as the national teams of Scotland and England play to – what else – a 0-0 tie. The match was played in Scotland, before a spellbound crowd of 4,000.
War Is Hell: The Soviet Union invades Finland on this date in 1939 after Finland declined to turn over territory the Soviets had demanded.
Though the war would end the following year in a Soviet victory, their losses were high. The Finnish army dressed in white in the snow and the Soviets lost well over 125,000 soldiers, while Finland losses about 25,000.
It’s Raining Rocks: Ann Hodges, a 34-year-old housewife napping on her couch in Oak Grove, Alabama, is struck by a portion of a meteorite on this date in 1954.
Dry, Technical Matter: Despite the fact meteors fall from the sky all the time and there are a lot of people, Hodges remains the only verified injury from a meteorite in human history. There is an Italian manuscript laying around somewhere that states a friar was killed by a meteorite in the 17th-century and in 1992 a boy in Uganda was hit by a small fragment that had bounced off a tree, but Hodges, who received a nice sized bruise on her left abdomen, remains the only known injury.
Oh, Jesus H: The Hodges’ and their landlord then bickered about who the fragment belonged to, with the landlord withdrawing his claim in exchange for $500. The Hodges were unable to cash in and eventually gave the fragment to a local museum.
Oh Yeah: Ms Hodges later had a nervous breakdown, her marriage ended and she died in 1972 of kidney failure.
Thought For The Day: In this old world, there is nothing new but ourselves. – Gore Vidal, Creation
Answer To The Last Trivia Question: Dave Ritchie of the Montreal Wanderers scored the first goal in NHL history, on December 19, 1917. The Wanderers defeated the Toronto Arenas 10-9.
Today’s Stumper: Of the ten articles that made up the Treaty of Paris and ended the American revolution, which is the only article still in force? – Answer next time!
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 14 – The Interregnum Poll!
America’s Funniest Guy on Facebook!
The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 14
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Despite the fact conference championship games are scheduled for this weekend, there are still two (2) more weekends of regular season games remaining, including an entire slate of thrilling Sun Belt Conference action.
Since some of these games will influence the issuing of the Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – not to mention the coveted Bottom Ten Conference of the Year award, the final 2016 Bottom Ten will not run until next spring.
We kid. It will actually move Tuesday, December 13, after all regular season games are completed. Next week the traditional Bottom Ten/Bowl Game edition will run.
So as the ESPNCup, the Tostitos Plaque, the Continental Cup, are all getting gussied up and readied for shipment to the 2016 Bottom Ten laureates, please enjoy the now-annual Bottom Ten Week 14 Interregnum Poll.
This week’s imbroglio
- College Football Playoff – A BCS-type fiasco was bound to happen and there’s one this year, as outside of an SEC champion Alabama no one is a lock to qualify for four (4)-team invitational, captivating an entire country the way a real NCAA Division I football playoff never would…Thanks college football playoff!
2. Ohio State – Buckeyes so good they are likely to qualify for CFP despite not being good enough to qualify for Big Ten title game…Thanks College Football Playoff!…Buckeyes on B-10 medal stand for first time since 1923 squad started season 1-2-1.
3. Penn State – School whose football team probably should’ve been sent back to the stone age after assistant coach caught taking showers with ball boys, back on center stage playing for Big Ten title Saturday…Entirely possible they could win the game and not get invited to College Football Playoff despite having beaten Ohio State on the field in an official Big Ten game.
4. NCAA Division I Football Playoff – Whoops, this doesn’t exist!!!…Despite the fact a 32-team NCAA Division I football playoff could begin Thanksgiving weekend and end on New Year’s Day, would become an American classic quicker than you could say “Electoral College” and would make everyone a pile of cash, the NCAA does not sponsor a major division football playoff…Thanks NCAA!!!
5. Continental Cup – Beloved B-10 hardware – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – all set to go to Division III Earlham with 33 straight losses, but B-10 pollsters want to send special shout out to Lewis and Clark College and Grove City College, who are in hot pursuit with 32 and 30 losses respectively…In fact, if Lewis and Clark could’ve been bothered to play, and lose, a tenth game in 2016, they would’ve earned a share of the Continental Cup!..Thanks College Football Playoff!!!
6. 2016 Week 1 Bottom Ten – B-10 pollsters humming on all cylinders when they lifted the manhole cover on 2016 as no more than two (2) teams ranked in Week 1 have a chance at being ranked in 2016’s final survey…Way to go Bottom Ten pollsters!!!…Shots for everyone!!!…Thanks open bar tab!!!
7. College Football Bowl Season – 40 bowls, 80 teams and a whopping 77 teams with the six (6) wins required to qualify for a meaningless exhibition sponsored by companies that make underwear or produce chicken and hosted by fat guys in ugly blazers…This means that once again teams with losing records will qualify for postseason games…Thanks college football!!!
8. Dahala Khagrabari – Once the planets only third-order enclave, as a part of India that was in a Bangladeshi enclave that was part of an Indian enclave in Bangladesh proper…Making its first appearance in B-10 survey because B-10 pollsters really hurting for material this week…Two countries actually settled this matter a few years ago, as all enclaves – and there were a lot – reverted back to mother country, with displaced residents given choice of beheadings, being sold into slavery…Thanks College Football Playoff!!
9. Trilateral Commission – Hilarious past and probably future B-10 entry has only made sporadic, recent B-10 appearances lately…Duke and Vanderbilt – long fave whipping posts of B-10 pollsters – teamed up for pretty OK 10-14 combined mark in 2016 …Only Rice upheld usual low standards, chasing B-10 title until tragic, late season loss eliminated them from contention.
10. Louisiana – Famous Dead Person – Another hilarious joint entry turning in a bad but not bad enough season…UL-Monroe and UL-Lafayette are a combined 9-13 heading into their showdown Saturday, with the loser being awarded the Billy Cannon Certificate, symbolic of Cajun football ineptitude.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New Mexico State at Georgia Southern
Lousy Conference Championship Game of the Week: San Diego Statenat Wyoming
Sun Belt Conference Thriller of the Week: Arkansas State at Texas State
The Thought for the Day – Deng Ming-Dao
More and more this mysterious life comes together
It may take years to reveal the whole
That’s all right
I’m prepared to go the distance
– Deng Ming-Dao, 365 Tao
Planning a life is tricky business. We all want to accomplish things. The balance comes in combining meritorious short-term accomplishments with the satisfaction of seeing long-term plans come to fruition.
The best way to strike this balance is to find what you were meant to do with this life and then go and do it. Our time on this planet is too short for us to squander it by not chasing our dreams. We must follow our hearts and trust our instincts because our hearts will tell us where to go and our instincts will tell us how to get there.
More and more this mysterious life comes together…
Chasing dreams provides a variety of useful lessons.
Some dreams you will catch – life’s great prize.
Some dreams will elude you – life’s great lesson.
Some dreams you will continue to chase – life’s great challenge.
The challenge comes not from the actual work involved in being on your path. If you are doing something you have a knack for, and something your heart tells you to do, almost by definition you will find that work both enjoyable and while it will be challenging, it may not be particularly difficult.
The hard part comes in doing it every day. You cannot build a satisfying life following your heart one day and not the next. You will not look back on a life well-lived by following your instincts for a few weeks then ignoring them the rest of the year.
It may take years to reveal the whole…
Each day there are a hundred and one distractions to knock off us off our path and it takes courage to live the life we were meant to live. It takes patience to let the whole of our lives reveal itself.
I’m prepared to go the distance…
Life is relentless and we must be relentless, too. We must relentlessly live the life we were meant to live. Only by doing so will we ensure a life filled with short-term accomplishments and long-term successes. Only by being relentless will we ensure we are making our time serve us, instead of merely serving time on this planet.