The Daily Dose/April 28, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience

Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow pays the Internet bill. Today’s Diary. 

I’d go online and try to QuickPay the bill but was never allowed to and I never remembered to call during the two-and-a-half hours every third Monday their “service” department is open…I was determined to today, tho, because the last bill I have from them is dated March 1 and even a loser like me knows it’s, probably, time to pay it. 

So I go online and the wonders of QuickPay are still denied me so I open an online chat and get the automated, virtual agent and I start working that but I also call them and the guy says their system is down but assures me transfer to their QuickPay would solve all my problems and even make my clothes springtime fresh again and I want to tell him his beloved QuickPay isn’t fucking working but I can’t because I’m transferred immediately and I’m prompted to enter some information and then BOOM I’m right back talking to an operator again.

Now, on the online chat front, I’ve provided enuff automated responses so I am now chatting with an agent, so I am connected to two live humans on two separate mediums and the race is on to see who can process my payment first. 

Click here get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1994 – Former CIA counterintelligence officer Aldrich Ames pleads guilty to espionage charges. Ames and his wife Nancy had been arrested in February after a year-long investigation and it is estimated Ames’ spying led the execution of at least ten US spies. Ames, now 78, is serving a life sentence without parole at a federal prison in Indiana. His wife served a five-year sentence for tax evasion and conspiracy. 

In 1901 – Bock Baker of the Cleveland Blues, now the Indians, establishes a new American League record for most singles given up in a game in a 10-4 loss to the Chicago White Sox. Baker gave up 23 singles, the entire White Sox hit total, though only five of the runs he gave up were earned. It was the major league debut for Baker and on May 1 he was sold to the Philadelphia Athletics, where he pitched in one game before being released with a career record of 0-2 with a 7.71 ERA. The major league record is 28, done by John Wadsworth of Louisville Colonels (NL) in 1894.

In 1973 – Pink Floyd is at #1 on Billboard’s album chart – then known as the Top LPs and Tape chart and now known as the Billboard 200 – for the only week with The Dark Side of the Moon. The album was in its seventh week on the chart and was the first of five #1 albums in the US for the group. The album remained on the chart until 1988 and then reappeared in 2009 when Billboard changed its method of ranking albums and all told has spent a record 949 weeks – the equivalent of over 18 years – on Billboard’s album chart.  

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Science is composed of errors, but errors it is right to make, for they lead step by step to the truth. – Jules Verne, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The Montreal Canadiens won the 1971 Stanley Cup, defeating the Chicago Blackhawks 4 games to 3 in the finals. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What album did Dark Side of the Moon replace at #1 on Billboard’s album chart? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/April 27, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience

THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS…LIKE A KIDNEY STONE: While the immediate effects of the COVID-`19 pandemic are, of course, known, the long-term effects are not, though with lockdown orders gradually being rescinded speculation has begun. 

Hut, Hut Hike: We are preparing for the very worst here, that college and professional football will not be played and that The Bottom Ten will not be written this fall! We don’t like this any more than you do, but it would be difficult for the Bottom Ten pollsters to rank lousy college and professional football teams if they’re not actually playing. Even they’re smart enough to recognize that. 

Dry, Technical Matter: We’ve been writing The Bottom Ten – stolen from The Bottom Ten by Steve Harvey we grew up reading in the Los Angeles Times – for most of this century. We’ve long said there are two parts to the year; the part where we are writing The Bottom Ten and the time when we are not and only the first part is worth a damn. 

This isn’t entirely false. We enjoy writing it an awful lot and while we’re not going to wail and rend garments in the streets if football isn’t played, we will miss it and, admit it, you will, too. 

Please Pass The Dry, Technical Matter: We’ll run something this fall, dammit, probably best-of surveys from assorted weeks. We might also write a made-up survey based on projected results, but that would require an awful lot of work and we do not have unlimited time. 

The Bottom Line: I’ll tell you what, if we had to make a decision now, we don’t think anything is going to be played until next year. We’re mindful of the fact that the virus and illness are affecting a very small percentage of the population, but America was unable to provide a timely and competent response to the coronavirus outbreak and we’re still running around like a bunch of keystone cops. We do not have much of a handle on anything. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow experiments in the kitchen. Today’s Diary.  

I still have those cans of potted meat lying around, unused since I’ve cut out sandwiches, so I completely lost my mind and tried something new today…I opened a can and put it into a bowl, then opened a can of the Satan Sandwich Spread (corned beef) and put that in the bowl and then added some mayonnaise and some hot mustard that was lying around in a single-serving package, probably from Chinese to-go order, tho I can’t remember ordering Chinese food in years…Then I mixed it all up and ate it. 

Click here get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today

In 1861 – President of the United States Abraham Lincoln, acting in the early days of the Civil War, suspends the writ of habeas corpus between Washington, DC and Philadelphia. The suspension gave authorities the power to arrest and detain individuals who were deemed threatening to military operations and hold them without indictment or arraignment. Habeas corpus is a legal recourse where a prisoner can compel a court to determine if his custody is legal. 

In 1971 – Jean Beliveau of the Montreal Canadiens establishes a new NHL record for most career playoff assists in a 6-1 win over the Minnesota North Stars in Game 5 of the Stanley Cup semifinals. Beliveau had three assists giving him 92 in his playoff career, breaking the record of 91 established by Gordie Howe. Beliveau would retire with 97 career playoff assists and the record is now held by Wayne Gretzky who had 260 playoff assists. The Canadiens would win the series in six games. 

In 1963 – I Will Follow Him by Little Peggy March is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first of three consecutive weeks. It was March’s first chart single, the first of three Top 40 hits and remains her only #1 song. The song also went to #1 in seven other countries including Uruguay and Israel and in May spent a week at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart. March, 15 at the time, remains the youngest female act to top the Hot 100 and she would later have a successful career in Europe. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

“Wishes back den I could’a knowed sump’n dat I’s learned now.” – Alex Haley, Roots: The Saga of an American Family

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Sergeant Boston Corbett, the US Army soldier who shot Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth, said he refused offers to sell the gun used in the killing, and that it was ultimately lost. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Which team won the 1971 Stanley Cup Finals? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/April 26, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was

1. President Trump – Objective observers standing by in awe that anyone over age of twelve could actually wonder if “…is there a way you can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning.”…No one should be too surprised though as president already on record as believing moon is part of Mars. 

2. President Trump Supporters – Trump supporter(s) really circling wagons now after President Trump says prospect of investigating Lysol injections “… sounds interesting to me, so we’ll see.”…Friends, he was not being sarcastic, he was being ignorant, a rambling of someone of zero intellectual substance. 

3. George W. Bush – 43rd President of the United States breathing huge sigh of relief as it is plain he is no longer dumbest president ever…Has staffers looking into whether he is still lyingest president ever, though, because while Trump has many more lies, Bush’s lies got us into war with Iraq. 

4. Gaylon For US Senate – Candidate for Colorado Libertarian Party nomination busy preparing for upcoming debate by catching up on rest, growing beard, searching desperately for water policy…Seriously, if you believe country is flourishing, don’t click here to make a difference…If you think we can do better then yes, by all means, click here to make a difference. 

5. President Trump Fact Check – Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters fielding this week’s five-hole staple, saving science, Associated Press the work as even they are “pretty sure” injecting Lysol into lungs/bloodstream could be “like, pretty dangerous and stuff” though they are still researching matter. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

As usual for Sunday, today’s entry is on the house.
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow gets his morning walk in. Today’s Diary.  

I was overdressed for my walk this morning by at least 20 degrees…I knew that before I headed and it was plain as soon I got out in the sun, but I persevered with gloves and my warmish coat anyway…Of course, we all recall Friday’s walk in town where BOOM the weather changed just like that and there is always that possibility here, but not today, except for a modest breeze and brief cloud cover, I was overdressed the whole way.

Click here get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s Long March

In  1865 – John Wilkes Booth – the assassin of Abraham Lincoln – is found, cornered and himself shot, in a barn in Virginia, about 35 miles south of Washington, D.C. Booth and another conspirator, David Herold, were found in the barn and while Herold surrendered, Booth declined and the barn was set on fire by US Army troops, with Booth later shot by Sergeant Boston Corbett. Booth died at the farm, Herold was executed with three other conspirators in July while Corbett was initially arrested for disobeying orders Booth be taken alive. The charge was dropped and Corbett was discharged from the Army in August. 

In 1905 – Jack McCarthy of the Chicago Cubs ties a major league record for most assists by an outfielder to a catcher in a game in a 2-1 win over the Pittsburgh Pirates. McCarthy, playing centerfield, threw out three runners at the plate, tying the record established by Dummy Hoy (Washington Nationals, NL) in 1899 and tied by Jim Jones (New York Giants) in 1902. All three of McCarthy’s assists were parts of double plays, the only time in major league history an outfielder has had three double plays all involving plays at the plate in the same game. 

In 1975 – B.J. Thomas is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the only week with (Hey Won’t You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song. It was the second and final #1 for Thomas on the pop chart (Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head, four weeks, 1970) and his fifth and final Top 10 hit. In May the song would also spend a week at #1 on Billboard’s country chart and it was Billboard’s 17th biggest song of the year. The song won the Grammy Award for Best Country Song to writers Larry Butler and Chips Moman and remains the longest titled song that is not a medley to hit #1 on the Hot 100. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Be a listener only, keep within yourself and endeavor to establish with yourself the habit of silence, especially in politics. – Thomas Jefferson

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Mark Price of the Cleveland Cavaliers led the NBA free throw percentage for 1992-93 at 94.8%

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What happened to the gun used to shoot John Wilkes Booth? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/April 25, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience

USA! USA!: Yesterday we talked about the declining role of America in world affairs, particularly how no one is looking for or expecting much of anything from us during the coronavirus pandemic. 

Whew…That Was Close: Which is good, because America, unable to muster a timely, credible, competent response to the coronavirus, has had zero leadership to offer. We noted how the American Century is over and opined that America is irrelevant, halfway between relevance and oblivion. 

Quote That Sucker: Richard Nixon has a lot to answer for, of course, but he was no dummy and he put it very well years ago: 

Any society, if it is to flourish instead of merely survive, must strive to transcend its own limits. 

America is not flourishing because America has, collectively, stopped striving. Our favorite example is the only country to put men on the moon can no longer send anyone into space, a circumstance that should make all of us hang our heads in shame. 

Oh, Shut Up: A lot of Americans, including us, weigh too much and the average American spends a bit more than five hours per day watching TV, a figure that does not include us because we gave TV up years ago. Americans are content and friends when either a person or a country is content, they stop striving. 

Boy, He’s Really On The Rag Today: Let’s be honest, our country is in shambles. We have blood on our hands because we were unable to handle the coronavirus in a timely and competent manner, resulting in tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths with thousands more to come. We’ve been at war every day for the past 30+ years and our finances are a fiasco. 154 years after the Civil War we are as divided as we’ve ever been. Our country is a shooting gallery and a violent America has resulted in a violent world.  

Thank You Captain Optimism: 100 years from now there will be all new people on this planet and they will be looking back at America at the start of the third decade of the 21st century and they will see either a country that was either a generation or two from collapse or a country where concerned and conscientious citizens decided to oust the status quo and make a difference for themselves and their country. 

The Bottom Line: Friends, America cannot continue with the status quo. Deep down we all know that. The America we want starts with you and it starts with me and it starts Nov 3.

Editor’s Note: Gaylon is a candidate for the Colorado Libertarian Party’s US Senate nomination and is on the June 30th primary ballot. Click here to contribute. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody:  

Otherwise, I was very productive at the VSO…I got the day’s project work done and I updated, and even considered changing the design of, the Sparrow For US Senate website and I got my walk in. 

Click here get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
History’s Long March

In  1859 – Construction begins on the Suez Canal, with a groundbreaking ceremony in Said, Egypt. It was constructed and financed by the private Suez Canal Company, organized and run by Ferdinand de Lesseps of France. It opened in November 1869, it connected the Mediterranean Sea with the Red Sea and archeologists have traced canal building in the area at least back to 1,800 years before Christ. de Lesseps would later organize initial construction on the Panama Canal before his company ran out of money. 

In 1993 – Michael Williams of the Minnesota Timberwolves establishes a new NBA record for most consecutive free throws made in a 113-111 win over the Utah Jazz. Williams was 10-10 from the line, giving him 84 straight free throws made, breaking the record of 78 established by Calvin Murphy in 1980-81. It was the regular-season finale and Williams would extend the record to 97 consecutive free throws the following season and the record still stands. Williams’ season percentage of 90.7% was the fourth-best in the league. 

In 1981 – Smokey Robinson is at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart – then known as the Hot Soul Singles chart – for the fourth of five consecutive weeks. The song also went to #1 in on pop charts in New Zealand and Great Britain, peaked at #2 on the Hot 100 and was Billboard’s 13th biggest pop song of the year. It was the second and final soul chart #1 for Robinson and remains his biggest pop solo hit. Robinson originally wrote the song for Kim Carnes, whose hit Bette Davis Eyes  Being With You out of the #1 spot. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool. – Richard P. Feynman 

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The Woolworth Building was surpassed as the world’s tallest building in 1930 by 40 Wall Street.

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who led the NBA in free throw percentage in the 1992-93 season? – Answer next time!

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