The Daily Dose/March 16, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

CRYSTAL BALL ME: There is going to come a time when we are going to have to get back to a normal life. Regardless of whether or not the coronavirus and its attendant illness COVID-19 is eradicated or even somewhat contained, we cannot continue on lockdown like this forever nor with impunity. 

People need to earn livings and do the other things that mark the passing of a life. Big things like get married, hold basketball tournaments and travel abroad and mundane things like going out to dinner and buying toilet paper.   

Fly In The Ointment: Eventually, enough people will miss enough paychecks and they will get desperate and you get enough desperate people and there will be the chaos and violence that attends mass desperation. The first notes of this symphony are just now starting to be played as us humans – in an utterly human act – are hoarding everything from toilet paper and water to canned soup and canned meat. The first violence associated with toilet paper acquisition can’t be too far away. 

Running The Numbers: COVID-19 has killed 6,500 people on a planet with 7.7 billion people a figure that, expressed as a percentage, has a zero, a decimal point and six more zeros before you get to an eight. It is by and large avoiding children, mainly affecting older people already in poor health. We are mindful of the fact infections and deaths are still going up and that the 6,500 dead died earlier than they otherwise would have. A tragedy, certainly, and the way it’s been since time immemorial: some die too soon. 

More Fly In The Ointment: Presuming we don’t eradicate it, there is going to come a time when us humans are going to have to accept the death toll associated with COVID-19. We can’t isolate countries and shut down society forever. This is one time when a comparison with influenza is appropriate: we long ago came to terms with the deaths the flu causes. People get sick and die. It’s the way the world is built and long ago the influenza death toll has become part of the human experience. We don’t give it a second thought, much less lockdown society. 

The Bottom Line: Eventually we will come to terms with whatever havoc COVID-19 chooses to wreck on us. The sooner we cut to the chase and get back to normal, the better off we will be.  

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: There are bare shelves at the retailer. Today’s Diary.  

Human nature is taking over and the retailer had a lot of empty shelves this morning and I’ll be honest, human nature took over in ol’ Sparrow, too, as I stocked up on some things just in case…This makes no sense I was telling myself even as I was clearing a shelf of just-in-case macaroni and cheese and some other things…

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 1985 – Associated Press reporter Terry Anderson is taken hostage in Beirut, on the street after playing tennis, captured by Hezbollah Shiite Muslims in an attempt to drive US forces from Lebanon. Anderson was stuffed into the trunk of a car, moved from time to time and remained a hostage for 6 years and 9 months. Anderson was released in Dec 1991. In 2004 Anderson ran for the Ohio State Senate, getting 46 percent of the vote. 

In 1996 – Mike Tyson regains the heavyweight boxing championship of the world, defeating Frank Bruno in a third-round technical knockout in Las Vegas. Tyson had first won the heavyweight title as a 20-year-old in 1986 and lost it to Buster Douglas in 1990, still one of sport’s greatest upsets. Tyson would lose the title to Evander Holyfield in 1997 and last fought for the title in 2002, a loss to Lennox Lewis. 

In 1996 – One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the 16th and final consecutive, then a record for most weeks at #1 on the Hot 100. The song broke the record of 14 weeks established by Whitney Houston (I Will Always Love You, 1992-93) and Boyz II Men (I’ll Make Love To You, 1994). The record was tied in 2017 by Luis Fonzi and Daddy Yankee featuring Justin Bieber (Despacito) and is now held by Lil Nas X who spent 19 weeks at #1 with Old Town Road in 2019, a mark which includes one week as a solo act and 18 weeks with Billy Ray Cyrus. Carey’s 19 #1 songs are one behind the Beatles 20 #1 songs for the all-time Hot 100 record. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

The unresponsiveness of a god is no obstacle to his popularity…  – Will Durant, The Story of Civilization, Vol I: Our Oriental Heritage 

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Five NHL defensemen – Bobby Orr, Paul Coffey, Al MacInnis, Brian Leetch and Denis Potvin – have scored 100 or more points in a season. Orr and Coffey did it six times, the others once. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What was Mariah Carey’s first #1 song on the Hot 100? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/March 15, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
Celebrating the very best of the very worst of the week that was…

1. COVID-19 – 404 more deaths worldwide Saturday brings total to 5,833, though Saturday’s daily figure down 44 from Friday’s to-date high…Death rate up slightly to 3.7%, though actual figure probably lower as milder cases probably not reported. 

2. UFC – Shows world who’s boss by conducting fight cards, amending rules to include virus spreading as legal form of winning fight by submission…Provides humanity with much-needed answer to burning question ‘Can UFC title be awarded even if no one cares about the outcome?”

3. The Bottom Ten – Hilarious ranking of worst college, pro football on thin ice for fall, as B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” you can’t rank teams that aren’t playing…To keep morale up throughout US, B-10 pollsters self-quarantine at B-10 headquarters, keeping selves busy washing hands, not French kissing Asians, polishing treasured B-10 trophies. 

4. President Trump Fact Check – Special COVID-19 edition. Click here for hot new material from the Misinformer-in-Chief

5. President Trump Fact Check II – Click here for even more from president completely out of his element against virus he can’t berate and insult on Twitter. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

Free on Sunday! Free on Sunday!
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow finally decides how to wear his new phone holster. Today’s Diary. 

It took a while, but I finally decided on how to wear my new cell phone holster…Recall my fancy-pants leather one broke about ten years before I thought it should have and I replaced it with a $10 nylon one that I was immediately pleased with…It’s versatile, too, able to rest on your belt perpendicularly or so the pouch faces either forward or backward and regular readers of this crap may – or they may not – recall I did no small amount of field testing to decide which way I wanted the opening to face.  

Testing on this vital matter actually ended a week or two ago and it wasn’t a tuff decision: having the phone slide in from the front seems entirely more natural than backward, so convenient the choice was actually made for me. 

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 2019 – Shootings at two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand kill 51 people and injure 49. The alleged shooter, Brenton Tarrant, then 28, said in a written manifesto he had planned the attacks for two years and selected his targets three months earlier. The alleged perpetrator was arrested while driving away from the second attack, believed to be headed to a third one. He has pleaded not guilty, his trial scheduled to begin in June. It remains the deadliest mass shooting in New Zealand history. 

In 1970 – Bobby Orr of the Boston Bruins becomes the first NHL defenseman to score 100 points in a season in a 5-5 tie with the Detroit Red Wings. Orr came into the game with 97 points and had two goals and two assists with point number 100 coming on a short-handed goal in the second period. Orr would finish the season with 120 points, becoming the first defenseman to win the scoring title and the following season he scored 139 points, still the NHL record single-season mark for a defenseman. 

In 1969 – Tommy Roe is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first of four consecutive weeks with Dizzy. It was the 16th Top 40 hit for Rowe, his fifth of six Top 10 hits and his second and final #1 song (Sheila, 1962). The song also went to #1 in Canada and Great Britain, was Billboard’s sixth-biggest song of the year and ranked 427th on their 60th anniversary Hot 100 in 2018. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

…fools can invent more hypotheses than philosophers can ever refute, and philosophers often join them in the game.  – Will Durant, The Story of Civilization, Vol I: Our Oriental Heritage 

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Dolly Parton’s Baby I’m Burnin’ was the first song to appear on Billboard’s pop, soul and dance charts, doing so 1979. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

How many NHL defensemen have finished a season with at least 100 points? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/March 13, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON HERE?: We’re still not entirely sure if humanity’s losing its collective mind over the coronavirus or not. 

Running The Numbers: On the one hand, people keep dying. Thursday’s 354 deaths brought the worldwide death toll to 4,984 and was the highest daily figure yet. And the COVID-19 death rate of roughly 3.5 percent is significantly higher than the flu’s death rate of .1 percent. 

A Dissenting Opinion: On the other hand, there are 7.7 billion people on this planet and, relatively speaking, the number of people dying is small, almost statistically insignificant. On still another hand, the planet does not need another contagious respiratory illness running around. 

Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Jury: Our question, though, is, what is going to happen when COVID-19 becomes the norm? Because we haven’t wiped out the flu and it’s not reasonable to expect we’ll wipe this out, either. 

We can’t stay in lockdown forever. Us humans are, eventually, going to need to congregate in groups of more than a hundred. We’re going to need to go to conventions and root for our favorite teams and generally start being us again. 

Money Talks, COVID Walks: We suspect that eventually, the economic impact will become sufficiently catastrophic that we will collectively shrug and say screw it, go ahead and do things again because time sanctifies everything and those who make money will grow weary of losing it and want to start making it again. 

Fly In The Ointment: Which begs the question of why are we shutting down now, but we’re human and we are responding in a thoroughly human manner. Someone canceled this and then someone canceled that and before you know it everyone’s becoming part of the herd. It’s the way the world is built. And while we suspect we’re overreacting, maybe we’re not. 

Dry, Technical Matter: But we still remain baffled by the toilet paper hoarding. Fortunately, we stocked up while stores still had it. If you come bearing gifts we might favor you with a roll or two. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has the latest MPG figure for the new ride. Today’s Diary. 

I filled up today at the new convenience store in our small town and the MPG figure for the new ride continues to increase – up over 1.5 MPG from last week – the horrors of last month’s sub-30 MPG figure now, thankfully, a distant memory. 

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 1862 – The United States Congress passes an Act Prohibiting The Return of Slaves, prohibiting US military and naval personnel from returning slaves who had fled their owners during the Civil War. The act would be signed by President Lincoln and nullified the Fugitive Slave Act, which required the returning of slaves and also laid the foundation for the Emancipation Proclamation, which Lincoln signed the following January. 

In 1962 – The Boston Celtics establish a new NBA record for most wins in a season, winning their 60th game 142-110 over the Syracuse Nationals, now the Philadelphia 76ers, breaking the record of 59 they had established in the 1959-60 season. The Celtics would break this record with 62 wins in 1964-65 and the record for most wins in an NBA season is now held by the Golden State Warriors, who won 73 games in 2015-16. The Celtics would go on to win the NBA title, defeating the Los Angeles Lakers 4 games to 3 in the NBA Finals. 

In 1976 – The Four Seasons are at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first of three consecutive weeks December, 1963 (Oh, What A Night). It was the fifth and final #1 song for the group and their first since Rag Doll in 1964. The song also went to #1 in Canada, South Africa and Great Britain, was Billboard’s fourth biggest song of the year and the song returned to the Hot 100 in 1994, peaking at #14. The song was written originally set in 1933, celebrating the end of Prohibition. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

When a simpleton abused him, Buddha listened in silence; but when ‘the man had finished, Buddha asked him: “Son, if a  man declined to accept a present made to him, to whom would it belong?” The man answered: “To him who offered it.” “My son,” said Buddha, “I decline to accept your abuse, and request you to keep it for yourself.”  – Will Durant, The Story of Civilization, Vol I: Our Oriental Heritage 

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Sonny James holds the Billboard country chart record for most consecutive #1 songs with 16 between 1967 and 1971.
Editor’s Note: holiday songs and duets are not considered when counting consecutive #1 songs. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

How many #1 songs did the Four Seasons have in Great Britain? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/March 12, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL: Damn. 

The coronavirus and its attendant illness COVID-19 certainly appear to be running away with Virus/Illness of the Year honors. Countries are restricting travel with some in lockdown altogether. Sporting events worldwide are being played in empty facilities or being postponed and, as usual for us humans, there is no shortage of information out there that will tell you what you want to hear, though this item is trying its darndest not to do that. 

Every Cloud Has An Adam Silver Lining: The NBA announced Wednesday night it was suspending the remainder of its regular season which is actually good news. The average NBA game is relatively meaningless and we’ve long felt the NBA could routinely abandon one-fifth of its regular-season schedule without complete disruption of the natural order.  

NBC Sick As A Peacock: While the upcoming Tokyo Olympics haven’t been canceled or postponed – yet – the NCAA announced Wednesday their basketball tournaments would be played in empty arenas and the Ivy League said it wasn’t even bothering anymore, it canceled its entire spring sports season. 

You Make The Call: Prudence, or insanity? We’re not doctors and, thankfully, we’ve never been obliged to play one on TV, but we still think we’re overreacting a bit for an illness that is affecting a small part of the population and has a death rate of less than 4%. 

OTOH: Can you really be too careful? The virus is spreading and people are dying. Though China has advised the infection rate in their country is going down, the virus has now been reported in 114 countries and the death toll has passed 4,600. 

Dry, Technical Matter: So take precautions. And while we appreciate everyone buying sanitizers and whatnot, but we remain baffled by the toilet paper hoarding. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: As if more was required, Sparrow receives further proof the government sometimes does not know what it is doing. Today’s Diary.  

Mr H said the letter advised his claim was being denied because – and I am not making this up – because he was still in the service!!!…Again, I am not making that up: the VA thought this 60-something-year-old man was still in the Army…The official wording was he “had not completed his active duty commitment” despite the fact he had done so 40 years ago…

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 1933 – After a week in office, President of the United States Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) addresses the nation on radio, the first of his fireside chats as president. (FDR had previously conducted similar radio addresses as governor of New York.) FDR spoke about the bank holiday he had ordered on March 6 and which was due to end the following day. FDR spoke for 13 minutes and 42 seconds and all told delivered 30 fireside chats while president, through June 1944. 

In 1974 – Bobby Orr of the Boston Bruins becomes the first NHL player to score 100 or more points in five consecutive seasons in a 4-0 win over the Buffalo Sabres. Orr had a third period assist and finished the season with 122 points. Orr would extend the record to six seasons in 1974-75, a mark that would later be tied by Mike Bossy and his now held by Wayne Gretzky (13). 

In 1966 – Buck Owens is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles chart – for the fourth of seven consecutive weeks with Waitin’ in Your Welfare Line. It was the ninth of 15 consecutive #1 country songs for Owens, then a country chart record, and his ninth of 20 #1 records overall. The song also peaked at #57 on Billboard’s Hot 100. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

…power, like taxes, succeeds best when it is invisible and indirect.  – Will Durant, The Story of Civilization, Vol I: Our Oriental Heritage 

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Two members of the group Badfinger, Pete Ham and Tom Evans, wrote the song Without You. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who holds Billboard’s country chart record for most consecutive #1 singles? – Answer next time!

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