The Daily Dose/December 23, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

THE SMOKING LAMP IS LIGHTED…IF YOU’RE 21 OR OVER: Lost in the defense spending legislation recently passed by Congress and signed by President Trump is the raising of the legal age to smoke from 18 to 21. 

Dry, Technical Matter: The new law takes effect next summer and includes vaping products. The United States will join Honduras as the only countries in the Americas whose legal tobacco age is 21. Everyone else’s is 18, though some states and municipalities have already raised the age limit in their jurisdictions to 21. 

FunFact: The African nation of Gabon has the world’s youngest legal age to buy tobacco. There you only have to be 12-years-old to legally buy a pack of smokes. 

Back On Message: A couple of thoughts: one, if you’re old enough to vote and to go to war, you should be old enough to smoke. Two, proponents like to say this will prevent more kids from smoking, but let’s not kid ourselves, anyone who hasn’t started smoking by the time they’re 21 probably is on their way to a cigarette-free life. In fact, most figures we’ve seen show well over nine out of ten smokers started before they were 18. 

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: This isn’t going to stop anyone who really wants to from smoking. It is merely going to make criminals of those who are under 21 who had been smoking legally. Laws must reflect the way people live and people aged 18-21 smoke and passing a law isn’t going to change that. The law will merely be ignored which means all we’ve done is create another class of criminals. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow trots out his Spanglish at the hotel. Today’s Diary. 

About 0300 a Mexican guy walks in announcing he has a reservacion…He has little English, so I trot out my pretty serviceable Spanglish which he evidently interprets to mean I’m f*cking Don Juan because he starts hablaing like we’re Latino diplomats negotiating a trade agreement.

I suspected from the start he had the wrong hotel…All of our incoming reservations were in, but I checked Sunday’s incoming reservations just to make sure and there wasn’t anything there, either, not under his name and not under the name of whoever made the reservation…So, more or less speaking in tongues, I manage to ask him if he has an email confirmation…He dutifully gets out his phone and shows me a text thread that has the addresses of Hotel A and Hotel B, where I used to work, both of which are next door. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1688 – King James II of England flees his country for Paris after being deposed by his daughter Mary and her husband, Holland’s Prince William of Orange. Both had landed in England in November at the invitation of members of the English elite, who feared a Catholic dynasty. James was also deposed as king of Scotland, where he had reigned as James VII and after failing to regain his thrones the following year, he spent his remaining years in France. 

In 1933 – Howie Morenz of the Montreal Canadiens establishes a new NHL record for most career goals in a 3-0 win over the Detroit Red Wings. Morenz’s third period goal gave him 249 for his career, breaking the record that had been established by Cy Denneny of both Ottawa and Boston between 1917 and 1029. Morenz died the following year from complications after breaking a leg in a game and finished his career with 271 goals. The record is now held by Wayne Gretzky with 894 career goals. 

In 1978 – Chic is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the second of six non-consecutive weeks with Le Freak. The song also in its fourth of five weeks at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart, went to #1 in four other countries, including South Africa, and peaked at #7 in Great Britain. Due to when it charted, it was Billboard’s 3rd biggest hit of 1979 and placed 24th on their 60th anniversary Hot 100 in 2018. It was the first of two #1 songs for Chic (Good Times, 1979). 

Quotebook
One must wait until the evening to see how splendid the day has been. – Sophocles

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
David Seville’s real name was Ross Bagdasarian,

Today’s Stumper
How long did King William and Queen Mary rule over England? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 22, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was…

1. Nancy Pelosi – Your work was done when the House voted to impeach President Trump. Making delivery of the articles to the Senate contingent on the Senate making an agreement with you is nonsense. You are not in a position to demand anything.

2. Mitch McConnell – Why are you even bothering talking to Senate Democrats about how to conduct President Trump’s trial? You’re already on record that you’re going to acquit him, just ram through whatever the hell you want and get it over with.

3. United States of America – Celebrated 30 years of continuous, uninterrupted warfare this week…Since violence merely begets violence, it should be no surprise we have violent citizens and a violent world…We are entitled to see the world produced by an America at peace.

4. American Electorate – Has 317 days until it heralds to the world, and itself, whether it will continue to tolerate a partisan, fractured and bickering government or whether it is ready to make some changes…They are on the clock, too, because if they don’t do something soon America will collapse, perhaps before this half-century is out.

5. College Football Bowl Games – Yeah, History was/is demanding to see if Buffalo could be Charlotte in the Bahamas, or if Washington State can beat some airdale officer candidates in game played in a baseball stadium and named after a snack cracker…Had a 32-team NCAA Division I Football Playoff begun on Thanksgiving weekend, the national semifinals would have been played yesterday.  

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: The Wife is off to attend to her sister for a couple of weeks. Today’s Diary. 

This brings up the question of whether or not to purchase and make the Christmas prime rib…I was actually at the store Friday afternoon – in the meat department inspecting prime ribs – after getting off from the VSO when The Wife, with Movie of the Week timing, called to warn me not to buy anything…This will be far from the first time I’ve fended for myself for a holiday dinner – tho the first in many years – and I usually don’t like to expend a whole hell of a lot of effort, but boy, prime rib is 1) easy enuff to make so that I don’t even screw it up and, 2) really good and I’ve been looking forward to our Christmas prime rib for weeks.

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1807 – The Embargo Act is passed by the United States Congress and signed by President Thomas Jefferson, in response to violations of American neutrality at sea during the Napoleonic Wars between France and Great Britain. The embargo was a disaster in all parts of the United States while Britain found new markets for its goods and also benefited from the lack of American competition. It was repealed in March 1809. 

In 1996 – Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Kordell Steward establishes a new NFL record for longest touchdown run by a quarterback, an 80-yard run in the second quarter of an 18-14 loss to the Carolina Panthers. The record is now held by Tyrelle Pryor, who had a 93-yard touchdown run for the Oakland Raiders in 2013. 

In 1958 – The Chipmunks with David Seville are at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first of four consecutive weeks with The Chipmunk Song. Earlier in the year Seville had hit #1 without the Chipmunks with a song called Witch Doctor. The song would reappear in the Top 40 in both January and December of 1962, spending a week on the chart both times. It was the last Christmas song to top the Hot 100 until Mariah Carey hit #1 with All I Want For Christmas Is You on the Hot 100 chart that was issued yesterday. 

Quotebook
In this troublesome world, we are never quite satisfied. – Abraham Lincoln

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The longest word ever used in a crossword puzzle is 58 letters, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, a town in southeast Wales.

Today’s Stumper
What was David Seville’s real name? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 21, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON HERE?: What’s really funny to watch about our politicians, us humans, really, is how they engage in behavior they’ve earlier condemned. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is doing just that right now. Fresh off of ignoring interference in the House’s impeachment investigation – as she had every right to do – she is now delaying delivering the two articles of impeachment to the United States Senate until Senate Republicans come to an agreement on, among other things, letting witnesses be called. 

Fly In The Ointment: Pelosi has as much right to make those demands as you and I do, which is to say none at all. The Senate is fully within its rights to hold whatever trial it can get a majority of senators to vote for, just like the House was within its rights to conduct its investigation however it saw fit. 

Dry, Technical Matter: This brings up a rather dull argument about whether or not President Trump has actually been impeached. On the one hand, sure, of course, he has, the House voted to do so this week. On the other hand, those who say he really hasn’t because the Senate is not in receipt of the articles of impeachment have a point, too, because it’s a two-part process: the House impeaches and the Senate holds a trial. You can’t have one without the other, it’s right there in the Constitution. The House has the sole power of impeachment and the Senate the sole power to try all impeachments.    

Get Your Daily Dose Policy Right Here: We’ve said this before: impeachment, almost by definition, is a partisan process, but this whole imbroglio is giving almost daily lessons in partisan one-upmanship. Taking into consideration the current fractured, bickering and partisan state of both America’s government and her citizens, this is hardly a surprise, though.    

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: The Wife hires a maid to help clean The Shire. 

Now, I am on record as enjoying vacuuming, especially with our world-class Kirby, and regular readers of this crap know it’s about the only household cleaning chore I am any good at…But…We’re paying Maria a C note for four hours of work – and The Wife always lets her knock off waaay early – so why the hell am I vacuuming???…Well, because The Wife asked me to, that’s why…The upside is it does keep me from having to get on my knees and scrub something and don’t think I’m not cognizant of this. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1913 – The first crossword puzzle appears in the New York World. It had been invented by World employee Arthur Wynne and was diamond-shaped with a hollow center. Though similar to other puzzles, it was the first puzzle to provide boxes for players to enter letters into. It was initially known as the word-cross puzzle and became the cross-word puzzle after a typesetting error and, of course, the hyphen was eventually dropped. 

In 1975 – George Blanda of the Oakland Raiders becomes the first NFL player to score 2,000 points in a career in a 28-20 victory over the Kansas City Chiefs. Blanda kicked four extra points in the game, giving him 2,002 points for his career. Blanda’s mark is now good for seventh on the all-time list and the mark is now held by Adam Vinatieri with 2,673. Blanda had come into the NFL in 1949 with the Chicago Bears and his 26 seasons of professional football remain an NFL record. 

In 1985 – Lionel Ritchie is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the first four consecutive weeks with Say You, Say Me. The song went to #1 in four other countries, including Norway and South Africa, peaked at #8 in Great Britain and would later spend two weeks at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart. Due to when it charted, Say You, Say Me was Billboard’s second-biggest hit of 1986 and won both Golden Globe and Academy awards for Best Original Song. It was Ritchie’s fifth and final #1 song as a solo act. 

Quotebook
How not to be forgotten? How to retain the floor for life? That was the question ambition asked but did not answer. – Gore Vidal, Washington, D.C. 

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Marke Howe is the NHL’s all-time leader in career shorthanded goals by a defenseman with 28. To date, 586 NHL defensemen have scored a shorthanded goal. 

Today’s Stumper
What is the longest word ever used in a published crossword puzzle? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 20, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

USA! USA!: Lost in the impeachment cacophony is the anniversary of America’s invasion of Panama 30 years ago today. America has been at war every day since. That’s 30 years of non-stop violence; three decades without a day of peace. 

Dry, Technical Matter: The invasion lasted a bit more than five weeks and resulted in the capture of Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega. He was convicted of assorted crimes in the United States, then later sent to France, who convicted him of money laundering, before being sent back to Panama, where he died in 2017. The invasion was a complete success because since deposing Noriega all drug use in the United States has ceased. 

Back On Message: The consequences of 30 years of continuous warfare cannot be exaggerated; they are as wide as they are devastating. 

Leading Off: First, we have a violent world, because the only dividend violent US intervention produces is more violent US intervention. You can’t argue with this. War does not produce peace. If it did, it would have done so by now. But it doesn’t. War only produces more war. 

And In This Corner: It has also produced a violent America, an America that is a veritable shooting gallery right now. 

Consider This: Do peaceful governments produce violent citizens? Of course, they don’t. Peaceful nations by and large have peaceful citizens. Americans are violent because we don’t know any better: rancor and violence are America’s go-to reaction to everything now. Three decades of continuous warfare have given us an entire generation of Americans, plus their offspring, that have never known a peaceful day in their lives. 

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: Anybody who tries to tell you America can survive at, much less flourish in, perpetual war is either deluding themselves, trying to delude you or, as likely as not, both. We can’t. No nation has survived perpetual war and America will not be the exception to that. Eventually, it will destroy our country, perhaps before this half-century is out. 

This Is More Daily Dose Policy, Isn’t It?: The time has come to see the world produced by an America at peace. Nobody is going to give it to us, though. We must demand it at the ballot box on Election Day. We must have the courage to shed the status quo and demand the government we deserve. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow is the first customer at the new conveniences store in his small town. Today’s Diary. 

There are still four minutes to go, but I’m warm enough and then everyone else gets out and a line starts forming…Bully for them…They are all safely behind me and they can fight it out for second customer honors, about as memorable as being Henry VII or part of Apollo 12, nice, but who gives a rat’s ass…Then I start rethinking my strategy of filling the travel mug…The coffee station is in the left corner – relative to the front door – and what if someone gets something closer, and quicker, to the checker???…I’m screwed…So I go tactical, spot the donuts and muffin case, and decide to get something from there…It’s ten feet from the checker…I scope out the others in line, decide none of them are fit enuff to get to a checker before me.

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1968 – Two teenagers, David Faraday, 17, and Betty Lou Jensen, 16, are shot to death in Benicia, California, a bit northeast of San Francisco, the first confirmed victims of a killer History refers to as the Zodiac Killer. The Zodiac Killer would attack at least five more people through October 1969, two of whom survived. The killer wrote letters to Bay Area newspapers and police and later claimed to have killed 37 people. Though police had a variety of suspects, no one was ever charged and the case is closed in some jurisdictions while remaining open in others. 

In 1985 – Denis Potvin of the New York Islanders establishes a new NHL record for career points by a defenseman in a 2-2 tie against the New York Rangers. Potvin’s assist on a first-period goal by Mike Bossy gave him 916 career points, breaking the record established by Bobby Orr of the Boston Bruins and the Chicago Black Hawks. Potvin would retire after the 1998 season with 1,052 points, a mark now good for seventh on the all-time list, and the record is now held by Ray Bourque, who had 1,579 points between 1979 and 2001. Orr’s mark is now eleventh on the all-time list. 

In 1969 – Peter, Paul & Mary are at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for their only week with Leaving on a Jet Plane. The song also went to #1 in Canada and peaked at #2 in Great Britain. It was the sixth Top 10 hit for the group, their first #1 song and their final chart appearance. The song was written by John Denver. 

Quotebook
You have to believe. You have to play brave. – Martin Kaymer, professional golfer

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
There were eight bowl games following the 1964 college football season: Rose, Orange, Sugar, Cotton, Liberty, Sun, Bluebonnet and Gator.   

Today’s Stumper
Who holds the all-time NHL record for most shorthanded goals by a defenseman? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 19, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

GET OUT YOUR HISTORY BOOKS: Donald Trump became the third president of the United States impeached by the House of Representatives Wednesday, 

Dry, Technical Matter: Trump joins Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton as presidents who have been impeached. Both were acquitted in their US Senate trials, Johnson by one vote. And barring a palace coup, Trump is expected to be acquitted in whatever the US Senate decides to pass off as a trial. 

More Dry, Technical Matter: How the Senate decides to adjudicate the articles is entirely up to them, just like the impeachment process was conducted at the sole discretion of the House. It is entirely possible Republican senators will convene one day, approve a motion to dismiss the articles and then call it a day. We think that’s about as likely as a palace coup that would convict the president, but the Senate could do that without anyone being able to say word one about it. 

Please Pass The Dry, Technical Matter: Nobody should be surprised at any of this because both impeachment articles stem from actions that are part and parcel of how Trump does business. Article One charges him with improperly pressuring Ukraine to conduct investigations that would benefit him. 

This is hardly a bulletin because Trump has been manipulating people for his own gain since he left the womb. Trump is obstructing something detrimental to him, as charged in Article Two? This, too, is straight out of the Trump playbook. 

This Whole Column Was Dry, Technical Matter, Wasn’t It?: President Trump’s US Senate trial will probably begin in January. For reference, Andrew Johnson’s trial began March 6, 1868, and adjourned May 26, a period which included a ten-day recess, and Bill Clinton’s trial lasted from January 7, 1999, until February 12. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow gets some face time with Kelly, his department head at the VSO. Today’s Diary. 

I told her I had some concerns, namely that the VSO has a private office that is out of the way…Veterans talk about a lot of personal things, both things associated with their claims and unrelated stuff that still bugs them about their service…She nodded and said she agreed with me and mentioned something about a cubicle and an interview room and I said no, a cubicle and an interview room would not be acceptable and, honestly, I had no problems with staying where I am now, something she doesn’t like at all…

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

The Bottom Ten/NCAA Final: Like a colonoscopy, it’s all over, the race for the ESPNCup concluded with Akron, UMess and UTEP earning spots on the final Bottom Ten medal stand.

Here are some funny lines for this week’s NCAA Bottom Ten:

Miners did rank Dead Last in 4th Down Conversion Defense, allowing first downs on fourth down nine (9) of ten (10) times…It would have been more, but UTEP opponents didn’t face fourth down all that often.

New Mexicans first joint entry to earn final B-10 ranking since Border Patrol entry (Tijuana Tech, Juarez State) in 1952.

Army hampered by pregame Defense Secretary ruling requiring all audibles to be called by yelling “SEA POWER” at top of lungs…NCAA rule requiring victor to score more points than opponent didn’t help either.

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 17: The Bengals are back on top in the race for the most coveted trophy in sports: The Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy.

Here are some funny lines from this week’s NFL Bottom Ten:

…the New York Giants blinked, defeating Miami, though it should be pointed out a lot of teams have beaten Miami this season. 

Lost in cacophony over Patriots filming Bengals signals is fact Bengals themselves never knew them in the first place…

Colts defense already in offseason mode, giving up 30.75 ppg in last four outings…

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1932 – The BBC Empire Service, now the BBC World Service, debuts as a shortwave radio service to Commonwealth nations. In their first show, the announcer advised listeners, with typical British understatement, to keep expectations low, as “The programmes will neither be very interesting nor very good”. Shows in other languages began in 1938 and by the end of 1942 shows were aired in all major European languages. Today the BBC World Service broadcasts in English 24-hours a day and also offers programming in over 40 other languages. 

In 1964 – Utah defeats West Virginia 32-6 in the Liberty Bowl. Played at the Atlantic City Convention Hall, it was the first major division bowl game played indoors. (The small college Boardwalk Bowl had first been played there in 1961.) With the exception of eight-yard end zones, the field was regulation size, with a four-inch grass surface on top of two inches of burlap. The Liberty Bowl had debuted in Philadelphia five years earlier and would move to its current home in Memphis the following year. The game, televised by ABC, was the first time an overhead camera had been used in a football broadcast. 

In 1953 – Michael Torok is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Best Selling Retail Folk Records chart – for the second and final consecutive week with Caribbean. It was Torok’s first chart single, the first of his two Top 40 country hits, and the song also peaked at #26 on Billboard’s soul chart. Though Torok had limited chart success as a recording act, he had a successful songwriting career both on his own and with Jim Reeves and with his wife, Gail. Now 90, Torok is lives in south Texas and where he paints and writes songs. 

Quotebook
Franklin was, at one and the same time, a common and most uncommon man. – David Schoenbrun, triumph In Paris: The Exploits of Benjamin Franklin

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The fastest human beings have traveled is 24,791 MPH, done by the crew of Apollo 10 when returning to Earth from the moon in 1969.  

Today’s Stumper
How many bowl games were there following the 1964 college football season? – Answer next time!

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