The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 10
The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 10
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
Veteran Bottom Ten fan(s) know you can’t look ahead in the race for the Dan Henning Trophy. The season is too long, every turnover, every penalty too important.
But with the Cleveland Browns remaining unvictoried with as commanding a second-half meltdown as anyone’s ever seen, Bottom Ten pollsters can’t help wondering if the Browns have what it takes to run the table in 2016.
This week’s mess, as the nags continue up the backstretch:
1. Cleveland Browns (0-8; lost to New York Jets 31-28) – Leading 20-7 at half, Browns do some soul searching and mail it in in second half, getting outscored 24-8…2008 Detroit Lions 0-16 mark now the bright light at the end of the B-10 tunnel…Browns 44th NFL team to start season 0-8 …Next Loss: Dallas
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5; lost to Tennessee 36-22) – Game not as close as score indicated, as Jaguars burst out to 27-0 deficit after punting on every first half possession…Jaguars owner Ghengis Khan threatening beheadings if team does not bring home B-10 title this season…Next Loss: at Kansas City
3. Tie Games (0-0-2) – Another one!!!…In a column devoted to losing, games without winners, losers, make medal stand for first time…Hey NFL: ties blow…Keep playing football until you have a winner…Next Loss: There are no losses is tie games…Nobody wins, nobody loses.
4. NFL In London – Queen really pissed now as latest NFL fiasco across the pond fails to produce a winner, mocking their beloved soccer games…Only complete inability to comprehend American football, lack of sea power, preventing all-out war…Next Loss: London looking to force NFL to move further London games to an ISIS controlled country “and let them bloody deal with it”.
5. Gaylon For Congress – Vote early, vote often!!!…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Gaylon “pretty much a lock and stuff” to earn election to US House of Representatives, at least based on survey of ballots filled in at his house.
6. San Diego Chargers (3-5; lost to Denver 27-19) – Chargers looking to make usual mid-season run following curious two-game winning skid…Big test this week against two-time defending B-10 champions a great chance to make case for coveted B-10 medal stand spot…Next Loss: Tennessee
7. Jacksonville at Tennessee – Not only was it a prime-time B-10 showdown that did not disappoint but thanks to NFL’s Kodachrome Uniform Series, featured the ugliest uniforms in football history
8. Gaylon For Congress – Genius behind Bottom Ten, Diary of a Nobody set to shatter previous best of 2.6 percent of the vote achieved in 2014 Colorado United States Senate race…Still tho, his 52,864 votes is the most ever by a third party candidate in a Colorado US Senate election…Next Loss: Nov 8
9. USA! USA! – One major party candidate is lucky to not be under indictment – and may well end up there – while the other major candidate has his civil trial on rape and assorted other charges beginning in December…Not only that, his personal university was nothing more than a boiler room operation bilking people out of there money…This is the best we could do, America???…Next Loss: Our entire way of life as our country collapses.
10. Chicago Cubs (2016 World Series Champions) – Did we call it or what???…As we’ve been saying since Week 1, Cubs first World Series title in ages a forgone conclusion…Last time Cubs won World Series team received congratulatory papyrus scroll from Darius the Great …Next Loss: Rest of this century.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Tennessee at San Diego
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Jacksonville at Kansas City
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 10
The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 10
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
With zero (0) unvictoried teams remaining, the race for the ESPNCup – symbolic of Bottom Ten supremacy – might come down to which team wants it more, to which teams can sleepwalk through its remaining games better than the others.
The eyes of Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere will be – where else? – on Conference USA this week as #1 Rice takes on #2 Florida Atlantic in the biggest game at Rice Stadium since Super Bowl VIII.
This week’s mess:
- Rice (1-7; lost to Louisiana Tech 61-16)
Mitigating Factors: Owls back on top of B-10 following spirited conference road loss…Rice can’t even be bothered to show token early interest, trailing 28-0 before anybody needed a deodorant…While no magic formula for B-10 success exists, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” giving up over 300 yards rushing and 400 yards passing in a game one way to do it.
Hoot Hoot: Not only is Rice looking for first ever B-10 title, Owls also searching for seventh (7th) one win season ever, and first since iconic 2005 squad finished 1-10.
Next Loss: Florida Atlantic
2. Florida Atlantic (1-7; lost to Western Kentucky 52-3)
Mitigating Factors: 2009 B-10 champions sign off on upstart FAU’s B-10 title application issuing B-10 contenders another blowout loss…FAU another team that chooses “Surrender” at the opening coin flip, trailing 7-0 after three (3) plays…Football homepage has “Chat With A Ticket Rep” feature where every answer is “How Close to Midfield Do You Want To Sit?”…Defense just three (3) feet, 1.2 inches away from averaging 500 yards allowed per game.
Hoot Hoot II: With only win coming in opener, Owls not only in prime position for B-10 title by losing out, but also for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
Next Loss: at Rice
3. Kansas (1-7; lost to Oklahoma 56-3)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks impressing B-10 pollsters, losing big when they’re supposed in latest conference blowout…Jayhawk website already in post-football mode with pics of top-ranked basketball team on homepage, followed by pics of chick swimmer, volleyball player…Despite B-10 pollster(s) advice to have a basketball player return punts and just fall forward after catching kick, Jayhawks still averaging minus-18 inches per punt return.
Don’t’ Count Your Tostitos Plaques Before They Hatch: While Big-12 is not as tough as Conference USA or even the MAC, Jayhawks cannot get looking ahead to Nov 12 Iowa State game in their quest for a second straight B-10 title.
Next Loss: at West Virginia
4. Fresno State (1-8; lost to Air Force 31-21)
Mitigating Factors: Despite being first team to eight (8) losses and tied with FAU and Kansas with nation’s best seven (7) straight losses, Bulldogs still knocking on door to B-10 medal stand…Bulldogs turn in classic come-from-ahead loss, blowing 14-0 and 21-17 leads…Bulldogs show strong finishing kick, tossing interception and turning ball over on downs on last three drives, while defense gives up two (2) touchdowns.
FunFact: Bulldogs road to B-10 glory built the old fashioned way, with team unable to either rush the football or stop anyone else from doing it, ranking 119th in Rushing Offense and Next-To-Next-To-Dead-Last in Rushing Defense.
Next Loss: at Colorado State
5. Earlham (0-8; lost to Manchester 65-13)
Mitigating Factors: D-III Quakers lose 31st straight to retain Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in ISIS sphere of influence…Total team effort sees offense turn in seven (7) drives of three (3) plays while defense escorts Manchester into end zone (end zone) on first six (6) drives…Earlham just two (2) losses away from taking Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – home for the winter.
Run To Lose: Of the 664 NCAA football playing schools, Earlham’s 28.3 rushing yards per game ranks 663rd, trailing only an equally winless D-II team from the Deep South.
Next Loss: Bluffton
6. Iowa State (1-7; lost to Kansas State 31-26)
Mitigating Factors: Cyclones show type of heart that leads straight to B-10 glory, continuing to lose close ones, moving to 0-4 in games decided by a touchdown or less…Iowa State offense brilliantly inefficient, turning in three (3) drives of at least ten (10) plays, which produce a total of three (3) points…With three (3), two (2) and three (3) wins the past three (3) seasons, Cyclones looking to put it all together in 2016’s quest for B-10 glory.
On Point: With losable game this week, Cyclones cannot be caught looking ahead to Nov 12 showdown with Kansas.
Next Loss: Oklahoma (Nov 3)
7. Michigan State (2-6; lost to Michigan 32-23)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 pollsters still doing due diligence on Spartans, who have lost six (6) straight but had lost only five (5) games the past three seasons…Further research showed Spartans played in semifinals of something called the College Football Playoff after 2015 season…Spartans on first six (60-game skid since 1981-82 squads lost eight (8) straight…
FunFact: Spartans need help, but could claim Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win(s) by losing out.
Next Loss: at Illinois
8. Waterloo (0-8; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: NAFTA-mandated entry, Warriors take Pierre Trudeau Cup, issued to Canadian B-10 champion…Groundskeepers fired after Week 1 fiasco where they mistakenly put two (2) 50-yard lines on field and made end zones 25-yards deep…Warriors advance to B-10 International Regionals, taking on Tijuana Tech in the quarterfinals.
FunFact: Warriors turn in second straight winless season and have lost 16 straight and 44 of 48.
Next Loss: 2017
9. UMess (2-7; defeated Wagner 34-10)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 title, medal stand hopes take big hit with win…Despite B-10 by-law mandating no penalty for win over lower level team, depth of 2016 field virtually eliminates any two (2)-win team…Schedule favorable, however, for strong B-10 finish as UMess finishes with final three (3) games in Alabama, Utah and Hawaii.
Name Game: Win over Wagner first Minuteman win over surnamed school since 1906 squad defeated Springfield, Brown and Williams.
Next Loss: at Troy
10. Big 12
Mitigating Factors: Conference that has produced numerous national football champions earns first ever B-10 Conference of the Week award…With so much parity in Conference USA, MAC and Sun Belt, B-10 pollsters cite Big 12 being only conference with two (2) teams that have lost at least four (4) straight games as deciding factor…30 percent of this week’s survey either the Big 12 itself or one of its schools.
FunFact: Conference on such a downturn it was only able to muster a .500 mark in conference play.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Florida Atlantic at Rice
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either:Fresno State at Colorado State
Big Ten Thriller of the Week: Michigan State at Illinois