The Daily Dose/January 23, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

GET OUT YOUR HISTORY BOOKS: Opening arguments began in the US Senate trial of President Donald Trump Wednesday. Trump is facing two articles of impeachment, abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, and is the third president to be tried by the Senate. Like Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton were, Trump is expected to be acquitted. 

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: This imbroglio has not been our country’s finest hour. 

In This Corner: The House gave History their version of Impeachment Lite. Though the two articles have merit (Article II more than Article I, for our money) they let the president off easy. Had they done some real work they probably could have come up with at least a handful of more articles. As it was, they did the bare minimum required to get a presidential impeachment on the record and into the history books because they realized the GOP controlled Senate is unlikely to convict Trump. 

USA! USA! For their part, the Senate is all but groveling at the White House’s request for a quick acquittal. The did bend somewhat in allowing each side’s twelve hours of opening arguments to be spread over three days instead of two, but, incredibly, they are refusing to allow new witnesses.

Ladies and Gentlemen Of The Jury: We’re not lawyers, thank God, nor have we ever played one on TV, but you don’t have to be Salmon P Chase to know it’s difficult to hold a trial without evidence and witnesses. In fact, some dictionaries define a trial as the formal examination of evidence and what the US Senate is passing off on us is not a trial but rather a hearing. 

More Official Daily Dose Policy: We deserve better than this, of course, but we’ve tolerated 30 years of non-stop war and $23 trillion of debt and a country that’s become a shooting gallery, so it’s easy to tolerate a sham of an impeachment process. 

Fantasy Island: We are still holding out the slimmest of hopes that Republican senators will stage a place coup on Article II and vote to remove Trump from office because he deserves to go. He’s a lying sexual predator who believes the moon part of Mars. We’re not betting the mortgage on it, though. 

Today At The Site
Editor’s Note: it’s Read Free Fortnight at The Diary of a Nobody. So go, scoot, click on the link and enjoy the Diary with Sparrow’s compliments.

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has two losers waddle in requesting a room. Today’s Diary.  

I didn’t like these to whackjobs from the start…The first guy said they needed a room with his tag-team partner immediately yodeling the room would only be used “for five hours”…This is a fairly common tactic, pointing out how little time the room would be used for, and regular readers of this crap may – or they may not – recall that this is a marvelous way to ensure you’re quoted the highest possible rate. 

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 1795 – For one of the few times in history, horses defeat ships as French cavalry soldiers capture Dutch naval elements at Den Helder, The Netherlands in the War of the First Coalition. The capture was made possible because the Dutch navy was frozen at anchor. Accounts differ, though. A French accounting details a heroic capture while a Dutch historian said the Dutch naval commander had already received orders to offer no resistance and all the French did was to cross the ice to negotiate surrender terms. There were no deaths, though the Dutch lost 14 warships and 850 guns. 

In 1944 – The Detroit Red Wings establish a new NHL record for most consecutive goals in a game and tie the record for most goals in a period in a 15-0 victory over New York Rangers. The 15 consecutive goals broke the record of ten done on six other occasions and the record still stands. The record of eight goals, in the third period, tied the record that had been established in March 1922 by the Montreal Canadiens. The record is now held by the Buffalo Sabres, who scored nine second-period goals in a 14-4 win over the Toronto Maple Leafs on Mar. 19, 1981. 

In 1982 – Physical by Olivia Newton-John is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the tenth and final consecutive week. Physical became the second song to spend ten weeks at #1 on the Hot 100 (You Light Up My Life, Debby Boone, 1976-77) though the feat had been exceeded on earlier Billboard pop charts and has since been eclipsed many times. The song was Billboard’s #1 song of the year and the decade and anchored the Top 10 of Billboard’s 60th anniversary Hot 100 in 2018. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Democracy had fallen by Plato’s formula: liberty had become license, and chaos begged an end to liberty. – Will Durant, The Story of Civilization, Vol. III, Caesar to Christ. 

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Stevie Wonder has had eight #1 songs on Billboard’s Hot 100 as a solo act, and one as part of Dionne and Friends. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What NHL team holds the record for most goals in a game? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/January 22, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

THE PRESIDENT’S ON TRIAL, BUT LET’S LEAD WITH THE CENSUS: The 24th United States census is underway, with the first actual counting of Americans coming this week in Toksook Bay in western Alaska. 

1…2…3…330 million: The first American counted was Lizzie Chimiugak, 90, who was personally interviewed by Census Bureau Director Steven Dillingham. One of the things Dillingham, who was obliged to ride out the town’s community center on a snowmobile, noted was Chimiugak spoke Yup’ik, 

For The Record: Chimiugak added she enjoys basket weaving and native Alaskan dancing. She married in 1947 and has been a widow for about 30 years. She has five children and expressed concerns about the effects a changing climate would have on the hunting and fishing that keeps her community going. 

Dry, Technical Matter: The census has started in Alaska every ten years since 1870, three years after the US bought it from Russia. Though it might seem backwards to those who live in warmer climes, the frozen ground is actually easier to navigate than the muddy roads that develop when temperatures warm up in the spring. Natives are all in town, too, during the winter. In the spring they head off for traditional hunting and fishing areas. 

More Dry, Technical Matter: The rest of the country will begin the census in March and the actual enumeration date is April 1.

This Whole Column Is Dry, Technical Matter, Isn’t It?: The last US census, in 2010, counted 308,745,538 people living in America, up almost ten percent from the 2000 census. 

If Dry, Technical Matter Is Inevitable…: The first US census, in 1790, recorded 3,929,214  Americans. Initially, the census was conducted by US Marshalls who were authorized to hire as many assistants as they needed. 

Are We About Done?: The 1790 US census cost about $44,000, about $1.2 million in today’s dollars. This year’s census will cost about $15.6 billion. 

Oh, Jesus H: The first census that attempted to record everyone in a household came in  1850. Before that, census takers only count heads of households while estimating women, children and slaves. 

Today At The Site
Editor’s Note: it’s Read Free Fortnight at The Diary of a Nobody. So go, scoot, click on the link and enjoy the Diary with Sparrow’s compliments.

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow compares and contrasts Post-It Notes with his homemade scratch paper. 

Post-It Notes blow…One, they’re smaller than official Sparrow Scratch Sheets (SSS)…A Post-It measures, ruffly, three inches square…You can’t write squat on that…I can’t even sign my name on something three inches square and good luck getting anything a co-worker would find relevant on one…Hell, you’d need a string of them to leave instructions to throw the trash out…The SSS, however, measure a lusty 4.25 x 6.5 inches which you could put the preamble to the Constitution on if you’re so minded. 

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 1889 – Columbia Records is founded, named for its location in Washington, D.C. Columbia would begin selling records, in addition to the then-industry standard cylinders, in 1901 and in 1908 began selling records pressed on both sides for 65 cents, about $18 in today’s money. In 1927 it helped form CBS Radio, though it soon got out of the radio business. Today, Columbia Records is owned by Sony and is headquartered in New York City. 

In 1973 – George Foreman wins the undisputed heavyweight title, defeating Joe Frazier in a second round TKO in Kingston, Jamaica. Foreman would keep the title until losing it to Muhammad Ali the following year, and would regain at least a share of the title in 1994, Frazier would fight three more times for a heavyweight title, losing all three times, his last fight a draw with the dreaded Floyd Cummings in 1981. 

In 1966 – Stevie Wonder is at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart – then known as the Hot Rhythm and Blues Singles chart – for the first of five consecutive weeks with Uptight (Everything’s All Right). It was the fourth Top 10 on the soul chart for Wonder and his second of 20 soul chart #1 songs, a Billboard soul chart record he shares with Aretha Franklin. Wonder co-wrote the song with Sylvia Moy and Henry Cosby and was the first chart single he wrote or co-wrote. The song also peaked at #3 on Billboard’s Hot 100 and at #14 in Great Britain. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

There is no material solution to a spiritual problem.  – An old saying

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Dean Martin’s second #1 song on a Billboard pop chart was Everybody Loves Somebody, which went to #1 on the Hot 100 in 1964.

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

How many #1 songs has Stevie Wonder had on Billboard’s Hot 100? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/January 21, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

HERE WE GO: Both Republicans and Democrats have filed briefs with the United States Senate for President Trump’s impeachment trial and the ones filed by the president’s lawyers are particularly entertaining. Unable to attack the articles with anything resembling substance, they are left with only bluster. This is hardly a bulletin, of course, because bluster is all the Trump Administration has offered us since he took office. 

Dry, Technical Matter: The House sent two articles of impeachment to the Senate accusing Trump of abusing power by withholding military aid from the Ukraine while the president sought an investigation into former Vice President Joe Biden and of obstructing Congress by instructing White House officials not comply with Congressional subpoenas. 

Back On Message: The heavy hitters in Trump’s legal team were reduced to calling the articles “flimsy” and a “constitutional travesty”. They are neither of these things, they are merely another GOP attempt to muddy the waters. Now, they may not be the cut-and-dry slam dunk a Richard Nixon US Senate trial would have been had he not resigned, but both articles do have merit. Merely blabbing that they don’t – which seems to be the only White House strategy – does not make it so. 

LOL: His lawyers also said that even if he did do these things they were not impeachable because they did violate a specific criminal code. 

Fly In The Ointment: Friends, they don’t have to. President Trump is the 20th federal official to be impeached by the House and the House has not always impeached for a specific criminal offense. It impeached President Johnson for violating the Tenure of Office Act, hardly an arrestable offense, and it has impeached federal judges for being drunk on the bench and not living in their assigned judicial district. It can impeach for anything it wants up to and including color of socks, happily leaving it to the Senate to sort everything out.

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: Not that it matters. Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell is so hell-bent on acquittal he is all but moved into the Lincoln Bedroom and barring a palace coup that would have Julius Caesar issuing applause, President Trump will be acquitted. This really doesn’t bother us for the first article, but Trump deserves to lose his job for the second article. 

Today At The Site
Editor’s Note: it’s Read Free Fortnight at The Diary of a Nobody. So go, scoot, click on the link and enjoy the Diary with Sparrow’s compliments.

The Diary of a Nobody:  Sparrow has the latest from the hotel’s coffee room. Today’s Diary.

The big news from the back coffee room is the new box of coffee packets are the large 9-ounce ones and not our usual 3-ounce packets…Fortunately, we still had some 3-oz packages left when I opened the box of 9-ouncers, so it was a simple matter to pour a regular package in a paper coffee cup and make a mark at the fill line. 

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 1793 – King Louis XVI of France is beheaded. Louis had been arrested the previous August and in September the National Assembly had declared France a republic, meaning Louis was out of a job and he was tried and convicted of treason as a private citizen. Louis had ascended the throne in 1774 at the age of 19. His queen, Marie Antoinette, would be executed in August. 

In 1979 – The Pittsburgh Steelers become the first team to win three Super Bowls, defeating the Dallas Cowboys 35-31 in Super Bowl XIII. Previously, the Steelers had won Super Bowls IX and X. With the loss, the Cowboys became the first defending champion to lose the Super Bowl and were the first team to score more than 30 points in a Super Bowl loss. To date, the Steelers are tied with the New England Patriots for most Super Bowl wins with six and Super Bowl XIII was the fifth and final Super Bowl played at Miami’s Orange Bowl. 

In 1956 – Dean Martin is at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores Charts – one of several Billboard charts of the pre-Hot 100 era – for the second of five consecutive weeks with Memories Are Made of This. The song was also at #1 on Billboard’s Most Played by Jockeys and Top 100 charts and would later top the Most Played in Jukeboxes chart. It was the first of two #1 songs for Martin on a Billboard pop chart and the song also went to #1 in Great Britain and Australia. Gale Storm (1955-56) and the Drifters (1966) also charted with the song.  

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

I can’t bite my tongue because my soul will bleed. – Cyril Neville

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

George VI succeeded Edward VIII as King of Great Britain. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What was Dean Martin’s second #1 song on a Billboard pop chart? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/January 20, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

CAPSULE BOOK REVIEW: The Story of Civilization, Vol. I, Our Oriental Heritage by Will Durant: First published in 1935, Our Oriental Heritage represented a change in how history was written. Before Durant, history used to be written by historians for historians. Durant changed that, making history accessible for what he liked to call “the general reader” which, in this case, means someone well-read who is not a historian. Times were changing in the interregnum between world wars and Americans were more literate than ever and Durant’s series found no small amount of readers. 

For The Record: Our Oriental Heritage goes all the way back to the Sumerians and gradually works its way east, through India and China before finishing with an altogether too short chapter on Japan. 

Fly In The Ointment: Durant’s goal was to tell the story of civilization and whether he succeeded or not depends on you ask. Historians have long tended to get their shorts in a knot over the series, citing both inaccuracies and Durant’s dependence on secondary, non-contemporary sources. 

Some Philosophy Crap: Durant himself called the project “brave stupidity” and acknowledged errors to be as minor as they were inevitable, saying in the forward to Our Oriental Heritage

…most history is guessing, and the rest is prejudice…

Durant’s strength is not in showing how the masses of any era fed, housed and amused themselves – though the masses aren’t ignored – but how great minds and good and bad people – everyone from inventors and kings to artists, philosophers and saints – carried the torches that advanced humanity. 

Dry, Technical Matter: Though Durant has a point to make about history, he doesn’t preach, doing a good job of showing how nothing really changes in our collective human experience: to paraphrase the Hindus, everything has happened, everything will happen. 

Final Ranking: A: We don’t trot the highest ranking out too often and, in fact, have debated whether the folly of trying to tell what happened a thousand years ago automatically disqualifies a top mark. On the other hand, The Story of Civilization is, by any measure, an important work, commanding a place in any substantive personal library. 

In the end, we decided not to quibble because Durant does a brilliant job of doing what you pay us writers to do: give us insights into our human experience we hadn’t considered before. No one does this better than Durant (and his wife Ariel, who only started receiving credit on Vol. 7), though for our money he is matched in this by Gore Vidal and Louis L’Amour. 

Today At The Site
Editor’s Note: it’s Read Free Fortnight at The Diary of a Nobody. So go, scoot, click on the link and enjoy the Diary with Sparrow’s compliments.

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow continues to rack up big hours sleeping. Today’s Diary. 

I’ve really been racking up the sack time lately…Now, I did cheat and take a shot of Zzzz-Sleep this morning because I’d slept until 1930 Saturday and wasn’t all that tired, but that’s what Zzzz-Sleep is for: getting to sleep in these circumstances…It did its work wonderfully and I only got up once to use the can which used to be news but now is par for the course. 

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
Great moments in us. 

In 1936 – The reign of Edward VIII as king of the United Kingdom begins following the death of his father King George V, who had reigned since 1910. Edward would abdicate the throne in December after the uproar caused by the announcement he planned to marry American divorcee Walis Simpson. It remains the shortest reign of a British monarch since the formation of the United Kingdom in 1801. 

In 2003 – Patrick Roy of the Colorado Avalanche becomes the first NHL goaltender to play in 1,000 games in a 1-1 tie against the Dallas Stars. Roy would retire after the season with 1,029 games played and 60,214 minutes on the ice, which comes out to almost 42 days in goal. Roy’s record was broken by Martin Brodeur in the 2009-10 season and Brodeur retired in 2014 with 1,266 games played, still the NHL record. 

In 1979 – Chic is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the fourth of six non-consecutive weeks with Le Freak. Earlier, the song had spent five weeks at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart and seven weeks at #1 on Billboard’s dance chart. It was the third biggest hit of 1979 and ranked 24th on Billboard’s 60th anniversary Hot 100 in 2018. Le Freak had first gone to #1 on Dec. 9 before dropping to #2 for before returning to #1 for two more weeks on Dec. 23. It’s three times moving into the #1 spot was then a Hot 100 record, though research into the status of this record was inconclusive. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

There is always something else to be done. But if you want the world you must forget insignificant places… – Gore Vidal, Creation

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Wilt Chamberlain finished the 1966-67 NBA season with a 68.3% field goal percentage, an NBA record that stood until he broke it with the Los Angeles Lakers in 1972-73 when he shot 72.7% from the field, a record which still stands. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who succeeded Edward VIII as monarch of Great Britain? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/January 19, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Friends, your Daily Dose has the day off. Click here for today’s Diary of a Nobody entry. It’s on the house.

Thank you for reading,

Gaylon

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