The Daily Dose/January 13, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

HUT, HUT, HIKE: We’re through fighting it. For now, at least. Clemson and LSU will play tonight in the title game of the College Football Playoff (CFP) and more power to them. It’s hard to argue with two 14-0 teams duking it out for the national championship. 

Outside of the fact the CFP doesn’t allow for Cinderella stories, we have to admit it’s doing a pretty good job of getting the generally-acknowledged four best teams in the country to the national semifinals. Bully for them. 

Dry, Technical Matter: In fact, having a committee invite four teams to a tournament is working so well other sports should consider it, too. Have the NHL, NBA, NFL and baseball choose four teams for their playoffs, and NCAA basketball, too. 

This is especially attractive in basketball and hockey because then we wouldn’t be obliged to suffer through four rounds of NHL and NBA playoffs, which followed an interminable regular season that bores everyone to tears. Your average regular season NHL and NBA game would go from being relatively meaningless to being chock full of meaning. Picking only four NFL teams would mean two division champions don’t make the playoffs, but not every conference champion makes the CFP and the sun still rises in the east every morning. Tough noogies. Life isn’t always fair. 

Back On Message: Honestly, though, if we are going to be stuck with a four-team CFP let’s be reasonable: nobody cares about college football after New Year’s Day. We’re tolerating it but deep down we would all prefer college football to end either on Jan. 1 or Monday, Jan. 2. 

So have the CFP championship game on New Year’s Day. It can be played in prime time after the Sugar Bowl and the Rose Bowl. It would be a heck of a way to end the season. 

Oh Jesus H: We could point out a 32-team NCAA Division I Football Playoff could begin Thanksgiving weekend, end on New Year’s Day and would become an American classic quicker than you could say “strength of schedule” but we’re not going to do that. Go ahead and drink the Kool-Aid tonight. It should be a great game. 

Today At The Site
Editor’s Note: it’s Read Free Fortnight at The Diary of a Nobody. So go, scoot, click on the link and enjoy the Diary with Sparrow’s compliments.

The Diary of a Nobody: A guy decides he’d rather sleep in his car than rent a room from Sparrow. Today’s Diary. 

You knock around front desks long enuff and your first impressions about people are usually correct and my first impression of him was “cheapskate”…He seemed a professional sort, could afford $5 for a sack of granola, had clean clothes and didn’t stink so it was doubtful he was homeless…I quoted him a rate of $129, plus tax, almost a giveaway in ski season, said he would think about it and then walked outside where he opened the passenger side doors on his car and moved things around, probably preparing it for his night’s sleep…He drove away shortly thereafter. 

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 1985 – A train carrying 1,000 people derails over a ravine at Awash, Ethiopia, killing 428 and injuring over 500. The train had five cars and the three rear cars derailed while on a curve while traveling at too high a speed. Awash is about 100 miles east of the Ethiopian capital of Addis Ababa and the derailment remains the worst railroad disaster in African history. 

In 1983 – The Quebec Nordiques lose to the Boston Bruins 2-0, ending the Nordiques’ NHL record of 230 consecutive games without being shutout. The Nordiques had last been shutout on Feb. 9, 1980 by the New York Islanders and had broken the record of 228 consecutive games established by the Chicago Blackhawks early in the 1970s. The record is now 264 consecutive games by the Calgary Flames (Nov. 1981-Jan. 1985) and the Nordiques streak now ranks fifth on the all-time list. The Nordiques become the Colorado Avalanche in 1995. 

In 1962 – Chubby Checker is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first of two consecutive weeks with The Twist. The song also peaked at #4 on Billboard’s soul chart, peaked at #14 in Great Britain and The Twist ranked #1 on Billboard’s 60th anniversary Hot 100 in 2018. In Sept. 1960 The Twist had spent one week at #1 on the Hot 100 and it remains the only song in Hot 100 history to go to #1 in separate chart runs. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

The millions are awake enough for physical labor; but only one in a million is awake enough for effective intellectual exertion, only one in a hundred millions to a poetic or divine life. – Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Approximately 58,000 Americans died in the Vietnam War. About 1,600 remain missing. 

Today’s Stumper
Test your knowledge. Now.

What’s the worst railroad disaster in human history? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/January 12, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was.

1. USA! USA! – 30 years of non-stop warfare leads to US killing of Iranian general, accidental blowing up of Ukranian airline…Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” that if US had been at peace every day for past 30 years none of this would have happened, Twin Towers would still be standing. 

2. Iran – So pissed at US – and so militarily proficient – they inadvertently misidentify airplane for incoming cruise missile, shooting down Ukranian airliner that had a lot of Iranians, not to mention Canadians, on it as retribution for US killing one of its generals…Exactly why dozens of Canadians were flying out of Iran on Ukranian airplane not immediately clear. 

3. USA! USA! – No nation has survived perpetual war and America will not be the exception…While Vegas oddsmakers silent on the matter, Sunday Bottom 5 staffers give America until half-century is out before once-proud nation collapses. 

4. Guy That Puked In Holiday Inn Lobby – Dude, go outside next time…You had to have had some warning, at least based on our experience in the matter…Also, leave your girlfriend…It’s all over…Trust me…Unless she’s stacked…Then make it work. 

5. YouTube.com – I’m holding out until you have 17 commercials totaling nine hours in length before I fork over for your lousy commercial-free music service…Also, I’m not flying to Albuquerque anytime soon. 

Today At The Site
Editor’s Note: it’s Read Free Fortnight at The Diary of a Nobody. So go, scoot, click on the link and enjoy the Diary with Sparrow’s compliments.

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has the latest gas mileage figures for the new ride. Today’s Diary. 

The latest gas mileage figures for the new ride is an estimate: 31.631 MPG…Recall Thursday I tried to fill up they didn’t have the preferred 87 octane so I put a few bucks of 89 in…It’s an estimate because while I didn’t adjust the trip odometer I forgot to note exactly how many gallons I’d put in…Two something…So I factored in 2.5 gallons, which can’t be too far off, and the 31.631 is in line with what we’ve been getting, so I’m confident it’s a reasonably accurate figure. 

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 1962 – The United States begins major combat operations in Vietnam, conducting Operation Chopper. 82 US Army helicopters transported 1,000 South Vietnamese paratroopers to a battle 10 miles west of Saigon.  They defeated North Vietnamese Army troops, captured a radio transmitter and suffered no casualties. The US would not leave Vietnam until April 1975. 

1946 & 2016 – The Rams NFL team is given permission to move to Los Angeles in both of these years. In 1946 the Cleveland Rams were given permission to move to LA and in 2016 the St Louis Rams were given permission to move back to LA, as were the San Diego Chargers. The Rams had played in St Louis from 1995-2015, while the Chargers had left LA for San Diego in 1962. 

In 1974 – The Steve Miller Band is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the only with The Joker. It was the first Top 40 hit for the band, their first of five Top 10 hits and the first of three #1 songs. In 1992, after being used in a Levis commercial, the song went to #1 in Great Britain, Holland, Ireland and New Zealand. The 16 years remains a record for the longest gap between hitting #1 in the US and then in Great Britain. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Dirt thrown on a Mud-wall may stick…but it will not long adhere to polish’d Marble. – Benjamin Franklin

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Billy “Crash” Craddock’s biggest hit on the Hot 100 was Rub It In, which peaked at #16 in 1974. 

Today’s Stumper
Test your knowledge. Now.

How many Americans died in the Vietnam War? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/January 11, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
Editor’s Note: it’s Read Free Fortnight at The Diary of a Nobody. So go, scoot, click on the link and enjoy the Diary with Sparrow’s compliments.

The Diary of a Nobody: It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life. 

Today’s Diary: Sparrow, Doc and Charlie have a laff at Thursday’s post meeting: 

Doc also talked about his project to write short biographies of post members…After his chat, he came and sat next to me against the back wall because all the seats at the table were filled up.

“Who’s doing your bio, Doc???”

My tone was sarcastic and Charlie, sitting on the other side of Doc, started laffing while Doc indicated he’d already interviewed himself and written his blurb.

Sparrow: “How do we know it’s not a crock of shit???”
Charlie: “Yeah, how do we know you don’t claim to have slit the emperor’s throat or something???”

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it

In 1927 – The creation of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is announced. Though best known now for their Academy Awards presentations, the organization was originally founded to settle labor disputes without unions. The first Oscars were awarded in 1929 spearheaded by Louis B Mayer, head of MGM Studios. The Academy began using sealed envelopes to announce the winners in 1941. Before that, winners had been leaked to the media before the ceremony. 

In 1973 – The American League, in an attempt to drum up offense, votes to adopt the designated hitter for the coming season. The rule had been discussed at various times in major league history, though never approved. The DH first appeared in the World Series in 1976, when it appeared in even-numbered years, and in the All-Star Game in 1989. It has been a permanent part of the All-Star Game since 2010 and today only regular season and postseason games played in National League stadiums do not feature the DH. 

In 1975 – Billy “Crash” Craddock is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles chart – for the only week with Ruby Baby. It was the second of three #1 country songs for Craddock, who in the 1960s had had two #1 songs in Australia. The song also peaked at #33 on Billboard’s Hot 100 and in 1956 The Drifters took the song to #10 on Billboard’s soul chart, making it one of the few songs to hit on all three major singles charts. Craddock’s nickname came from his time playing high school football in North Carolina. 

Quotebook
A quote from Gaylon’s private stock

This species could have been so great, and now everybody just wants a new Salad Shooter or sneakers with lights in them. This is what we’ve settled for. – George Carlin

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Did you guess right? 

Perry Como had three #1 hits on Billboard charts. 

Today’s Stumper
Test your knowledge. Now.

What was Billy “crash” Craddock’s biggest hit on the Hot 100? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/January 10, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Today’s Diary: Sparrow gives the cat some 5-star service. 

I’m committed to taking good care of the cat while The Wife is in Kansas tending to her sister…Usually, she fusses with her water dish and cat box, while I am in charge of the canned yummy ration and her dry food…I took care of everything this morning…She got her usual morning canned yummy ration, of course, and her dry food was running low so I tossed what was left and refilled that and got her some freshwater, too…I cleaned her cat box, too…It didn’t really need it, but I was doing everything anyway and my own experience is clean crapper is good for morale.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
49 BC – Julius Caesar, commanding the 13th Legion and fresh of several military victories, crossed the Rubicon River in northeastern Italy under arms, considered an act of war by Rome. Caesar’s Civil War would last four years resulting in his victory and eventually lead to the formation of the Roman Empire. Caesar may or may not have said the famous line attributed to him, “the die is cast”. History is unclear on the matter. The term ‘crossing the Rubicon’ remains in our vernacular, describing the crossing of a line of demarcation from which there is no going back. 

In 1931 – The Philadelphia Quakers defeat the Montreal Maroons 4-3 in overtime to end their NHL-record losing streak at 15 games. The Quakers had broken the record of elevn consecutive losses by the 1929-30 Pittsburgh Pirates and the record is now 17 consecutive losses, done twice, by the 1974-75 Washington Capitals and the 1992-93 San Jose Sharks.   Overtimes in those days were ten minutes long. 

In 1953 – Don’t Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes is at #1 on two Billboard charts. A version by Perry Como is at #1 on the pop Best Seller in Stores chart for the first of five consecutive weeks and a version by Skeets McDonald is at #1 on the country Most Played in Juke Boxes chart for the third and final week. The song was written by Slim Willet, whose own version had topped Billboard’s country Most Played by Jockeys chart in December. This remains the only time in Billboard chart history when the same song by different artists simultaneously topped separate Billboard singles charts.

Quotebook
I have always thought that one man of tolerable abilities may work great changes, if he first forms a good plan, and makes the execution of that same plan his sole study and business. – Benjamin Franklin

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The Montreal Canadiens won the 1930 Stanley Cup, defeating the Boston Bruins in the final two games to zero. It was the last best-of-three Stanley Cup Finals round. 

Today’s Stumper
How many #1 songs did Perry Como have on a Billboard pop chart? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/January 9, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

3…2…1…BLASTOFF: Like you might, we recall growing up during the Cold War Era, where it was the US vs. the Soviet Union, good vs evil, democracy vs Communism. Both sides had nuclear weapons and while they came close to being used during the Cuban Missile Crisis – a bit before our time – nuclear weapons still have only been used twice, in 1945, but the US against Japan. 

An, honestly, we cannot ever recall feeling that World War III was something that could ever really happen. Cooler heads would always prevail. It’s politics, for Pete’s sake, not anything that’s worth blowing the world up over. 

Eff That Noise: We don’t think that now. We have a functional child as president, someone whose only real talent is drawing attention to himself and who believes the moon is part of Mars. He governs, lives, off the top of his head and is an acknowledged non-reader. He’s determined to teach Iran a lesson, assassinated an Iranian general, though so far hasn’t answered Iran’s retaliation and it appears World War III isn’t imminent. 

LOL: While addressing the matter Wednesday, the president told a joke. 

The United States is ready to embrace peace with all who seek it…

Oh, good gravy, this claptrap again. Let’s be honest, America’s not ready to embrace peace with anybody because America has been at war every day for 30 years. If we really embraced peace we would have been at peace every day for the past 30 years. War, however, does not produce peace; the only dividend war provides is more war. 

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: No nation has survived perpetual war and America will not be the exception to that. Eventually constant warfare, aided and abetted by our mindless spending and the fact our country is now a shooting gallery, will destroy America, perhaps before this half-century is out. 

On The Plus Side: We’re not holding our breath, but maybe Senate Republicans will realize the complete disaster the Trump Administration has been and will conduct a palace coup during the president’s US Senate trial. Providing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi ever sends the impeachment articles over, which she hasn’t done yet. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has to deal with some puke. Today’s Diary. 

It was a loser with a man bun sticking out the back of his adjustable ball cap…He was actually in the lobby when I reported for duty, sitting on a couch plainly having an unproductive chat with his significant other…He kept telling her he was in the lobby waiting for her and evidently she kept telling him she wasn’t coming…Then I got started in on counting the drawers and he moves to one of the chairs and soon enuff leans forward and starts ralphing.

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1992 – The discovery of the first planets outside of the Solar System are announced. The planets had been discovered by astronomers Aleksander Wolszczan and Dale Frail and were about 2,300 light-years from Earth. To date, 4,160 exoplanets have been discovered in 3,090 systems. About one-fifth of these planets that orbit sun-like stars are thought to be in what is referred to as the habitable zone, a zone us humans believe is conducive to sustaining life. 

In 1930 – The Boston Bruins extend their NHL-record winning streak to 14 consecutive games, defeating the Pittsburgh Pirates 4-3. The Bruins had broken the record of 11 consecutive wins established by the 1926-27 Montreal Canadieans on Jan 4 and the streak would end in their next game on Jan. 12. The record was broken by the 1981-82 New York Islanders with 15 consecutive wins and the mark is now held by the 1992-93 Pittsburgh Penguins with 17 consecutive wins. 

In 1988 – So Emotional by Whitney Houston is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the only week. The song was Houston’s sixth consecutive #1 single, tying a record established by both the Beatles and the Bee Gees. (Later in 1988 Houston would break the record with Where Do Broken Hearts Go. The record still stands.) The song also went to #1 on Billboard’s dance chart, was Billboard’s 6th biggest song of 1988 and ranked 509th on their 60th anniversary chart in 2018. 

Quotebook
There is not much sense in setting one’s foot upon the road and not traveling the fullest possible distance. – James Madison

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The Monkees had four #1 albums on Billboard’s album chart: The Monkees (1966), More of the Monkees, Headquarters and Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn and Jones (1967).

Today’s Stumper
Who won the 1930 Stanley Cup? – Answer next time!

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