The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 9 By Gaylon Kent
The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 9
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
The cream is starting to rise.
Or maybe the sediment is starting to settle.
However you look at it, the Browns, 49ers and Ravens have started to assert themselves in the race for the most coveted trophy in sports, the Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten Supremacy.
Veteran Bottom Ten fan(s) know, however, that you ignore ths week’s big Tennessee/Jacksonville tilt at your peril, with the loser possibly using the momentum to make a push for a return to the Bottom Ten medal stand.
This week’s mess, as the nags limp up the backstretch:
- Cleveland Browns (0-7; lost to Cincinnati 31-17) – Browns show cursory second quarter interest, leading briefly before getting outscored 14-0 to end first half and cruising the rest of the way… Browns now 63rd 0-7 team in NFL history…Next Loss: New York Jets
2. San Francisco 49ers (1-6; lost to Tampa Bay 34-17) – 49ers blow 14-0 lead in type of come-from-ahead home loss that has Cleveland fan(s) looking over their shoulder…San Francisco has lost six (6) straight, best among NFL’s 31 victoried teams …Next Loss: New Orleans
3. Baltimore Ravens (3-4; lost to New York Jets 24-16) – Three (3) wins a bit more than B-10 pollsters are looking for out of a medal stand team after seven (7) games, but no team – except Cleveland and San Francisco, of course – playing worse football right now…Next Loss: Pittsburgh Steelers
4. Tie Games (0-0-1) – It’s the second decade of the 21st century and the NFL has been around for 96 years but they still haven’t figured out how to have a team win every game…Next Loss: Look this isn’t that hard…You keep playing football until somebody wins.
5. Seattle at Arizona – B-10 Game of the Year nominee and first Instant Classic of 2016 features 16 punts, twelve points and no winner…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is only football game anywhere at any time to feature two (2) made field goals, two (2) missed field goals in overtime session …Next Loss: Look this isn’t that hard…You keep playing football until somebody wins.
6. AFC North (10-18) – Determined AFC North nabs weekly Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s worst division…Anchored by winless Browns, three division teams have combined to lose 13 (13) straight…Strong .500 mark in divisional play, though.
7. NFL In London – Queen Elizabeth ready to revoke treaties of Paris, Ghent after former colony force-feeds yet another thrilling 17-10 NFL game on usually fun-loving Brits…Even nation that invented soccer thought 15 punts a bit much…Next Loss: London Privy Council said to be looking into subletting future games to Wales or Bangladesh or Oakland.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4; lost to Las Vegas Raiders 33-16) – Some punts, some field goals, some turnovers, Jaguars back in B-10 pollsters good graces following usual, routine loss…With consecutive wins and a bye week, game was actually Jaguars first loss in about a month…Next Loss: at Tennessee (Oct 27)
9. New York Jets (2-5; defeated Baltimore 24-16) – Jets offense does its part, producing two (2) turnovers and a blocked field goal, but not even defense bad enough to stop Ravens juggernaut…Jets can get back in B-10 race with big road loss to Browns this week…Next Loss: at Cleveland
10. Chicago Cubs – Forget Game 1 loss, we’ve been saying since the Week 1 survey the Cubs are a lock to break 108-year World Series drought this season…Though last few decades have been tough, Cubs actually used to be really good and are appearing in eleventh (11th) World Series, tied for sixth amongst ML teams…Next Loss: 2017…Don’t bother us now.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New York Jets at Cleveland
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Jacksonville at Tennessee
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 9
The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 9
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
Next loser up.
With previously unvictoried Rice winning – albeit against a lower level school – and Florida Atlantic suffering through a bye week, the race for the Week 9 Bottom Ten medal stand was wide open. Bottom Ten pollsters have their work cut out for them, too, as nine (9) teams have lost either six (6) or five (5) straight.
The race is so tight this week, Bottom Ten staffers are preparing for the anticipated onslaught of calls for a Bottom Ten playoff, mainly by ensuring bar tabs are paid off.
This week’s mess:
- Bowling Green (1-7; lost to Miami, Ohio 40-26)
Mitigating Factors: Though not only team riding nation’s best six (6)-game skid, Falcons ascend B-10 throne by virtue of strength of schedule points for decisive loss to equally lousy MAC squad…Falcons show mettle of B-10 champions sealing loss with four (4) big second half turnovers…While inability to rush the ball key, Falcon alleged “defense” setting pace, ranking Dead Last giving up 45.1 ppg.
Some Places Have Interns For This: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Falcons can become first team from Ohio to lose four (4) consecutive bowl games in South and win B-10 title by losing out.
Next Loss: at Northern Illinois (Nov 1)
2. Rice (1-6; defeated Prairie View A&M 65-44)
Mitigating Factors: Rice ascends win column after smacking around lower level team in first basketball scrimmage of 2016… While still in running for first B-10 title – along with everyone else in C-USA, Owls fail to solidify B-10 Hall of Fame nomination with loss to program with most consecutive losses and now just another one-win teams with problems.
FunFact: Owls now 2-1 against lower level foes this century.
Next Loss: at Louisiana Tech
3. UMess (1-7; lost to South Carolina 34-28)
Mitigating Factors: UMess fan(s) up in arm(s) as Minutemen lose coveted B-10 medal stand berth despite dutiful loss to Power 5 conference team…Game not as close as score indicated, as UMess makes things interesting with a couple of fourth quarter touchdowns against some Carolina KKK Studies majors looking to inflict some damage against some Yankee bastards.
FunFact: Minutemen lose big strengths of schedule points as only win came against Florida International team that earlier won three straight.
Next Loss: Wagner
4.Kansas (1-7; lost to Oklahoma State 44-20)
Mitigating Factors: Despite cacophony surrounding C-USA and MAC teams, defending B-10 champions stem tide with routine conference home loss….Jayhawks show usual strong finishing kick, breaking open close game by getting outscored 20-0 in final 18:25…Though road to B-10 title still murky, Jayhawks assured of third Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Carry On Wayward Losers: Jayhawks getting it done in all facets, ranking Next-To-Dead-Last in Punt Returns and Turnover Margin and ranking 121st in Rushing Offense.
Next Loss: at Oklahoma
5. Fresno State (1-7; lost to Utah State 38-20)
Mitigating Factors: Despite hot six (6)-game losing streak lack of B-10 pedigree, bribe check conspire to keep Bulldogs off B-10 medal stand….Bulldogs so unaccustomed to B-10 success, current losing skid just third time ever Bulldogs have lost this many in a row…Can tie all-time school record for consecutive losses with loss Saturday.
FunFact: Bulldogs so intent on B-10 domination, athletic director fired head coach after most recent loss, citing Week 2 win over lower level school that has prevented treasured winless record.
Next Loss: Air Force
6. Earlham (0-7; lost to Hanover 54-0)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Quakers turn in best all-round performance of 2016 to retain Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in ISIS sphere of influence…Quakers have lost 30 straight…Earlham a juggernaut on both sides of the ball, getting outscored by average of 43.3-to-10.6 in 2016…Though NCAA record book does not list seasonal mark for Fewest Yards Rushing, B-10 pollsters “pretty darn sure” Quakers current average of 24.6 ypg would “rank right up there and stuff”.
Waiting In The Wings: Fellow D-IIIers Lewis and Clark College has lost 29 straight and would probably tie for Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – if they were playing ten (10) games this year instead of nine (9).
Next Loss: at Manchester
7. Buffalo (1-6; lost to Northern Illinois 44-7)
Mitigating Factors: Loss to lower level school???…Check…Multi-game losing streak???…Check…Loss to lousy one-win MAC team???…Check and double check…Bulls show they are all in for B-10 medal stand run with the type of decisive, total team effort loss that leads straight to B-10 glory…Strong start key, as four (4) first half interceptions (interceptions) lead to 17 Husky points.
FunFact: Bulls trail 7-0 before anybody needs a deodorant as special teams chips in, allowing touchdown on opening kickoff return.
Next Loss: Akron
8. Mid-America Conference
Mitigating Factors: Dogfight for coveted B-10 Conference of the Week award between MAC and C-USA continues, as MAC garners weekly award due to obscure “what the hell” provision in B-10 bylaws…Really, B-10 fans haven’t been treated to such a close Conference of the Year race since Mexican Collegiate Athletic Association’s (MCAA) La Migra Conference and Pac-8 dueled it out in 1953.
The Long And Winding Road: B-10 staffers wondering what the deal is as beloved Sun Belt Conference has yet to earn coveted Conference of the Week award in 2016, and faces prospect Sun Belt might not have team ranked in final B-10 survey.
9. Rutgers (2-6; lost to Minnesota 34-32)
Mitigating Factors: Rutgers so bad they are in running for Bill Mallory Trophy, given to worst Big Ten football team ever…Scarlet Knights so bad they rank 14th in a conference that only admits to having ten (10) teams in no less than eleven (11) official NCAA stat categories…College football’s oldest team, calculating how many times Rutgers has lost five straight beyond the scope of even this column, but first time was during 1887-88 seasons.
Bottom Line: Only wins have come against lower level team and former B-10 perennials New Mexico…Or maybe it was New Mexico State…B-10 pollsters aren’t too sure.
Next Loss: Indiana
10. Army (4-3; lost to North Texas 35-18)
Mitigating Factors: Army back in survey, having lost three (3) of last four (4) following curious 3-0 start…Actually, all three service academies have more or less lost their minds, off to a combined 13-7 start in 2016, depriving B-10 pollsters of a season’s worth of material…Despite solid start, Black Knights of Confusion still favorites for ninth straight Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness.
Ten-Hut!: Army hindered by pregame Army Secretary ruling requiring Cadets to polish opponents cleats, fluff up shoulder pads, after each play.
Next Loss: at Wake Forest
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Akron at Buffalo
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either:Kansas at Oklahoma
The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!
Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…
Saturday, October 22
A tuff day, no two ways about it.
We sent Wayne to his grave today with a first-class funeral…Actually, we were part of – a big part of – the funeral service his pastor put on…At least I think it was his pastor…I don’t really know…The Wife and I have gone to his church once or twice over the years…It’s one of those non-denominational churches where everyone wears their pajamas to services…If your jeans are clean your overdressed.
Anyway, Tony, who commands the VFW post, and I marched in carrying his urn and our nation’s colors and we shared a reading…I ended my portion by saying Wayne was a veteran’s veteran and I admired him…Then Tony gave commands for the firing squad and flag squad to render appropriate honors and we presented the flag to Wayne’s mother of all things, still hale and hearty at 95.
That’s gotta blow, outliving your kids…Actually, I know it blows seeing what mom went thru when my brother died.
Anyway, it was a beautiful day and there was a nice crowd, probably couple hundred or so and at the end we stood in line and filed thru and we each tossed a small amount of dirt on the urn…Two of his kids had placed it in the ground and if you don’t think that’s moving you’ve got another thing coming.
Afterward, a lot of us gathered at the VFW post/bar…Wayne was an officer of the VFW post and Tony and I led the toast…The Wife came by after her shift at the retailer, too, and we spent no small amount of time talking to Ron and Sharon…Ron and Sharon grow hay just outside of our small town and Ron is a member of the small town post, tho he has cut down his involvement somewhat the past year or so…Sharon is trying to get The Wife to sign up for the small town post’s auxiliary and Ron grilled me on some issues.
Also happened to run into Dave and his wife Candy…Dave is a post member, he wasn’t at the funeral but I was out back getting some air and he and Candy happened to drive by…We talked about our post baseball team, which didn’t have much of a season…In fact, there wasn’t even a Commander’s Award for me to pass out…I am not entirely sure what the deal is, except some parents aren’t happy with Coach Rusty because boy, he sure works the kids awfully hard…They parents were so up in arms Coach Rusty said screw it and sat the year out, preferring to be in his native Texas watching a granddaughter play softball…Evidently, a lot of kids weren’t happy with the replacement coach, either.
Well, I’ve said this before, Rusty has my full support…I don’t know what in the hell is going to happen…Dave and Candy are heading south for the winter here in a bit, but I think I will call Rusty and see what the deal is here in the next couple of weeks…A lot of it has to do with drama with the high school baseball team, which I tend to ignore…I don’t understand this…It’s ski country up here and baseball is the 30th most popular sport, right behind snowboard cribbage…There should be zero drama, but there appears to be a lot.
Got quite a bit of feedback from some of the guys about my candidacy, too…They had read my Op-Ed and Q&A in the local paper…Most, but not all, said I had earned their vote…A couple of malcontents were honest enough to say they were staunch Republicans so I made a mental note to have the IRS mess with them after I’m elected.
The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.
It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.