The Daily Dose/September 8, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was: 

1. President Trump – Moon is part of Mars, Continental Army won Revolution by taking out British airports, it would follow president would believe hurricane closing in on Bahamas, Carolinas, would hit Alabama, which even your average KKK grand wizard knows is completely whack…We elected this. 

2. NFL – Players Association, which does not want to add more games to schedule, plans to propose letting results of domestic violence encounters count in standings…Tie games still possible as league, after a century in business, still unable to ensure every game has a winner. 

3. Basketball World Cup – American third-stringers undefeated at tournament, with spot in quarterfinals secured…With Coach K retirement, Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters scrambling for information on this Coach Popovich dude, wondering if he’s any good. 

4. Indian Space Program – Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters wanted to poke fun at Indian mission to moon that crash-landed in failure this week, however they’re still “pretty sure” Americans can’t send anything into space anymore, so are holding off, adding that anyone who brings American flag previously on moon to Sunday B-5 headquarters could be eligible for fabulous prizes. 

5. President Trump Fact Check – Click here for our weekly recap of the latest misinformation from a president either unwilling or unable to get his facts straight.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody:  The Wife plans to spend the day watching dogs herd sheep. Today’s Diary. 

The Wife planned to spend the day at something known as the stock dog trials, or some such nonsense, in a town south of here…The Wife drug me to one when we first got to town years ago and it’s as dull as it sounds: humans, who should know better, barking commands to dogs who then try to influence sheep…When we went they started trotting out the youngsters towards the end, and it was puppies trying to herd lambs which, while interesting to the five people with a technical interest in this, was even more boring, if that’s possible. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

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On This Date
In 1966 – The iconic television show Star Trek makes its American television debut. The show chronicles the travels of the starship Enterprise and the adventures of her crew, commanded by Captain James T, Kirk, played by William Shatner. Though Star Trek was canceled by NBC after three seasons, the series went into syndication almost immediately where it was more popular than it was on network TV, later spawning six other television series and 13 movies. Star Trek had actually premiered two days earlier in Canada. 

In 1896- The Baltimore Orioles win two games from the Louisville Colonels, 10-9 and 3-1, in National League action. The day before, the Orioles had swept a tripleheader from the Colonels, with both teams establishing major league records for most wins and losses on consecutive days that, due to current rules, can never be broken. With the five losses, the Colonels fell to 53 games behind the first-place Orioles in the National League. Both the Orioles and the Colonels were dropped by the National League after the 1899 season. 

In 1984 – Tina Turner is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the second of three consecutive weeks with What’s Love Got To Do With It? It was Turner’s second Top 40 solo hit and remains her only appearance at #1 on a major Billboard singles or album chart. The song also went to #1 in Canada and Australia, was Billboard’s second biggest song of the year and the 20th biggest of the 1980s. It also won Grammy Awards for Record of the Year, Song of the Year and Best Female Pop Vocal Performance.

Quotebook
I am not what I would want to be. That is why, to tell the truth, I have failed.
Gore Vidal
Creation

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The other instance of different versions of the same song following each other at #1 on a Billboard pop chart came in 1945, when It’s Been a Long, Long Time by Harry James and His Orchestra with Kitty Kallen preceded a version Bing Crosby with Les Paul and His Trio at #1 on the Best Sellers in Stores chart. 

Today’s Stumper
How many tripleheaders have been played in major league history? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/September 7, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around our human experience:

TAKE ME BACK OUT TO THE BALLGAME: Last week we chatted a bit about attending a couple of major league baseball games, our first in many years. In addition to taking advantage of free, club level seats, we wanted to see for ourselves the way the game has changed. 

On the field, we noted a game that had most people swinging for the fences. The two games produced nine home runs and 31 strikeouts, pedestrian figures for today, but numbers that would have been high a generation or two ago. It’s the way players choose to play the game right now. As soon as someone has sufficient brains to start hitting the ball the other way, the shifts will stop and batting averages will go up and strikeouts will stop outpacing hits. Baseball will survive this. 

Oh Yeah: In the stands, we saw a lot of fans arriving late and leaving early, but otherwise enjoying themselves. Most weren’t particularly interested in the nuances of the game, a night at the stadium being their revels for the evening, how they happened to choose to enjoy themselves that night.  

Fly In The Ointment: Our big complaint was the games are too long: we left early – once a treasonous offense – both nights. It takes more than three hours to play a major league baseball game nowadays and that is too long. The easiest way to shorten game times is to cut the time between innings from 2 minutes and 30 seconds to 1 minute and 30 seconds, but good luck with that. 

Let’s Try This: The next best way to do that is to call more strikes and the best way to do that is to actually use the strike one in the rule book. It’s actually pretty big, designed for any pitch that could reasonably be hit by the batter that is not swung at to be called a strike. 

Fly In The Ointment II: The strike zone has very little to do with those boxes you see on televised games. The boxes are one-dimensional and the strike zone is not. Home plate as five sides: one is 17 inches long, two are twelve inches long and the remaining two are 8.5 inches long. It runs from roughly the midpoint of the torso to the knees and it is entirely possible for a pitch to miss the TV box and still have part of the ball hit part of the strike zone, the rule book definition of a called strike. 

Oh Yeah: It is also entirely possible for a pitch to be both in and out of the strike zone at the same time. 

Dry, Technical Matter: Now, as a practical matter, most pitches call themselves and you do not want to call pitches that are out of the strike zone strikes. Nor do you want to call pitches in the strike zone balls. But every game there number of pitches that even the plate umpire isn’t too sure about. Call these strikes every time. You do that batters will be on their toes, swinging the bat and games will go quicker.

Final Answer: A bigger zone benefits everyone, especially the fan, who might well find themselves staying for the whole game. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow farts around with the cat’s canned yummies. Today’s Diary. 

The big news is I actually threw away some of the cat’s canned yummies…We get her the same brand, but recently I started buying individual cans instead of the 30-pack boxes simply for variety’s sake…Well, I made the mistake of getting some non-fish flavors, like chicken (which she actually liked), chicken and beef (which she ate under protest) and turkey and giblets, with gravy (which caused her to look at me as if I had given her an insecticide). 

I replaced them with a specially-selected assortment of fish-based rations and this morning she got one of the new Approved Flavors, not the one that has chunks of shrimp in it and looks like it would make a good sandwich, but it was still fish-based and she ate it right up…

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

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Click on the button to read all of The Diary of a Nobody. 

 $5.99 includes all entries, past, present, and future. 

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On This Date
In 1979 – Lee Iacocca, CEO of the Chrysler Corporation, asks the federal government for $1.5 billion in loan guarantees, to prevent the company from going out of business. Congress complied, while also requiring the company to rustle up $2 billion in concessions from employees, dealers and creditors, passing a loan guarantee act in December that was signed after the holidays by President Carter. Chrysler had the loan paid back by 1983 and Iacocca retired from Chrysler in in 1992.

In 1970 – Bill Shoemaker becomes horse racing’s all-time winningest jockey, winning the fourth race at Del Mar aboard Dares J. It was Shoemaker’s 6,033 win, eclipsing the record established by Johnny Longden. Shoemaker retired in 1990 with 8,833 wins and the record is now held by Russell Baze with 12,842 wins. Shoemaker’s now ranks third all-time behind Baze and Laffit Pincay, Jr (9,530) while Longden’s mark is now good for 18th on the all-time list. 

In 1946 – To Each His Own by Freddie Martin and His Orchestra is at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart – a predecessor of the Hot 100 – for the second and final week. It was the third of four #1 songs for Martin, who would spend a total of 14 weeks at the top. Martin’s version of To Each His Own  was preceded at #1 for three weeks by a version by Eddy Howard and His Orchestra, the second and final time different versions of the same song followed each other at #1 on a Billboard pop chart. Later in the year the Ink Spots would also spend a week at #1 with the song.

Quotebook
…you cannot blame a mirror for what it shows.
Gore Vidal
Empire

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Diana Ross has hit #1 13 times on Billboard’s soul chart, eight times with the Supremes and five times as a solo act.  

Today’s Stumper
When was the other instance of different versions of the same song following each other at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/September 7, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around our human experience:

TAKE ME BACK OUT TO THE BALLGAME: Last week we chatted a bit about attending a couple of major league baseball games, our first in many years. In addition to taking advantage of free, club level seats, we wanted to see for ourselves the way the game has changed. 

On the field, we noted a game that had most people swinging for the fences. The two games produced nine home runs and 31 strikeouts, pedestrian figures for today, but numbers that would have been high a generation or two ago. It’s the way players choose to play the game right now. As soon as someone has sufficient brains to start hitting the ball the other way, the shifts will stop and batting averages will go up and strikeouts will stop outpacing hits. Baseball will survive this. 

Oh Yeah: In the stands, we saw a lot of fans arriving late and leaving early, but otherwise enjoying themselves. Most weren’t particularly interested in the nuances of the game, a night at the stadium being their revels for the evening, how they happened to choose to enjoy themselves that night.  

Fly In The Ointment: Our big complaint was the games are too long: we left early – once a treasonous offense – both nights. It takes more than three hours to play a major league baseball game nowadays and that is too long. The easiest way to shorten game times is to cut the time between innings from 2 minutes and 30 seconds to 1 minute and 30 seconds, but good luck with that. 

Let’s Try This: The next best way to do that is to call more strikes and the best way to do that is to actually use the strike one in the rule book. It’s actually pretty big, designed for any pitch that could reasonably be hit by the batter that is not swung at to be called a strike. 

Fly In The Ointment II: The strike zone has very little to do with those boxes you see on televised games. The boxes are one-dimensional and the strike zone is not. Home plate as five sides: one is 17 inches long, two are twelve inches long and the remaining two are 8.5 inches long. It runs from roughly the midpoint of the torso to the knees and it is entirely possible for a pitch to miss the TV box and still have part of the ball hit part of the strike zone, the rule book definition of a called strike. 

Oh Yeah: It is also entirely possible for a pitch to be both in and out of the strike zone at the same time. 

Dry, Technical Matter: Now, as a practical matter, most pitches call themselves and you do not want to call pitches that are out of the strike zone strikes. Nor do you want to call pitches in the strike zone balls. But every game there number of pitches that even the plate umpire isn’t too sure about. Call these strikes every time. You do that batters will be on their toes, swinging the bat and games will go quicker.

Final Answer: A bigger zone benefits everyone, especially the fan, who might well find themselves staying for the whole game. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow farts around with the cat’s canned yummies. Today’s Diary. 

The big news is I actually threw away some of the cat’s canned yummies…We get her the same brand, but recently I started buying individual cans instead of the 30-pack boxes simply for variety’s sake…Well, I made the mistake of getting some non-fish flavors, like chicken (which she actually liked), chicken and beef (which she ate under protest) and turkey and giblets, with gravy (which caused her to look at me as if I had given her an insecticide). 

I replaced them with a specially-selected assortment of fish-based rations and this morning she got one of the new Approved Flavors, not the one that has chunks of shrimp in it and looks like it would make a good sandwich, but it was still fish-based and she ate it right up…

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

More drivel!
Click on the button to read all of The Diary of a Nobody. 

 $5.99 includes all entries, past, present, and future. 

Hut, hut hike: It’s Bottom Ten time. Click here to read the hilarious first two (2) weeks.

On This Date
In 1979 – Lee Iacocca, CEO of the Chrysler Corporation, asks the federal government for $1.5 billion in loan guarantees, to prevent the company from going out of business. Congress complied, while also requiring the company to rustle up $2 billion in concessions from employees, dealers and creditors, passing a loan guarantee act in December that was signed after the holidays by President Carter. Chrysler had the loan paid back by 1983 and Iacocca retired from Chrysler in in 1992.

In 1970 – Bill Shoemaker becomes horse racing’s all-time winningest jockey, winning the fourth race at Del Mar aboard Dares J. It was Shoemaker’s 6,033 win, eclipsing the record established by Johnny Longden. Shoemaker retired in 1990 with 8,833 wins and the record is now held by Russell Baze with 12,842 wins. Shoemaker’s now ranks third all-time behind Baze and Laffit Pincay, Jr (9,530) while Longden’s mark is now good for 18th on the all-time list. 

In 1946 – To Each His Own by Freddie Martin and His Orchestra is at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart – a predecessor of the Hot 100 – for the second and final week. It was the third of four #1 songs for Martin, who would spend a total of 14 weeks at the top. Martin’s version of To Each His Own  was preceded at #1 for three weeks by a version by Eddy Howard and His Orchestra, the second and final time different versions of the same song followed each other at #1 on a Billboard pop chart. Later in the year the Ink Spots would also spend a week at #1 with the song.

Quotebook
…you cannot blame a mirror for what it shows.
Gore Vidal
Empire

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Diana Ross has hit #1 13 times on Billboard’s soul chart, eight times with the Supremes and five times as a solo act.  

Today’s Stumper
When was the other instance of different versions of the same song following each other at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart? – Answer next time!

Share Gaylon! Go!

The Daily Dose/September 5, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow gets an atta boy card at the hotel. Today’s Diary.

Of course, I am always leery when receiving any communication other than an email from management, but even I doubted a pink slip would come in a greeting card envelope, so I opened it in good spirits…The card was nice, thanking me for being “dependable” and a “great part of the team”…Notable by its absence was any reference whatsoever to any technical brilliance I might possess, further proof the key to success in the night audit racket is showing up every nite.

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

More drivel!
Click on the button to read all of The Diary of a Nobody. 

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Hut, hut hike: It’s Bottom Ten time. Click here to read the hilarious first two (2) weeks.

On This Date
In 1774 – The First Continental Congress of the assorted British colonies in what would later become the United States meets for the first time in Philadelphia. According to the official journal of the day, members met a local tavern before walking to Carpenters Hall. There they elected Peyton Randolph president and Charles Thompson secretary before accepting delegate credentials. A motion to “draw up some rules of conduct” was, after some initial discussion, “deferred until tomorrow”.

1960 – Cassius Clay, later known as Muhammed Ali, wins the boxing gold medal in the light heavyweight division at the Rome Olympics, winning a 5-0 decision over Zbigniew Pietrzykowski of Poland. Clay would turn professional later that year and win the heavyweight title for the first time in 1964, defeating Sonny Liston. Clay changed his name later that year, first to Cassius X, then to Muhammed Ali. 

In 1960 – Elvis Presley is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the fourth of five consecutive weeks with It’s Now or Never. It was the 14th of 18 #1 songs of Elvis’ career and his 17th Top 10 hit. The song went to #1  six other countries, including Great Britain, where it spent eight weeks at the top and where it also went to #1 again in 2005. It’s Now or Never also peaked at #7 on Billboard’s soul chart, was Billboard’s 7th biggest song of the year and was ranked 118th on Billboard’s 60th-anniversary chart in 2018. As several of Elvis’ hit records tended to do, the B side also charted, with A Mess of Blues, peaking at #32.

Quotebook
…if his mind was preoccupied with emotions he couldn’t use it effectively.
John Creasy
 A Sharp Rise In Crime

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Paul McCartney had six #1 songs on the Billboard Hot 100 in the 1970s, either as a solo act, as part of a duo or with his group Wings. 

Today’s Stumper
How many other Americans won a boxing gold medal at the 1960 Rome Olympics? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/September 4, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Usually, we have too much integrity to use this august space to sell you something. 

Not today.

Next week our popular, funny feature The Bottom Ten goes behind a paywall. Those of you have already purchased access, either through your lifetime subscription to the site, or by buying the column specifically, do not need to do anything. Your very best life will continue next week. 

Those of you haven’t, though, now is a great time to get on board because 2019 Bottom Ten access is on sale for only $2.99, a $3 savings. I know, it’s an incredible offer, and it won’t last forever. It ends next week, so act today. Scroll down past today’s Bottom Ten preview and hit the Buy Now button.

Take The Bottom Ten test drive: click here to read the 2019 Bottom Ten columns. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow oversleeps. Today’s Diary. 

Good gravy, I slept too long today…I was up at 1500 or so to use the can and was feeling pretty good and almost put morning coffee on right then but, mindful of a full day at the Veteran Service Office on Wednesday, I figured I’d lay down for a couple of more hours…This would still have me up in plenty of time for a desperately needed workout and to scoot to the monthly meeting of our small town Legion post. 

Goodbye to that…The next thing I know it’s 1930, so late The Wife is about ready to retire herself, and there is no time for workout and the Legion post meeting, the first one since Bob H died, is already over…All there was really time for was some coffee and a meal and some farting around before it was time to head into the hotel. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 2 – The Interregnum Poll: All of you may resume breathing, it’s time for the usual, annual crap: the Interregnum Poll. 

Mom. Apple pie. The flag. 

And the Interregnum Poll. 

Yes, the American classic is back, tried and true, red, white and blue, the Bottom Ten Interregnum Poll, offered annually because the NFL regular season doesn’t begin until after Labor Day. 

As usual, we have the Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude – to award, plus the usual witless social commentary the country has come to know and love. 

Would like to read the 2019 Bottom Ten for only $2.99?

Of course you would. Click on the button for an offer that lasts only this week.

Editor’s Note: The Bottom Ten goes behind a paywall next week and this rate is for this week only. Get in on the laughs and avoid paying full price today. 

On This Date
In 1781 – The city of Los Angeles is founded, by 44 settlers, a small military detachment and two priests in what was then Spanish territory. The town was self-sustaining farming community by 1821 and was known for its wine grapes. The town became part of Mexico in 1821 and the United States in 1848. Los Angeles was incorporated in 1850 and today has a population approaching 4 million, covering an area of 468 square miles. 

In 2002 – The Oakland A’s establish a new American League record with their 20th consecutive victory, defeating the Kansas City Royals 12-11. The A’s had led 11-0 after three innings, but the Royals got five in the fourth, five in the eighth and one in the ninth to tie it, but the A’s won it on a pinch-hit home run by Scott Hatteberg in the bottom of the ninth. The American League record is now held by the Cleveland Indians, who won 22 straight in 2017, mark that is also the major league record for most consecutive wins without a loss. The major league record for most consecutive wins is held by the 1916 New York Giants, a mark that included a tie game.  

In 1971 – Paul and Linda McCartney are at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for their only week with Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey. It was McCartney’s second Top 40 hit following the breakup of the Beatles and his first #1. The song also went to #1 in Canada and New Zealand, though it was not released as a single in his native Great Britain. The song also won the Grammy Award for Best Arrangement Accompanying Vocalists, an award that has had a variety of names over the years.

Quotebook
…how is it that we know anything…except by the analogies of past experience? What has once happened will invariably happen again.
Abraham Lincoln

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Ty Cobb had 289 hits in his two seasons with the Philadelphia A’s. 

Today’s Stumper
How many #1 songs did Paul McCartney have as a solo act, a member for a duo and with Wings in the 1970’s? – Answer next time!

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