The Daily Dose/November 21, 2019
By Gaylon KentAmerica’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from our human experience…

Friends, we are making some technical adjustments to the site and Leading Off is being given a brief furlough.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: The gift baggies from the hospital are in and Sparrow discusses the included chapstick. 

Our holiday gift baggies from the local hospital were in the back office when I reported for duty…I found two things useful: the almond butter nutrition bar and the round ball of chapstick…Brandon was ooohing over the chapstick simply because it came in a ball instead of a tube, but I knew better…Except for a three-day period in my mid-20’s when I quit cold turkey, chapstick has been my constant companion for over 30 years and I have significant street cred in the matter: it’s all the same…Chapstick, Blistex, Burt’s Bees, Carmex you name it, I’ve tried it, progressively working my up the ladder…Now I use something labeled Lip Repair and while there are some differences your lips ultimately adapt and you’re still balming up every five minutes and the fancy blue ball stuff proved no different. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 13: Everyone is chasing the Bengals in the race for the most coveted trophy in sports: The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy.

Here are some funny lines from this week’s NFL Bottom Ten:

Bengals 27th NFL team to start season 0-10…

Redskins show mastery of fundamentals with 54-yards rushing, 66-penalty yards, for weekly best 1.222-to-1 Penalty-Yards-To-Rushing-Yards Ratio…

Strong finishing kick see Broncos overcome 20-0 halftime lead…

While nation blabs about merits of pass interference replay policy that doesn’t overturn plainly blown calls, Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” solution to problem is to have professional football officials call obvious pass interference calls in the first place.

Lions rounding into prime B-10 form, having lost six (6) of last seven (7) after rocky 2-0-1 start…

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1953 – The Natural History Museum in London announces the skull known as the Piltdown Man, once believed to be the missing link between apes and humans, is a hoax. The finding of the skull was announced in 1912 by a British amateur archaeologist named Charles Dawson, who said the skull had been found at a site about 30 miles south of London. Dawson died in 1916 with neither this nor any other of his frauds revealed, though later testing showed the skull to have, among other things, the teeth of an orangutan and the cranium of a human. 

In 1996 – Bill Fitch of the Los Angeles Clippers becomes the first NBA coach to lose 1,000 games in 105-94 loss to the Dallas Mavericks. Fitch began his NBA coaching career in 1970 with the Cleveland Cavaliers, who lost their first 15 games for him and finished the season 15-67. Fitch coached the Boston Celtics to the 1981 NBA title and the Houston Rockets to the 1986 Western Conference championship and he retired in 1998 with 944 wins and 1,106 losses. The record for most losses by an NBA coach is now held by Lenny Wilkins, who lost 1,155 games in a 32-year career. 

In 1970 – The Partridge Family is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first of three consecutive weeks with I Think I Love You. The song featured David Cassidy on lead vocals and his step-mother Shirly Jones singing background. The song also went to #1 in Canada and Australia, peaked at #18 in Great Britain and was Billboard’s sixth-biggest song of the year. It was the first of seven Top 40 hits for the group and remains their only #1 song. Cassidy also had six Top 40 hits on his own and while there were other members of the Partridge family on their TV show, Cassidy and Jones are the only members to play on the record. 

Quotebook
Zenas’ constancy to Werner wasn’t something the poets wrote sonnets about.
Len Deighton
Spy Hook

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Of the five known copies of the Gettysburg Address, one is in the Lincoln Room of the White House, two are in the Library of Congress, another is at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum and Cornell University owns the other one.

Today’s Stumper
Of the five NBA coaches who have coached in at least 2,000 games, who has the highest and lowest winning percentage? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/November 20, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Friends, The Daily Dose is taking the day off. Click here to read The Diary of a Nobody. The Week 13 NFL Bottom Ten will move Thursday.

Have a good day. Many thanks for reading.

Gaylon

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The Daily Dose/November 19, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from our human experience…

Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow sends in some paperwork on his wrecked car. Today’s Diary. 

We are almost done with the wrecked car…A title company sent some paperwork that needed to be signed in order for the settlement check to be sent…Whoever was in charge of this evolution is high…I gave the adjuster my address, both street and PO Box and he said it would be FedEx’d over…It never got here…I called Reginald to ask what the deal was and he called the title company and the broad said all we had was the PO Box and we need a street address…Both Reginald and I saw no point in arguing the matter and I provided my street address again and she said it would be in the afternoon mail.

They sent it USPS to my PO Box!!!…No, I don’t understand that, either…There were just a couple of things for The Wife and me to sign and I tossed in the extra key I had and sent it off.

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13: With Rice and New Mexico State both winning, the race for the ESPNCup is thrown into even more chaos than usual. 

Here are some funny lines from this week’s NCAA Bottom Ten:

With classic Puritan/Morman rivalry scheduled for this week, UMess staffers petitioning NCAA to change overtime procedure to Te Deum Laudamus chant-off at midfield.

In finest Lutheran tradition, Tomcats gracious hosts, giving up touchdowns on nine (9) of first ten (10) possessions, until Grove City, pleading exhaustion, punts on last three (3) drives.

Commodores again hindered by turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as Theater Department majors on special teams cause multiple delay of game, unsportsmanlike conduct penalties after game officials taken hostage during Civil War reenactment…

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1863 – Abraham Lincoln delivers one of mankind’s seminal speeches, the Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the Soldier’s National Cemetery in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. At just over two minutes, it was one hour and 58 minutes shorter than the opening speech by noted American statesman Edward Everett, a speech that was generally better received than Lincoln’s, reactions that generally fell along party lines. Five handwritten copies of the speech remain, all a bit different, and History is not entirely sure which one, if any, was read at the ceremony as all five versions differ from the account offered by the Associated Press reporter who was there. 

In 1929 – The Pittsburgh Pirates defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs 10-5, with two defensemen John McKinnon of Pittsburgh and Hap Day of Toronto each scoring four goals. The Pirates were in their fifth and final season in the NHL, though they remain known for being the first team to substitute on the fly and play three forward lines. This remains the only game in NHL history where two defensemen have each scored four goals. 

In 1966 – Whisperin’ Bill Anderson is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles chart – for the only week with I Get the Fever. It was Anderson’s third of seven #1 songs in a country chart career that spanned from 1958-1991. Anderson also had 29 Top 10 country hits, one Top 10 on the Hot 100 and is a long-time member of the Grand Ole Oprey. Now 82, Anderson has also hosted several television shows over the years and is a member of both the Country Music and Songwriters halls of fame.

Quotebook
Pass, then, through this little space of time conformably to nature and end thy journeys in content. – Marcus, Roman emperor, 161-180 AD

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
The NFL record for most field goals in a game by both teams is nine, done three times, most recently by the Houston Texans (5) and the Miami Dolphins (4), in 2007. 

Today’s Stumper
Where are the five known copies of the Gettysburg Address? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/November 18, 2019
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from our human experience…

YEAH, THIS IS A BULLETIN: President Trump’s impeachment hearings will continue this week. It should be a solemn occasion but, like with most things associated with Trump, he has turned it into a sideshow, with his usual smorgasbord of rants and insults. He does not appear to have any sense of the magnitude of these proceedings, appropriate because he has yet to show any appreciation for the history or the magnitude of the office we’ve always thought he never really wanted in the first place. Running for president was merely another way to draw attention to himself, Trump’s only real concern. 

Dry Technical Matter: The first two days of testimony were a mixed bag. Day 1 produced substantive testimony that could well result in articles of impeachment. Day 2 did not. It mere showed Trump to petty, vindictive and manipulative, but that’s hardly news. We’ve known that for decades. 

Back On Message: Trump is so ignorant of anything that is not right off the top of his head it’s doubtful he could name the other four presidents who’ve had impeachment hearings held against them (Buchanan, Johnson, Nixon and Clinton).  He’s a man, after all, who believes the moon is part of Mars, so his answers could run the gamut from Elvis to Herschel Walker to Charlie Brown.

Write This Down: With his standard attacks, lies, insults and ridicule Trump is making a mockery of our presidency, insulting every single one of us and we are taking it. We’re not saying enough, we’re not protesting a man who admits to grabbing women by the pussy, whose Trump University was a boiler room scam and who believes the Continental Army’s securing of British airports helped win the Revolution. 

We’re not saying we deserve better. 

We’re getting blather when we should be demanding civility and decorum. We’re getting second-rate, fractured, bickering government that should shame every single one of us but we’re choosing to tolerate it. 

USA! USA! Paced by the lapdogs in the media who escorted him into the White House in the first place, Trump is the new normal. Lies and insults are par for the course now, as is the shooting of our children in their schools. We’re taking all of it. 

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: The 2020 elections will provide another opportunity for America to herald to itself and to the world whether we will retain a status quo that will eventually destroy our country – probably before this half-century is out – or whether we are going to dismiss the status quo and demand better.

We deserve better than the government we have now, but nobody is going to give it to us. We must demand it on Election Day. 

Editor’s Note: Gaylon is a candidate for the Colorado Libertarian Party’s 2020 US Senate nomination. Click here to contribute to his campaign. 

Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Two drunk kids come in to get a room. Today’s Diary. 

About 0300 a young couple came in to get a room…The boy half was really drunk and the girl half was the kid of a public figure…The guy tried, valiantly, to take charge of Room Acquisition, managing to retrieve his wallet and even fish a C note out, but that was all he could muster and he ended up staring blankly at both…His girl took charge from there, producing her ID and a credit card and I was pleased to give them a $99 rate…The guy did manage to put the C note on the counter which the girl ended up confiscating, tho it wasn’t immediately clear if this was a sanction for being a drunk dope or if she was merely putting it away for safekeeping. 

It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Click here to get in on the laffs: Sparrow, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually. 

On This Date
In 1963 – The first push-button telephones go into service in the Pittsburgh area, following several years of testing. Despite the convenience, and for a variety of reasons, it took many years for the push-button phone to become the standard and it wasn’t until the 1980’s that push-button phones outnumbered rotary phones. Originally, the push-button phone had ten keys; the star and pound keys were added in 1968. 

In 1996 – Chris Boniol of the Dallas Cowboys tied the NFL record for most field goals in a game with seven in a 21-6 victory over the Green Bay Packers. Boniol tied the record that had been established by Jim Bakken of the St Louis Cardinals in 1967 and Rich Karlis of the Minnesota Vikings in 1989. The record was later tied by Billy Cundiff, also of Dallas, in 2003 and is now held by Rob Bironas, who kicked eight field goals for the Tennessee Titans in 2007. 

In 1957 – Elvis Presley is at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart – a predecessor of the Hot 100 – for the fifth of seven non-consecutive weeks with Jailhouse Rock. The song also went to #1 on Billboard’s country and soul chart, one of six songs to top all three major Billboard singles charts and the B side of the record, Treat Me Nice, peaked at #18 on Billboard’s Most Played by Jockey’s chart. The other songs besides Jailhouse Rock to go to #1 on Billboard’s pop, soul and country charts were Don’t Be Cruel, (Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear and Hound Dog by Elvis and Wake Up Little Susie and All I Have To Do Is Dream by the Everly Brothers.

Quotebook
Do the best you can – do what you must.

Harriet Beecher Stowe
Uncle Tom’s Cabin

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Curt Gowdy and Al DeRogatis were the announcers for NBC TV’s coverage of the Heidi Game.   

Today’s Stumper
What teams hold the NFL record for most field goals in a game? – Answer next time!

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