Daily Dose/June 23, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
The very best of the very worst of the week that was. 

Leading Off will return. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

Friends, Read Free Fortnight is winding down. Click on the button to get 4Ever and Ever access to The Diary of a Nobody and Backstairs at the Monte Carlo for only $2.99. The offer ends Thursday – and new subscribers are entered into a drawing for an autographed, hardcover of Backstairs at the Monte Carlo – so for Pete’s sake, act now.

The Diary of a Nobody: The scratch paper pile at the hotel is getting low. Today’s Diary.   

With the exception of a few scattered sheets, I haven’t replenished the scratch paper pile, underneath the back office monitor, since the Virus Era began three months ago…It’s pretty low, too…I haven’t measured it – I don’t know why I haven’t measured it, Lord knows I’ve had the time – but if I had to guess, I’d throw a quarter-inch out there, just for funsies.

Front Desk Manager Brandon hasn’t mentioned it, yet, but I think he will if I don’t get on the stick pretty soon…Business, of course, is increasing and we’ll all be back to five days a week by the end of the month probably and scratch paper needs, of course, will absolutely skyrocket and the crew is counting on me to have a decent supply on hand…Or at least I think they are…I don’t really know. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: It’s a slow night in the hotel, with a low Foot on the Desk Percentage.

I tabulated my Foot on the Desk percentage and it came in at 41 percent, which is low. I prefer a FOD percentage closer to 50.

But there wasn’t much I could do. We weren’t that busy, but what there was was time-consuming. There were a half-dozen or so guest assists and I was obliged to spend a half-hour in a room taking a report on a guest with a tummy ache, so I guess 41 percent isn’t too bad.

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 2016 – Voters in the United Kingdom and Gibraltar vote to leave the European Union (EU), a vote commonly known as Brexit. There were 17.41 million ‘no’ votes out of 33.55 million cast, a 51.89 percentage. Immediately after the vote, Prime Minister David Cameron resigned and was replaced by Theresa May, who herself would resign in 2019 after she was unable to get House of Commons approval for her Brexit strategies. Britain and Gibraltar left the EU in January, but due to the coronavirus and the sheer magnitude of the effort, specifics are still being worked out. 

In 1917 – Babe Ruth and Ernie Shore pitch the first combined no-hitter in major league history in a 4-0 win over the Washington Senators in the first game of a doubleheader. Ruth walked the first batter Ray Morgan and then was ejected for arguing and hitting home plate umpire Brick Owens. Morgan would be thrown out trying to steal and Shore retired all 26 batters he faced and for many years was credited with a perfect game in the major league record book. The Red Sox won the second game, too, 5-0. 

In 1979 – Hot Stuff by Donna Summer is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the third and final non-consecutive week. It was the third of four #1 songs for Summer and her sixth of ten Top 10 hits. The song also went to #1 in Canada, Australia, Japan and Switzerland, peaked at #11 in Great Britain and at #3 on Billboard’s soul chart. It was Billboard’s seventh biggest hit of the year, its 12th biggest of the decade and ranked 87th on Billboard’s 60th Anniversary Hot 100 in 2018. Hot Stuff  had first hit #1 on June 2 and was replaced at the top for one week by the Bee Gees’ Love You Inside and Out. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

{This} whole book…has been written under the influence of a kind of religious awe produced in the author’s mind by the view of that irresistible revolution which has advanced for centuries in spite of every obstacle and which is still advancing in the midst of the ruins it has caused. – Alexis De Tocqueville, Democracy In America

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Argentina won the 1986 World Cup. After defeating England in the quarterfinals, they defeated Belgium 2-0 in the semifinals and West Germany 3-2 in the championship match.

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What was Donna Summer’s only #1 song in Great Britain? – Answer next time!

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Daily Dose/June 22, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
The very best of the very worst of the week that was. 

YAY TEAM!: As we noted in the Sunday Bottom 5, we’d been wondering, like you probably were, which US senator would take the lead and be the shill favoring pro-NCAA legislation in their most recent imbroglio, giving their athletes a share of money made off their names, images and likenesses, commonly shortened to NIL. 

Dry, Technical Matter: The NCAA is in a box because several states have had the nerve to undercut them by passing assorted, differing laws in this matter. The NCAA is looking to Congress to solve their problem for them with legislation that gives athletes as little as possible while allowing the NCAA to keep as much wealth and power as possible. 

ROTFLMAO: The NCAA is claiming that without federal intervention, college sports as we know them could collapse. Good. It could not happen to a nicer bunch of guys and gals. The NCAA could use a complete collapse of major college football and basketball, both of which remain the cesspools they’ve been for over a century. 

The Bottom Line: The NCAA made this bed by making billions off the sweat of their athletes without sharing any of it, so they can lie in it on their own. Congress has no business getting involved. It’s an internal matter, and Congress should not deprive us of the entertainment value inherent in watching the NCAA squirm their way out of this one. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow buys some readers online. Today’s Diary.   

The only fly in the ointment was my debit card kept getting declined…So I call the bank and the gal looks into it and says she’s getting an expiration date error and I check and it looks good…The card’s information was entered automatically and the expiration date shows 2025 but the month, for some reason, was showing May instead of February, which I didn’t realize until I’d tried to force the transaction thru a couple of more times. 

There was even hilarity when the purchase was being rung up…The total for two glasses was $32, which qualified me for free shipping…But the 15% discount brought it under $30, allowing me to pay for shipping…Fortunately, shipping was less than the discount and I ended up paying a buck or so less.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Twerp tells Gaylon to go and get a date.

In the briefing room after work last night I told Twerp, a former Marine, that I didn’t want any of his shit in the hotel tonight. I wanted his shoes shined to such a high gloss that Chesty Puller himself would achieve and maintain a state of arousal, and, that immediately upon his arrival in the hotel, he should report to me so he can drop and give me 20. 

He told me to go and get a date. 

Friends,

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On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1941 – The German army begins its invasion of the Soviet Union with bombings of cities in Soviet-occupied Poland, followed by a land invasion. The Germans got to within 5 miles of Moscow by December but winter set in and that was as far as the Germans got. The offensive resulted in almost 6 million deaths on both sides. 

In 1986 – Diego Maradona of Argentina scores two of soccer’s most famous goals in a 2-1 win over England in the World Cup quarterfinals in Mexico City. The first goal came early in the second half when Maradona and the English goalkeeper both lept for the ball and Maradona got the ball into the net despite the fact he appeared to have used a hand. Four minutes later Maradona took the ball 60 yards through four defenders and faked the goalkeeper for his second goal, a goal referred to as the Goal of the Century. The first goal is referred to as the ‘hand of God’ goal after comments made by Maradonna after the match. He would not confess to using his own hand until 2005. 

In 1963 – Lonesome 7-7203 by Hawkshaw Hawkins is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles chart – for the fourth and final non-consecutive week. It was the eighth and final country chart single for Hawkins, who had died in March, in the same plane crash that killed Patsy Cline and Cowboy Copas, and remains his only #1 song. The song had first hit #1 on May 4 for one week then returned for two weeks on June 1. Hawkins’ original first name was Harold and he served in the US Army in World War II, fighting in the Battle of the Bulge. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Franz congratulated Albert, who received his congratulations with the air of a man conscious that they were merited. – Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The major league record for most hits in a game is nine, done by Johnny Burnett of Cleveland who went 9-for-11 in an 18-17, 18-inning loss to the Philadelphia A’s. The 33 hits by the Indians established the American League for hits in a game of any length, and the 58 hits established a major league record for hits by both teams in a game of any length, records still stand. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who won the 1986 World Cup? – Answer next time!

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Daily Dose/June 21, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was. 

1. Garrett Rolfe – Former Atlanta police officer facing felony murder charges in his shooting death of Rayshard Brooks…He is probably celebrating, knowing it will difficult at best to prove for prosecutors to prove he was committing another felony when he shot Brooks, as Georgia state law requires for a felony murder conviction. 

2. Juneteenth – It was very gracious of Texas to free its slaves two-and-a-half years after the Emancipation Proclamation, though Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” late is better than never…It didn’t actually end slavery, either, as those zanies in Kentucky and Delaware legally held their fellow humans in bondage until the 13th Amendment was ratified in December 1865. 

3. American Sports – Guys, if you want to keep as many people COVID-free as possible, don’t play…Take the financial hit like real working people have…There are TV dollars at stake, of course, but they’ll return and all the bubbles and fanless games will take resources away from places they are really needed. 

4. Marco Rubio – Now we know which senator is going to be the NCAA’s shill in their quest to screw college athletes even more…Some say college sports will collapse without federal, pro-NCAA legislation and we say fabulous, no one deserves it more…The NCAA is pimp, whore and john simultaneously and complete collapse will do them good. 

5. President Trump Fact Check – The 5-hole staple, click here for the latest lies and misinformation from our Liar-in-Chief…Includes special Vice President Mike Pence tidbit. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow actually gets invited to a party. Today’s Diary. 

Anyway, he invited me to a BBQ later in the afternoon, which was mighty neighborly of him, and I told him I usually get a nap in on Saturdays because I have the hotel at 2300, but if I was up I would certainly stop by.

This goes against generations of Sparrow tradition, which dictates DO NOT KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS but I’m already on friendly terms with Zack across the street, so what the hell…As it was, I was technically up later in the afternoon, but I was reading and already starting to nod off, preparatory to my pre-shift nap, so I didn’t stop by.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: X-Ray and Gaylon are dispatched to deal with a reported nosebleed.

The husband wanted paramedics not because of his wife’s nosebleed, but because there is blood whenever she sneezes, which evidently is fairly often, judging by all the red Kleenex lying around. 

I wanted to tell her well, stop sneezing then, but instead, I ask some questions and find out she’s diabetic with high blood pressure though she otherwise feels (and looks) strong. She seems content with my diagnosis, especially when we factored in the dry desert air, but the husband wants paramedics called, and, if you’re a guest at Monte Carlo and want paramedics called we are going to call paramedics for you, no charge, either, unless they transport you to the hospital, in which case you get the broom handle.

Friends,

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On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1788 – The United States Constitution is ratified, with New Hampshire becoming the ninth of the 13 states to approve the new governing document. The United States would begin governance under the Constitution the following March 4th, though neither house of Congress had a quorum and George Washington was not inaugurated president until April 30. The Constitution replaced the Articles of Confederation, which had been in force since 1777. 

In 1970 – Cesar Guitierrez of the Detroit Tigers becomes the second major league player to have 7 hits in 7 at-bats in a 9-8, 12-inning win over the Cleveland Indians, joining Wilbert Robinson, who had done so in a nine-inning game in 1892 for the Baltimore Orioles of the National League. Rennie Stennett also accomplished the feat in 1975 for the Pittsburgh Pirates, also in a nine-inning game, and the totals remain a record for the most hits in a game without recording an out. Guitierrez’s seven hits represent a bit more than five percent of his career hit total of 128 and his batting average jumped from .218 to .249

In 1975 – The Captain and Tennille are at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the first of four consecutive weeks with Love Will Keep Us Together. It was the first chart single for the duo, their first of seven Top 10 hits and their first of two #1 songs (Do That To Me One More Time, one week, 1980). The song also went to #1 in Canada and Australia, peaked at 32 in Great Britain and was Billboard’s biggest song of the year. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

The American dream is not about money. It is about using your abilities and being the best you can be. – Congressman J.C. Watts, Republican National Convention, 8/13/96

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The first country act replace themself at #1 on Billboard’s country chart was Al Dexter, when So Long Pal was replaced by Too Late To Worry, Too Blue To Cry in 1944. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who holds the major league record for most hits in a game? – Answer next time!

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Daily Dose/June 20, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.

HERE WE GO AGAIN: Regular readers of this crap know we are in favor of holding police officers accountable when they kill civilians. They also know we are in favor of charging them with crimes that there is the hope of actually getting a conviction on. 

We are seeing this again in Atlanta, where former Atlanta police officer Garrett Rolfe has been charged with felony murder after he shot Rayshard Brooks to death while Brooks ran away from him. 

Dry, Technical Matter: Here is Georgia’s definition of felony murder: 

A person commits the offense of murder when, in the commission of a felony, he or she causes the death of another human being irrespective of malice.

Good luck. This means prosecutors will be obliged to prove Rolfe killed Brooks while Rolfe was committing another felony because our research shows the killing itself is not a felony for the purposes of this law. The killer must have been committing another felony at the time, like rape or armed robbery. 

Oh Yeah: Rolfe faces ten other charges, ranging from aggravated assault to violation of oath by a public officer. Most concern his shooting of Brooks, though some have to do with an errant bullet hitting an occupied vehicle. 

Back On Message: Under Georgia law, voluntary manslaughter – intentionally killing another while under the influence of a sudden and violent passion – would probably be a more reasonable charge. 

Fly In The Ointment: But – understandably, considering Geroge Floyd and the fact police shoot an average of 2.7 Americans to death every day in this country – people don’t want to hear manslaughter, they want to hear murder. 

The Bottom Line: Fulton County prosecutors are not doing the citizens of Atlanta any favors. It is going to be supremely difficult to bring home a felony murder conviction, especially if Rolfe takes a bench trial in order to deal with an impartial judge and not a pesky jury. Some research shows the DA, Paul Howard, is in a runoff election for his job later this summer and we’d hate to think the murder charge – which he has to know is overreaching – was merely pandering to get votes. But who are we kidding? It probably was. Howard needed to quiet Atlanta down, and this was a way to do it.  

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow goes to the store to get stuff to make a Stromboli with, buys a frozen pizza, ends up making hot doge. Today’s Diary.  

I have no idea why I went with the frozen pizza…Officially, I was tired and sold myself on the idea that the 1-hour hassle of making a Stromboli would keep me up past my usual Friday bedtime, but that was only because that was what I wanted to hear…I have always been averse to cooking anything of substance for myself.  

As it was, it turned out I was also averse to putting something in the oven, because when I returned to The Shire I couldn’t be bothered to heat up a frozen pizza…I got home, fussed with the cat, put my stuff up and stood in the kitchen with my hands on my hips and ended up putting the pizza in the freezer and making the remaining hot dogs!!!

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: The (in)famous Foot on the Desk Percentage makes its debut. Today’s Diary.

It was so slow I was able to figure out, to a reasonable degree, how much of my time in the hotel I spend sitting in a maid’s room with my feet up on a desk. 

Taking everything into consideration – 10-10’s, 482, time spent sitting while on “patrol” – I came up with a figure of 180 minutes spent sitting on my duff, which is a Foot on the Desk percentage of 37 and a half percent.

I was pretty pleased with that figure. I had figured this out in the 0600 debriefing session with D-Dawg and Butch in the 12th-floor maid’s room, and, had announced the result to them, when I realized I hadn’t included the actual debriefing session itself. You tack on those 45 minutes and you come up with 225 minutes doing absolutely nothing, which is a whopping Foot on the Desk Percentage of 47.

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On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1944 – The first man-made object reaches space when a German V-2 rocket achieves a height of 109 miles. The rocket was designed to launch missiles Germany could use in World War II and was, in fact, used, not without success, between September 1944 and March 1945 in the United Kingdom, the Netherlands, Belgium, France and even Germany, to destroy a US-held bridge. The rocket did not reach orbital velocity and crashed to earth later that day. 

In 2016 – The Cleveland Cavaliers win their first NBA title, defeating the Golden State Warriors 93-89 in Game 7 of the NBA Finals. The Cavaliers became the first team to win the NBA title by overcoming a 3 games-to-1 deficit and it was the first time since 1978 the road team won a Game 7. Lebron James was named the series MVP, averaging 29.7 points per game. It was the first major league championship for Cleveland since the Browns win the NFL title in 1964. 

In 1964 – Buck Owens is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles chart – for the fourth of seven non-consecutive weeks with My Heart Skips a Beat. It was the third of 19 #1 country songs for Owens and the third of a then-record 13 consecutive #1 songs, a record now held by Sonny James, who had 16 between 1967 and 1971. Owens replaced his own Together Again at #1, which had replaced My Heart Skips a Beat at the top on June 6, the eleventh of 13 times an artist had replaced themself at #1 on Billboard’s country chart. The song also peaked at #94 on the Billboard Hot 100. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

One has to keep taking that step over and over again. There is no easy way. There are no shortcuts. I have taken those steps and am still taking them. – Louis L’Amour, Education of a Wandering Man

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Besides Ruthless in 1867, two other fillies have won the Belmont Stakes: Tanya in 1905 and Rags to Riches in 2007. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who was the first act to replace themself at #1 on Billboard’s country chart? – Answer next time!

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