The Daily Dose/September 30, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around our human experience:

BACK TO THE FUTURE: The quotes were straight out of the Cold War, a representative of one government saying in a UN speech that a bloc of nations was hell-bent on evil. He talked about “the aspirations of a number of states for domination”, about the use of “unilateral force” and how “military interference has become the norm” despite the fact it doesn’t work. 

What was funny, and telling, was that it wasn’t a US or British representative giving the speech, it as Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. 

Dry, Technical Matter: Intrigued, and in a desire for some context, we actually went and read Mr Lavrov’s speech. It wasn’t too bad. Sure, there was some of the usual bluster you’d expect in a UN address from the evil Ruskies, but there was some sense, too. Our favorite quote was this: 

It is hard for the West to accept seeing its centuries-long dominance in world affairs diminishing…

Here, Swallow This Pill: There’s some truth in this statement: to think the United States, which sets the pace for the West, still has the influence it once did is folly. Our influence has diminished because we are no longer a country anyone wants to emulate. America is nothing more than a big bully now, willing and able to butt in wherever it wants, despite the fact the dividends for this interference are non-existent. The only dividend war provides is more war; a violent American government has only produced a violent planet and a violent country. 

Some Philosophy Crap: Our planet and our nation desperately want and need an America worth looking up to and we are not going to have that until we have an America at peace with the world and itself, an America that means something both to itself and to others. An America perpetually at war does not do anyone any good. Everyone on this planet is entitled to see the world produced by am America at peace. 

Today At The Site:
The Diary of a Nobody: The Wife blows $5 on a gallon of water. Today’s Diary. 

The Wife also stopped by the water aisle and spent $5 on a gallon of water!!!…I am not making that up…It must have been holy water from the confluence of the Tigris and the Euphrates to cost that much…Regular readers of this crap know I have some zero use for buying water and $5 is a lot.

Tho I can remember living in Sin City and heading out of town with a buddy to umpire some high school baseball and I forgot water and I paid $4 for a gallon of cold water at a convenience store that had a brothel attached and I thought that was robbery…And that was 20 years ago…But there I was in the desert, at the junction with a road that headed to Death Valley and if you’re there and you need water you should be prepared to fork over…Here tho, there’s no point…I wanted to tell The Wife this town has the best tap water on the planet, but it’s been established she doesn’t want to hear that argument, so I keep it to myself now.

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life

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On This Date
In 1989 – The USS Blueback (SS-581) completes its final full day of commissioned service in the United States Navy. It would be decommissioned the following day, after almost 31 years of service, the last diesel submarine warship in the US fleet, though the research submarine USS Dolphin (AGSS-555) remained in service. The Blueback is now enjoying a useful retirement telling tales of a bygone era at a museum in Portland, Oregon. 

In 1947 – The 1947 World Series begins with the New York Yankees defeating the Brooklyn Dodgers 5-3 at Yankee Stadium. The series produced a number of firsts: Jackie Robinson became the first black to play in the World Series, it was the first World Series to be televised, the first to exceed $2 million (about $22 million in today’s money) in total receipts and the first to use six umpires. The Yankees would win the series in seven games. 

In 1978 – Exile is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first of four consecutive weeks with Kiss You All Over. The song also went to #1 in New Zealand and was Billboard’s 5th biggest song of the year. It remains Exile’s only #1 pop song and only a #40 hit later in the year prevented Exile from being a one-hit-wonder on the pop chart. They would later have ten #1 songs on Billboard’s country chart beginning in 1983, including seven in a row.

Quotebook
In times like these, it helps to remember there have always been times like these.
Paul Harvey
American radio announcer

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The American League record for most shutout losses in a season is 3o, done by the 1909 Washington Senators.

Today’s Stumper
Who was the MVP of the 1947 World Series? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/September 29, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5: Special Impeachment Edition
A look at the five (5) presidents who have had impeachment investigations opened against them:

1. Donald Trump – Offenses perhaps not as numerous or egregious as Nixon’s – yet – but Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” only Trump, members of the Mississippi Grand Wizard’s Alliance genuinely believe there is not enough information to warrant an impeachment investigation. 

2. Bill Clinton – Impeached by House Republicans envious because they couldn’t get dates with foxy, any, 23-year-old interns and ultimately acquitted in Senate trial…Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” that History would not be complaining too loudly had Clinton not been impeached. 

3. Richard Nixon – The impeachment standard even though he was not actually impeached, Nixon gets credit for brazening it out as long as possible, until it was clear even to him that not only would he be impeached, but convicted in the Senate as well…Still the only president to resign, he didn’t really deserve President Ford’s pardon, but Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure”  it was for the best. 

4. Andrew Johnson – The first president to be impeached who probably didn’t deserve it, Johnson, Lincoln’s successor, was impeached by the House for having the nerve to violate an act, passed over his veto, that was later repealed and declared unconstitutional…While even casual reading into Johnson shows he could have leveled up his people skills, he generally deserves better than History has given him. 

5. James Buchanan – Lincoln’s predecessor, was first president to have impeachment investigation opened, though this tidbit has generally been forgotten…Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure”  possessing such knowledge explains why they were single for so long…Investigating committee ultimately declined to take action.

Today At The Site:
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has really been kicking it up a notch in the sack lately. Today’s Diary. 

8.0 hours for the day and a robust 48.5 hours for the week…Now, that is 5.5 hours off last week’s Historically High (HH) total of 54 hours, but that included a twelve-hour sleep session, and those are rare…Also, with two 50+-hour sleep weeks this month, September’s monthly average is 48.75, identical to August and the highest monthly average since January’s 51.5-hour average….The Rolling 3-Month Average (R3MA) is an even 48.0 hours. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life

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On This Date
In 1864 – The Treaty of Lisbon is signed by Portuguese and Spanish representatives, establishing the border between Spain and Portugal. Though the border was never in any great dispute, the treaty was designed to end disputes stemming from confusion ”at various points on the frontier”. The treaty abolished the microstate of Cuoto Misto on the northern border, its municipalities divided up between the two countries. 

In 1908 – The St Louis Cardinals establish a new major league record for being shutout in a season, losing to the Pittsburgh Pirates 7-0, their 33rd shutout of the season. The Cardinals would finish last in the major leagues with 372 runs scored and their record of 49-105 would put them 50 games behind the pennant-winning Chicago Cubs. Research into whose record the Cardinals broke was inconclusive, though the record still stands.  

In 1973 – Grand Funk, earlier known as Grand Funk Railroad, is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the only week with We’re an American Band. It was the fourth Top 40 hit for the band, their first Top 10 hit and the first of two #1s. The song also charted in Canada, where it reached #4, and Australia, where it peaked at #87. The song was written and sung by Grand Funk drummer Don Brewer and produced by Todd Rundgren. 

Quotebook
There is no great man in history who could have withstood the sort of journalism that focuses closely on issues of gossip.
Louis L’Amour
Education of a Wandering Man

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Jerome Travers has won the second-most US Amateur golf tournaments, four, between 1907 and 1913.

Today’s Stumper
Which team holds the American League record for most shutout losses in a season? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/September 28, 2019
by Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Friends. The Daily Dose will return.

Click here to read today’s edition of The Diary of a Nobody. 

The actual password was easy enuff, but she said we had to reset my security question, too…Please, for the love of all that is sacred, MAKE ALL SECURITY QUESTION ANSWERS SOMEONE’S NAME!!!…They are not subjective and do not change…Mother’s maiden is the standard here, of course, but dad’s middle name is good, too, as are sibling names, nicknames, anything ol’ Sparrow does not have to think too hard about.

None of her options were names, tho, I asked…Street names of where you lived as a kid are nice if you lived in the same goddamn house for 18 years, but the Sparrows moved several times…My first car is subjective, too…It could be dad’s Plymouth Valiant I drove the last year of high school, or it could be the VW Rabbit yours truly bought in the Navy…I got tired of the lousy options and went with VW Rabbit, but either her or yours truly couldn’t spell Volkswagen, so I still couldn’t enter the site and ended up saying screw it, putting it off for another time. 

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The Daily Dose/September 27, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Leading Off remains on holiday.

Today At The Site:
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow drives a fellow vet to his doctor’s appointment. Today’s Diary. 

We get to the doctor’s office and we’re a half-hour early because early is better than late and they’re closed for lunch so we sit in the common area and after a few minutes Mr R announces he has to use the can…I go looking for one and the other office is open and has one Mr R can use.

I don’t know if this is good or bad…On the one hand, he’s waiting to see the urologist, so you figure they’ll ask him to produce a sample so perhaps he could wait however at that age – hell, at my age – when you have to go you have to go…I’d rather have to wait for him to produce a sample than have him wet his pants…Besides, if you’re 90 and at the urologist odds are you’ll have no problem producing a sample in fairly short order anyway. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life

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On This Date
In 1590 – Pope Urban VII dies of malaria in the 13th day of his papacy, the shortest reign in history. Despite his short reign, History remembers Urban a couple of things: one, he instituted the first recorded smoking ban when he prohibited tobacco use in or near a church and he also began subsidizing bakers, so they could produce bigger loaves at less cost so the poor could more easily afford bread. Urban broke the shortest-reign record that had been held by Boniface VI, who reigned for 16 days in 896.

In 1930 – American Bobby Jones wins the US Amateur golf tournament in Merion, Pennsylvania, becoming the first golfer to win the Grand Slam, the four major tournaments in a calendar year. Earlier, Jones had won both the US and British Opens and the British Amateur. It was the fifth and final US Amateur win for Jones, a record that still stands. Though several golfers have won a career Grand Slam, and Tiger Woods won all four major titles consecutively in 2000 and 2001, Jones remains the only golfer to win the Grand Slam in the same year. With the win, Jones collected $60,000 in winnings, having bet on himself with British bookmakers, at 50-1 odds, that he would win all four tournaments.

In 1952 – Jo Stafford is at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart – a predecessor of the Hot 100 – for the first of five consecutive weeks with You Belong to Me. For Stafford, one of the most popular singers of the era, it was her 26th of 29 Top 10 hits on the chart and her third of four #1s and for a period in the 1950s Stafford had sold more records than any other female act in the world. The song also went to #1 in Great Britain, where it was the second #1 song ever there and the first by a woman.

Quotebook
Marriage, the last refuge of men unable to fend for themselves.
Garrison Keillor
Leaving Home
Editor’s Note: Gaylon has been keeping his quote book since 1988. This is the third entry.

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Diana Ross has had five #1 songs on Billboard’s soul chart.

Today’s Stumper
What golfer has the won the second most US Amatuer tournaments? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/September 26, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Leading Off remains on holiday.

Today At The Site:
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow fields a question from a drunk at the front desk. Today’s Diary. 

Anyway, the guy wanted to know if he could exchange the reward club points for drink coupons at the bar which, the guy being a friendly sort, made me laff…Q stepped in, issuing apologies and saying no, we can only offer bonus points, and the guy snapped his fingers and said “darn” which also made me laff…I wanted to tell him about shifters, how that if he worked here he could get a free, post-shift toddy, but I kept it to myself. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 5: Despite the fact 20% of NFL remain winless, the Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – is already the Miami Dolphins to lose – literally. 

This week’s generally hilarious outtakes:

B-10 pollsters surprised to see that googling “Dolphins” and “tanking” yielded 10.763 million results…

All NFL TV partners looking to flex schedule all remaining Bengals games to Cincinnati School District cable access channel…

Though not only division with two (2) 0-3 teams, AFC East gets nod over AFC North because B-10 pollsters didn’t want to hear Tom Brady whining about it on Twitter.

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On This Date
In 2008 – Swiss aviator Yves Rossy becomes the first person to fly across the English Channel in a jetpack.  His jetpack, also known as a jetwing, was powered by four small, kerosene powered jet engines and had a wingspan of just ender eight feet. He jumped out of an airplane over northern France at an altitude of 8,200 feet without a parachute and flew to England in 13 minutes. 

In 1998 – Dennis Eckersley of the Baltimore Orioles breaks the major league record for most appearances by a pitcher, appearing in his 1,071st career game, a 5-2 win over the Boston Red Sox breaking the record that had been established by Hoyt Wilhelm in 1968. Eckersley’s mark was broken the following year by Jesse Orosco, who retired with 1,252 appearances, still the major league record and Eckersley’s mark is now good for fifth on the all-time list. It was the final regular-season game for Eckersley, who would close out his career with an appearance in the playoffs.

In 1970 – Diana Ross is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the second of three consecutive weeks with Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. The song was written by the duo Ashford and Simpson and had first charted in 1967 when Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell took it to #19. The following week the song would spend its only week at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart and was Billboard’s sixth-biggest song of the year. It was Ross’ first #1 hit as a solo act after twelve #1 hits with the Supremes.

Quotebook
…memory finds paths away from a humiliation do terrible to accept.
Henry Wiencek
Master of the Mountain
Regards Thomas Jefferson owning enslaved family members.

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The first major league teams to play two games in one day, with separate admissions, were the Harford Dark Blues and the Cincinnati Red Stockings of the National League, who did so on Sept. 9, 1876. Hartford, the home team, won both games.

Today’s Stumper
How many #1 hits as a solo act has Diana Ross had on Billboard’s soul chart? – Answer next time!

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