The Daily Dose/December 14, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

USA! USA! The House Judiciary Committee voted Friday to send two articles of impeachment to the entire House. If, when, the entire House approves it, Donald Trump will stand trial in the United States Senate on charges of abuse of power and obstructing Congress. The vote was on straight party lines, hardly a bulletin because impeachment itself is a partisan process. 

Trump was his usual blather and blustering self, calling the articles an “embarrassment” to the nation. As usual, President Trump is unable to tell the truth because the articles aren’t the embarrassment, he’s the embarrassment: a lying sexual predator who believes the moon is part of Mars, whose only real talent is drawing as much attention to himself as possible. 

Dry, Technical Matter: Now, his presidency has not been a complete failure. The tax cut was nice and we are grateful he didn’t fire back when Iran shot down our drone. Had he, World War III might already be over. 

But, by and large, Trump has been as embarrassing a president as he was a candidate. 

Modest Historical Context: It should never have some to this. If America had a real media instead of a group of entertainers, Trump would have been washed out before the 2016 primaries. As it was, he meant clicks and ratings and was ushered straight to a White House we suspect he never wanted to occupy in the first place. His sole motivation, probably since the day he emerged from the womb, has always been to draw as much attention to himself as possible, something he does supremely well. 

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: We’re still hoping for a palace coup, that GOP senators will take advantage of the opportunity to rid us of Trump forever. It is almost beyond comprehension they genuinely believe he is doing our country any good and they must know, but seemingly don’t care, that there continued support of him is defending the indefensible. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow and The Wife get their special discount shopping in at the retailer. Today’s Diary. 

and, of course, we stocked up on razor blades for the year and just in the nick of time, too, because the last razor from last year’s load out will soon be in need of replacing…

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1962 – The American spacecraft Mariner 2 becomes the first spacecraft to fly past another planet, coming within 18,776 nautical miles of Venus. Mariner 2 had been launched from Florida on August 27 and, among other things, measured the temperature of Venus’ atmosphere at 932 degrees Fahrenheit. The last transmission from Mariner 2 was received the following January and the spacecraft remains in orbit around the sun. It’s identical sister ship Mariner 1 had been launched in July and had also been scheduled to fly to Venus, but it was destroyed a few minutes after liftoff due to a guidance system failure. 

In 1986 – Dan Marino of the Miami Dolphins establishes a new NFL record with the eighth 400-yard passing game of his career in a 37-31 overtime win over the Los Angeles Rams. Marino was 29-of-46 for 403-yards with five touchdowns, including the game-winner in overtime. Marino broke the record that had been established by Dan Fouts in 1985 and Marino would retire after the 1999 season with 13 400-yard games. Marino’s record was broken in 2016 by Peyton Manning (14) and his now held by Drew Brees with 16. 

In 1957 – Sam Cooke is at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart – a predecessor of the Hot 100 – for the first of two consecutive weeks with You Send Me. The flip side to the record, Summertime, was originally intended to be the A side, but it only peaked at #81. The song was also in its third of five weeks at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart. It was the first of 28 Top 40 hits for Cooke and remains his only #1 song. Cooke died in 1963, shot to death at a Los Angeles motel under circumstances that never entirely explained. 

Quotebook
…like Lincoln, he was supremely confident…not the confidence of the weak, the arrogance of the vain and needy…the kind of confidence that allows him to be humble. – Evan Thomas, Ike’s Bluff

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Yesterday’s Trivia question was withdrawn. 

Today’s Stumper
How long is a nautical mile? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 13, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

HERE WE GO AGAIN: Today is the 47th anniversary of the last time we humans walked on the moon. Today in 1972 Apollo 17 astronauts Gene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt made their third and final excursion on the lunar surface. All told, they spent 21 hours exploring the moon.

Now, the Apollo missions didn’t answer our most fundamental questions about how we came into being and whatnot, but that’s OK. Apollo astronauts did what our great explorers have been doing since time immemorial: they went where no one had gone before and found what was there. 

Quote That Sucker: Before he left the moon for the last time, Cernan, the mission commander, talked about how the challenges of their era provided our destiny for tomorrow, a quote featured below. The words were every bit as momentous as Neil Armstrong’s “one small step” line when man first stepped on the moon in 1969. 

USA! USA! At the time the sky, literally, appeared to be the limit for manned space travel. The moon was old hat and putting man on Mars seemed entirely achievable. 

Fly In The Ointment: America, however, has stopped going where we’ve never gone before. After Apollo we lost interest. Congress canceled two other missions and while we probably could have had humans on Mars in the 1980s had we really wanted to, we really didn’t want to and now America cannot even send men into space anymore. 

Exactly why is – thankfully – beyond the scope of this column but it is fair to say this was about the time television became the focal point of American life, an activity that now consumes roughly one-third of an average American’s waking hours. 

Thank You Mary Sunshine: Our loss. Looking back, it really marked the beginning of the end of the American Century. 

And You Wonder Why You Don’t Get Invited To More Parties: America has since stopped exploring, stopped reaching, stopped moving. America is now a shell of her former self, a fractured and bickering mess of a country that will collapse, perhaps before this half-century is out, unless something is done about her perpetual wars and mindless spending. 

FunFact: Apollo was so long ago that only four of the twelve men who walked on the moon are still alive and any substantive benefit from going to the moon has long been withdrawn. 

USA! USA! Redux: But Apollo has one more mission: to inspire us to once again see how far us humans can go. Perhaps one day we will let it accomplish that mission. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow calls the credit union that is financing his new ride. Today’s Diary. 

In other new ride news, I called the credit union that is financing it because we haven’t heard hide nor hair from them and the first payment is due in a couple of weeks…(The Wife’s new car is financed thru the same people and she recalls going thru this, too)…My first attempt got me disconnected, despite the fact I pressed the right buttons…On the second try, I said “operator” every two seconds and while I still had to press a couple of buttons soon enuff I was in the cue for a human being, a wait that was only 15 minutes long.

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1972 – Apollo 17 astronauts Gene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt complete their third and final moonwalk, the last humans to walk on the moon. Apollo 17, which also included Command Module Pilot Ron Evans, had become the sixth mission to reach the moon on December 11, had lifted off from Earth on December 7 and would return on December 19. Their final excursion on the moon had lasted over seven hours. 

In 1936 – The Green Bay Packers defeat the Boston Redskins 21-6 at the Polo Grounds in New York City to win the NFL title. It was the fourth NFL title for the Packers and the third of four titles they would win that decade. The game had been scheduled for Fenway Park in Boston, however the Redskins moved it to New York and a few days later announced they were moving to Washington, D.C. They had been formed in 1932 as the Boston Braves. 

In 1969 – Steam is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the second and final consecutive week with Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye. The song remains the group’s only Top 40 hit, making Steam one of the few groups whose only Top 40 hit went to #1 – a follow-up peaked at #46 – and the song also peaked at #20 Billboard’s soul chart. Like some #1 songs, Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye was recorded at the end of a recording session, intended to be the B side of a record. 

Quotebook
America’s challenge of today has forged man’s destiny of tomorrow. – Gene Cernan, Commander, Apollo 17 and the last human to set foot on the moon

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The first president of the United States elected without a majority of the popular vote was John Quincy Adams in 1824. Andrew Jackson won the popular vote, no one got a majority of the Electoral College votes, and Adams was elected by the House of Representatives on February 8, 1825.  

Today’s Stumper
The Trivia feature will return. 

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The Daily Dose/December 12, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow attends the Welfare Department Christmas party. Today’s Diary. 

I’d neglected to bring a present but no matter, there were extra so I got to pick one…Since the gifts were picked mainly by women it is not the Upset of the Year the present I picked was skin moisturizer which I will give to The Wife…While I appreciate moist skin as much as you do, I really have no use for it.  

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 16: The race for the most coveted trophy in sports, more or less, The Dan Henning Trophy symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy, slogs on. 

Here are some funny lines from the week’s NFL Bottom Ten:

Lions kicking themselves, as late touchdown prevents shutout that tends to get attention of B-10 pollsters…

With three (3) teams, division itself in survey, man-sized 40% of Week 16 survey comprised of assorted NFC East elements. 

Owner Jerry Jones on record as saying head coach needs deep B-10 run to save job…

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 2000 – The United States Supreme Court decides the 2000 US presidential elections, overturning a Florida Supreme Court ruling requiring a statewide ballot recount in their contested election. The decision ended the recount, meaning the previously certified count, which went to George Bush, was official, giving Bush the presidency, defeating al Gore. Gore became the first candidate to win the popular vote but lose the Electoral College vote since Grover Cleveland in 1888. 

In 1971 – The Los Angeles Lakers establish a new NBA record with their 21st consecutive victory, a 104-95 win over the Atlanta Hawks. The Lakers broke the record of 20 which had been established by the Washington Capitols from March 13, 1948, through December 7, 1948, and later tied by the 1970-71 Milwaukee Bucks. The streak had started on November 5 with a win over Baltimore and the Lakers would extend the mark to 33 consecutive games before losing to Milwaukee on January 9. The record still stands and remains the longest winning streak in North American major league sports. 

In 1970 – The Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the first of two consecutive weeks. It was the first of two #1 songs for the Miracles (Love Machine, Part 1, 1 week, 1976) and their third of four Top 10 hits. The song was also in its second of three weeks at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart and also went to #1 in Great Britain. 

Quotebook
Where was all this infinitesimal matter before it was set in motion by mind?/Everywhere./No real answer. /Perhaps no real question. – Gore Vidal, Creation 

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The Chordettes’ second-biggest hit was Lollipop, which went to #2 in 1958. 

Today’s Stumper
Who was the first person elected president of the United States who did not win the popular vote? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 11, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

HERE WE GO AGAIN: Donald Trump became the fourth president of the United States to have impeachment articles drawn up against him, joining Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton. 

Dry, Technical Matter: The president still is not officially impeached, though that is a mere formality, of course. He will be officially impeached when the entire House votes to accept the articles and send them to the Senate for trial. What happened Tuesday merely were the Democrats announcing the specific articles they will ultimately prefer. 

Broad Historical Context: Presidents Johnson and Clinton would later be impeached by the House and both were acquitted in their Senate trials. Nixon resigned before the entire House could vote on his impeachment. 

Back On Message: At first we were surprised there were only two articles. We’re not lawyers here at The Daily Dose – thank god – but with a president so unconcerned with protocol or procedure or anything other than drawing as much attention to himself as possible, we would have thought there would have been three or four articles drummed up. 

And You Wonder Why You Don’t Get Invited To More Parties: Like you probably did, we read the impeachment articles the entire House will consider. Article One, Abuse of Power, has some meat to it, but not as much as Article Two, Obstruction of Congress, which Trump seemingly does every five minutes. 

Crystal Ball Me: Up next is consideration of the articles by the House Judiciary Committee and after they pass them they will be considered by the full House. A Senate trial would probably begin in January. The rules for the trial will be determined solely by the Senate, much as the ground rules for the impeachment hearings were determined by the House. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow as the latest MPG figures for the new ride. Today’s Diary. 

The gas mileage figures on the new ride keep getting better and better…

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 2008 – Bernie Madoff, chairman of his own investment firm, is arrested on assorted charges associated with running a Ponzi scheme, where Madoff would pay returns to old investors with funds from new investors. Though there are a variety of ways to calculate losses, it is estimated $36 billion was invested, with about half of that returned to investors and the other half missing. Madoff, now 81, would plead guilty the following March and is serving a 150-year sentence at a federal prison in North Carolina. 

In 1960 – Johnny Unitas’s NFL record of 47 consecutive games with at least one touchdown pass ends in a 10-3 loss against the Los Angeles Rams. The streak had started on December 9, 1956, when Unitas threw one touchdown pass, also in a loss to the Rams. The streak is now held by Drew Brees of New Orleans, who threw touchdowns in 54 consecutive games between 2009 and 2012 and Unitas is now fourth on the all-time list behind Tom Brady (52) and Peyton Manning (51). 

In 1954 – The Chordettes are at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart – a predecessor to the Hot 100 – for the second of seven consecutive weeks with Mr. Sandman. It was the first chart single for the group, the first of their four Top 10 hits and remains their only #1 song. A version by the Four Aces also released in 1954 made the Top 10 and a version by Chet Atkins the following year hit the country chart. 

Quotebook
In general, the wise in all ages have always said the same things, and the fools, who at all times form the immense majority, have in their way too acted alike, and done the opposite; and so it will continue. – Schopenhauer

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The longest non-scoring play in NFL history is 104-yards, done twice, first by Percy Harvin of Minnesota (kickoff return) in 2011 and matched in 2018 by Marcus Maye of the New York Jets (interception return). 

Today’s Stumper
What was the Chordettes’ second-biggest hit? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/December 10, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience…

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME: One of our favorite columns to write are ones whining about baseball Hall of Fame elections. The most recent results, from balloting by the Modern Baseball Era Committee were released this week, with catcher Ted Simmons and player’s association leader Marvin Miller each receiving at least twelve of the 16 available votes. 

Good For Them: We don’t think you can argue with Simmons, who we’ve long felt was deserving as long as Gary Carter is in. Simmons was not particularly highly regarded in 1994, his first year on the Hall of Fame ballot: he was included on 3.7% of the ballots, which got him dropped entirely next time. The only player elected that year was Steve Carlton, though eight others, including Simmons, were eventuall elected. 

OK, Fine, Be That Way: Miller certainly is deserving, but before he died stated he had no desire to be elected and we would have respected that. 

Oh Good Gravy: Not elected were Dwight Evans, Steve Garvey, Tommy John, Don Mattingly, Thurman Munson, Dale Murphy, Dave Parker and Lou Whitaker. 

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: Long-time readers of this crap know our policy on this matter: Gary Carter and Harold Baines are in the Hall and this takes all the argument – and the fun – out of the matter. If you were as good or better than either of these players, you’re in. If you’re not, tough noogies. 

Using the Carter/Baines Criteria, all eight of those not elected are deserving of induction because all were as good or better than Gary Carter and/or Harold Baines. 

Dry, Technical Matter: There are too many players in the Hall of Fame, as a space reserved for all-time greats is now letting all-time really goods in. Personally, of the players on the Modern Era ballot this year, we probably only would have voted for Munson and neither Carter nor Baines would be in. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow helps a client at the Veterans Service Office. Today’s Diary. 

…he still bears many scars from his time in Vietnam, regards all VA correspondence with disdain and would probably regard a VA greeting card with suspicion…

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Editor’s Note: Today’s Bottom Ten is on the house, free of charge.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Bowl Game Edition: It’s the most awful time of the year, lousy teams playing lousy games. Cheers!

Here are some funny lines from today’s Bottom Ten:

With no service academy playing, and to give squads some idea of what combat is like, final ten-yards before each end zone to be rigged with land mines. 

You’re a bowl purist and you want to see if midfield logo will display original flavor Cheez-It logo or highlight new Reduced Fat, Extra Crispy Tequila/Menthol offering.

Lockheed Martin sponsors the game and you bought one of their attack helicopters last year and you’re not happy with it because it’s always in the shop for repairs.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1936 – King Edward VIII of Great Britain announces his intention to abdicate the throne so he can marry his American girlfriend, Wallis Simpson, who was once divorced and then in the process of divorcing her second husband. It took effect the following day when Parliament passed an act authorizing the abdication, which Edward then gave his royal assent to. Edward was succeeded by his brother Albert, who reigned as George VI. Edward and Simpson married the following year and the throne is now occupied by Elizabeth II. 

In 1972 – Quarterback Jim Hart and receiver Bobby Moore – now known as Ahmad Rashad – of the St Louis Cardinals establish a new NFL record for longest non-scoring pass play, a 98-yard pass in a 24-14 win over the Los Angeles Rams. Moore caught Hart’s pass at the Cardinals’ 40-yard-line and was tackled by Al Clark at the one-yard-line. The record still stands. 

In 1983 – Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson are at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with Say, Say, Say. The song went to #1 in six other countries and peaked at #2 in both Great Britain and on Billboard’s soul chart. Say, Say, Say was Billboard’s third biggest song of 1984, the ninth biggest of the decade and was ranked 44th on Billboard’s 60th anniversary chart in 2018. It was the third and final #1 song for McCartney in the 1980s and the third #1 of the year for Jackson, who earlier had hit the top with Billie Jean and Beat It. 

Quotebook
The primary sign of a well-ordered mind is a man’s ability to remain in one place and linger in his own company. – Seneca the Younger, Roman writer and statesman

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The first NHL goalie to be credited with a goal was Billy Smith of the New York Islanders who wast the last Islander to touch the puck before Rob Ramage of the Colorado Avalanche shot the puck into his own net. The game occured on Nov. 28m 1979. 

Today’s Stumper
What is the longest non-scoring play in NFL history? – Answer next time!

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